it's all love

a little insight on loving yourself in a relationship and trying to understand it all.

growing up,

i was always told "you can't love anyone until you love yourself" and what bullshit that was...or so i thought.

i had been told this by several people in my life, 

have read it countless times online,

and even have heard it in movies - i always thought it was true, 

up until i fell in love with a man -

i fell so in love that i began to wonder if it would ever be possible to love myself in the same way i loved him.

while being with him, 

i of course was trying my utter best to love myself - hell for years i had been trying - unsuccessful however unfortunately.

i tried by changing my appearance, changing my goals and aspirations, i even tried changing my name in hopes that it would help me love the person i was.

but who was i?

a lost little girl who was deeply in love.

he gave me identity.

he gave me purpose and reason.

i constantly thought about him and constantly worried about his well-being.

i always wanted to ensure he was happy, 

regardless of my emotions.

it wasn't until he left me i realized that mumbo-jumbo bullshit was actually true.

you truly cannot love anyone else before you love yourself - 

and the reason being is,

once they leave - 

you have no love left, almost as if love never existed.

you don't leave bed,

you lose the purpose you created around the person.

you have another person to validate you, but what happens when they don't?

will you be broken?

will you feel ugly?

i know i did. 

before this relationship, 

i had never needed such validation from others,

however,

once i began dating him,

i constantly needed to be told i was enough,

that i was attractive and wanted.

i began to question my every move more than i already did.

when they cheated - did you blame yourself?

i did.

i cried trying to figure out what i did wrong,

what i could've done better  - what i could've changed.

was i bad in bed?

did i not satisfy him?

was i ugly?

it must've been.

how naive i was to think that it was MY fault a man couldn't be enough of a man to be faithful.

when he left without looking back did you plead for him to stay?

i did.

i cried for months at a time,

i sheltered myself away from people and called him 100 times a day.

his love for me ran out - 

or was simply never there,

meanwhile,

it's almost like my love for him grew stronger with each bit of rejection.

it took me 1 full year to stop crying -

it took 1 full year of me figuring out who i was as a person without a man to tell me.

i had to learn to love myself because when he didn't - no one did.

so when they say you cannot love someone until you love yourself 

they are not saying because you struggle with self-love that you are not entitled to be with someone,

but you need to remove yourself from the relationship and still stand still on your own.

you can love wildly without loving yourself,

but you need to accept the impact it will have on you afterwards.

but the way you love him or her,

is the love you deserve to have for yourself.

you are enough and forever will be.