the 1st. (work in progress)A Story by maddy trudel The story is about a love between a troubled, cynical female protagonist, and a hopeless romantic boy. Everyone has a past, but not everyone has future.
Prologue I suppose the scariest thing about love was not knowing. Didn’t know how long it would last, because like any emotion, it fades, didn’t know why my heart was beating so quickly and I sure as hell didn’t know why my stomach felt light - almost as if I was on the verge of fainting. I felt happy, which was a very new, unsettling emotion. Not that I was never happy, because sure, at some point in my early childhood I was, but I had never been so happy that caused salted tears to roll down my cheeks and drip off my chin. Had never laid in bed, crying uncontrollably because I liked someone so much. That was, until I met you. The first time I had ever laid eyes on you was back when I was young, naïve, and a lot more cynical. Your small eyes were as bright as the sun, as blue as the water in Cuba and as beautiful as I had ever seen. Your freckles were scattered across your cheeks and nose. You had a white grin that reminded me of my favourite season; winter, and my, was it ever huge. Your smile was so big and contagious that when you smiled, so did I. When you laughed, my glum day instantly got better. You let out your arms to hug me, and I let you. I inhaled your intoxicating scent and I closed my eyes because I felt so safe and secure. I quickly pulled away because I felt frightened. I hadn’t felt secure since I was younger, and in contact with my monster. You looked at me quizzically, but you shrugged it off. We had been speaking for seven months prior to meeting. It was strange to instantly connect with you because it had never happened before. We walked to my mother’s car, speaking about your commute to my house. I introduced you to my father when we entered the house and you two shook hands firmly. My father dropped his tight smile and grinned more naturally. “It’s great to meet you.” My father said politely. You and I walked into my bedroom, where we sat on opposite ends of the room. We began speaking about anything and everything, and no silence was awkward.
My light By the end of the night, I felt as if I had known him forever. I confessed secrets and showed scars, and so did he. When he departed, I cried. I cried because I let him in, despite the fact that I was fully aware that he would eventually leave. We texted until my eyelids grew heavy and my thumbs became sore, so I said goodnight. We were both getting over our ex’s at the time, but unlike him, I wasn’t strong willed, and I wasn’t as invested in “us” and whatever could possibly come out of our mutual feelings as he was. I went back to my ex to find comfort again. Andrew and I stopped speaking for months, until he rolled around again. I saw him working, and I saw his beautiful eyes, and his winter smile; feeling weak at my knees. But once again, after that, I let go of an innocent relationship that could have been the best thing in my life, for a relationship filled with nothing but sex. It was early April when I saw him again. He came over, and it was like the past. Except this time, he turned my face with his hand and planted his lips on mine. That was the first time in our two year friendship that we had ever kissed. I felt a sensation in my stomach, and my body went to Jell-O. He smiled, as did I. This proceeded for a month until I tried to take my life. I was at the lowest point in my life, and he had been there for me as much as he could have been. I told him I was getting better, so when I was admitted, I refused to tell him where I had gone, and why we stopped speaking. When I was let out on a pass one weekend, I decided to tell him. He told me he had just wanted to be friends at this point and all I could do was cry. I knew that it was due to the fact that he couldn’t handle all of the stress I caused on those around me. When I was discharged from the hospital, we hadn’t spoken in a grand amount of time. I knew that he had moved on, and that he was not going to come back; although I desperately wished he would. I waited until a hot, sticky July night when I swallowed my pride and asked to see him. He picked my friend and me up from a bar named Mad Hatters and we drove around for a few hours, waiting for us to sober up before he dropped us off at our own houses. I giggled a lot, and maybe it was the alcohol, but I believe it was the feeling that came back; the feeling of happiness again. He leaned in for a kiss that night, after he dropped my friend off and we were outside of my house. I turned my head away quickly and hugged him. “Thanks for tonight.” I exited the car quickly and waved goodbye. I had become a new person since I had been discharged, so I questioned why I still felt so much for him. He invited me to get coffee on a damp August afternoon. After coffee and much discussion about how I was, and how he had been for the past year, he drove me home. This time, I invited him in. We watched films that night, and laughed a lot. He proceeded to tickle me until I moved in closer. The intensity between us, and the anticipation built up. He then grabbed my ponytail and brought my head in for a kiss. It was a kiss like no other, a much-awaited kiss. Sparks flew, butterflies stung, and I felt like doing nothing else but kiss him. When he finished invading my mouth with his tongue, I giggled, trying to hold back the tears. He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. We spent the remainder of the night in my bedroom. He kissed me smoothly as his hands trailed down my body. He touched my smooth stomach as I got goose-bumps all over my body. His hand continued to trail upward until he reached my chest. He freed my breasts and grabbed one. He lifted me slightly, so I was above him and he was at my breasts. His teeth tugged at my n****e so that it hardened and shivers shot through my spine. He brought me back down to his lips and he kissed me, almost as if his life depended on it. At that point, I couldn’t do anything but cry. He held me, very confused. “What-what’s wrong?” I shook my head at his words. “I just…everything. Not with you, well kind of. I mean like, what is this becoming? I can’t do this again. I did it with Timothy; no emotions, and I don’t mind f*****g without anything, but with you…it’s different. You’re the first person to make me feel like this.” Andrew looked at me shocked. “I was waiting for the perfect moment to ask you, but this seems like it. Since I saw you, back in July, I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I want you to be mine-” He rubbed my back and kissed my lips. “Every part of you, the good and the bad, the parts you find ugly, and the parts I find beautiful; I want it all to be mine. You.” I looked at him deep in the eyes and very seriously said “Everyone I know goes away in the end. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.” He kissed me sweetly and with his innocent, sad eyes, he replied “the only thing I fear most is not having you.” I slightly nodded my head and he smiled. There were no words left, so we laid in my bed, him playing with my hair, and I, tracing my fingers along his forearm. Our legs were intertwined and I couldn’t tell where his body ended and where mine began. I had given myself to him, not physically, but emotionally. ----------------------------------------------------- I woke up the following morning with the bright August sun beaming through my curtains and to the sound of birds chirping. I checked my phones for the time; 7:52am. I noticed I had a text message, therefore I checked it. You fell asleep at 11, so I left an hour later. You’re breathtakingly beautiful and I am glad I can call you mine. I locked my phone and decided to go for a run. I tied my Nike Pros and went outside. When I reached the St Lawrence River, I sat on a rock above the water level and cried. I liked Andrew, and I truly detested the feeling. I decided to call him once I gathered my composure. He answered in a very raspy voice as if I had just woke him up. “Allo?” “Hey.” “What’s wrong? Why are you awake so early?” I giggled at the fact that he was so worried. “I went for a jog.” The other end remained silent. “I really like you,” I confessed. “And I too am glad that we are a couple. I’m sorry about last night.” “Lily, it’s okay. You are such a beautiful lily flower.” I giggled. “Go back to bed. Bye.” I hung up and continued jogging. When I got home, I made myself two hard boiled eggs and yogurt with granola. I took a hot shower, and then put my bathing suit on when I exited. I sat on an inflatable chair in my pool, reading Stephen King’s It. I quenched my thirst with a large glass of vodka and Redbull. I felt my phone vibrate and noticed my friend Samantha was calling me. “Hey, wanna grab a coffee at 11?” “Dude, I’m already drinking.” We both laughed. “I’ll be there in a bit.” She hung up and I called my mother. “Hey mum.” “Hi sweetie, you’re up?” “Obviously.” “Oh, well I left you chicken in the fridge for lunch. Have a good day; your father and I won’t be home until later on, I have to go now, I have a meeting.” I continued to drink and read until Samantha strolled into my backyard. I made her a drink and we sat outside tanning. When we got too hot, we decided to go to Montreal Museum of Fine Arts to see Van Gogh to Kandinsky: Impressionism to Expressionism. We put our clothes over our bathing suits and we headed out. When we were in the car driving, I decided it was the perfect moment to tell Samantha about Andrew and I. “Andrew and I are now dating.” Samantha gasped and turned her head. “It’s about time! Yay!” Whilst at the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts, we remained silent a majority of the time, observing the wonderful art. Afterwards we were famished, so we went to go eat crepes. Whilst we were eating, I received a phone call from Andrew. “Hey baby.” He said in a rather chipper voice. “Hey, can I call you back? I’m out to lunch with Samantha.” “I know. Steven and I are here too. Look behind you, then to your right diagonally.” I hung up, turned around and waved. When we were finished eating, we walked over to their table. Andrew stood up and kissed me. “Both of you can come over when you’re done. I have beer.” Samantha and I then departed. When we arrived home, we took off the clothes that stuck to our still damp bathing suits and made strawberry daiquiris. My parents were lawyers who constantly worked late; therefore I was able to clean up any traces of any illegal activity that occurred in my house. The doorbell rang and I opened it to Andrew and Steven. “Hellooo,” I slurred my words. Andrew took another look at me and his mouth opened, looking shocked. “Wow. Your body.” He stepped inside, grabbed my waist and kissed me. Steven walked inside to greet Samantha. Samantha and Steven had been crazy about each other since Andrew and I had introduced them last summer. Andrew began kissing my neck and his hands on my a*s, grabbing it. I slowly pushed him away. “I don’t want to keep my guests waiting.” I smiled seductively. He grabbed my hand and we walked into the kitchen. Steven was opening a beer and Samantha was making more daiquiris. Steven looked at his watch “wow, bro, now I know why everyone be calling you the Minute Man.” Andrew laughed and shoved him. We went into my pool and played volley ball. After a few hours, Samantha had to go home, so Steven offered to drive her. That left Andrew and I alone. We went back into my house and cleaned up the small mess we had made. Andrew went in the shower and I didn’t hear the door lock to the bathroom attached to my bedroom. I decided to join him. I opened the door quietly and slowly slipped off my bathing suit. I opened the shower door and entered. He looked at me seductively with dark eyes. He walked up to me, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. His fingers slid inside of me, and this pattern continued, in and out very quickly, but softly. He made me moan, he made me gasp for air, like I had never done before. He took his fingers out of me, and began washing me. I wanted more; so much more. I kissed him again, pulling him closer, feeling his erection on my leg, and I lifted it. He looked at me, almost asking for my permission and I nodded slightly and smiled. He spread my thighs, and then lifted me, wrapping my legs around him. I let him fill me inside and I let out a loud moan and panted. He went quicker, and deeper, until I felt him explode, grabbing my hair as he gasped my name. I felt my legs shake, and my nails dug into his back. I panted “Oh my God”. He released himself from me, and we continued to shower, as if nothing had just happened. When we exited the shower, we watched black and white films on the couch. We proceeded to “play house”. I played the mommy role by cooking him a dinner of sausages and pasta. We sat across from one another at the table, enjoying the meal. “When’s the last time you saw fireworks, baby?” “I’ve never.” I looked up from my plate shyly. “Well, there’s a first for everything, or so they say.” He smiled. “I’m going to bring you tonight. I want to be the first person to bring you. Hopefully the last person too.” When we finished dinner, I placed the dishes in the dishwasher followed by blow-drying my hair as Andrew played video games on the Xbox. At around 8:30pm, we left my house and entered his car. We were on our commute to the Old Port to watch fireworks. When we arrived, there were tons amounts of people. Sitting on lawn chairs, on the ground and standing. Andrew grabbed my waist and kissed me. We heard a loud pop and a beautiful red firework shot up into the dark sky. I smiled widely, like a child opening presents on Christmas day. “WOW!” I giggled. “They’re beautiful!” I said, as more fireworks exploded. “Not as beautiful as you.” Andrew kissed my forehead and we giggled. When the fireworks were finished, Andrew tilted me to the ground making me clutch his arms in fear that I would fall. He kissed me in front of all the people who had just watched the fireworks. We left the kiss breathless with goofy smiles on our face. “I saw how happy you were, and I don’t know, I just, wow, I needed to kiss you.” He laughed and peered at the water. I hugged him tightly and felt his body pressed against mine. I inhaled deeply and was reminded me of the first time we had met. I went to pull away, but he pulled me in closer. We decided to go to the closest bar nearby- Balcon Cabaret Music-Hall. I sat on the terrace outside whilst Andrew bought two Alexandre Keith beers. “You look charming.” He said as he approached the table. When we finished the beer, he drove me home. He parked in front of my house and kept the door locked. “I don’t want us to just consist of sex and alcohol.” I was so confused, I nodded. “I don’t want that either.” I said softly. “I like you a lot. And I’m not going to let you push me away.” I remain confused but nod. “Okay.” We kissed goodbye and I entered my empty house. I decided to call my father to see where my parents were. “Hello?” “Hey, where are you guys? Still at work?” “We went up north, needed some relax time. We didn’t think you’d want to come. I transferred 300$ into your bank account. It should cover the weekend.” “Cool, thanks dad, bye.” I decided to call Andrew however it went straight to voicemail. “Hey, it’s Lily, obviously. Call me back.” As soon as I hung up, Andrew called back. “Hey, what’s wrong?” “Nothing, my parents are gone for the weekend; if you aren’t already home, do you wanna spend the night?” Andrew didn’t reply so I reassured him “just cuddles. No sex, no alcohol. Except for tomorrow night, I’m throwing a party.” “Okay, I’ll be there in a few.” I hung up and began texting people to inform them about the party. ----------------------------------------------------- When Andrew arrived, I opened the door wearing a baggy t-shirt and a thong. “Hello there gorgeous.” “Hi.” I replied softly and blushed. We turned on Despicable Me in my bedroom and lay in bed intertwined like vines. I lay on his chest and he rubbed his palm up and down my thigh. I turned my face to kiss him and noticed he was slowly falling asleep. I placed my head back on his chest and closed my eyes. I could hear his heart beating quickly and I knew it was because of his heart condition. I listened carefully and began drifting off until he jolted his body upwards. “S**t, sorry nightmare.” I looked up at him and wondered how such a beautiful man could have horrible dreams. “About what?” I asked curiously. “Doesn’t matter.” He lied back down and pulled me to his chest, but instead I sat back up. “It matters to me.” “I dreamt you didn’t wake in the morning.” I looked at him and boldly said “Are you in love with me?” His eyes opened wide and fear took over those innocent blue eyes. “What?” I chuckled “I said, are you in love with me?” “I don’t know how to respond.” “Oh Andrew, you aren’t a foolish boy. You know it’s a yes or no answer.” He looked at me nervously and his voice cracked as he tried to speak. “I’ve been in love with you for almost three years.” “Surely not three years. You moved on when I had been admitted. You said so yourself.” “I waited 8 months for you. 8 months of wondering where you went, what I did wrong. When you finally told me, I questioned whether or not it was my fault. Automatically I blamed myself… so I told you I had moved on, I needed you to get better, and I didn’t want to make you worse.” I gasped as I felt my body fill up with tears. “No!” I shouted. “No what?” “You weren’t the reason. No one was the reason. I was the problem.” I lied back on his chest not wanting to discuss it any further and I fell into a heavy slumber. ----------------------------------------------------- I awoke to an empty bed and the aroma of bacon. I looked at my clock; 6:42am. I closed my eyes again. I was woken up at 7:57am by Andrew with breakfast in bed. Andrew sat beside me as we ate. “I have to go to the SAQ after.” When breakfast was finished, we got dressed and went to the liquor commission. I purchased two bottles of tequila, rum, whiskey and two bottles of scotch. In total, it costs me 488$. Luckily I have money stored from babysitting. When we arrived to my house again, we unpack the alcohol and Andrew left to go to work. I called my drug dealer and purchased a quarter pound of weed, 2 MDMA pills and 3 grams of cocaine. I hadn’t done blow in a month, but a few lines wouldn’t hurt. So I thought. It would only help me loosen up. The cocaine and the MDMA would be kept a secret from Andrew. He was a very closed minded person when it came to hard drugs. He hated the possibility of over-dosing and the fact that it destroys your body. He was a black and white type of thinker, there were no grey areas. When 9:31pm arrived, Andrew and a few friends from his lacrosse team showed up. Followed by Samantha and a few girls from school. I was already really high from the pills and the lines I had snorted shortly before they arrived. I needed to act sober so I offered to roll a blunt. Everyone placed their alcohol on the kitchen table next to mine and walked outside. As I was rolling the joint, Jeremy, Andrews friend shouted “Hey dude, if she can roll, she’s a keeper.” Andrew chuckled and sat behind me on a lawn chair. We all smoked; however, my anxiety levels rose from the weed, so I walked back inside and snorted a few more lines in the bathroom. Whilst inside, more people begin to enter my house, however, a majority of the party took place outside considering the amount of stoners and the nice weather. By 1am, everyone who I had invited was there, and more people. However, I could not find Andrew anywhere. I searched my whole house until I entered my bedroom for a few minutes of peace and quiet. I snorted a few more lines. My nose began to bleed and an excruciating pain shot through my head. I chugged the glass of Jack and coke I had brought into the room with me. Everything became blurry and I felt my head hit the wooden floor.
…stay… I see a corpse lying on the floor. I am out of my body, and no one has found me yet. I can’t move or make a sound. Eventually, Samantha enters my bedroom and she yells at the top of her lungs for help. She pulls out her cellphone and dials 9-1-1. “My friend. Oh my god, she might be dead. Please help her.” She gives information about who I am and our whereabouts. Another person enters my bedroom and she tells them that police and an ambulance is coming. I watch everyone evacuate quickly. I see Steven and Andrew run inside the house screaming for Samantha and I. “HELP!” Samantha yells. Andrew runs into my bedroom and begins crying. Where was he? I was looking for him. Where did he go? “What the f**k happened?” Andrew cried. The three of them are in tears, and all I want to do is tell them that I’ll be alright. However, the more I look at my lifeless body, the more I begin to doubt it. Paramedics rush into the room and almost pull Andrew off of my body. They place me on a stretcher and we enter an ambulance. I watch from a bird’s eye view. We enter the emergency wing of the hospital and I am immediately rushed into a room. Samantha, Andrew and Steven are told to wait in the waiting room. I follow the paramedics and the doctors. I watch them use the defibrillator and they don’t get a pulse as the cold silver paddles are pressed against my cold and pale skin. They then pump my stomach and nothing happens. Everyone but one doctor leaves the room looking disappointed. I follow the nurse that heads towards the waiting room. She calls “Lily Flinch’s party.” I watch Samantha stand from Stevens lap and Andrew slowly stands up. “Her heart isn’t beating. We tried what we could, but nothing.” I watch Samantha fall to the ground as Steven grabs hold of her. Andrew shouts no as he sits back down on the chair and begins to sob hysterically. I re-enter the room where I’m lying and chant to myself ‘live’ over and over again. Andrew runs into my room crying. “Lily!” The doctor turns to him and tells him he has to leave unless he is family. “I am her family.” The doctor nods and offers to give him time to say goodbye to my body. “Lily, oh my God. What the f**k did you do?! I left for f*****g 10 minutes to go get more beer and you managed to f*****g kill yourself? I love you Lily. I can’t just let go, not now. I can’t say goodbye. Oh my god Lily, no…” His voice trails off as he begins to cry more. There is then a loud beep. I notice my heart monitor beeps. Andrew yells for help. I slowly open my eyes and there is a throbbing in my head. Andrews forehead is in-between his palms, as his elbows rest on his knees. My mouth is dry and I can’t seem to make a sound. I move my fingers which are lying beside my body. Andrew lifts his head and smiles. His eyes are red and swollen. “Baby.” He lets out an exasperated sigh. I swallow and I have nothing to say. I am beyond exhausted and all I want is to sleep again. I close my eyes and drift off into a heavy slumber. When I wake, both of my parents are sitting on my bedside, and Andrew is in the corner of a chair. My mother begins crying and my dad’s mouth is in a straight firm line. “Lily, what happened? What did you do to yourself?” These words barely exit my mother’s mouth due to the amount she is crying. “It was an accident.” I attempt to reassure her. “No it wasn’t! Blow! Really Lily?! What the f**k?” My dad is shouting. I start crying and Andrew doesn’t budge. His eyes peer into mine, and I begin feeling the disappointment he feels in me. I look down at my bed, not listening to the foul words my father shouts. I begin to pull at the stray material of the hospital blanket. When my parents leave out of exhaust and anger, Andrew remains on the chair in silence. I have so much to say to him, but I feel speechless because no matter what I say, I won’t be able to make it right again. I stare at him, and notice his eyes are sunken in and dark; he evidentially hasn’t slept yet. He looks at me and shakes his head. “Can you come cuddle?” I ask in almost a whisper. Andrew shakes his head again. “I didn’t mean to over-dose.” “It’s not just the fact that you over-dosed Lily. It’s the fact that a) you know how I feel about hard drugs b) you lied to me and c) you did them all by yourself. If that doesn’t make you a druggy, I don’t know what does.” He stands from the chair and heads in the direction of the door. “Babe, please don’t go. Wait!” And just like that, he is gone; leaving me completely alone.” ----------------------------------------------------- I awake the following morning by a doctor who wants to ask multiple questions about my over-dose. “Are you suicidal? Depressed? Attention seeking? A drug addict?” I shake my head to all of these questions and I am told that I will be released tomorrow. I smile and the doctor exits. My day is lonely, consisting of lying in bed, watching awful cable T.V. and eating awful hospital food. At 6:02pm I decide to call Samantha to apologize. She answers in a panic “Hello?” “Hey, I was just ca-” “Oh my God Lily! I thought this was a call to say something bad happened. Okay, thank God!” I giggle at her reaction. “I just wanted to say sorry for the other night; I just got a little carried away…” “Do you remember 8th grade when you kicked open my bathroom door because you knew I was puking up the salad we had just eaten?” “Yeah?” “Exactly. It’s what friends are for; to take care of each other. Next time, just try not to O.D, and give us all heart attacks. And share.” She laughs and so do I. “You scared us Lil, even your dad cried.” “I fucked up with everyone…especially Andrew.” “Give it time.” After my phone call with Samantha, I call Andrew. It rings three times before he picks up. “What?” I hear a female voice in the background and automatically assume the worst. “Who are you with?” my hands begin to tremble and my voice cracks. “Elizabeth.” “Who?” “My friend. I met her at the party. Is there a reason you called, we’re in the middle of a movie.” I hang up the phone and sink my face into the pillow. I begin to cry uncontrollably. Horrible thoughts race through my mind as I feel myself become emptier every time a tear exits from my eyes. I cry until my eyelids become heavy and I fall asleep. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake from what I believe is a nightmare at 8:42am. I inhale deeply and hope that the phone call last night was just a nightmare. The doctor peers into the window on the door to my hospital room and enters when she notices that I am awake. “You’re being discharged today. We tried contacting your parents, but it seems as if their phones are off. You can stay until we arrange for someone to pick you up.” “Oh, no need for that, I arranged with my friend that she would pick me up once I was discharged.” I lie and force a smile on my face. “Okay great. Sign these papers, and I’ll have a nurse come in and remove all of the IV’s.” I sign the papers and call my bank once she exits. I have 88.76$ left in my bank account. Enough to take a taxi to Andrews and back. ----------------------------------------------------- When I am discharged, I walk to the closest ATM machine and withdraw 40$, then wave for a taxi. When I arrive at Andrews, his mother answers the door. “Oh hi sweetie, how are you? Long-time no see!” I imagine that Andrew hasn’t told his mother anything about us, or about Friday night. “Is Andrew home?” She nods and lets me enter the house “If I would have known you were coming over, I would have made a lunch for you. They’re in the backyard!” “I’m just here for a couple of minutes, don’t fret.” I feel my face become flushed as I walk closer to the backdoor. Every step I take, the more upset and nervous I become. “Who’s that?” The tall, slender blonde in a bikini says as I enter the backyard. Andrew turns away from her and looks at me shocked. I stand still, not quite sure what to make of this situation. He quickly exits the pool and darts towards me. “What are you doing here?” “I was discharged, and needed to see you. Is that Elizabeth?” “Yes.” “She’s very pretty.” I then exit quickly. As I am walking on the sidewalk in the direction of my house, I heard loud footsteps and panting. I look behind me and its Andrew attempting to catch his breath. “Are…you…serious?” His breath begins going back to normal. “You aren’t allowed to be mad at me! You’re the one who tried leaving. You’re the one who fucked up here! She’s a friend for your information! She stayed behind at your house cleaning it when we all went to take care of you and your stupid decisions!” He’s shouting in the middle of the street whilst I remain silent. “We are never going to work if there isn’t any trust.” “I trust you.” I reassure him as tears begin to roll down my face. “I don’t trust you anymore Lily.” I shake my head and mouth ‘I’m sorry’ whilst looking in his eyes. I cannot speak anymore because I am crying far too much. “We need to speak. I told Elizabeth to go home. My mom’s gone out to drive her then run errands. Come inside.” He says calmly as he wraps his arm around my shoulders and guides me back towards his house. ----------------------------------------------------- We sit in his bedroom and speak for three hours, and I swore on everything that I won’t do coke again. He kisses me softly and wipes my tears. We both look at each other, and I see his eyes are dark. I kiss him passionately, and he kisses back, moving my hair from my face. He grabs a handful of it, and tugs, pulling my head back slightly. He kisses my neck as he unhooks my bra. He takes my shirt and bra off and throws them on the floor. He stands, takes his shirt off and closes the lights. He slowly pulls off my pants, and kisses my stomach, followed by my thighs whilst he removes my pants fully. He kisses my thong. I feel an electric shock go through my spine every time he touches me. His finger trails above my thong and he kisses my lips. I remove his pants and boxers, freeing his erected dick. He smiles seductively and tugs on my bottom lip. He removes my thong and enters my body. He thrusts hard and deep, making me moan his name. He kisses me slowly and passionately the more he thrusts. When we both finish, we lie cuddled, breathless and tired. I’m awoken by Andrews jolting body. “Sorry babe.” He says as he kisses my forehead. He pulls in my body closer to his and shuts his eyes. It’s 8:29pm and I’m no longer tired. I attempt to free myself from his grip around my waist but fail to do so. “Andrew?” he opens his eyes. “I’m going to go home if that’s okay.” He looks puzzled but lets me out of his arms. “Why?” “I haven’t seen my parents since the other day…They don’t even know I have been discharged.” He stands and puts on his clothes. He offers to drive me home. ----------------------------------------------------- We enter my driveway and notice that all of the lights are off. “You sure you wanna stay here?” Andrew asks. I nod and kiss him good-bye. I watch as he pulls out of the driveway and leaves. I enter my dark house and turn on the hall light. “Hello?” I shout as I hear the echo of my voice surround the house. No answer. I roam around the house searching for anyone. Empty. I find my cellphone under my bed and text my mother where are you? I get a phone call instantly after the message is delivered. “Where are you?” My mother’s tone is more demanding rather than worried. “Home, I was discharged this morning. You’d know that, but yours and dads phones have been off.” “We’re up North. Your father and I needed to relax after the stunt you pulled. Try not to over-dose tonight.” I hang up the phone and lie on my bed numbly. I put my hand underneath my pillow and feel plastic. I remove it and notice it is the remainder of cocaine that I had purchased. I debate on doing it but settle on smoking a joint. As I sit outside in my garden, I call Andrew. We speak on the phone for a few minutes about nonsense until I bring up my hospital experience. “You know, I heard everything you said to me when my heart wasn’t beating. You’re the reason I’m alive.” “You’re alive because of doctors.” “No. Well, yea, but no. you told me you loved me…” The other end of the phone remains silent. “When you said that, I knew I couldn’t just leave you, you know? It would be sort of unfair to you.” “I meant it.” I remain silent now. “Lily?” I can’t seem to find words to tell Andrew how I feel. “Hello?” I breathe in and finally decide to reply. “I like you a lot Andrew. More than I’ve liked anyone else, but love is a big word, and it’s so overused, and relationships change once you say those three words.” I get no answer on his end. “I’m going to go to bed okay? I’ve had a long few days. So have you. Goodnight babe.” I hang up and finish the joint. The bag of cocaine sits in my hand as I contemplate on snorting it. I put it back on my bed and go into my bathroom. I splash cold water on my face and look in the mirror. My eyes are red, sunken in and I have huge bags underneath them. I re-enter my bedroom and pour the white powder onto my desk. I make four lines, and snort them one by one. I instantly feel the high and I lie on my bed with my eyes wide open. I begin to regret doing the cocaine and start crying softly. An hour passes, and I have smoked a blunt to calm me down. I decide that a few more lines won’t do any harm as long as Andrew doesn’t know about it. I make two more lines then snort. I put on my bathing suit and make myself a scotch on the rocks. I enter my backyard and turn on the hot tub. I enter it feeling the scorching water burn my feet, followed by my legs, stomach then chest. Once I am comfortable, I sip on my drink and close my eyes. I feel the steam cleanse my face. I sink deeper into my seat and feel the water rise touching my face. I plunge into the water for a few seconds.
Kiss me I am pulled up from the water. I look up and see a beautiful woman wearing an all-black dress, with huge and magnificent wings. I do not fear her at all. Instead, I am intrigued by her. She smiles at me and I smile back. “Thank you.” I say to her as she comes closer to me. She submerges into the water and sits across from me. “Aren’t you afraid of wetting your dress?” I ask curiously as I take another sip of my drink. “It’s just water, it will dry. Aren’t you curious as to who I am or what my purpose here is?” I shake my head and laugh loudly. She smiles back at me and inches closer. “You were under the water for quite some time you know?” I shrug my shoulders and she touches my thigh. “You’re beautiful.” I say as I smile to her. I notice all of her amazing features. Her eyelashes are long and dark; her eyes are almond shaped and a dark purple colour. Her cheekbones protrude beautifully and her cheeks are the perfect rosy red. She wears black lipstick so elegantly and her hair is in a tight black ponytail. “Do you want a kiss?” I smile when she asks this question. She takes it as a sign to move in closer to me. As her lips are about to touch mine, I pull away quickly. I lift my head quickly from the water and I gasp for air. I cough until water pours from my mouth. I look around for the beautiful woman and see no sight of her. I don’t see any water trails either. I assume it must be the drugs that are making me hallucinate. I chug the rest of my scotch and exit the water. I turn off the hot tub and sit on the swing. I lie down on it and stare up at the stars. I attempt to count them one by one, but tonight is a starry night. When I reach 39, I begin to fall asleep. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in the sub-zero August weather. Shivering, I re-enter my house and head straight towards my bedroom. I lie underneath three blankets whilst I continue to shiver. I stand, put on a large wool sweater, sweat pants and go downstairs to make myself a cup of camomile tea. Whilst I wait for my tea to brew, I turn on the television and sit on the leather couch. I watch the news. I shake my head at all of the horrible stories, and wonder who that woman was, and where she came from. As I drink my tea, I grab my notebook and begin to draw her. When I am finished, I leave my notebook and empty mug on the coffee table and head back upstairs into my bedroom to go to sleep. I check my phone one last time, and I see that I have several text messages from Andrew. All of which are telling me to call him, except for one, which is a very long text message. It reads “Are you ever going to be in love with me Lily? If not, I don’t know if I could do this. I spent three years trying to win you over, and you let me go three times. I need to know if what we have is something real, if it’s something that is going to lead somewhere eventually. I can’t have my heart broken by you again. I’m sorry.” I begin crying but I lock my phone and decide to go to sleep and deal with the situation tomorrow when my mind is clear. ----------------------------------------------------- I wake up to the sound of rain hitting my windowsill. I have a loud thumping in my head, and the rain is not helping. I stand slowly and walk to my bathroom. I remove my clothes and slip into a hot shower. I stand for a while letting the warm water wash away all of the bad. I let it burn my skin as I watch my fingers prune. I wash my hair and body then exit. I put on my warm cotton bathrobe and go downstairs to make myself breakfast. As I am cooking eggs, my cellphone begins to ring. I hear it from my bedroom ring three times before it stops. I hear it ring again. Ring, ring ring. I decide to walk upstairs to retrieve my phone. Two missed calls from Andrew. I lock my phone and bring it downstairs. I eat my eggs and drink my orange juice in silence. He calls me again whilst I am putting my dishes in the dishwasher. “Have you been ignoring me intentionally?” “My phone’s been on silent, sorry.” I lie. I begin to regret last night, and want to tell Andrew about the beautiful woman, but I feel as if he will judge me. We don’t speak much on the phone, and he notifies me that he will come over after work so we can discuss some things. When we hang up, I go upstairs and put on a summer dress and a large sweater. I grab my book and go in my garden. I begin to reflect on last night, and what Andrew told me. I’m not sure I love him. How are you supposed to know you’re in love with someone? Is it when your heart beats so quickly that you feel like you’re running out of oxygen? Or when you feel your stomach turn upside down because the thought of them anywhere but with you makes you hurl? Or how about when you lie in bed and sob because everything seems so perfect, and you know for a fact, that perfect doesn’t last forever. This pain I feel with him, this happiness…it all feels like a dream, and at any moment, I’m going to wake up from it, and realize it was only just a dream. ----------------------------------------------------- I hear footsteps in my backyard at 6:25pm. I turn my head and see Andrew entering the garden with a bouquet of sunflowers. He is wearing a beautifully fitted suit and his hair is gelled. “We’re going on a date you little hippie.” He looks down at me whilst I lie on the grass. I stand and look at him nervously. “Don’t we need to talk?” He nods his head. “We do, but you see, before you answer the question I asked last night, I want to see if you feel it.” I look at him confused. “Go put on a pretty dress.” He holds out his hand and I grab it. He helps me up. “These are for you. Your favourite flowers from your favourite guy.” He smiles and winks. His smile is so contagious that I begin to smile. I thank him and kiss his cheek. We enter my house and I go upstairs to find a dress. “Fancy dress right?” I shout from my bedroom in hopes that Andrew hears me from upstairs. “Yes, elegant.” He calls back. ----------------------------------------------------- I walk down the wooden steps wearing a long silk black dress. The spaghetti straps hang on my shoulders as the dress drapes over my body, a little more snug in the proper places. I wear my hair in a loose bun, with a ribbon holding it up. I wear my black stiletto Louis Buttons that make noise every time I take a step. Andrew stands from my couch and heads towards me. “Wow.” He looks at me with amazement in his eyes. “Elegant enough for you?” I smile and wave like the queen. He smiles and puts out his arm. We leave my house and he opens the car door for me. I sit inside, and he plays All of Me by John Legend in the car on repeat until we arrive to a restaurant along the water. We enter and a woman escorts us to our private table. Andrew pulls out my chair and I sit. I look around with my eyes wide. Andrew sits and the waiter pours us both a glass of champagne. Andrew raises his glass “To us.” I smile, raise my glass and repeat his words. We clink our glasses together and take a sip. We order our food and receive it moments later. “Do you want to know what I thought the first time I had ever seen you?” “Yes.” I smiled wondering what could have gone through his mind. “Well, the first time I ever saw you, it was on the internet. I saw your picture after Timothy had commented on it and I thought ‘wow, I need to have this girl. I need to tell her how beautiful she is.’” I laughed so hard that I almost spit out my champagne. “So classy.” Andrew says as he chuckles. “Want to know what I thought of you when I first saw you?” He nods. “I thought, ‘why? Why me? Why would a guy like you take the time to show interest in me?’” “Because I knew your heart was surrounded by an ice castle, and I, the wild forest fire had to warm that cold little heart up.” “You burnt me.” I smile and take another sip of champagne. In that moment, I feel secure again. I feel like I could live for forever, with Andrew, just us two. The happiness came back, and it came back so hard that I felt out of breath and anxious. My breathing quickens and Andrew notices. “Babe, these feelings are good, don’t make them negative.” “I’m scared.” I look at him directly in the eyes and he looks back. I feel safe again, and okay. I feel that with him in my life, a sense of security will always be found. I feel at home. I never believed anyone who said home is where the heart is, but I suppose it all makes sense now. I had never felt quite at home in my actual house with my parents, and only found comfort in drugs and alcohol. Until Andrew. He makes me feel like I have a home, like I belong somewhere, and I find more comfort in him, than any drug. It’s like I’m on a constant high with him, and it is one of the best, but most terrifying highs I have ever been on. When we finish dinner, Andrew and I walk along the water until we reach a dock filled with boats. We continue walking down the aisle of boats and we stop at one in particular. “Hope” is written on the yacht and I look at Andrew slightly confused. “It’s my dad’s, come on.” He holds my hand as we get on the yacht. We enter a patio door and inside is a king size bed with rose peddles in the shape of a heart. “I’m going to puke, you’re so cheesy.” I say as I laugh. Andrew grabs me and kisses me, pushing me against the wall. He lifts my dress and feels my fishnets. He steps away and tells me he has something to show me. He undoes his tie and removes it from his shirt. He hands me the tie “put this over your eyes, and tie it.” I do as I am told. After it is on Andrew asks me if I can see him, which I shake my head in response. He takes my arm and guides me up stairs. He gives me permission to take off the blindfold. I remove it and I am standing at the peak of the boat, peering at the beautiful water. “Look up silly, not down.” Being confused, I listen to him and look at all of the beautiful stars. I admire the beauty of each individual star and smile at how peaceful everything is. “Ok, so hold on, stay here, look at those stars, I’ll be back.” Andrew smiles then trips on his way back inside the boat. He returns with a telescope. “This thing will tell you where stars are, with latitude and longitude or something.” He smiles at me shyly so I smile back, hoping he will elaborate. “Go to 42, 39” I look inside the telescope and move to that star. It’s a large, bright star, like any other. “I sort of bought it.” He scratches his head and looks towards the ground. “…and named it after you.” I turn towards him and hug him tightly. “Babe, why?” “I asked if you would ever love me, and I mean, even if you don’t ever love me, and if we do ever breakup, no matter where we go, together or apart, I’ll still always be able to look up and know that you are with me.” We re-enter the boat once it begins to rain. I sit on the bed, displacing the rose peddles. Andrew hops on the bed beside me and lies down. He looks up at the ceiling smiles. “Too much eh?” He laughs after he asks the question. I close my eyes and shake my head. “A little, but it was great. I felt like a real woman today.” I laugh as I undo the bun in my hair. My hair falls down my back and it is in waves. I lie beside him, both of us lying together but not touching. I feel the connection between us. Although we aren’t touching, I feel closer to him than I have ever felt with anyone else. I feel like this moment could last forever, and I would give up a day on this world to make this moment last longer. I turn on my side to face Andrew and he opens his eyes. “What?” he asks. I don’t reply, but instead I grab the pillow from my head and hit him with it. He laughs then immediately grabs his pillow and hits me with it. I laugh like a little child every time a pillow touches mine or Andrew’s body. We both look like little children fighting, but we also look happy. Genuinely happy. No amount of money could ever give anyone what I feel when I am with Andrew. He makes me feel like I deserved a childhood, he makes me feel like I deserve all of this happiness that I am feeling. Although it’s an unsettling feeling, it is a feeling I wouldn’t mind becoming accustomed to. We have a pillow fight for 20 minutes before I hear a tear. I look at the bottom of my dress and notice that the heel of my shoe went straight through the silk. I must look horrified because Andrew stands up immediately asking if I’m okay. I nod my head and remove the dress, leaving me in lingerie, fishnets and stilettos. Andrew looks at me seductively and I roll my eyes. He removes his suit and pats the spot on the bed beside him. “Come cuddle.” He says to me, so I join him on the bed again. We lie with our legs intertwined, my torso pressed against his hard stomach, and his arms wrapped around me tightly. I inhale deeply and close my eyes. “Why haven’t I ever met your dad?” I ask curiously. “I mean, I see pictures of him all over your house, and I’ve been over so many times over the past few years…” I trail off waiting for a response. “He uh, I don’t see my dad.” “Oh your parents are divorced?” “No.” I open my eyes and look up at Andrew. “Well, where is he then?” “He died when I was 13.” I open my mouth widely in shock and give Andrew a peck on his lips once I process what has just been said to me. I want to ask why, but I don’t want to bring up any horrid memories because I know what it feels like. We continue to lie in bed in silence -Andrew finally speaks. “Car accident. That’s how it happened. He was an alcoholic…I guess you can figure out the rest.” “Oh my god.” I say in complete and utter shock. “Luckily he didn’t hurt anyone else, but yeah…he hit a tree on a road. Died instantly so they say.” “Oh my god Andrew I am so sorry.” “It’s okay.” “Your mom speaks so highly of him though, almost like he’s still here.” These words exit from my mouth quicker than I am able to process what I just said. “Yeah, they were in love. She loved him despite all of his problems, and he loved her… High school sweethearts…They were adorable.” I kiss him and he closes his eyes. “I’m tired” he says and rolls over on the other side of the bed. “Goodnight babe.” “Goodnight Lily.” Whilst Andrew snores, I contemplate whether or not I will ever love him. I am beyond petrified with the conclusion I draw up. Is love crying in your bedroom when they aren’t around because you wish they were? Is love sitting in the shower, letting the scorching water burn your skin as you sit numbly because you aren’t sure how long this happiness is going to last? Is love picturing a future with them in it, and trying to picture a future without them, and not being able to do so? I’m afraid it is. Love is the most terrifying feeling in the world. It’s giving someone your all, including your heart, and trusting that they won’t break it. It’s not washing your pillow and sheets for weeks because their scent lingers. It’s doing something and thinking about how the other person would enjoy it, or not enjoy it. It’s eating a food and thinking about how much that person admires it or detests it. It is telling the person all of your deepest and darkest secrets. Love is when they open up to you, and you admire them even more for their secrets and past. Love is an emotion that will make or break you, and I am beyond petrified to tell Andrew that I do love him because once I do; he knows he has all of the power to break me. ----------------------------------------------------- We awake the following morning to the sound of the beautiful ocean and the birds chirping. I roll over to face Andrews back and trace my fingers along the indents of it. He moans and rolls over. “Good morning Lil.” He says coldly. I let it roll off of me because it is early, and not every morning person always wakes up happy right? I begin to feel anxious at the thought that at any point Andrew is going to ask if I do love him, and if not, if I ever will. As much as I do want to open up to him and confess my love for him, I don’t want to be hurt. I have been broken once before, and I cannot, and I repeat cannot go through it again, but this time, by someone I love, someone who will leave a hole in my heart, and a void in my body. Whenever Andrew leaves my presence I feel a sort of emptiness, which I suppose is negative because you shouldn’t feel lost without them, but I do. I feel lost without Andrew, but I am still able to function. But if Andrew were to leave for good, I’m not quite sure if I would be able to cope. I wouldn’t be able to be like his mother and put a smile on my face every day. And this terrifies me. I have never felt like this with someone before, nor has anything given me such a feeling. I am not a fantastic person, who has done no wrong in their life, so why do I deserve a guy as magnificent as Andrew? I don’t; and I suppose that is why I am so petrified. Once I tell Andrew I love him, he can realize at any point that I am not enough for him, and he will leave. Everyone leaves and I am left looking weak. “Want me to make some breakfast?” I attempt to change his mood around by offering to cook. “I’m not really hungry.” Andrew replies coldly again. “I’m sorry about bringing him up last night…I honestly had no idea.” He ignores my apology and enters the bathroom. I stand and pick up all of the rose peddles one by one, then make the bed. I knock on the bathroom door and don’t get a response. I open the door and see that Andrew is in the shower. I sit on the toilet seat until he turns around and notices me. “What are you doing in here?” “What is wrong with you?” He shuts off the water immediately, wraps a towel around his waist and exits the shower. “What’s wrong with me?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I am completely baffled by his remark and I remain silent. “HELLO?!” He shouts. “I do all of this nice s**t for you, bring you out, open up to you, and I get nothing. I get a cold hearted girl who is with me for god knows what reason! I mean, sure you like me, but come on Lily, you can’t just like someone for a few years, and if that’s the case, I don’t want to do it.” I begin to feel the tears swell up in my face as I inhale deeply knowing what I need to reply, but being too scared to do so. Andrew leaves the bathroom when he notices that I do not plan on replying and gets dressed quickly. “Go home Lily. Go home.” I quickly gather my items, put on the clothes I wore last night and quickly walk up the stairs. I leave the boat as quickly as I possibly could. I end up taking my shoes off once I am halfway to my house and begin running. I hear my dress tear more and more, but I could not care less. Once I arrive at my house my parents are home to my surprise. “Nice of you to finally be home.” My mother says to me snidely. After the morning I have just had, I snap. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I AM HOME ALL THE TIME AND IT IS BOTH OF YOU WHO ARE NEVER HOME? LILY OVERDOSES AND YOU GUYS SHOW UP A DAY LATER. I’M DISCHARGED, YOU GUYS AREN’T EVEN HOME! I THINK I HAVE SEEN YOU GUYS TWICE THIS MONTH, COUNTING THE HOSPITAL VISIT! YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE THE TITLE AS PARENTS!” I shout at the top of my lungs and my voice cracks as I begin to sob. My mother runs up to me and smacks me across my face. She leaves the room and I watch my father walk down the stairs. “You are a disappointment to this family kid, no wonder we aren’t home at all; we are ashamed to have a drug addict of a daughter.” “I’m taking after the best.” Before my father reaches the bottom step, I grab my wallet from the shelf and leave my house. I call Samantha when I leave the house. “I lost everyone Sam, everyone but you.” “What happened? Where are you? Are you okay?” I continue to cry making it very difficult to speak. “I fucked up with Andrew, and my parents just told me I was a disgrace basically to the family. I can’t do it anymore Sam.” We speak on the phone for two hours until I calm down. I walk around town until it is dark out. When I arrive back home, the house is empty and my father’s car is gone. I enter the house, forgetting to lock the front door and notice no one is home. Shocker. I enter the kitchen and see that there is a note on the table. “We are back up north as you can imagine. We’re going to stay here for a little while, until you have your s**t figured out. Your father and I have done nothing wrong, and the comments you made to us were awful.” I tear the note up in tiny pieces and leave it on the table. ----------------------------------------------------- I sit in my garden as I let the rain pour on me. I sit numbly, with no tears left in my body. I feel completely empty, and am on the verge of relapsing. On the verge of tearing my skin apart again despite the fact that I haven’t done that in over a year. I look up at the rain and silently pray for that beautiful woman to come back and speak to me, to make everything better. When she doesn’t arrive, I re-enter my house and go straight to my bathroom. I grab a razor blade and stare at it. I shout at it, at myself, then to no one at all. I press it against my wrist and slide it from left to right. I feel the immediate sting and that is when I am no longer empty. I begin sobbing and continue to slide the blade left to right in the same spot. There is so much blood, but I still feel no pain.
On my own I sit in my bathtub as the beautiful woman strokes my hair. I watch the blood pour out of my wrist. I feel no pain, nor any fear. “What’s your name?” I ask. “Shh.” She says to me as she continues to play with my hair. I continue to watch the crimson stain the white ceramic of the bathtub. She enters the bathtub with me, so I move my legs. We are sitting with our knees up, touching, and we are both looking at each other in the eyes. “Why do you only show up when I am at my lowest point?” “I’m only allowed to be here when you are my darling.” She replies with such elegance and I remain confused. “I think I’m going to need stitches.” I tell her. “I don’t think so” she replies and smiles. “It’s bleeding a lot though.” She nods her head and grabs my wrist. She kisses it - asks me if I want a kiss. I shake my head this time and she looks at me confused. “I only want to kiss one person for the rest of my life, but he doesn’t want to kiss me anymore…I screwed that up. Have you ever been in love?” “Once…and it killed me.” I’m awoken by Samantha shaking me and calling my name repetitively. “Goodness, you scared me boo; I thought you were gone again.” I give her a small smile and I feel weak, physically and emotionally. “You’re back to this?” I shake my head. “I know it was a rough day. That’s why I’m not yelling at you, but you can’t go back to this every time something is hard. Life is going to be hard, and you can’t just escape every time you think that you aren’t going to get past it. Look at all of what you have been through. Grade 6, you got raped by your dads best friend and your parents turned their heads the other way-” I interrupt her immediately “that’s when I started this though…” “But you didn’t try killing yourself. Grade 8, you catch your father snorting lines off of some woman, where you had to swear secrecy to him. Grade 9-11 you had to put up with my eating disorder, which I know wasn’t easy. Hell, you even kept going after your failed suicide attempt. You can’t do this, I can’t lose you, and I know that it is going to happen soon with this path you’re on. I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough, and I don’t care if I sound selfish, because it’s true. I can’t live without you.” I begin to sob hysterically. “I have been such an emotional mess recently.” “We need to get you cleaned up; I’m going to call Steven.” I look at her confused so she continues her sentence. “He’s with Andrew right now; he’s been pretty emotional too. I’ll tell him to come over with Andrew.” “Andrew won’t agree to that.” “Andrew doesn’t have to know.” She smiles at me and helps me out of the bathtub. Samantha wraps my wrist tightly with a grand amount of gauze and polisporin. She gets me a silk nightgown, and as I am putting it on, she takes the razor from my bath tub, throws it out, and rinses out the tub. “I love you Sam. Thank you.” She smiles at me and I know that is her way of saying you’re welcome. She calls Steven and tells him the plan. He apparently agrees to it because Samantha smiles when she hangs up the phone. “Want tea?” I say to her and she giggles. “Sweetie, you just almost died again, I’ll go make us tea, please stay in your bed.” She exits my bedroom and walks down the stairs. ----------------------------------------------------- I hear the kettle go off followed by the doorbell. I hear Samantha call out that the door is unlocked, and I hear her pouring the boiling water into cups. I hear Stevens voice first. “Sam, Andrew is in the car, he’s pretty pissed.” “Steven, you get his little a*s in this house right now or I will go out there and bring it in the house.” Samantha is a very tall and slender girl, but she knows how to fight, and she’s very well aware of the fact that others feared her. Steven must fear Samantha considering that I heard Andrew’s voice and Steven’s as they re-entered the house. “What the f**k Samantha?” Andrew says rudely. “Go upstairs.” I hear footsteps coming up the wooden stairs. I lie in bed, feeling too weak to move. Andrew enters my room and notices the bandage on my wrist immediately. “ARE YOU F*****G KIDDING ME?!” He shouts as loud as I have ever heard him shout before. “I need to talk to you. Please.” He sits on my computer chair at the other end of the room, just like he had the first time we met. “Andrew, I am terrified of love, and I know that sounds stupid, but everything in my life has taught me that love is an awful thing, and I can’t afford to be broken again. I can’t let you break my heart.” He remains silent and still in the chair. “I don’t want to lose you, I mean, I can’t lose you. I can’t picture a future without you in it. I can’t sleep without knowing that you are safe and sound in your bed. I…I love you Andrew and it makes me feel weak.” He stares at me in my eyes, and I notice his eyes are dark. “You can’t tell me you love me after all of this, it isn’t how it works. You can’t hurt me, and try to make it up by saying what I want to hear.” “Come here for a second.” He shakes his head as I take my phone from under my pillow. “Come here.” I wave my phone at him and he stands. He remains standing as I unlock my phone. “I did this when you were in the shower. I then took them off because I was too scared.” “Did what?” I turn my phone to him and show him the bed on the boat. The bed which had rose peddles on his bed that said I L Y. “I know it isn’t the full word, but I do love you, there just wasn’t enough peddles. So don’t tell me that I’m just saying it to make you happy.” He sits on my bed as he rubs his thumb over the gauze on my wrist. Samantha enters my bedroom claiming that she and Steven were going to leave. She gives Andrew and me both a cup of tea and kisses my forehead. “Why would loving me make you weak?” Andrew asks. “I’ve only seen the bad sides of love Andrew…All loves start off as great as ours, then ends horribly, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with that.” I admit. “But no love stays as great as ours for three years.” “Technically not three because we haven’t been together for that long.” I say as-a-matter-of-factly. “Okay, but we have both liked each other for three years. I can’t picture my life without you, as cheesy as that is. You said it yourself too. I mean, forever is up to us. I’m invested in it, and so are you. You have to stop comparing us to everyone else. We are so different. I mean, we’ve already screwed up enough times together, that would make any normal couple break up, but we haven’t. I think that should be a sign.” I don’t say anything, but I put my head on his lap. He plays with my hair the way that the woman did tonight. I fall into a heavy sleep. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake the following morning and roll over to my left side thinking that Andrew is going to be there. When I see that my bed is empty, I walk around my house calling for him. No response. After a search, I call his cellphone. There is no answer so I leave a quick voicemail asking where he is. I decide to put on my bathing suit and go swimming. The water is cold and it sends shivers up my spine and I get goose bumps. I submerge my head in the water and swim to the end of my pool. I decide to do laps considering I haven’t worked out in a while. As I am doing the laps, Andrew enters my backyard with McDonalds. I exit my pool and smile. “I was too lazy to make you breakfast, and well, I didn’t think you’d wake up anytime soon to cook, so I got us breakfast.” I laugh at how well he knows me, kiss him on the cheek and thank him. We sit on my swing and eat our food in silence. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, just like recovery isn’t only going to take a day.” Andrew looks at me confused. “Huh?” “Yesterday, you got mad because I cut myself, but I’ve only been out of the hospital for a few months, and I mean, I’m not going to be fully recovered for a little while you know?” I am not trying to be rude, or hurt Andrew’s feelings, however he takes my words as an insult and gets frustrated. “I never asked you to be better, but I mean - you should be now that you have me. You have no reason to be sad anymore.” I walk to my bedroom and pull out a sketchbook from underneath my bed. I re-enter my backyard and sit next to Andrew. I open the book to the third page. “This is what depression is like. This is how it is with or without fantastic people supporting you” The once white page is now covered in black charcoal. “It’s sort of like drowning and everyone wants to get you out of the water, but no one else can swim.” “Teach me.” I kiss Andrew and shake my head. “No need, you’re learning quickly.” We remain seated on the swing listening to the birds chirp melodies and as we let the sun kiss our bodies. ---------------------------------------------- When we are lying on my leather couch watching the news, I receive a text message from Timothy asking if I wanted to see him for a little while. Andrew peers over my shoulder and pushes me slightly, but hard enough to separate us. “Are you going to go?” Andrew asks in a very demanding voice. “Well no, I was going to suggest he comes here, and we can all hang out.” “What makes you think I would want to see him?” “It’s my house, and he’s my friend…So uh, I don’t know, I didn’t really think about asking you.” “Of course you didn’t.” Andrew walks towards the bathroom and slams the door. I text Timothy back saying to meet me at the Starbucks that separates our houses from one another in 20 minutes. “Be a baby, I’m going to see him in a public area.” I grab my bus pass and close the front door as hard as I possibly can. ----------------------------------------------------- “Are you okay?” Timothy says as he walks to our table with two cups of coffee in his hands. I nod whilst I am peering out of the window, not looking at anything in particular. “Lily, don’t try to fool me. We were together for years, and we’ve been best friends for an even longer time.” “We aren’t best friends anymore.” I snicker. “I know, but I mean, before you and Andrew, and all of that.” “Yeah, we were.” “You know, I do miss being your best friend. Nothing else. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a great girl, but we both didn’t fancy each other that people are supposed to. We were just friends trying to comfort one another through tough times.” “I know but tell that to Andrew.” I roll my eyes as I say his name. “What’s going on?” “It’s so stupid. He can hang out with some beautiful, tall, super skinny girl that he met whilst drunk at a party, and I’m not allowed to have a problem with it, but I can’t invite you over to MY house because I didn’t consult with him whether or not I was permitted to see you.” Timothy shakes his head, laughs and takes a sip of his coffee. We speak for three hours non-stop about our past, and my current relationship. “I never pictured you in an actual relationship you know? I just, I didn’t think you were capable of loving someone.” Timothy admits. “Me neither.” I turn my phone on and notice I have 29 missed calls from Andrew and several text messages. I inhale deeply and hold my breath for a few seconds as I unlock my phone. I dial his number and listen to my heartbeat increase as it rings. Andrew answers right away. “Where did you go?” He sounds extremely calm given the fact that he attempted to contact me so many times. “I’m at Starbucks with Timothy.” He hangs up on me, and I know that that is my cue to leave Timothy and go back home to speak to Andrew. The bus stops at a red light on my way home and as I peer out of the window, I begin to cry. Love is such a wonderful feeling, but love is also very possessive. Perhaps I am not yet accustomed to being possessive and jealous, and Andrew is, however, I despise this. Sure, being a little jealous is fine, but to jump to conclusions, especially this early on in a relationship, and after the fact that I opened up to Andrew- that I told him the three words I never was able to say before, not even to my parents. I hypothetically gave Andrew my heart, and right now, it’s almost as if my heart isn’t enough. My vision is blurry from the buildup of tears. I walk up the stairs to my front door as I feel Andrew watch me walk towards the entrance. He opens it and stands still. “We need to talk " and by us, I mean I need to talk.” Andrew says nothing, but his eyes expand widely. “No Lily, please don’t do this. We need to talk is never good, Lily…” his voice trails off as his eyes begin to fill with tears. “I’m not ending this, but I need to speak and you need to listen Andrew.” He nods and I walk into the house- he follows. ----------------------------------------------------- We sit across from each other inside of my dining room. “I love you Andrew, I really do. I had male friends before you, and I am not going to just ditch all of them because you want me to. You know, you talk a lot about how I need to trust you with my heart, and all that romantic bullshit, but you don’t trust me.” “I do trust you Lily, and I am so sorry that this is how it is. I guess, I just love too hard, and I love you more than I could love anyone or anything else. I’m just so scared that you will find better one day, and I won’t know it until you leave.” “I’m not going anywhere.” “Promise?” I nod my head and he extends his pinky finger. I lock mine with his and repeat “promise”. We lie in bed silently as I ponder about my parents, about Andrew, about my life in general. Andrew shifts his body from beside me to on top of me. He grabs my wrists with one hand, and pins them above my head. He presses his lips against mine hard and begins to invade my mouth. I gasp for air as I become more and more turned on. He separates my thighs with his knee. He pulls off my shorts quickly and pulls of his boxers. I moan loudly as he thrusts inside of me. He bites my neck then kisses it. The louder I moan, the harder he goes. My hands are still pinned, and my legs are wrapped around his torso. There is no more kissing, just f*****g. I moan his name loudly as I orgasm. He then finishes right after me and releases himself from my body. I lay numbly while Andrew showers. It is most certainly not the first time I have ever had sex, but it’s the first time Andrew and I didn’t make love. I never really thought that there was a difference between making love and f*****g. I thought that sex was just a little different when you like someone compared to not liking them. But truth is- it is completely different. Making love is kissing each other, half of the time missing each other’s mouths, and laughing seconds later. Making love is listening to their heartbeat increase as their chest is pressed against yours as they enter your body. It’s hearing them moan I love you and it sounding so perfect. F*****g on the other hand - is more of a job. Something that needs to be done, something that shouldn’t happen to a couple. Sure, rough sex is fun, but rough sex can also be making love. This wasn’t. This had no emotions attached. He exits the shower as I lie in my bed turned away from the door that leads to the bathroom. “Lily?” I ignore him pretending I am asleep. He enters my bed and pulls me close to him. He nuzzles his nose into my hair. He peaks over my head to see if my eyes are closed or not, so I shut them immediately. “Are you asleep?” I ignore him once again. “Okay, well, if you can hear me, I have to go home. I promised my mom I would be home tonight.” I hear him take his car keys, followed by the door opening and closing. I roll over and watch his headlights fade as he pulls out of the driveway. ----------------------------------------------------- I’m awoken at 3:39am by a phone call from Andrew. “Lil? Sorry to wake you, I’ve just had an awful nightmare, and your voice always makes it better.” Andrew and I proceed to speak on the phone for 22 minutes about our schedule for the following day and we say goodnight to one another. I close my eyes and my mind begins to race with thoughts. Neither of us said I love you on the phone tonight, and perhaps we were just exhausted, or is it because neither of us wanted to say it? As my mind races, I think of only destructible ways to find self-comfort. I exit my bed and go to my bookshelf. I pull out a blue 1inch binder and open it to the first page. Written at the top is titled “Comfort found elsewhere.” It’s several methods on relieving your anxiety, or negative thoughts without harming yourself in any way or form. I flip several pages until I find a method that has always worked for me- rubber band method. I grab a rubber band from my desk drawer and slip on a large grey knit sweater, my combat boots and head to my garden. I sit on a large rock as I let the crisp air send shivers up my body. I inhale the THC and as I exhale I lift my head towards the sky. I close my eyes and snap the rubber band on my recently wounded wrist. I feel the sting and although it does hurt, it gives me some sort of relaxation, a sort of relief. After an hour of sitting in my garden, I go back inside and decide that I need rest. I awake at 1:34pm from my mother’s voice. “Wake up Lily.” She demands loudly. I open my eyes partially and then rub them when I see her sitting on my bedside. “Your father is still up north, I figured you and I could have a girls day after we talk a little.” I don’t reply immediately, so my mother stands, opens my closet and begins looking for an outfit for me to wear today. She pulls out dark wash boyfriend jeans and a white spaghetti strap tank top along with an oversized knit cardigan and black combat boots. “It’s chilly out today.” She smiles then exits my room. I slowly exit my bed and put on the clothes my mother picked out for me. I walk down the stairs slowly not knowing when my mother is going to want to speak and about what in particular. She is in the kitchen making coffee when I enter. She lifts her head quickly and gestures for me to sit down in front of her. “So what’s up?” I say in a childlike manner. “Your father and I have been having a very difficult time with you, and we think that it isn’t fair what you are doing to us.” I am baffled by my mother’s naïve attitude and laugh loudly after I process what she just said to me. “Mom, you and dad act like children! I mean, you run away from your problems no matter how minor they are, and you deal with your s**t a lot worse than I do. Maybe I have tried killing myself before, but at least I’m not killing myself daily with what you and dad do!” “EXCUSE ME?!” my mother shouts loudly. “I’m not stupid. You and dad, you don’t think I haven’t noticed the baggies lying around our cottage? And why I’m never invited? Or how about the time I walked in on dad snorting lines off a stripper? Oh you didn’t know about that? Well now you do.” My mother’s jaw drops literally as she begins to burst into tears. My mother sits on the counter and I sit on a bar stool, we are both silent because we have so much to say, but are unable to say it. “You know mom, you and dad abandoned me in sixth grade.” My mom shakes her head and places her hand on her mouth as if that will forbid her from her constant crying. “Honey, what were we supposed to do? You come to us and claim that your father’s best friend touched you? Who are we supposed to believe? Our daughter who is being neglected from attention- or a 45 year doctor?” I am shocked at my mother’s response and almost launch myself out of the stool. “You’re kidding me right?! Do you really think that if I wasn’t raped I would have cut myself for the first time, or how about those times I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t get his cold, dry hands out of my mind, or his too hairy legs? Or how about the fact that I turned to yours and dads favourite past time?” “What?” “Cocaine mom, don’t act so surprised. Where do you think I first started getting it? Yup, every time I went up north, I took a bag or so.” We both remain silent whilst my mother shakes her head in disapproval. “I want to move out.” I say boldly and calmly. ----------------------------------------------------- The following few days are spent looking online for an available apartment with a low rent, and looking for jobs online. I decide to call Andrew on the fourth day of job and house hunting. “Hello?” Andrews’s tone of voice appears to be concerned. “Hey, it’s me; sorry it’s been a busy week. I’m moving out.” “Wait what? Where?” I explain to Andrew briefly about the situation and he agrees to give me a few more days to find my dream job and home by myself. Later that night, I come across a 1 bedroom apartment with a kitchen, small living room and bathroom downtown. I call immediately to set up an appointment for an open house. I lay in my bed feeling relieved and hope that it goes well. As I am on the bus on my way to the open house for the apartment downtown, I receive a call from a modelling agency. When I first receive the phone call, I am in utter shock until they explain that they saw me the other day and wanted to book me for an appointment to meet with a scout. I agree and hang up feeling content and suddenly very confident. I park on the street in front of a large, and beautiful stone building. I walk to the door and ring the buzzer 107. I am buzzed up and immediately greeted at the door by a woman wearing a black pencil skirt and a pink blazer. She is smiling very widely and has a smudge of plum lipstick on her teeth. We take a tour of the little apartment then discuss prices and whatnot. “749$ a month.” The relator says as I peer out of the window in the master bedroom. The window begins two feet from the floor and goes upwards until about six feet. You are able to see the water, along with many other tall and unique buildings. I nod my head to confirm the price and turn towards the relator. We shake hands then discuss when I will be permitted to move in. I call Andrew as I wait for the bus to tell him all of the wonderful news I have received. The phone rings three times before going to voicemail. I leave a short message telling Andrew to call me back. I arrive back to my house and call Samantha for celebratory drinks. We decide to go to nightclub. I wear nude Jimmy Choo suede pumps, along with a pink fitted skirt and a white tank top tucked in. I wear many large bracelets to cover my cuts, and match the bracelets with a gold necklace. I leave my hair naturally wavy and quickly apply makeup. I am then headed out of the door and on my way to meet Samantha. We greet each other in a parking lot near the club and walk arm in arm together. I explain to Samantha about my new apartment and how I will be moving in on September 3rd- two weeks from now. I then tell her about the phone call I received from a modeling agency. “No luck with a job yet though, which sucks, but because my parents think this is a good idea, they’re paying for rent for the first few months.” Samantha and I tap our glasses together. “Cheers” we squeal as we take a sip then giggle. “How are you and Steven?” I ask after a few more drinks. “We’re just f**k friends, nothing else…Nothing is ever going to change between us. We both care about each other enough to not want to see one another with someone else, but not enough to put a title to it you know?” Samantha slurs her words slightly, and I notice it is the first time she ever admits to having any sort of relations with Steven. I point it out and we laugh. “Does Andrew know you’re here tonight?” “No, we haven’t spoken in a few days, it’s been hectic and I don’t want to put that stress on him.” Samantha nods her head with her eyes wide as she agrees with me. We leave the club with more than enough alcohol and wave for a taxi. After several taxis pass us, we decide to sit on the curb of the sidewalk for a few minutes. “I’ll call Steven! He’ll pick us up!” “Oukaay-” I slur my words and giggle. “Steven says he can be here in 30 minutes. He’s watching a movie with friends then coming.” Samantha and I walk to a park and roll a joint. As we are smoking, Andrew calls me. “Where are you?” “I was going to ask you the same thing!” I laugh in to the speaker of the phone. “Lily, seriously, where are you?” “At a park with Sam, Steven’s coming to pick us up in a bit.” “Nice to hear from you all day eh? You said a few days, not a week and two days Lily.” Andrews tone changes and the volume increases. “I’m sorry, I tried calling earlier. I found an apartment today, and I got this offer for a modeling company.” “Modeling?” “Yeah.” I reply with confidence and Andrew chuckles. “Why are you laughing?” “Lily, you know that modeling once won’t pay your bills? God, you’re a child sometimes.” I am hurt by Andrew’s words so I hang the phone up claiming my phone is going to die. I am sitting in the back of Steven’s 1998 BMW whilst his hand is placed on Samantha’s thigh and her head placed on his shoulder. They truly would make a cute couple. The car ride to my house is silent which leaves plenty of time for intoxicated Lily to think. I immediately begin thinking about tonight - about the distance I have given myself from Andrew and why. Although the distance was intentional, it wasn’t to harm him, but rather protect him from all of the unnecessary stress. However, he just doesn’t seem to comprehend that. I decide to turn off my phone for the night and enjoy the company of my friends and their happiness. Samantha asks if I want to sleep over while we are on the highway. I decline the offer nicely and say I would rather sleep in my own bed. Steven parks his car in front of my obviously empty house. I enter feeling a sort of relief because I will not be in this house anymore in a short amount of time. I head straight to bed with my skirt and tank top on. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake the following morning with motivation to begin packing considering in a week I will be moving out of my childhood household to a strange apartment by myself in an area where I don’t know anyone. I begin by packing my clothes into a suitcase, followed by packing smaller items. I decide to call my mother to tell her that I found an apartment, and which day I will be moving out on. She answers almost immediately “I’m going to be leaving on the 3rd of September. I packed everything I could into boxes, and the rest is stuff that’s too big for boxes, I guess I have to get a moving truck to move everything.” “I can arrange for one to be at the house on the 3rd. Are you sure this is what you want to do? I know we’ve had a rough few years, but Lily, you are my daughter and I do love you.” I begin to feel guilt for actually making initiative to move out, but I know that it is for the right reasons. “Yes mom. I love you too, but I think we love each other more when we aren’t near one another.” I hear her begin to cry. After a few moments of silence on my end and tears on hers, she speaks. “You can always come back. I want you to come over at least once or twice every two weeks to know you’re still okay.” “I haven’t been okay in forever. But yeah, I will.” When we hang up I sit on a sealed box and look around at my semi-empty room. I begin to ponder about all of the memories I had in this room. I begin to wander around my house and reminisce in every room. I enter my parents’ bedroom for the first time in years and I look around. It’s all white, with the occasional red object such as the pillow in the middle of their bed or the computer chair. It seems so cold and empty in this bedroom, I don’t even recall the last time my parents slept in this bed together. I walk into my garden and inhale deeply, closing my eyes. I feel the grass on my soft bare feet. My safe place. The garden was the one area in my house where I felt completely safe. The one place no one could hurt or disturb me. I lay on the grass with my eyes closed. ----------------------------------------------------- After several hours of roaming around my house, I decide that this is now the time to deal with the argument that Andrew and I are in. I decide to call him, but to my surprise he doesn’t answer so I leave him a message telling him to call me back. I turn on my shower and hear my phone ring. I answer it seeing that it is Andrew. “What?” “Uhm, I need you to come over, please.” He agrees after a small debate and says he’ll be over in an hour or so. I enter my shower and wash off all of the negativity, I let all of the bad wash off my body because I am starting fresh. I put on a pair of spandex shorts and a baggy tank top with my hair in a loose pony tail. I sit on my windowsill and read whilst I peer up out of the window every few minutes to wait for Andrew’s car to pull up in my driveway. I become a little more impatient as time elapses. I put away my novel and grab my sketchbook. I open it up to the page where I drew the beautiful lady who only wears black. Who is she? Why have I been able to see her and what does she want from me? Questions race through my head, and they remain unanswered. Finally the doorbell rings, and I run down the stairs almost missing the last step. We sit on the couch, he is at one end, whilst I am on the other -however, our legs are intertwined. “I told you at the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t going to let you push me away, but that’s what you’ve been doing Lily.” I feel his words stab me like a knife in my heart. Hurting him was not my intention, but it was rather to protect him. Looking into his sad eyes has affected my mood and I have become sad as well. “I’m not trying to push you away. I was just trying to keep you out of all of this mess.” “Yeah well, that’s not how it works; you can’t just disappear when things are hard then come back like everything’s okay.” We speak for half an hour before we are both content with one another. “We argue too much Andrew.” I admit. “Yeah, but if we didn’t argue, we’d have the grossest, cheesiest relationship ever.” He chuckles and so do I. He is correct in a sense. If we didn’t ever have any disagreements, our relationship would be too perfect, and nothing that is perfect ever lasts. He grabs my ankles and pulls me to him. I am sitting on top of him whilst his hand is in my hair. We are looking into each other’s eyes, both remaining silent, but the amount of lust and passion we both have for one another in this moment is intense. I finally break the silence. “We didn’t make love.” He shakes his head and looks at me very confused. “Huh?” “Last time we had sex, it wasn’t love, it was sex.” He nods as if he understands. “I know, I don’t know what happened Lil, but neither of our emotions were there…” he trails off as if he’s imagining the night all over again. “We’ve had a rough couple of week’s babe, it’s okay.” I smile reassuring him. He tightens his grip on my hair and pulls me in for a kiss. His other hand trails down my spine lightly as my hands move down his chest. He flips me so that he is now on top of me and I am on the bottom. He takes my wrists above my head and holds them together with one hand, whilst his other hand removes my shorts. He stops kissing me and smiles seductively at me. He then kisses my neck, breast, stomach then thighs. He looks up at me with every kiss, and bites my thigh making me squirm. He kisses my thong and pauses. “Please.” I moan. He then removes my thong and his tongue spells the alphabet on my c**t. I moan louder and louder as he continues. He kisses me gently as he enters me. “Harder” I plead. He thrusts harder and harder making me hit my head on the arm of the couch each time. “I love you.” He moans whilst he f***s me. As I climax, I let out an ‘I love you too’ and finish. “Best part about arguing is the makeup sex.” Andrew laughs. I roll my eyes and get up from the couch in pain from being fucked too hard and I go to make dinner. Andrew offers to help and I agree happily. “I didn’t mean it about the modeling thing Lily. I mean, I of course want to see you go far with it, but at the same time, I’m scared to lose you.” “It’s okay Andrew. I don’t know if anything is really going to come out of it.” “Babe, no. Please don’t lose your confidence because of something I said. You can go far with it, look at you, you’re beautiful, and who wouldn’t want to photograph you?” I giggle and I feel my cheeks become rosy red. “I got an apartment. I know I told you the other day, but I don’t know if you were actually listening.” “Where is it?” “Downtown.” We sit at the dining room table as we discuss my move and how excited we both are for my fresh start. We eat garden salad with chicken breast and drink wine. “To us.” He toasts “To us.” I repeat. We tap our glasses together then take a sip. “Are you going to help me move out on the 3rd? There isn’t much to do, but rather unpacking is more of the issue.” “I can’t Lil; I promised Elizabeth that I would bring her to her doctor’s appointment. It’s pretty far and she has no way of getting there.” I take a large sip of the white wine and say “okay” I smile so he knows that I am fine with it, although subconsciously, I am not. “Are you sleeping over tonight?” I ask in a small voice. Andrew nods his head suggesting he wants to and we proceed with finishing our dinner. We’re sitting on the couch, both silent with the television off when I finally begin laughing hysterically. “We’re like an old married couple!” I blurt out. “What?” “We argue like one, but we love each other like one, and now look at us, we’re sitting here in the dark - quiet.” Andrew chuckles. “I’m going to invite Steven and Sam over if that’s okay with you.” “Your house, your rules.” Andrew smiles. After much arguing over the past couple of weeks, I believe that we are both beginning to mature with one another and understand our faults, and what we need to change or work on. I call Samantha knowing she’s with Steven and invite them over. We all sit in my hot tub smoking joints and listening to music. Samantha and Steven are cuddled together, and I am sitting on Andrews lap. “I’m going to miss my backyard more than anything else in this house.” “Dude, you have a cinema room, and you’re going to miss a backyard?” I laugh at Steven’s words. “It’s so perfect back here. Hot tub, pool, garden…especially the garden. I don’t have one at my new apartment.” “You better have a house warming party the night you move in eh?” “I would but it would only be you two.” I point to Steven and Samantha. “Why not Andrew?” Steven asks curiously. Andrew answers quickly. “I have to drive Elizabeth to an appointment.” Samantha’s eyes widen but she remains silent. “I’ll have one when I’m done unpacking.” ----------------------------------------------------- Samantha and Steven lie intertwined sound asleep in the spare bedroom of my house. Andrew and I walk into my bedroom. “Wow, you really packed everything you could.” Andrew points out the obvious. I nod my head and lie on my bed. Andrew joins and pulls me close to him, making me feel secure again. “You are the only girl I’ve loved this hard Lily.” Andrew confesses. “You are the only boy I have ever loved.” I reply. “How have you never fallen in love before Lily? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s great that I’m your first love, but, you’re 18 and have had boyfriends before.” Andrews tone is more curious rather than snide. “I never wanted anyone as much as they wanted me. I don’t know - I’ve never seen a pure form of love. Only damaged love, and all the guys I was with had only seen that too I suppose. I never went after someone who I knew would fall in love with me or vice versa. I was comfortable being numb.” Andrew kisses my forehead. “Goodnight, I love you.” He says as he closes his eyes. I repeat his words and place my head on his chest. I’m awoken by Andrews’s heavy breathing. He is hyperventilating almost and in tears. “What’s wrong?” I am beyond concerned and unsure as to what has happened. “Nightmare, no biggy, sorry.” He attempts to catch his breath. “Yes it is! You have them all the time, what are they about? Why do you have them?” “I don’t know.” He kisses me gently and I place my hand on his chest where his heart it - I feel his heartbeat decrease. He pulls me towards him so that we are lying intertwined again and he falls back asleep. I lie silently in the bed with Andrew wondering what his constant nightmares are about. He never does want to discuss them, but they must be horrid if they’re waking him up and bringing him to tears. Seeing him hurt, made me feel hurt. Seeing such a strong man, so weak and vulnerable because of a bad dream makes my stomach churn. I Google reasons behind nightmares and don’t come up with any conclusions. I decide to finally allow myself to fall asleep and think about his bad dreams the following day. Grown up “That’s the last box.” I say relieved as I place the heavy box on the dark finish wooden floor. “Welcome home!” Samantha squeals. My mother enters my new apartment. “Everything is removed from the truck.” My mother says calmly with no emotion. Samantha opens a bottle of champagne and pours three glasses. We drink a glass then begin to unpack boxes, one by one and placing everything neatly. We are all wearing yoga pants and baggy t-shirts with our hair in a mess. There is music playing on my docking station and we are all humming along. When everything is unpacked, Samantha leaves, giving my mother and me time to ourselves. My mother stares at me whilst I choose a different song on my phone. “Are you sure this is something you want to do? I can always fix this and you can come back home.” “Mom, dad and I haven’t seen eye to eye in years, not since grade six, and you and I are better with distance.” She closes her eyes and presses her thumbs to her temples. I walk up to her and give her a bear hug. “I love you mom, but we all need this, besides, aren’t you and dad tired of living up north?” She laughs but you can see sadness and pain in her eyes. “I am.” She admits, and I am aware she leaves my father out of that sentence. My father has always been one to party, and up north is the best place to be. He is not known around town, he isn’t a lawyer down there, but rather just someone who has a secret life elsewhere. “Keep your key.” My mother says as she pushes my hand away from her. “If you ever need anything, whether it is an item, or just company, you can keep your key. Our door is always open.” I hug my mother and whisper ‘thank you’ in her ear. She kisses my cheek and departs from my house. I sit on my new black leather couch with my feet up on the coffee table with the bottle of champagne. “Mine.” I whisper. There is a knock on my door almost moments after I sit down. I look through the peep hole and it is a man I have never seen before. My heart begins racing because it is my first night completely alone in my apartment. I speak from behind my door. “Hello?” “I’m your neighbour, literally right in front of your house. Wanted to say hello.” The man standing in front of the door speaks with a heavy Italian accent, and he appears to be an older gentleman. I open the door slowly and smile at him. “Thanks.” We speak for a few minutes and I invite him inside to speak more. He enters my house then sits on my couch. We discuss what type of a building this is, and turns out it’s one where a lot of parties go on, and apparently, everyone knows everyone. I sense a sort of comfort in knowing that the apartment complex is a type of community. “I never got your name I’m sorry.” I blush as I say these words. “Giovanni and yours?” “Lily. Would you like some champagne?” He nods and we continue to discuss the apartment. He speaks briefly about himself and how long he has lived in Canada for, and in this building in particular. He has a two year old daughter who he sees once every two weeks and an ex-wife who he claims wants to make his life a living hell. I speak about myself briefly just claiming that I am not in school presently, jobless and moved here for a new beginning. We finish the bottle of champagne then he leaves. I am alone in my apartment at last. I call Andrew because I haven’t spoken to him all day. “Hey Lily.” “Hey! I just wanted to call to let you know I am officially moved in, and it’s my first night alone.” “How is it?” “I have a nice neighbour and apparently our apartment building is apparently a community,” I chuckle “how was the doctors?” “Long, I sat in the waiting room with Elizabeth for an hour then waited alone for three.” “Oh, what time did she finish her appointment at?” “4:30pm.” “Oh.” I say quietly. “What’s wrong?” “Oh, uh, nothing, just that I thought it was a longer appointment…” I trail off. “I’m sorry for not coming over Lily.” “It’s okay,” I lie. “I drove her home, and I was going to come see you, but she invited me in for coffee so I felt bad.” I lie on my couch and close my eyes. “It’s okay Andrew. I’ll see you tomorrow?” “Oh, we have plans? I was going to go catch Gone Girl with Elizabeth, but I can cancel.” “Well, Samantha and Steven are coming over for drinks later that night, so I figured you and I could spend some alone time before they came.” “Yeah, I’ll be there by noon. Goodnight babe, I love you.” “I love you too.” I flip through channels whilst I am in a daze. What did he do at Elizabeth’s? Does she know him and I are dating? I text my drug dealer asking him to bring me an ounce of weed - he responds back immediately and is on his way. Whilst I wait for him I enter my bathroom and splash water on my rosy warm cheeks. I look in the mirror at my blood shot eyes and wipe my smudged mascara. The doorbell buzzes loudly. I jump, not being accustomed to the different and much louder doorbell. “Hello?” “Lily, it’s Max.” Bzzz. Moments later there is a knock at my door. He enters, puts the weed on my small wooden kitchen table and I give him his money. He then departs and I am alone once again. I smoke a joint then I enter my bed. I lie staring up at the dark ceiling with racing thoughts. I can’t get her name out of my head and the way Andrew said it. It’s almost as if every time he said her name he had a grin on his face. It is the first night in my apartment, I am completely alone in a bed much larger than the one I had at my parents’ house. I toss and turn for three hours before I get out of bed. I roll a joint and sit on a pillow by my window. I look at the beautiful view - I never knew 4am could be so beautiful. The water looks so calm and peaceful and the buildings are tall and dark. I no longer feel lonely although I am alone. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in the morning on my floor in a blanket cocoon. My doorbell rings three times before I answer it. As I walk to it, I peer at my clock - 12:08 - “Hello?” “Hey babe.” I let Andrew in and run to my bathroom to brush my teeth. He knocks on my door and I run whilst putting my hair in a loose ponytail. I open the door and Andrew stands wearing sweatpants and a large white t-shirt. In his hands, he holds a bouquet of red roses. “These are for you. I didn’t know if you were bringing your plant collection here.” He laughs. “I did actually bring some plants from my garden for your information.” I smile and take the roses. I kiss him softly and quickly. “That’s a nice vase.” Andrew says as I place the roses on the nightstand in my bedroom. “It’s a pretty big place, and nice. Not to mention the amazing view! I imagine that’s why you bought it?” I smile largely and nod. “I figured as much.” Andrew and I both stand two feet away from one another staring outside of my window. He then grabs my waist and kisses me. “I’m sorry for not coming over yesterday Lily.” He kisses me again, but this time it is filled with passion and desire - almost as if he needs to kiss me. “It’s okay.” “No it isn’t. I am sorry.” I giggle and kiss him attempting to reassure him that things are fine. A majority of our day is spent sitting on my balcony. Andrew sits shirtless with Raybans on attempting to tan in the 30 degree weather. I sit in a baggy tank top and spandex shorts reading the remainder of It. We smoke several joints and drink several beers with very little conversation. Eventually Andrew speaks. “So, how was your first night alone, and the move?” “Not bad actually. My mom hired around 10 people to move my things, so the only thing that my mom, Samantha and I had to do was unpack. My mom let me keep a key, and I have to go over once every two weeks. I also have a pretty cool neighbour.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah, his name is Giovanni, he has a daughter - he’s the one who told me that everyone in this building is super nice.” “Did he try hitting on you?” “Oh my god! No! Gosh Andrew, do you always have to assume the worst? He was just being nice!” “You’re drunk Lily and you’re getting defensive.” “No I’m not! He came over to say hello, then we spoke for a bit about the apartment, apparently a lot of people have parties and whatnot.” “Mhm.” Andrew stands then enters the apartment, I follow. “We should probably start getting ready before Sam and Steven comes over.” I say in a lively tone. “Yeah.” Andrew replies coldly and enters my bedroom; I follow him and close the door once he enters. I close behind me and stand in front of it. I begin slowly undressing as he turns around to face me. He stands silently watching my hands remove more and more. He licks his lips and smiles seductively. I get a stinging sensation in my stomach - I am in my black lace bra and matching thong standing in front of him. I slowly move the right bra strap from my shoulder, followed by the left. I look down and see that Andrew has an erection. I slowly remove my bra leaving me just in a thong. Andrew goes to take a step, “No = no touching yet. Just watch.” I say smoothly and I bite my bottom lip. Andrew opens his mouth then smiles. He remains standing in the same spot. I trail my fingers along my breasts and grab the left one. I inhale deeply whilst looking into Andrews eyes. “Baby I want you.” Andrew confesses. “Not yet.” I reply and continue to trail my fingers down my body until I reach my thong. I turn in place so he sees my a*s as I slowly remove my thong. He walks to me and grabs me from behind. I feel his erection through his sweatpants as he pulls me closer and bites my neck. I moan loudly. I pull his pants down and he takes them off immediately. He then removes his shirt quickly and pushes me on the door. He enters me from behind as I moan his name. He thrusts harder and harder - one hand is grabbing my breast and the other is playing with my c**t. “Oh my god Lily!” He moans as I feel him finish inside of me. He kisses my neck and let’s go of his grip on me. I turn around with a large smile on my face. “What?” He smiles back at me whilst he puts on his sweatpants again. “That was hot.” I laugh picking up my clothes. He laughs and lies on my bed shirtless. “Babe! Get ready; Sam and Steven are going to be here any moment!” “This is what I’m wearing! Sam’s seen me shirtless before, all is good.” I laugh. I put on shorts and a t-shirt and lay in the bed with Andrew. ----------------------------------------------------- We are all on the couch laughing whilst we drink vodka and Redbull. We are all stoned and drunk having a great time. “You guys are crashing here tonight!” I exclaim. “For sureeeee” Samantha slurs. We decide to play beer pong, girls against boys. “You suck Sam!” I scream as she misses another cup. “I know!” She laughs as she stumbles into me. Once the game is finished, we sit on the couch until Samantha falls asleep. “Goodnight, I’ll bring you guys a blanket.” Steven nods and smiles. “Thank you.” He whispers when I return. I close all of the lights and check to see if my front door is locked. Andrew and I lay in bed, cuddled whilst smoking a joint. We are both drunk and wide awake. My alarm clock reads 2:39am - still early. I sit up and face Andrew. “Babe, what are your nightmares about?” “It doesn’t matter” he says silently. “It matters to me. You always know when something’s wrong with me. I just want to be your best friend you know, like someone you tell everything to.” “I can’t tell you this. You’ll never look at me the same way again.” I am saddened by his words and I suddenly feel perfectly sober and aware as well as in control of my emotions. I hold back the tears and kiss his lips, then cheeks, forehead, nose and chin " I kiss him everywhere until he smiles and kisses me back. “Please baby, let me in.” I sit on his lap and look in to his eyes. He looks up at me and gives me the saddest smile I had ever seen. His eyes fill up with tears but not one falls when he speaks. “I have nightmares about my dad.” “About what?” “I was in the car. I was there.” “What?” I shake my head, trying to understand how Andrew was there. “He picked me up from hockey practice and was drunk. I shouldn’t have let him drive home but I didn’t know! I just-“Andrew begins to sob hysterically “I knew he drank, but I didn’t think he’d pick me up drunk on a Wednesday night!” I wrap my arms as tightly as I possibly could around Andrew whilst I let him cry on me. He finishes crying an hour later. I remain seated on his lap silent. His eyes are red and swollen, I notice as he stares into my dark and sunken eyes. “I love you Andrew, and it wasn’t your fault. You were only thirteen, you couldn’t have known!” “I guess. I don’t know some days I feel like it wasn’t my fault, but then whenever I have a nightmare; it reminds me that it was.” I shake my head and hug him again. He pulls me in closer and inhales deeply. “Let’s go to bed okay?” He says softly. We lay together with my head on his chest - I look up at him and kiss him, he kisses back and puts his hand in my hair. We kiss for several minutes then we lay back down and he falls asleep almost immediately. I lay silently thinking about the guilt Andrew must feel and I am overcome by a sea of sadness. For all of these years Andrew is faced with guilt and often times has vivid nightmares. Here I am, with problems much more minor than his, trying to kill myself. I ponder more and more only to draw the conclusion that Andrew is the strongest person I have ever met. I admire his strength and courage. I begin to cry softly and realize that we both have troubled pasts and need one another to remain strong. I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat - it is by far my favourite song. I lie listening to is quickened heartbeat counting every rhythmic beat and slowly begin falling asleep once I reach 107. We awake in the morning with the sun beaming on our face and a bird tapping its beak on my window. Andrew remains still with his eyes barely open and he has a tired grin. “Morning” I smile and walk to the window. I look at the wonderful view and feel so grateful to be where I am. Who would’ve thought that I would have made it thus far? Two months and I’ll be 20 years old - living in my own beautiful apartment with a man who is as wonderful as they come. I turn around and smile widely at Andrew. “Someone’s in a good mood?” He says as he sits up and puts on his sweatpants. I nod and put shorts and a t-shirt on. Samantha and Steven are lying on the couch; Steven is still asleep whilst Samantha is on her cellphone. She looks up from her phone when she hears Andrew and I enter my living room. “Want me to cook eggs?” Samantha says as she softly moves Steven off of her. I nod my head and yawn. “Wait, you’re letting Sam cook breakfast?” Andrew asks then chuckles. Samantha has had previous experience with being an awful chef; however she makes the best breakfast sandwiches in the world. “Excuse me you little s**t.” Samantha says as she stands from the couch waking Steven up. “Morning everyone.” Steven’s voice is low, raspy and confused. “Sam’s cooking.” Andrew blurts out and suddenly Steven seems wide awake. “No.” I begin to burst out in laughter. “Guys, before I knew how to cook, I lived off of Sam’s breakfast sandwiches!” ----------------------------------------------------- When Samantha and Steven leave, Andrew and I lie in bed for a majority of the day trying to kill the hangover from the night before. I trace my fingers along his forearm gently whilst he plays with my hair with one hand and is on his phone with the other. “I have to work tonight, so not down!” “You can come sleepover tonight if you want afterwards; it’s closer than your house I think.” I say hoping that he will spend the night again. Andrew nods his head then gently moves my face to his to kiss me. I hear a knock on my door and am a tad shocked considering I hadn’t buzzed anyone in. “I’ll go see who it is.” I say then get out of bed. Standing in front of my door is Giovanni with what appears to be a loaf cake. “It’s my neighbour” I shout from the doorway to Andrew, I then hear him get out of bed. I open the door and Giovanni is all smiles. “Ciao Bella, I brought this for you - I wasn’t sure if you had anything in your house besides champagne, and I was at my mom’s yesterday.” I thank him and tell him to enter my house. Andrew is standing right outside of my bedroom door with a firm grin on his face and his arms crossed. “Giovanni, this is Andrew - Andrew, this is Giovanni - he’s the one who lives right across from me.” Giovanni walks towards Andrew and extends his hand for a handshake. “Hello.” Andrew says politely and Giovanni replies in a chipper tone. “I heard a lot about you! Well in one night, but it seemed like a lot! You are a lucky man to have such a brilliant girl!” Andrew grins and thanks him. I offer both of them a piece of cake; Giovanni denies the offer and claims he must go home. “So that’s your neighbour?” “Yeah,” I say as I take another mouthful of the delicious cake. “This is so good.” My mouth is full as I say this and Andrew begins laughing hysterically. “You are such a mess oh my god!” He clutches his stomach from laughing so much and I wipe my mouth with a napkin. “I know.” I smile again and laugh with him. “He seems nice, like a father figure type of nice, not an old creepy guy type of way.” “Told you so.” I snicker. I enter my bedroom after my piece of cake is finished and put on yoga shorts, a baggy t-shirt and my Nike Pros. “Let’s go for a run.” I say as I tie my hair in a tight ponytail. “I don’t think that was a question.” Andrew says as he stands from the chair. “Come on lazy!” Andrew runs towards me and picks me up quickly and carries me to the bedroom. He throws me on the bed and jumps on top of me, he begins kissing me all over my face then my chest. “Let’s go!!! Run!” I shout and laugh as he tickles and kisses my body. I attempt to squirm away but fail to do so. “We can work out another way.” He says and smiles. I shake my head although I wouldn’t mind spending every second of every day with Andrew in bed together making love. ----------------------------------------------------- We stop at the rocks by the St Lawrence River to catch our breath. “Oh my, I haven’t gone for a run in ages!” Andrew admits barely being able to get the words out of his mouth. “Ha-ha, yeah " I don’t think smoking really helps us eh?” I say as I giggle at Andrew. “You smoke more weed than me, and cigs " but you still have more endurance! How?!” Andrew raises his voice and smiles. “Because I run a lot.” My phone begins to ring however I ignore it and let it go to voicemail. Andrew decides that we should walk back to the apartment rather than jog, I agree. We walk hand in hand, talking about Samantha and Steven. “You know, they’re cuter than us and they aren’t even together.” Andrew laughs after I say this. “I know, but I guess they’re just happy with what they have and don’t need change.” When we arrive back at my house, Andrew gets in the shower and I check my voicemail. “Hello Lily, this is Sophia, I am calling to set up a photo-shoot with you tomorrow morning at 8am. Please call me back as soon as you get this to confirm. Thank you.” I squeal from excitement and barge in to the bathroom. “BABE!” Andrew jumps and shouts which causes me to laugh. “I have a photo-shoot tomorrow morning!” “Congrats babe! Proud of you, just never ever do that again oh my god! You scared the crap out of me!” I continue to laugh as I sit on the toilet seat. “What are you doing out there? Get in here.” Andrew says seductively. I smile and begin taking off my clothes. He watches me as the water pours on his body and the bathroom steams up. I enter and he immediately pushes me against the wall kissing my neck and biting it. He then kisses my lips as hard as he possibly could and slides his two fingers inside of me. “Oh.” I moan loudly and smile at him. He bites my bottom lip and turns me around so that my stomach is pressed to the wall. He grabs my a*s and then his large hard dick enters my body. He begins slowly, and with each thrust he quickens himself. “Oh…my…god…Andrew!” He releases himself from me and we kiss one another then begin giggling. “I love you.” “I love you too baby.” ----------------------------------------------------- I sit on my bed watching Andrew get dressed smiling whilst watching his clothes hang off of his damp body. “Stop looking at me like that!” He laughs then continues “It’s getting me hot and bothered but I have to go, I’m going to be late for work!” He kisses me quickly on my forehead then grabs my face and kisses my mouth hard. “Goodbye, I love you, I’ll see you later!” He is then out of my apartment. I exit my bed and clean quickly and when I am finished, I sit on my couch watching television. I get bored after one 30 minute show and pace around my house. I then make myself a large lunch consisting of a caeser salad, baked chicken, some cold vegetables and a small bowl of rice. When I am finished, I leave my apartment and knock on Giovanni’s door. “Ciao Bella!” He answers the door in a white wife beater and black dress pants. I notice that he is a little on the pudgy side and is rather hairy. “Hey, I just wanted to ask what’s around the area. I’m sort of bored and well, I want to go out drinking, but no idea where to go. I usually go to the other end of downtown.” “Si! Come in!” I enter his house - it is all old furniture but the type that at one point was very expensive. He gestures for me to sit down and he goes in to his bedroom. I peer at the pictures on his wall; they’re all of the same little girl who I assume is his daughter. He re-enters the living room and smiles at me. “Isn’t she beautiful?” “Oh she is!” He smiles and is now wearing a shirt over his wife beater. “I’m driving the people who live in 406 to a bar; I can drive you there too! We’re going soon.” “Uhm…” I begin to get anxiety due to the fact that I have never met this people nor know what the bar scene is. ----------------------------------------------------- I wear a pair of black skinny jeans, a white spaghetti strap tank top and red stilettos. I wear my hair straight down my back with a red clutch, along with red lipstick to match. Giovanni knocks on my door at 9:30pm with a girl and a boy around my age, or perhaps a couple of years older. “Hi.” I say shyly and wave slightly. “Ciao Bella! This is Cynthia and this is Jason.” We then speak on the elevator and throughout the whole car ride about ourselves. Cynthia is majoring in Arts in university and Jason is not enrolled in school, however he works at his dad’s office. The bar is small and filled with young adults all aged 18-25. There is indie music playing and girls are all dressed in small skirts or jeans, whilst the guys are wearing dress shirts. We sit at a table and I order a dry martini whilst Cynthia orders a Cosmo and Jason orders something called a “Slushy Guppy”. When our drinks arrive Jason’s is a large mason jar filled with blue slush. “There’s vodka, rum, blue slush and a shot of tequila in this.” I am amazed and after my dry martini I order the same thing. After several drinks, we are all dancing and have made friends with others who are dancing as well. I go outside to smoke and check my phone. I have a missed call from Andrew. S**t. I forgot he was supposed to come over after his shift at 1:30am. It is presently 1:30 and I’m not even sure how to walk home from the bar. I call him immediately in a panic. “Hey babe!” “I’m so sorry! I’m at a bar right now; can you pick me up from there on your way to my house? I met a nice couple who lives in my building.” “Yeah, no problem, I was actually calling to say I’d be a little late so I can be there by 2, where is it?” I am shocked at how calmly Andrew responds knowing that I am at a bar. I give him the address and agree to see him shortly. I go back in to the bar and have another drink. When Andrew arrives, it’s almost as if he is the only person in the bar, my eyes focus on him wearing black jeans and a white dress shirt. He looks breathtakingly good and I am so grateful to have him as my boyfriend. I am dancing with Cynthia and Jason when he sees me. He grabs my waist and kisses me in front of them before I have the chance to give introductions. “Hey babe! This is Cynthia and Jason!” He smiles and waves at them then tells me he is exhausted which I take as my cue to say goodbye to everyone. “I had a great time with you guys! I’ll see you around!” Andrew and I are in the car with the radio on lowly. “Did you have fun tonight?” “Yeah! I had a blast actually! They were so much fun! I tried a new drink and danced and it was just so great-” “That’s good.” Andrew cuts me off then grins. “Yeah! I hadn’t planned on going but I got bored and Giovanni was driving them so I tagged along.” Andrew nods and taps his fingers on the steering wheel. “Anywho how was work?” “It’s anyhow not anywho Lily; I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.” I roll my eyes and mimic Andrew. “It was good, it was busy but good.” “That’s good.” I reply. The rest of the car ride is silent until we arrive to my apartment. “Are you drunk Lil?” I nod and giggle. Andrew then exits the car and opens the passenger door. “Thanks babe.” I enter the apartment stumbling whilst Andrew holds one of my arms. “You look amazing Lily. I imagine you looked less like a hooker before you got drunk, but you still look great.” I laugh and roll my eyes once again. I throw myself on the couch and kick off my high heels. Andrew then sits on the couch and puts my legs on top of him. “I’m sleeping out here tonight.” I say closing my eyes. “You have a bed!” “I know! But come on, we’ve never slept on a couch together!” “Yeah, all the times I fall asleep when we watch movies together!” Andrew begins chuckling. “Yeah you fall asleep.” I laugh back and Andrew then lies down beside me. We remove our clothes whilst lying down and fall into a heavy slumber within minutes. I’m awoken by Andrews’s phone alarm at 6:43am. “Shut it up.” I moan keeping my eyes closed. Andrew is still sound asleep so I move his arm and legs off of my body and pick his phone up from under the couch. He has three missed calls from Elizabeth and two from his mother. I check the clock one more time before it registers in my mind that I have a photo-shoot at 8am. I put Andrews’s phone on the coffee table and run to the shower. I hear a knock on the bathroom door and then it opens. Andrew stands at the door completely naked with messy hair. “Can I join?” He says seductively. “Only if you’re actually going to shower. I have the photo-shoot soon so I have no time for sex.” Andrew begins laughing loudly. “Oh my god we ARE an old married couple!” He then opens my shower curtain and enters. I lather my hair with shampoo as he washes his body. We then switch places in the shower so that he is directly under water and I am not. We proceed to shower together without any sexual actions occurring. When we exit, I rush to get dressed and to dry my hair. “That was nice - us just showering.” Andrew nods as he takes a bite of a banana. “You’re not eating breakfast I’m guessing?” He looks me up and down; I shake my head and put on my flip flops. “I got to go, I love you, have a good day!” He kisses me and I am on my way. I sit on the bus anxious to get to the photo-shoot not really sure of what to expect. When I arrive to the office, I stand in the elevator trying to breathe slowly and hide my excitement. The studio is large and white, as white as the hospital I was admitted at. There are lights everywhere and a tall slender man with a beard. “Hello Lily, Sophia called you correct? I am your photographer for today.” He speaks slowly annunciating every single letter of each word. I nod and he guides me to the dressing room. There are three people inside; a hair stylist, a makeup artist and someone who will choose what I wear in each photograph. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful. I feel like I am worthy of all this time these people are putting on me and I feel worthy of feeling beautiful. I do not feel guilty nor as if I am lying to myself. I look in the mirror before I go to take my first photograph. My hair has half a can of hairspray in it, along with colourful makeup I would never usually wear, and clothes that should be on someone who is 50 pounds heavier than me, however I still look amazing. I cannot help but smile when I stare at the person looking back at me. I am at the photo-shoot for six hours until I am told I am finished. I leave with my hair in a bow bun, a pink and blue polka dotted dress and yellow lipstick with blue eye shadow - although I do look out of the ordinary, I feel confident getting on the bus. I receive many looks; however I receive three compliments on a 30 minute bus ride to my apartment. When I get inside, I take a picture of myself and send it to Andrew. He replies back instantly telling me I look wonderful and to look on my fridge. There is a note from Andrew saying “I love you Lily. I am going to be busy for the next two days with work and I am also going up north for the weekend with Elizabeth and her parents. I know you have to go home for dinner on Friday, and I will be there if I can but if not I’m sorry. I love you and I’ll come sleep over on Sunday night or Monday depending when I get back.” It is Tuesday evening and I am not going to see Andrew for almost a week - which of course to anyone is not a lot, however, Andrew and I are barely ever apart. I do not allow myself to get upset because I gave myself a little bit of a break when I was looking for somewhere to move, instead I text him telling him I love him and will miss him. My stomach remains at unease due to the fact that he will be away for the weekend with who he claims is just a good friend; however I do trust that he would never cheat on me. I make myself a quick dinner consisting of breaded chicken and rice. Once I am finished with my meal, I decide to take a walk in the city centre showing off my odd but lovely look. I get many stares whilst on my walk and I smile, accepting and embracing all of them - it’s the first time I admire the attention that I am receiving. I bump into Jason whilst on my walk who is on his way home from doing groceries. “Wow you look…different.” I giggle and I blush. We then walk back to the apartment together speaking about last night. “Cynthia really liked you! She wanted me to invite you over for dinner next week with your boyfriend.” I accept the offer as I exit the elevator. ----------------------------------------------------- I’m awoken up by my phone ringing - 3:22am on Friday morning. I answer the blocked number right away barely keeping my eyes open. “Hello?” “Lily, it’s Andrew. I’m sorry I’m calling so late I just needed to talk.” “What’s wrong babe?” “I had a nightmare, and I can’t fall back asleep. I just can’t get it out of my head and it’s like ever since I told you, my nightmares occur every single night.” I feel a wave of guilt come over me and I’m unsure as to whether or not Andrew it attempting to blame me for his nightmares being more persistent of if he’s just trying to vent. “Babe, it wasn’t your fault, and I know that the nightmares just won’t go away, but I think you should maybe speak to someone, like a therapist.” “I’m not a f*****g looney; I will not speak to a therapist Lily. Whatever, I’m fine, good night.” He hangs up the phone and I am left wide awake at 3:27am thinking that I am crazy. Everyone is aware of my therapist and Andrew, out of all people should know that I’m not per say crazy. I toss and turn in my bed until 6:39am and decide to sit by my window. I admire the view and try to get my mind to shut up but it seems impossible. I attempt to inhale and exhale as deeply as possibly, trying to focus on my breathing. When that doesn’t work, I do some yoga. After an hour of trying to make my mind at ease, I am stuck at my last resort - the bathroom. I walk into the dark and cold bathroom and turn on a light. I peer at myself in the mirror and see dark sunken in eyes and a face that I barely recognize. I grab the razor from my shower and take it apart, leaving three blades on my counter top. I line them up symmetrically then decide which blade I want to use. I choose the one closest to the mirror and press the blade to my skin seven times then watch as the crimson pours down my arm and then on to the floor. I immediately clean it and place a Kleenex on my wrist. I text my drug dealer for an ounce of weed and a gram of coke - the only thing that makes me feel better than Andrew and cutting is cocaine. He arrives at 8:11am and I offer to smoke a joint with him. We sit on opposite ends of the couch, not speaking - just smoking. When we are finished the joint, he leaves and I am then left alone again. I am beyond vulnerable and overly exhausted, not to mention emotional. I lie on my couch for a few minutes feeling a little tired until I think of Andrew again. I close my eyes and see his beautiful blue eyes squinting and his large wintery grin. Usually, I admire seeing him in my dreams, however, this time; I wish I could forget he existed for a few minutes. I snort a few lines and instantly feel better. I smile at my blank television and see myself in the reflection. Who have I become? Am I crazy? Thoughts race through my mind as my anxiety level increases drastically. I grab four pillows from my bed and my blanket and go outside on my balcony. I move the two chairs and make myself a fort/bed. I lie wrapped in covers admiring the beautiful view and feeling the morning cold kiss my cheeks and nose. I feel calmer. I close my eyes and begin to drift off.
Death She’s sitting beside me, with one leg on top of my thighs. She smiles as she plays with a strand of hair hanging from my cheek. She looks awfully beautiful in the sunlight. She is wearing the same black dress I first ever saw her in, with those beautiful black wings. I don’t ask her who she might be this time, but rather embrace her presence. I sit there admiring her just as much as she admires me. I go to touch her pale face but she flinches away. “You mustn’t touch because then it becomes real.” I am confused by her statement - isn’t this real? Or is she just a figment of my imagination. I close my eyes and open them again but when I open them, she is on top of me rather than beside me. She looks into my eyes as her hands wrap around my shoulders. “Are you an angel?” I ask bravely - she begins laughing softly and shakes her head. “Quite the opposite my dear.” “Are you death?” She smiles and suddenly I notice that her teeth are not pin straight like I had remembered, nor are they white, but rather a yellowish-brown. Her rosy cheeks are beginning to fade and her wings look rather broken than beautiful. She no longer looks like the beautiful woman I had seen all the times prior to this event. “Why are you always here?” I ask curious as to why she chose me. “I only come when your soul calls me. Notice how any time you have seen me was in a time of crisis? It’s your soul wanting it to end.” I awake with the warm September sun beaming on my face. I sit up from my fort/bed and look at the view of downtown from my balcony. I enter my apartment again and grab my sketch book. I go to the picture I once drew of death and rip it to shreds. I check the clock - 5:44pm. I have to be at my mother’s house in an hour. I quickly apply makeup and brush my hair. I look exhausted even with makeup painted on my face. I wear jeans and a t-shirt and am off to go eat dinner. I sit on the bus listening to music and drawing. I attempt to draw Death but this time, the way I saw her last - ugly. I finish my drawing before I need to get off the bus, therefore I don’t get to look at it well. I walk to the house feeling my anxiety build up. I haven’t seen my mother since the day I moved, and haven’t seen my father since we argued. The only way that the dinner could make me feel less anxious is if Andrew was there, and by the way that things went this morning, I highly doubt I’m seeing or speaking to him until he returns home on Sunday. As I approach the door to my parents’ house, I hear my heartbeat in my ears and feel it in my whole body. Before I get the chance to ring the doorbell, my mother opens the door wearing a red summer dress, beige wedges and her makeup and hair are done. My mother is a beautiful lady; however, she never puts much effort into her looks. “Honey, I’ve missed you!” I smile as my mother hugs me tightly. “Okay, I can’t breathe.” She then releases me from her embrace and we enter the house. “Where’s dad?” I ask when I notice he isn’t on our main floor - expecting him to be on one of the others, I am surprised by my mother’s response. “He’s up north; he had a rough week at work, so he went.” “When’s the last time he was at home with you?” “Oh well, I was away for a couple of days on business, so I’m not sure when he was home.” I hold back my sarcastic laughter at my mother’s naïve state. “What’s for dinner?” I ask hoping to change the subject. She gracefully walks into the kitchen and shows me the chicken stir-fry. We sit outside on the patio set and eat our meal silently until we begin to eat dessert. I tell my mother about my neighbours, and what it’s like living downtown rather than in a suburb. I begin speaking about the view I have constantly and find my enthusiasm decreases as I describe what it’s like to wake up to the view in the mornings. “What’s going on dear?” “Nothing, sorry I’m just tired. I had a rough night.” My mother then grabs my arms and looks at my wrists. I watch the wave of disappointment take over her face when she notices the fresh cuts sitting on my skin. She shakes her head then kisses them. “I thought you were doing better?” “Oh yeah, uhm, I don’t know, it just sort of happened. Andrew and I have been doing really well, and then last night, he said something that hurt. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I’m okay - it was just a slip.” “No it wasn’t. Andrew told me that you had another slip.” My body is overcome with betrayal and anger towards Andrew. Although he does care, telling my mother is the worst thing to do because she ultimately has the opportunity to admit me into the hospital again at any given point. “What happened with you and Andrew?” “He said therapy was for kooks when I suggested he went. I know he didn’t directly mean it, but it still stung considering he knows very well about me…” My mother kisses my forehead and she inhales deeply when she sits again. “My dear, you are young, and so is he. You’re going to argue a lot, and say things that hurt each other. Intentionally sometimes, and others, not so much, but that’s when the power of love comes in. You need to see through all of the bad, see through all of the harsh comments and words. You have to let your mind rest, and your heart come out to play. I’m sure you hurt Andrew plenty of times before with your words or actions unintentionally. The coke overdose- you killed him, and I know that wasn’t your intention, but that’s what happened, just like that comment. Clearly he was in a state of crisis, and besides, before you started going to therapy, you thought the same thing. I see a certain glow to you Lily. I’ve never seen you so genuinely happy and content with life. It’s like he’s the sun in your cloudy day.” “I told him I loved him a little while back and I meant it mom. I’m just terrified. I don’t want to end up like you and dad.” My mother, for the first time ever, does not defend her marriage with my father. “I’m proud of you for telling him that Lily, I know that must’ve been hard, I mean, I only got you to tell me that you loved me when you were 9 years old.” I giggle at the fact that I was just as cynical at 9 years old as I am now at 18. My mother and I wash the dishes and go for a swim in our pool. At around 9pm, I tell her I’m going to go home to finish up on housework. She drives me home, kisses me on the cheek goodbye and we plan on seeing each other the following week. “I miss you mom, I really do, but we’re better this way.” She nods her head and remains silent. She truly does understand our current situation. I approach the door to my apartment and see that there is a red rose lying on the doormat and a card attached to it. My first thought is that is Andrew. I smile whilst picking up the rose and read the card. ‘I heard you crying loudly early this morning. Thought this would help. Giovanni.’ I feel a wave of sadness over come my body. Although it was a wonderfully kind gesture of Giovanni, I had hoped it would be from my boyfriend. I knock on Giovanni’s door and he answers with his daughter in hands. “Ciao.” She says in a small voice. I wave and give her a wide toothy grin. “This is my life, my soul, my everything - Katrina. What can I help you with?” “Sorry for coming by whilst you’re with her, but uhm, I just wanted to thank you for the rose.” I wave it in the air as if he doesn’t know what it is. “No problem Bella. I just thought that you could use some cheering up.” I thank him again then enter my apartment. It is dark and cold inside and I feel a sort of empathy towards the bitterness of my apartment because that’s the way I’m feeling as well. I notice the cocaine on my coffee table and put it in my underwear drawer hidden. I had left my phone at home all day and when I check it, I’m not surprised with the lack of calls and texts. I check Andrews Facebook and notice he’s currently active. I roll my eyes and roll a joint. Whilst smoking, I make myself a bloody caeser then sit on my couch. I keep the television off and my blinds wide open so I can stare at the darkness outside. I can see the moon beautifully from where I am seated on my couch. Once my drink is finished, I make myself another one and enter my bedroom. I open the underwear drawer immediately without realizing my actions. I hold the bag of white powder in my hands. I contemplate doing it. I am in control. I could throw it down the toilet and watch as it all was washed down the drain, or I can do however much I want - either way I am in control. Or am I? I sit on my couch with a drink in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. The bag of cocaine sits on my coffee table again as I stare at it. When the cigarette is done, I immediately light a new one then decide to snort a few lines. I put the cigarette in the ashtray and make 4 symmetrical lines. Line after line I snort without taking time to breath. I lift my head quickly from the table, feel the rush go straight to my brain and take a large haul from my cigarette. For the first time, I begin to think about my parents’ marriage. My whole life, I knew that my parents were never truly happy. They stayed with one another for comfort, security and me. No one in their right mind would marry either of my parents due to their schedules. My whole life, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my parents kiss or even hug. I never knew what a happy family meant. Sure I knew what money was and how money was the cure to everything apparently, but I never received the love, nor witnessed the love I was supposed to as a child. Why does my mother stay when she could be alone? My parents are almost never around one another, even when up north - my father has his man cave on one floor and my mother has a floor to herself. The more I think about their relationship, the more I think about the memories I once put in a trunk and shipped off. My high feels gone, so in order to feel better, I snort a couple more lines and go back to the thoughts occurring in my mind. I think of the time I watched my father throw my mother down our staircase and my mother looked at me with tears and blood pouring down her face saying “it was an accident, daddy slipped.” I haven’t thought about that since I was nine trying to understand how daddy could have slipped if he wasn’t wearing socks. After that memory shoots through my brain, more memories begin to pop up, some I never even thought of other than in that moment. I think of the time that my mother and I were arguing and she got a black eye from my father for talking down to her child. Memories of my mother being abused surround my mind and I can’t fathom it so I smoke a joint and snort 2 large lines. The higher I get, the more my childhood comes back to me. I am sitting in the bathtub with the lukewarm water pouring inside. I am seven years old and my mother is gently rubbing the blood off my body as I scream because she’s hurting my wounds. She sobs as she presses against my skin. “I’m sorry sweetie.” She keeps repeating. In the moment, I don’t understand why she keeps apologizing. It was daddy’s fault because he’s the one who lost control ‘play fighting’. That’s what my mom used to say - every time my father hurt me, it was because he was just trying to play fight with me. “Mommy, why does he keep doing this?” I ask with the innocence long gone from my eyes. I hear footsteps towards my bathroom door and I squeal for help. The cloth that was used to wipe the blood off my body is being used as a cover to keep me from screaming. My father enters. I shout at the top of my lungs sitting on my couch. It felt too real. I felt as if I was in that bathtub again. My whole life has been repressing memories from the abuse my mother and I suffered and for the longest time, I suppose I forgot. I never realized how bad I truly did have it, and how bad my mother had it until now. Whilst it was happening, I had grown accustomed to it by the age of six, and understood what was happening by the age of nine. By the age of thirteen I knew that it was all wrong, that everything I had grown up on was wrong. When it was happening in the moment, I always thought I deserved it, that I did something to make daddy lose control when play fighting, or how mommy was so clumsy. At thirteen, I knew it was wrong, but I knew I could never tell anyone because my father was the best lawyer in town and could get himself out of anything, as well as, my mother would never leave him and risk losing her job. I pace around my apartment feeling extremely anxious - my nose begins bleeding as I’m doing so. I enter my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. It’s 1:22am and I look like I was dragged around town by my ankle. I had looked decent earlier this evening so why does thinking make me look and feel so gross? I apply pressure to my nose and sit on my toilet until it stops. Once it does, I re-enter my living room, making lines out of all the cocaine that remains. 6 long and fat lines sit symmetrical on my coffee table looking at me. I go to smoke another cigarette and notice I have none left. I begin sobbing uncontrollably and snort three out of six lines thinking it will make me feel better. There’s a stinging in my head and my nose bleeds again. I close my eyes for a second then say softly “where are you now death? Where are you?” I open my eyes again and notice my apartment is still empty and it is just as lonely as it was before. I watch the blood drip on my floor and I, being too high to clean it, count each drop that hits. 33, 34, 35 - I hear my cell phone ring on the couch chair arm. I barely reach the phone, and when I click answer, I turn speaker on. “Lily?” It’s Andrew’s voice and I begin to panic. This is as high as I have been since the night of my party. “Hm?” I say clearing my throat, attempting to speak without giving Andrew any clues that will lead to the conclusion that I am high off of something other than weed. “Did I wake you?” “Mhm.” “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just, we didn’t speak all day, and I just wanted to see how dinner was.” “It was really good. My dad wasn’t home, anywho, we’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight.” I hang up the phone without waiting for his response and feel no guilt whatsoever. I sit on my balcony in a t-shirt and a thong. I get goose bumps immediately but sit down on the cold ceramic chair rather than go inside and put on more clothes. When my toes and fingers begin to go numb, I re-enter my apartment and pour myself 250mL of straight vodka. I chug it down as quickly as possible feeling the burning in my throat. When I finish it, I hold back puking, and smoke a joint to rid the taste from my mouth. I stumble to the couch, almost falling on the floor rather than on my couch. “Oupsies.” I laugh speaking to no one. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake with a migraine worse than I have ever had before. The sun beams on my face and I feel blinded rather than grateful for the view this afternoon. I see the remainder of the cocaine on my coffee table and shake my head in disappointment. I enter my bathroom to get Advil and notice the dry blood from my nose until my chest. “You’re a mess.” I say to myself in the mirror. I wash my face with warm water, the way that my mom used to wash the blood from my body. I change clothes by putting on sweat pants and a hoodie. I clean my apartment quickly and decide to spend the remainder of my day watching Netflix on my couch. At 5:31pm, my stomach begins to rumble and I walk to my fridge to notice I have almost no food left. “Ugh!” I say as I close my fridge and search my cabinets for a meal of some sort. I slam the cabinets shut in frustration then snort the three lines that were sitting on my coffee table. I then decide to get dressed and go grocery shopping. At first, I am determined to do it all on my own, however, I quickly realize that I need a car to do this shopping. I knock on Giovanni’s door and he and his daughter answer. “Ciao Bella.” He says then she repeats him - I giggle. “I’m sorry to be bothering you whilst you’re with your daughter, but I was wondering if I could borrow your car; I need to do groceries.” He gestures for me to enter his house. Katrina sits on the couch and asks if I know any hand games. We play Miss Mary Mack until Giovanni returns from the other room with keys in hand. “Do you mind if we come with you? I realized I have to pick up a few things.” I nod and smile widely. In the car we listen to Italian music and Katrina sings along to every song. I have no idea what any of the lyrics mean, but they sound beautiful - truly a language of romance and love. When we arrive to the grocery store, Giovanni and I both take separate carts and shop together for the most part. An older woman in her 70’s I assume stops us whilst we are in the cereal aisle. “You guys make such a lovely family.” She then leaves without waiting for our response. Giovanni and I begin laughing hysterically whilst Katrina stares at us confused. We proceed with our shopping then whilst putting the groceries in the trunk of his car, Katrina asks if we could get frozen yogurt. Giovanni says yes, however it’s whether or not I want to go as well. I agree despite the fact that I know I will not eat due to the cocaine. We arrive back to our apartment building and part ways after I thank him countless times. I unpack all of the food from the bags and place them neatly in my fridge and cabinets. I call Samantha in hopes that she’ll want to come over. “Hey!” I hear a man’s laugh in the background when Samantha answers. “Hey, are you busy?” “Uhm, no, I’m with Steven, but we’re just watching a movie. What’s up?” “Oh, I was going to see if you wanted to do a girl’s night, but it’s okay, have a good time!” We hang up and I feel lonely. I cannot blame Samantha for being with the man she likes because I am the same way " constantly with Andrew…except for this weekend. I text Andrew to make sure he’s made it safe to wherever Elizabeth’s cabin is. “Hey babe, just wanted to check in, make sure you were okay!” Whilst waiting for a response I open my new pack of cigarettes. I flip the first one upside down in my pack because that’s the cigarette I smoke last and make a wish on. “Yup” is the response I receive from Andrew half an hour after I had sent that text. I reply telling him I love him and I get no response for the rest of the night. ----------------------------------------------------- I sit in my bathtub with the boiling hot water pouring out of the drain and onto my skin. I feel the burn and it’s comforting rather than painful. It’s 4:33pm and I have yet to receive any sort of communication with Andrew since last night when he answered yup. I feel uneasy about the situation given that I do not trust Elizabeth. What kind of a girl wants another girl’s boyfriend sleeping at her house? My music plays loudly, but not loud enough to drown my thoughts. Although I do trust Andrew with all of my being, I just can’t seem to comprehend why he’d want to go. I have a cabin up north, why not go with me? I sit in my bath for an hour until my phone rings. I hop out of my warm bath exposing my wet body to the cold. I run to find my phone - completely naked and dripping water in hopes that it’s Andrew - It isn’t. “Hey mom!” “Hey sweetie just wanted to see how things were.” “Good, great, I’m good mom; you don’t have to check up on me every day now that you think I’m falling.” “No I’m not…sort of. Okay, well, enjoy your evening okay?” We hang up and I go back into my bath. With each deep exhale, I feel my chest become heavier rather than lighter. Suddenly, I feel the urge to puke. I run out of my bath and to my toilet. I begin puking uncontrollably. I sob whilst puking because for the first time, I am alone and ill. Each time I have ever been sick; physically or mentally, although I constantly felt alone, I never was. However, this time, I am alone in my apartment hoping my boyfriend will stroll inside at any moment like he is supposed to. When I am finally finished vomiting, I pour myself a glass of Ginger ale and lie on my couch with the television on. I reflect on what could have made me so sick and all I conclude to is the cocaine. It’s happened before where I’ve over consumed and puked the following day. ----------------------------------------------------- At 9:30pm I call Andrew knowing he’s at home or on his way to my house. “Allo?” A girl’s voice says over the phone. I feel my rage build up as I bite my tongue. I then speak after breathing a couple of times. “Can I speak to Andrew?” “He’s driving right now; he’ll call you back in a bit if that’s okay. Who is this?” “Does he not have me saved as a f*****g contact? It clearly says who I am, stop being stupid.” I hang up the phone and begin to cry. Why is he still with her and why did she answer his phone? He has a Bluetooth on his phone so that he doesn’t have to answer it or have anyone else answer it whilst he’s driving. Why did she not know who I was? Or was she trying to hurt me intentionally? My mind these past few days has been a mess and a constant canvas for thoughts. My mind won’t shut up, even when I’m asleep, high or cutting myself. All of the things that once comforted me have now turned on me. I make myself a jack and coke then watch television whilst smoking a joint. I smoke joint after joint and whilst rolling each joint, I smoke a cigarette - accepting the fact that tomorrow my lungs will feel as if they are collapsing. I enter my bathroom and begin tearing at my skin. I begin with my thighs then my wrists. It is no one’s fault but my own for coping this way. People suffer worse things all the time and cope with it better than I do. Knowing this makes me feel worse, which causes me to self-harm more. I sit on my bathroom floor with my finished glass and a razor blade. I watch as the floor turns from a grey to crimson. I feel numb for the first time in a while and I enjoy the feeling. I never once did enjoy being numb to emotions, and I did everything to feel something, and now; here I am begging to feel numb, and feel accomplished for not feeling anymore. My phone rings at 1:36am with Andrew’s name on my screen. I ignore the call and remain seated on my bathroom floor. I have been here for hours and have not moved an inch " not for a cigarette, not for a joint or drink " nothing. He calls six times before giving up, leaving me only one voicemail telling me to call him back. I shut off my phone and stand from the cold ceramic floor. I peer down and notice all of the blood and I giggle because it looks like a crime scene. I clean the blood from the floor and wipe off the dry blood from my body. I glance at all of the cuts and notice that this is the worst and most I have cut myself since the first time I was admitted to the hospital. I put on a tank top and lie on my couch with a towel underneath me. I am cold, however, I know that if I put a blanket on my body, it will only sting and stick to the fresh cuts. I smoke a joint and drift off into a heavy slumber almost immediately when it’s finished. I’m sitting with Andrew in his bed. We’re both crying and I’m not sure why. He keeps apologizing and trying to hug me, but my arms keep pushing him away. My body is scar and cut free - I almost don’t recognize it. “I’m sorry Lily, I really am, and sleeping with her was a mistake.” I awake, jolting my body upwards - must’ve been a nightmare. I turn on my phone again and see that I have several texts from Andrew and it’s 5:32am. “Lily, please call me.” “What the f**k is going on. Where are you?” “Lily, call me when you get these.” “Are you asleep?” “I’m coming by around noon.” I feel betrayed by him, almost as if the dream was real. I text him back telling him I do not want him over. I then receive a phone call which surprises me due to the hour. “Lily, what the f**k is wrong with you? Why don’t you want me over?!” “I don’t want you over. I have plans, sorry, I’m sure you can find some, ask what’s-her-face.” I then hang up the phone and shut it off. I close my eyes, still feeling completely numb. My mind is quiet, almost as if it took a vacation. I feel my body become heavier on the couch and fall back asleep. I awake to a loud banging on my door. I run to the door immediately and check in the peephole to see who it is - Andrew. He continues banging as I run into my bedroom to find a sweater and pants to put on. I run to my coffee table making sure I threw away the baggy with the cocaine residue and ensure that there aren’t any bits of it on the table. I run back to my door and answer it, being completely out of breath. “Did I wake you?” Andrew says entering my apartment, almost pushing me inside. “Yeah. I told you I had plans, why are you here?” “Because I haven’t seen you in a while, you were pissed yesterday, you went to dinner with your mom on Friday, and I can keep on going as to why I want to see you.” I roll my eyes and sit on my couch. He sits on the opposite end instead of near me. “How was your weekend?” I ask coldly not really wanting a response, however I obviously receive one anyways, and not the one I wanted. “It was actually really great! We jet skied, kayaked, it was pretty cool! You’ve got to come one day!” Andrew says enthusiastically. “Yeah, why were you still there at 9:30?” “Oh, well we weren’t still up north. We got back at around 7 or so, and then went to see a movie.” I smile and hold back my anger. “Fun.” I say coldly and stand from the couch to get myself water. “I missed you.” Andrew says standing from the couch, walking towards me. “Yeah, sure sounded and looked that way.” “What do you mean?” “Oh, I don’t know, maybe a text would’ve demonstrated you missing me, even just saying that you got there safe would’ve demonstrated that!” I begin to raise my voice. “Sorry, we were jam-packed with activities at like every second.” I nod and smile, Andrew acknowledges my anger. He walks towards me and puts out his arm to grab my waist. I walk away and he grabs my arm. The sleeve of my shirt lifts half of a centimetre and he notices a red line. He lifts the rest of my sleeve and appears horrified. He grabs my other arm and does the same. “WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO LILY?! WHAT THE F**K HAPPENED?!” I no longer feel numb, no longer feel empty - I begin to cry and collapse on the floor. He sits down and pulls me to him so that I am cradled in a ball sitting on him. “Baby, I can’t watch you kill yourself. Oh Lily.” Andrew begins crying and I feel guilty and completely and utterly sad. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I say, barely being able to let the words escape from my mouth. He kisses my forehead and shakes his head repetitively. “No baby, seeing you hurt is what hurts me. Please, make a promise with me.” “I can’t just stop if that’s what you want.” I admit, feeling ashamed. “No, but I know you value promises and I think this one can work. Every time you want to cut yourself, I want you to grab a red marker and draw all over - wherever you want to hurt. I want you to press as hard as you can and add as much ink to your skin as you want. It’s going to look like blood, and you won’t feel so s****y afterwards babe.” “I can try.” I say, meaning every word. “Promise me.” “I promise.” He kisses my forehead again and we remain on the floor. At 2:30pm, we finally stand from the floor, both of us exhausted. We lie in my bed, my head on his chest, listening to his quick heartbeat and our legs intertwined. “I love you Andrew.” I say silently. “I love you too Lily.” He kisses my forehead, “I will always love you Lily, and I am sorry about this weekend, I guess I need to start prioritizing better.” I shake my head. “It’s okay. I’m going to sleep okay?” “Yeah.” I close my eyes and ponder about his apology. It seems sincere; however, I still don’t feel right about the situation. There’s something off about Elizabeth, and I just can’t seem to figure out what it is, and what she wants with Andrew. My eyelids begin to burn and grow heavy, so I close them feeling a sense of relief, almost as if keeping my eyes open was a job. Forever? I awake to a dark end empty bedroom. I roll over to my left side, and there is no sign of Andrew. I glance out of the windows and see the stars. What time is it? I look for my cell phone in the dark and finally find it - 9:30pm. S**t, I slept all day. I walk out of my bedroom and all of the lights are shut off, however there is a faint light coming from the kitchen. I enter and there are two long candle sticks on the table, with a bottle of champagne, my rose in a vase in the middle and two plates. I look up from the table and I see Andrew cooking. He turns away from the stove and notices me. “Oh you’re awake?” I nod. “I was going to come wake you for the surprise, but well, here it is.” He smiles and shrugs his shoulders. I run up to him and hug him tightly then kiss him. “Thank you baby.” We sit eating our dinner consisting of breaded chicken, rice and a garden salad. We finish the bottle of champagne quickly, as well as our meal. We don’t speak much whilst eating. “I made a dessert too!” Andrew says getting up from the kitchen chair. He clears the table then places two small dessert plates in front of me, and where he was seated. He sets up a fondue fountain and brings strawberries, bananas, cherries and grapes. “You went all out babe!” He smiles at me then sits down. We begin eating the fondue until Andrew notices that I have chocolate on my mouth. “Babe, come here.” Andrew kisses my lips and tugs at the bottom lip. “You had some chocolate.” He says gently. I smile and bat my eyelashes. He dips a cherry in chocolate and feeds it to me. I take it slowly from the stick and suck it in my mouth. I then bite my bottom lip after swallowing it. He then dips a strawberry in chocolate and feeds it to me with his hands. There is a remainder of chocolate on his index finger after I eat the strawberry - I insert his index finger in my mouth and suck on it. He inhales deeply looking at me in my eyes. I let go of his finger and he presses his lips on mine. He begins kissing me with great passion and my stomach begins to tingle - the way it had the first time Andrew had ever kissed me. Whilst kissing Andrew, so many emotions arise. I begin to think about how just a little over a month ago, I didn’t believe in love, how I never thought that I could ever love someone as much as they loved me. I begin kissing Andrew back more passionately, almost as if I need his mouth pressed against mine for oxygen. He picks me up from the kitchen chair and carries me to the bedroom whilst unhooking my bra. He throws me on the bed and quickly takes off his shirt and pants. I remove my bra, shirt and pants as well. We are left making out in our underwear. He trails his finger down my stomach until he reaches my thong. He moves my thong to the side and slides his fingers inside of me. I moan his name loudly. He then continues this rhythm until I plead “please.” He smiles at me and removes my thong and his boxers. He slides his erect dick inside of me slowly as I inhale sharply. I close my eyes and feel my eyes roll back slightly. He thrusts slowly making me want him more. My toes begin to curl, my head rises from the pillow and my eyes roll back. “I love you.” I moan as I cum. He thrusts hard and moans it back. We lie intertwined, naked underneath the covers in my bed. We lie giggling without saying a word. I am truly head over heels for Andrew. I never thought that love could be something so wonderful. I begin to ponder about all of the forms of love I have ever seen. How in sixth grade, I was told no one would ever love me the way that my rapist did. He looked at me in the eyes when he said that, and I, being a naïve sixth grader who had just lost the last bit of innocence, believed him. I attempt to brush that thought, and focus on the form of love I currently have. It’s true happiness and bliss. It’s like I am on a constant high with no downing. I can’t seem to get enough of Andrew and the feeling he brings me. For the longest time in my life, I have felt a sense of void in my body, and it appears that ever since Andrew has been in my life, this void is gone. I have never been so happy in my life where I feel like I want to cry. I feel a tear run down my cheek and drip on to Andrews’s bare chest. “Are you okay Lil?” I nod, wiping the tear from my cheek. “What’s wrong?” I laugh at how idiotic I am about to sound. “I’m just so happy Andrew. I’ve never felt this before. It’s like, every day I seem to fall more and more in love with you, which, each day, it feels like I couldn’t love you anymore than I do now. I’m still a little scared I guess. Love, it’s scary you know?” I ask rhetorically, and then continue. “I wake up, and think of you, I go to sleep, and think of you. I do something that I think you might enjoy, or know you’d hate, and I think of you.” Andrew kisses my forehead then speaks. “It’s like we are each other’s worlds. We complete one another. I am your world, and you are mine. That’s the way it should be Lily. It’s okay to be afraid, but your world will never fail you baby.” He kisses me. “Andrew, do not make me your world, but rather, make me your moon. You are your own sun; count on yourself to make each day bright, and I, being your moon, will always be there. You count on the moon as much as the sun right? Each night, you expect the moon, just like each day you expect the sun?” Andrew nods and kisses my lips gently. “Okay Lily, we are each other’s moons.” He laughs. “Good analogy babe.” I giggle and lie back on his chest. We awake the following morning by Andrews’s phone ringing. I answer it seeing that Andrew is still asleep and it’s Steven calling. “Hey, Andrew’s asleep right now.” “Oh hey Lily, yeah I actually called you first, but no answer. Anyway, uh, listen, Sam’s been sort of down lately, not eating much, I just think it would be good if you two got together or something.” “Yeah, I always seem to call when she’s with you.” I laugh. “Yeah, we’re pretty much always together now. I’ve been looking after her, making sure she eats.” I hang up the phone with Steven after making arrangements for Steven and Andrew to spend the day together, whilst Samantha and I go out for the day, followed by a party at Andrew’s house considering his mom is away for the week. Andrew wakes up to breakfast in bed- eggs, bacon, sausages and two pieces of toast. “Wow babe, thank you.” He says when I enter the room. “We’re having a party at your house tonight.” Andre begins laughing loudly. “I knew there was a reason you made me breakfast in bed!” He exclaims still laughing. “It’s for Sam!! Steven will explain when he gets here. I’m spending the day with her.” “Okay, no problem.” He smiles. I enter my bathroom and lock the door. I turn on my shower and sit on my toilet seat. I begin to think about Samantha and my level of concern rises. I enter my shower, hoping to feel a sense of relief. ----------------------------------------------------- Samantha and I sit, side my side getting a pedicure. “I’m so glad we’re having a girl’s day.” I admit to Samantha. “Me too.” She says softly. I notice her eyes are not as bright as usual, and neither is her personality. She is looking rather pale and tired today. When we leave the salon, before she turns on her car, I speak. “You look sick babe.” “Oh yeah, I’m not feeling well.” She puts on her sunglasses and looks at herself in the rear-view mirror. “Not that kind of sick.” “Steven! That f*****g a*****e!” She screams whilst hitting her steering wheel with her fists. “You can’t get mad at him! He was worried, he still is worried! Babe, you don’t look good. You always do, but as a best friend, I got to tell you, you aren’t looking great today.” “I just, I don’t know…I’ve been eating so much because summer is basically over, but I put on my bathing suit the other day and realized how fat I’ve gotten!” She begins to sob uncontrollably. I lean over to the driver’s seat and hold her tightly. “I’m sorry Lily.” “Shhhh. Let it out babe. You are my hero, and I just want to be yours.” She looks up at me and smiles. “You need to eat Samantha, and you need to keep it down. You’re beautiful - has Steven ever walked out of the room after seeing you naked?” Samantha looks at me confused then shakes her head. “Exactly - I’m sure if you were too fat, he would be appalled. But soon enough, he will walk out because he’ll be too afraid to break you, and sickened by all the bones.” I attempt to give her a sympathetic smile. “Thanks Lily. That’s one thing I’ll always love about you "you’ll tell me the truth no matter what.” She kisses my cheek, wipes her tears then turns on the car. We drive towards my house. We enter to an empty and very neat apartment. “Ou, they must’ve cleaned!” I say loudly with excitement. “Okay, so Andrew’s having a party tonight, so you’re wearing something from my closet because there is no time to go back to your place. Samantha puts on a pair of black leggings and a long white, baggy, Yves St Laurent t-shirt and I wear a red strapless maxi dress. We both curl our hair and apply red lipstick. Samantha hardly looks at the mirror and I feel sad. My whole friendship with Samantha, I had always wanted to look like her, including her body, and it saddens me, how someone so beautiful could hate their body so much. I then feel hypocritical for feeling this way towards the situation considering I have hated myself enough in the past to cut myself. I hug Samantha when we are finished applying our makeup. “What was that for? You almost never hug me for any reason.” “I love you Samantha and I just want to let you know, in all honesty, you’re the only person I truly look up to.” She kisses me cheek, leaving me a red lipstick mark. We drive to Andrew’s, smoking a joint, and listening to music loudly. We arrive and see there are already plenty of cars, and we hear the music from outside of his house. We enter the house filled with over 100 people. We walk to Andrew’s kitchen, looking for both Andrew and Steven. We enter the kitchen and I begin to make Samantha and I drinks. “Oh, no I’m not drinking. I’m driving.” “You’re sleeping here.” I giggle whilst continuing to pour the whiskey in the 2L iced tea bottle. “Oh, yeah, but no I still don’t want to drink.” I look at Samantha and am aware it’s because of the calories in the alcohol and mixers. “You’re drinking.” I say then grab her arm and head towards the backyard. We enter and see Andrew and Steven speaking with their lacrosse team whilst smoking and drinking beer. Andrew almost jumps out of his chair. “Babe!” He runs up to me and kisses me. His hands move from my waist to my butt. “You’re already drunk I can see.” I smile. “You’re already beautiful I can see.” I laugh at Andrew’s words due to the fact that they make minimal sense. He then passes me the blunt. We sit in a circle smoking, laughing and drinking until a tall, slender, blonde walks through the back door. Elizabeth. The whole teams stares at Elizabeth as she walks towards us, wearing black stilettos, black jeans and a white crop top with her hair in a side braid. With each step she takes, her breasts move, and I look at Andrew, noticing he’s staring as well. I roll my eyes. “Hey guys!” She says whilst waving. She walks to Andrew and I, and Andrew almost pushes me off his lap to stand to hug Elizabeth. “Hey there, thanks for coming!” Andrew says hugging her tightly with his hands just above the top of her jeans. I take a hit off the blunt and pull him away slightly. “Here.” I say passing the blunt to him, although I wasn’t necessarily finished with it; I just didn’t want him to continue to hug her. “You remember Lily.” He says blowing out the smoke. Whilst doing so, Elizabeth begins to inhale the smoke, moving closer towards Andrew. I move quickly from beside Andrew to in front of him. “Hi Elizabeth.” I say coldly. “Hi.” She says to me. “I’m going to go get another drink, want one BABE?” I emphasize the babe when speaking to Andrew. He shakes his head; however, Samantha stands from Steven’s lap, already drunk. “I do! I’m coming with youuuu.” She slurs her words and grabs my hand. We re-enter the backyard and I find Elizabeth sitting relatively close to Andrew, however, it appears as if he doesn’t notice. I give Andrew a beer and sit back on his lap. “Oh thanks babe! You didn’t have to get me one.” I kiss him and smile. After another hour of sitting outside, I begin to get cold so I tell Andrew I’m going to see who else is here. He nods his head and I stand. I roam around the house running into people I haven’t seen since my party. Many ask questions, however others don’t mention it. I find my drug dealer inside of the house and ask him for some blow. I pay him then call Samantha. “Bathroom " come now.” I hang up the phone and begin to make four lines on the countertop. Samantha enters and notices the white powder. “Ou, good job for sharing this time.” She laughs so hard that she almost spills her drink. “Do not tell Andrew.” “I know the rules…don’t tell Steven either.” We both nod then snort. We exit the bathroom high and drunk. Samantha says she’s going back outside, I, however walk into Andrew’s bedroom and lock the door. My mind is racing a mile a minute over thoughts that shouldn’t be there. I begin thinking about my mother and father, and Andrew’s parents. I begin to think about the way I feel towards Andrew again. I inhale deeply whilst closing my eyes. I exhale, feeling relief and head towards the backyard until Timothy stops me midway. “Hey Lil!” He says whilst slurring. “Hey, what are you doing here? You know this is Andrew’s house.” “I know, I know, but everyone was coming tonight, and I doubt he’ll even see me.” “You should probably leave before he does.” “Are you high? Do you have snow-white, can I have some?” I roll my eyes and push him aside. I re-enter the backyard and don’t see Andrew. Where could he be? I was just upstairs and in the hallway which passes his kitchen and living room. “Samantha, do you know where Andrew is?” “Yeah, looking for you with Elizabeth!” My mouth opens widely as I feel rage build up. Looking for me? Ha. Why would Elizabeth out of all people want to help Andrew? I roam around the house until I find Andrew and Elizabeth in his basement speaking. They’re sitting on the couch and Elizabeth’s knee is touching Andrews. “Hey guys!” I say walking down the last step. Andrew turns his head quickly and stands when he sees me. “We were just speaking.” Andrew says. He walks towards me and wraps his arms around my waist. “Need a drink babe?” He says with his eyes pointing towards my now empty glass. I nod and we walk up the stairs, leaving Elizabeth downstairs. “What were you two talking about?” “You mainly - she just thought you were being rude to her when you said hello, so I assured her that you were just drunk.” I laugh. “Oh, no, yeah, I was being rude to her actually.” I say then chug my drink. “Why?” He says rudely. “She wants you Andrew. Everyone knows it, and I’m sure you do too…looks like she’s made it clear.” I smile whilst pouring myself another drink. “You’ve been drinking a lot Lily, maybe you should slow down.” “I’m not drunk enough to deal with this.” “Deal with what?” “Knowing that there is a girl in this house who wants you and you can’t seem to see it. It’s concerning because you’ll realize it when it’s too late like after she kisses you. Whatever, I don’t want to talk about this, let’s go dance.” Andrew and I dance closely to one another laughing - almost as if we didn’t just have a conversation about Elizabeth. I feel happy again, genuinely happy. It’s almost as if Andrew and I are in our own little world. Just us two - where no one or anything can break us. I think about us dancing together on the night that we will say our vows to one another. I then begin to laugh loudly at the thought that just crossed my mind. I have never believed in marriage before - not once did I ever think you need to validate your love on a piece of paper, however, with Andrew; it appears that I want to let the world know just how lucky I am. I kiss Andrew and smile - laughing at myself and him because he’s clueless to this thought. I’ve been happy before, and I still am happy, however, this happiness is something I can’t describe. It’s like the feeling you get when you’re at the top of a rollercoaster about to go down and you’re waiting for it to happen " you let the anticipation build up and when going down, the feeling remains, however it’s just more apparent. That’s what this happiness feels like. Andrew is pulled by the arm by Steven. “What the f**k dude?” “Sorry man, but uh, gotta show you something.” Andrew pecks my lips quickly and walks away with Steven. I still feel completely happy, completely content with Andrew in the moment. I know tomorrow there will be things that need to be discussed, however, for right now, I don’t want to think about any negativity. Andrew jogs back up to me a few moments later. “Babe, you better get your f*****g ex-boyfriend out of my house right now before I do.” My eyes widen and I nod, feeling almost sober again. When Andrew is angry, he is scary. Although I don’t necessarily fear him, I know that he is capable of putting up a fight, and is more than capable and willing to fight Timothy. I roam the house with Andrew’s hand wrapped tightly around my forearm. Almost as if I am on a leash and he is dragging me. We enter his basement where there are a few people sitting on his couches, some dancing and Timothy speaking to one of Andrew’s lacrosse friends. “Go.” Andrew says letting go of my arm. I rub it whilst walking towards Timothy - it hurts a tad, which means it will hurt more tomorrow when I am sober. “Hey there lil mama.” Timothy says as I approach him. I shake my head slightly and he notices Andrew 5 feet away from me. “What’s up?” He lifts his hand to give me a high-five. “Andrew wants you to leave Tim.” “What the f**k, he couldn’t tell me himself? Little p***y boy.” He speaks at a low voice until he almost shouts the word p***y. Such an ugly word. Andrew almost runs up to Timothy and me with Steven trailing behind him. “What the f**k was that?!” Andrew shouts over the music and everyone in the basement goes silent. “Yeah, you heard me. You couldn’t be a big boy and tell me yourself to leave?” “Nah, I figured I’d have some respect and not deck you in your face.” “Respect?” Timothy chuckles in Andrews face and I notice Andrews arm twitches as if he’s about to raise it. I step in between them. “Timothy, please go. He had respect for me okay, that’s why. Just please, don’t make a scene.” “We were best friends Lily, and you ditched everyone for this-” Andrew swings his arm and I block his punch with my arm that was directed towards Timothy’s face. “OUCH!” I attempt to hold in the pain. “Out.” I repeat myself to Timothy. Andrew stands still staring at me with no emotion, but his eyes have gotten dark. Everyone is staring at us both until Steven tells everyone to “go back to their own thing.” Andrew extends his arm in attempt to comfort me; however, I pull myself away. “I just need air okay, don’t worry.” I smile and walk away holding my arm in pain. I am definitely going to have a bruise tomorrow morning. I walk outside and sit on Andrew’s front steps. I feel the cool September air hit my skin and it feels refreshing. I begin to process all of what just happened. I know that Andrew punching me was a mistake, and obviously my fault, but him almost dragging me to Timothy was not my fault. I look down at my arm and notice it red and a tad swollen. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a few deep breaths. What has tonight turned into? It’s almost as if Andrew and I are only happy when we are alone - in our little world. But with other people, we are toxic to one another. Perhaps it’s the alcohol creating this in my mind, however, there’s a feeling in my stomach I haven’t quite had before. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the situation. It’s almost as if we fix every argument with an I love you and makeup sex. It’s sad to say because nothing ever does get fixed. We put a Band-Aid on it, and whenever things are rough, the Band-Aid rips off - hard. We both don’t want to lose each other, but it appears as if we are not only the ones fixing one another, but also breaking one another. The front door opens and it’s Elizabeth. I roll my eyes, wipe my tears again and stare directly ahead of me. She sits beside me on the step. “Listen, I heard what just happened, and Andrew’s pretty upset. He’s angry at both you and Timothy, but he also feels guilty for punching you.” I nod my head. “I know you don’t like me, and you don’t have to. I wouldn’t like me either if I was in your position-” I cut her off “Why’s that? Why wouldn’t you like me if it was reversed roles?” I give her a sarcastic smile. “We both know why. But what I feel towards Andrew doesn’t change the fact that he is utterly in love with you. Trust me, I got to hear about it all weekend - just how great you were and how you made great pancakes and liked horror movies…” She begins to trail off and I see sadness in her eyes - I feel guilty and empathetic towards her for a few moments until I realize what she just said. “Why would Andrew be angry with me?” “Because you blocked the punch, so he thinks that you invited Timothy here, or that you still care for him. I don’t know.” I thank her and enter the house again. I search the house for Andrew and cannot find him. I notice more and more people are beginning to leave. I walk into his kitchen and check the time; 4:20am. I walk into the backyard and roll a joint. There a few people in the backyard smoking who I have never met before. “Happy 4/20 guys, wanna smoke this with me?” They all nod and form a circle around me. When the joint is done, I feel more relaxed and calm about tonight’s current events. I remain seated when everyone enters the house. Did Elizabeth really tell me she had feelings for my boyfriend? What the f**k? Who does that? I need to find Samantha; however, my legs feel numb. I am very inhibited, and have only realized so now. I search my clutch for my cellphone. I call Samantha and it goes to voicemail. I call Steven and he answers right away. “Is Sam still alive?” I say slurring my words. “Yeah, where you at? I’ll send her your way.” We hang up and moments later Samantha enters Andrew’s backyard. We stumble into Andrews’s bathroom and make two fat and long lines. “This is the last time I do this…coke.” Sam blurts out. I cover her mouth with my hand quickly. “Shhhhhh, don’t let them hear you.” “No I mean it though! I’m done with it! You should be too Lil.” I roll my eyes and snort the line. “I can snort this one too…” I smile at her and she takes the rolled up 5$ bill from my hand. We quickly wash off our smudged makeup and put our hair in ponytails. We exit the bathroom and notice there are minimal people left. “Think the party’s over?” “I thought it was over when Andrew stormed out…” “WHAT?” I almost shout completely confused. When did Andrew leave? “Yeah, he went for a walk or something right before I came to see you.” I bite my tongue. Samantha is very intoxicated right now, and she must’ve forgotten, she wouldn’t usually keep something like this from me. We walk around the house kicking everyone out. It takes 47 minutes for the house to be empty, leaving Samantha, Steven and I alone. We all put on sweats and sit outside in the backyard smoking and finishing the last case of beer. At around 6am Andrew opens the backyard door. His eyes are blood shot and he looks like he was hit by a train - figuratively. We all stare at him whilst he stares at us - remaining silent. Steven attempts to break the awkward silence by offering Andrew a beer followed by the blunt. He shakes his head at both offers then re-enters his house. “I should….I should probably…gooooo.” I try to stand from the lawn chair and almost collapse. My legs appear to be too weak to hold my body up. I laugh at myself whilst leaning on his railing. I walk into Andrew’s bedroom and see him sitting on his floor with his arms wrapped around his knees, in a ball like position. He looks up at me then looks away. “Get out, please Lily. I am not in the mood.” “So what, you’re going to just make me sleep on the couch because you are in a bad mood for being a dick?” “You’re wasted and no, you don’t have to sleep on the couch. You can sleep in my bed - I’m going into my parent’s bed.” He stands and leaves the bedroom shutting the door behind him. I refuse to go to bed with my mind clustered as per usual. I run my fingers through my hair and try to calm my anxiety. I walk into Andrew’s parents’ bedroom where he lays in the dark in the middle of the bed. “I said I wasn’t in the mood to talk to you okay?” “No, too bad. I always listen to you, do this, do that, don’t do this, don’t do that. I am not your puppy dog! For once you will listen to me and treat me like an equal!” I shout and am almost afraid by my tone of voice. I have never spoken back to Andrew like this before " let alone anyone really, besides my parents. Andrew too seems shocked by my response. He stands from the bed quickly. “What did you just say to me?” He inches closer, however I stand firmly in place. “You heard me. Now listen. I don’t know what Timothy was doing here okay? I really don’t. I stood in front of you because I didn’t want the cops called okay? There were minors here and I didn’t want him to end up in the hospital!” “Why the f**k would you care if he was in the hospital or not?” “Would you care if Elizabeth was in the hospital?” Don’t turn this around Lily, you know I would, but she’s just a friend; she and I don’t have a past like you and Timothy do.” “Timothy and I were able to look past our past months ago; months before you and I Andrew, and I left the friendship behind for you. No matter who that was, I would’ve stood between you two.” I notice that Andrew’s eyes have grown dark again and his face begins to redden/blush.
Broken love I lay on the floor with my hand covering my face, sobbing into the carpet of Andrew’s parents’ bedroom. It happened so quickly, almost as if my imagination had made it up. One minute I was speaking, and the next, bam, I saw his hand coming to my face, then next moment, I’m on the floor crying. It feels almost like a pixelated image. The bedroom is empty and I have no idea where Andrew went. He slammed the door shut when he walked out of the room, showing no remorse. I don’t bother getting up from the floor and I fall asleep with a stinging pain on my cheek and a throbbing pain on my arm from earlier that night. I awake in the late afternoon with my face in pain, as well as my arm. What happened last night? I sit up from Andrew’s parent’s floor and press my thumbs onto my temples. I have a huge migraine. Last night’s events begin to pop into my mind; however, I can’t seem to place all of the puzzle pieces together. I remember Andrew and I dancing, Timothy and Andrew arguing, me on the floor. I stand up and look in the mirror - my cheek is bruised and a tad swollen. It comes back to mind - Andrew hit me last night. I remember talking to Andrew about Timothy, then I remember him walking towards me, raising his hand then hitting me. I remember hitting the ground hard and lying there whilst Andrew left the bedroom. He left me alone, crying, in pain. Is this what love is? My whole life, I was shown that love was through violence, and I always told myself I’d never love a man who would hurt me the way my father hurt my mother and I; that I would never love a man who would ever want to hurt me. However, I do love Andrew, and I can’t picture my life without him. I can’t leave him, but I also don’t know if I can stay. My migraine worsens as time elapses whilst I sit on his parent’s bed attempting to figure out what I am going to do, and what Andrew will want to do. We were both very drunk last night, and perhaps he doesn’t even remember… maybe I did deserve it, maybe this was his way of showing me he loves me to his fullest capability. I exit the bedroom and walk around the house searching for Andrew. He isn’t in his bedroom, living room, basement, kitchen or bathrooms. I enter the backyard for a cigarette and find him with his head between his hands on his patio. I light the cigarette and approach him slowly. “Did Samantha and Steven already leave?” Andrew looks up and notices my bruised cheek immediately. “I am so sorry for yesterday Lily, I really am, I am just so scared to lose you all the time that it’s like I can’t seem to control it. I am so sorry; I promise it won’t happen again.” I feel tears swell up in my eyes, however I swallow them down. Is he telling the truth? Or will it happen until I leave? My initial question was how you can love someone so much that you put your hands on them, however, it appears that, that is the only way I know. The men in my life all seem to love me so much that they can’t control it. “Did Samantha and Steven leave?” I repeat my question, not wanting to speak about my face. He nods his head and begins crying. I sit beside him and wrap my arms around him. “It’s okay babe, it’s okay.” I repeat over and over again until his crying begins to fade. “You forgive me?” He says barely being able to let the words escape from his mouth. I don’t forgive him for what he did, however, the only way to drop this situation is to say that I do, therefore, I nod my head and force a smile on my face, despite the fact that all I want to do is cry. “I’m going to go home okay? I just need some space, a lot happened last night.” “But you said you forgave me.” Andrew says, looking as if he’s about to cry again. “I do, but other stuff happened. Okay, just don’t worry.” I kiss his cheek and leave his house. Whilst walking to the bus stop, he pulls up in his car. “Babe, let me drive you home at least, don’t be foolish.” I grin and enter his car. The drive to my apartment is awkward " we listen to loud music whilst both remaining silent. When we arrive in front of my apartment building, he goes in for a kiss; however, I turn my face so that he kisses my cheek. It hurts, but I don’t say a word about the pain. I enter my dark home and feel relieved to finally be alone. I enter my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I shake my head in disapproval and apply foundation to my cheek to see whether or not it will cover the bruising. After 3 coats of it, it hides a majority of the bruise. I call my drug dealer and ask for 4G of cocaine. He arrives whilst I’m smoking a blunt, so I offer to smoke him up. “What happened to your face?” I look at him confused. “It’s sort of bruised man, drunken accident?” I smile and nod, not sure whether or not he’s convinced. When he leaves, I begin to ponder. I call my mother in hopes that she can help me. When I reach her voice-mail, I hang up, realizing that my mother is still married to the man who abused her and her child for years, and that she won’t be much help in this situation. Perhaps it will be the last time that Andrew hits me, however, I’ve heard the line before; I love you so much that I couldn’t control it. That’s usually a sign that it won’t be the last time. The issue is, I always thought that when in love with someone, your safety comes first, and no matter how strong your love is for someone, your life is more important. But since falling in love, it’s almost as if I want to accept all of the negative because it comes with the positive. Last night when we were dancing, I felt infinite. The other day, I cried from being so happy, however, this morning, I was crying from being so hurt. My mind is currently a clustered mess and I am not quite sure how to clean it up. ----------------------------------------------------- 6 fat and long lines for myself. One to take away the pain, one to make me feel something, one to mend my heart, one to make me happy, one to make me think clearly, and most of all, one for Andrew. I snort them, one by one quickly, feeling a rush to my head immediately. I instantly feel high and feel emotionless again - the one thing I find comfort in. In a situation like such, being numb is key to surviving. If someone knows that they hurt you, then you demonstrate a weakness, and permit them to hurt you again, therefore, if you are numb to whatever the situation might be, they cannot do anything because they no longer feel empowered.
I sit on my couch staring blankly ahead of me. My mind is empty until I touch my cheek and feel a pain. It hurts me more emotionally rather than physically. I sigh loudly, and suddenly tears begin pouring out of my eyes. I do not feel sad or angry, therefore I am confused with the tears - however I do not attempt to stop them. I allow myself to cry until I need to catch my breath. I begin having an anxiety attack once the tears are gone, leaving me feeling hopeless. Why must I be so weak? For years I dealt with situations much larger than the current one I am in, and although I didn’t cope well, I coped a lot better than I am now. Maybe I could end this all, make everything better for everyone. Maybe if I am gone, I’ll be happier. It seems as if my happiness is only temporary, and constantly shattered by something large. As selfish as I might be, I don’t want to live anymore. I pour out the cocaine from the baggy and instead of making lines; I stick my nose right into the little pyramid that sits in front of me. I begin to feel the head rush I did at my party, and I feel liquid drip from my nose. I touch it and notice the crimson on my hand. I smile at the twisted situation and wipe my nose. I snort some more with my other nostril and I begin to realize how stupid I am being. My head begins to feel light and everything begins to become blurry. The throbbing in my head worsens and I grab my cellphone. I dial 911 crying, with blood dripping from my nose, a throbbing in my head. Is this the end? ----------------------------------------------------- I lie in the hospital bed with an IV attached to my right arm. This all feels far too familiar. The doctor said I will be permitted to leave in 48 hours, once my toxin levels decrease. Apparently if I would have snorted just a little bit more, I would have been dead. There’s a bittersweet feeling to knowing that. I lie here alone, pondering what I did, and how I feel. I still feel numb, and I also feel stupid. I wanted to die so badly, wanted to leave everyone and everything behind, all because I cannot deal with reality. I have decided not to tell anyone about this overdose considering how everyone reacted last time. I will not face any criminal charges for possession of cocaine, nor will I be admitted. I told them I found it at a party and I wanted to see what it was like. I never liked lying to people; however, doctors have always been another story. The room is empty and silent, but my thoughts are loud and heavy, like my eyelids. I close my eyes momentarily, but each time I close them, I see Andrew’s blue eyes. My lunch sits in front of me; the sight of the food makes me feel ill, and all I want to do is smoke a joint and snort a line or two. I lie in bed flipping through the TV channels aimlessly, whilst my mind wanders to Andrew. His soft hand, used in a way that wasn’t to protect me, or to hold me, but rather harm me. I love him dearly, and don’t want to let him go. I trust he won’t do that again sober, but with enough alcohol and enough rage, he might. I turn off the TV, which leaves me in a dark, empty and cold room. Who knew that the end of September could be so cold and lonely? A little over a month until my birthday and I am here in a hospital bed, not sure if I want to make it to that day. ----------------------------------------------------- When I am discharged from the hospital, I take a taxi to my apartment building. I enter my apartment silently and slowly. There’s cocaine on my living room table, I pick it up and flush it all down the toilet. No more cocaine until my mind is less of a mess, until I am less of a mess. I spend two hours cleaning my apartment, on my hands and knees scrubbing the floors, standing on chairs to clean the ceiling. When I am finished, my anxiety builds as I turn on my cellphone. I sit outside on my balcony in a large knit sweater and shorts, smoking a cigarette. Missed calls from Andrew, Samantha and my mother. S**t, I realized I was supposed to go to my mother’s for dinner last night. I call her back, and she picks up after the first ring. “Lily, are you okay?!” She sounds panicked. “Yeah, sorry, I went to Ottawa for a couple of days by myself, needed a breather. Sorry for not contacting you.” I hear my mother let out a loud sigh. “Okay, well, dinner can be rescheduled to next week.” “Yeah, I’ll let you know. Love you, bye.” I hang up with my mother and place my phone on the table. I sit for half an hour debating whether or not I should call Andrew. A part of me knows I should to discuss what occurred, but the other part of me wants to forget it happened all together. I wait until the sunsets and I re-enter my house before I call him. He answers on the third ring. “Hello?” “Hey.” I begin to get anxious after hearing his voice, the way I had when we first became friends, the way I felt on our first phone call. “Lily, where have you been?” “I needed to clear my head.” “We’ve all been worried sick. I thought something bad happened to you.” I don’t reply, in hopes he’ll say something else. “So uhm, what have you been up to?” He asks, and I am aware he’s unsure as to what to say. “Nothing really. Just been here and there.” We both remain silent, and for the first time ever, the silence is awkward, and you can feel the tension between the phone lines. “When can I see you?” “Can you come over tonight?” He says yes then we hang up. No ‘I love you’, barely a goodbye. I apply makeup quickly to my sunken in eyes and pale complexion. I brush my hair and stare at myself in the mirror. I look like a zombie and no matter how much makeup I apply, I still look empty and dead. The doorbell buzzes and I jump, almost frightened by the sound. I let Andrew in and feel butterflies in my stomach. I pace around my hallway until he knocks on my door. I open it, exhaling loudly. He wraps his arms around my waist and lifts me, whilst hugging me. I allow him, and hug him back. I feel safe, and I feel like this is where I should be. I inhale his cologne and close my eyes. I feel my body fill up with tears and attempt not to let any out, until I feel my shoulder become wet with Andrew’s tears. Mine then simultaneously pour out of my eyes. We are holding one another, sobbing, and I no longer feel empty, but rather whole. Almost as if the past week hasn’t happened, as if my heart is right where it belongs, in Andrew’s hands. When we finish crying, he lifts my head and kisses me passionately. His left hand cups my face tightly as he kisses me. He carries me to the bedroom where he places me gently on the bed. He lies on top of me, kissing me deeply. He slowly undoes the button to my shorts and lifts my knit sweater delicately, almost as if it will shatter if he touches it too hard. He lies on top of me, both of us bare skin, whilst he enters my body slowly, making me moan softly. His lips do not leave mine until we both orgasm. We then lie intertwined, our heartbeats meshed into one, our breathing rhythmic. They say ‘home is where the heart is’ and I truly believe them now. I have never felt more at home than when I do in Andrew’s arms. My phone begins ringing and I get out of bed and walk into the other room to answer it. “Hello?” There are muffled sounds and I hear sobs. “Lily, it’s me. I’m so sorry I’m calling you, I just, I have no one. Please can I see you?” I’m shocked to hear Timothy sobbing on the other end of the line. “I’m with Andrew right now.” “Please Lily. Please.” I inhale deeply and close my eyes. I attempt to imagine Andrew’s reaction to telling him I am leaving my boyfriend, in bed, for my ex-boyfriend. “I can’t promise you anything. I’ll text you in a bit telling you where to meet me if I can.” I hang up the phone and walk slowly back towards the bedroom. “Babe.” Andrew looks up from a book and smiles at me. He looks so beautiful, so peaceful, lying there. “Listen, a friend of mine from the hospital is having an issue, and we were safe buddies.” “You gotta go don’t you?” “I do, but you can stay here, and when I come back, we can resume the lying in bed together. I’ll pick us up some Chinese.” I smile and he stands from the bed. He grabs my waist tightly and kisses my forehead. “”I love you.” “I love you.” I sit on the bus and text Timothy to meet me at the Starbucks in-between our homes. When I arrive, I order myself a large coffee �" black - and sit at the table furthest from the window, with my back facing everyone in the store. Timothy arrives shortly after with his eyes red and puffy. “Can we go talk in my car instead please?” I nod and stand. We walk into his car and sit in silence for a few minutes. “I can’t seem to get you out of my head. No matter what I do, where I go, who I f**k, you’re the only person I want by my side. You’re the only person who has made me enjoy Mondays, and you helped me through so much, and vice versa. We were best friends, and lovers. I just, I miss you, and I think I’m in love with you.” My eyes widen and I sit in silence, attempting to process what was just said. “What?” “We had something real Lily, you should know this.” “Timothy,” I say softly then clear my throat. “We were best friends who used each other to feel better. What we had was lust, and friendship. I learnt what love was " with Andrew- and I love him… I’m in love with him.” Timothy begins crying hard and repeats “I’m so stupid” over and over again. “No you aren’t. You’re just lonely right now. I’m here for you, always, but not in the way that you THINK you want me.” “I think you should go.” I nod and exit the car. I decide to walk home which is a 45 minute walk, attempting to process what just occurred. How could someone be in love with me after so long of us being apart, and never truly having a title? I stand outside of my apartment building debating on entering or going to sit by the St Lawrence River. Cynthia exits the glass doors and waves to me. “Hey, did you forget your keys?” “Oh no,” I shake my head, “I just….long story. Think I’m going to go on a walk.” “Oh, okay! See ya!” She leaves and I instantly miss Samantha. I walk to the water and sit on a large rock. I call Samantha praying she answers her phone. I leave her a message when she doesn’t answer, hoping she’ll call back immediately. “Hey boo, what’s up?” “Timothy….He just told me he was in love with me still….ugh like what?!” We speak on the phone for half an hour and I come to the conclusion that I cannot let Timothy try to interfere in my relationship. He is the one who ultimately caused me to be hit by Andrew… twice. I walk back to the apartment chain smoking, and finally enter the building, and decide to take the stairs. I knock on the apartment door slowly and softly. Andrew opens it, wearing nothing but his boxers. I enter the house to pancakes on the table, syrup and orange juice. “How’s your friend?” “She’s okay now. Was just hard seeing her in that state.” “I figured it would be hard for you, so I made your favourite meal of all time.” I smile and kiss him passionately. “Can we smoke a blunt first?” He chuckles and nods. I roll a blunt then we sit outside on the patio and smoke together in silence. We re-enter the house when we are finished smoking and I trip over my foot and fall to the ground. I begin laughing hysterically, as does Andrew. He is clutching his stomach from laughing so hard and I have tears pouring down my cheeks from laughing. We are both high, and in need of a good laugh together. We laugh for 3 minutes and I feel pure bliss and happiness. Andrew’s laugh is the best noise I have ever heard in my life. I stand and we sit at the kitchen table. We speak briefly about Andrew’s unproductive day, then he begins to question me about the friend I had to see today. “What’s her name?” “That’s confidential, I can’t tell you that, otherwise it breaks the promise we made one another.” “Oh come on, who am I going to tell?” “Doesn’t matter, you know I don’t take promises lightly.” I smile and Andrew chuckles nervously. “She broke up with her boyfriend today, so she was just feeling down. I went to go calm her down and we spoke briefly about how she was feeling.” “Ah.” Andrew says as he takes another bite of pancakes. I smile and stuff a large piece into my mouth, this makes Andrew giggle. When we are finished eating, I clean the dishes whilst Andrew looks through films to decide which one we are going to watch tonight. When I am finished, I enter my bedroom and grab all six pillows from my bed, followed by the two blankets on my bed, and an extra three in my closet. “Let’s make a fort to watch the movie in!” I exclaim when exiting my bedroom. Andrew begins laughing and agrees. “You’ll forever be a child at heart.” He smiles and kisses my cheek. He’s right. I suppose in a sense, I will always feel a tad childish considering I never had a proper childhood. I know for a fact, he did not mean it that way, however, my mind automatically goes to awful childhood memories, of me losing my childhood long before I was at an age where I could enjoy it. I feel saddened by this, however, I attempt to look at it from more of a positive point of view, I have a wild imagination at an older age due to the lack of imagination I had as a child. By maturing at a younger age, it has allowed me to dream vividly and live a child-like life whilst aging. We begin building the fort, and midway it collapses on us. Andrew chuckles, however I begin to panic. My anxiety level increases and I feel claustrophobic. I push the blankets off of me, however, every time I feel as if I am closer to an opening, I am lost in more blankets and/or pillows. “Andrew babe, get these off of me! Please!” The volume of my voice increases with my anxiety. Andrew pulls of the blankets and pillows and I feel okay again. I begin to breathe at a normal rate, and close my eyes, Andrew stands on top of me, looking down at me, whilst I remain lying there, with my hand over my heartbeat. “Are you okay?” “Yeah, sorry.” I smile, keeping my eyes closed. A majority of my life, I have been petrified of small and crowded areas. Being enclosed in an area unwillingly is one of my biggest fears " elevators, bottom of a pool, anything that could suffocate me, rooms with more than 30 people in them… never comprehended why, but never was able to grow out of the fear. Andrew falls to his knees and wraps his hand around my neck. He doesn’t tighten his grip, but rather kisses my lips gently. For the first time, I do not fear a hand being around my neck. He kisses me for so long, that I feel as if I have no more oxygen in my body. I lie on the floor breathless, whilst Andrew keeps his grip around my neck. He tightens the grip slightly, and at first it makes me uncomfortable and squeamish, until he kisses me passionately - as if this will be our last kiss. I begin to feel a sudden discomfort when this thought arises. My number one problem is constantly over-thinking to the point that I can make a non-existent thought become real. I kiss Andrew back, pushing the thought to the back of my mind. I dig my nails into his back and pull him closer to me. He removes me shirt quickly, followed by my shorts. Leaving our chests glued together, and the only layer of clothing in-between us - is our underwear. I dig my nails deeper, every time I try to pull him in closer. One hand remains around my neck, as the other trails down, removing my thong. He moves his hand from my neck to my hair, wrapping it around his hand and tugging it enough for me to lift my head. He kisses my neck then bites it. I moan slightly. I remove his boxers, and he slides himself inside of me. He thrusts himself gently, whilst his hands are a little more violent. We orgasm at the same time, and he moans I love you when doing so. We lie on my living room floor in the dark, with the television off, and a mess of blankets. I stand and grab a cigarette. I throw on my t-shirt and sit on my balcony. Andrew joins me briefly afterwards. “You know, our neighbors might get mad if we keep coming outside basically naked.” I chuckle at Andrew’s words. “Oh come on, you know that they enjoy it. We’re cute little young adults with hot bodies.” I giggle whilst exhaling smoke. “I hate that you smoke cigs.” Andrew says " I roll my eyes considering it isn’t the first time he’s told me he’s wanted me to quit. “Yeah, well, that’s life ain’t it?” I smile and inhale a long drag. “Can I ask you something?” I nod, a tad worried as to what Andrew might say. “Why do you never use even numbers? I mean, microwaves, you never use 2,4,5,6,8,10 etc. You always say you’re 11 minutes away instead of 10. Why?” “5 isn’t an even number.” “Yeah, but you never use 5 either.” “I don’t know. Even numbers are overused and they irritate me same with factors of 5. I don’t know, it’s like when people don’t like using odd numbers, I guess for me it’s the opposite.” “You really are odd. But odd in a good way of course my dear.” I chuckle and blurt out of nowhere “Have you ever cheated on me?” Andrew appears as if his eyes are about to pop out of his head. “What?!” “I was just asking. I don’t know. I don’t think you would ever, but then again, no one thought Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth would breakup.” “Never have I ever. Nor would I ever. How could you even think that? Wow.” “No, I wasn’t saying I thought you did, I just wanted to know, I don’t know… Isn’t that a normal thing to ask?” Andrew stands, shakes his head in disbelief and walks inside. I follow him after putting out my cigarette. He paces around the hallway, as I stand still watching him. “I didn’t mean it like that babe. I guess, I’d never know if you did, and I don’t think you would, but I’d be okay with you asking me!” “Yeah, well it’s more expected from you than it is for me.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Well, you don’t exactly have relationship qualities. I mean, you’re a great girl, but it’s your first real relationship, you might not follow all of the rules.” I am beyond offended by his statement and feel almost as if he is calling me a w***e because he is my first relationship. “No, you are right. I have loved no one but you, I have not been with anyone but you in the emotion department. Oh god forbid, I ask you if you are as invested in us as I am, and perhaps it wasn’t the best way to approach the situation, but, you cannot just tell me that I would be the one most likely to cheat, and how obvious it is. I have witnessed a lot of awful romances, and have learnt from them, on what not to do, and I thought you would understand that, but I suppose not.” Andrew stares at me blankly, and remains silent until I speak again. “I think you should go.” He enters my bedroom, puts on his clothes, and then leaves immediately. I do not feel lonely, but rather alone, and I am fairly content with that. I feel angered, but at the same time, as if I am in power because for one I stood up for myself in this relationship. How could I ever cheat on a man I love? How could the person who has witnessed nothing like what I have in my hands and heart currently, screw this up, for someone who wouldn’t make me feel half as great as he? I am cooped up thinking about him constantly, going about my day, with the thought of him liking or disliking something, or something he ought to try, or a joke I feel like I must tell him " however, he thinks that I would be the one to hurt him, and ultimately, break him, the way I fear to be broken. I sit on my couch and roll a blunt. At this very moment, I want to snort a line, or slice a line into my body and watch as the crimson leaks from my body. However, instead, I grab a nearby sharpie, and although it’s black, I draw symmetrical lines along my right arm, followed by both of my thighs. I smoke the blunt immediately afterwards then drink a large glass of ice cold water. I sit on my bar stool silently and inhale deeply, closing my eyes. I feel good for the first time in a while alone. I feel almost as if I have accomplished something - I have become a stronger person without realizing it. I just used a copping method, and I actually stuck through with it, in order not to harm myself in any way or form. I turn on my television and put on a Yoga video I purchased before moving into this apartment. I complete the 45 minute video then go to sleep, listening to the sound of rainfall hit against my window - leaving my mind blank, and thoughtless for the first time in a very long time. I awake in the middle of the night at 4:32am with a large thirst. I stand up from bed disoriented and stumble to the kitchen to get water. Whilst pouring myself a glass, I check my phone. I open my voice-mails and listen to the latest one - Andrew - “Hey babe, I’m sorry, you know it isn’t what I mean, please, call me back. I need you, I’m sorry.” I hang up the phone, and momentarily, I feel guilty, however, I am fully aware that it isn’t just me to blame. I shut off my phone, chug the large glass of water and re-enter my bedroom. I place all of my pillows and blankets on my floor next to my window and lie down, staring at the downtown lights, and the soon to be sunrise. I stare blankly, and attempt to push all of the negative thoughts away. I repeat to myself out loud, “You did it. You are wonderful, and strong. You can keep going without hurting yourself. You did it.” I no longer feel as accomplished as I had when I first drew all over my body, and did yoga. I begin to inhale and exhale heavily, and begin to feel my eyes grow heavier, I drift off into a heavy slumber. I awake with the sun beaming directly in my eyes, with the birds chirping loudly. I look at the time, along with all of my missed calls and texts - 12:30pm, 8 missed called, 22 texts. I call my mother, completely ignoring Andrew’s messages to me and arrange for a dinner tonight. I tell her Andrew may or may not join, and how I would appreciate if my father didn’t as well. “He’s out of town for the week honey, he’s in China for work.” I hang up the phone and call Andrew; he answers immediately. “Lily.” “Andrew, can you please come over, we need to speak.” I hang up, without waiting for a response, and get ready. I put my hair in a loose bun, throw on sweatpants and a hoodie. I text him letting him know I’m going for a 30 minute jog and to meet me at the St Lawrence River by the rock where we carved “AL BFFS” a few summers ago. After sending this text message, I begin to read all of the texts I received from him. A majority of them are just apologies, however, one reads “Lily, you are my shooting star in the night, you are the one person I can’t wait to tell anything to - whether it be stupid or important. You’re my best friend, and I don’t know how I survived before I met you. You are my everything, and I know I say the wrong things a lot, but maybe this is the right thing to say and to do - I love you, but maybe we aren’t good for each other. We argue so much, and I know you’ve never been in a healthy relationship before, and maybe this isn’t one…” I begin to sob hysterically before finishing the text. Andrew arrives moments later in sweatpants and a hoodie as well. His eyes look tired, and sunken in, as if he hasn’t slept all night. I wipe my tears and walk towards him. I raise my phone “I just read your texts” my voice crack and I attempt to hold in my tears. “Let’s go to my car and speak.” He says sternly and I nod, following him back to his car. We walk in silence until we both enter. “Listen Lily, I love you, with everything I have, but maybe we love each other too much.” I gather all of the courage I have and reply “Shut the f**k up. There is no such thing as loving someone so much that you leave them. No, if you leave someone who you claim to love, you’re a f*****g dick. You’re backing out of this because we argue, oh god forbid. Maybe if we stopped speaking at each other all the time, and speak to one another, we wouldn’t argue so much, and we’ve have communication.” Andrews’s eyes widen and he appears to be shocked by my words. “I just, I don’t want us to be like your parents Lily. I don’t want us to end up unhappy but staying with each other for comfort.” “You tried breaking up with my over text, that makes it worse already.” I attempt to slide in sarcasm, which Andrew does not chuckle at. “I just, I don’t know what to do Lily.” I nod and attempt to process that this might be the end for Andrew and I. “We need communication. No more talking down to one another, and rather speaking about how we feel rather than exploding, making it into a dramatic scene.” He leans in and cups my face with his both hands, and kisses me gently. He pulls himself back “I love you.” “I love you too.” He kisses me again and apologizes for the blowout. We speak about why we began arguing in the first place, and both admit to being petrified of losing one another to someone who is better. Although Andrew and I are opposites, ultimately, our feelings and fears resemble one another. We both have such strong emotions, that occasionally, they are hard to deal with, and speak about therefore, and we jump to conclusions. I never thought I’d almost lose Andrew, and after this, I don’t know how I will react if I ever do. He brings out the best in me, he is there to hold my hand whilst I fix myself, he is the person to bring an umbrella on my rainy day, and wait it out until I bring the sunshine again. I lift my sleeves and show Andrew the sharpie all over my arms. “I have some on my thighs too.” I give him a small grin and he replicates mine. It widens as he rubs his fingers along the marks. “I am so proud of you babe. I know it must’ve been hard, but wow, I am so proud.” He kisses my arms then my cheek then my lips. “Can we go back home now?” Andrew nods, and turns on the engine. Our car ride back to my apartment is filled with us singing and dancing to songs on the radio, and laughing. I feel childlike with him currently, due to the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, and all of the giggles I am producing. Whilst Andrew’s eyes are on the road, I look at him, and smile - he is truly such a beautiful human being, and I am so grateful, that I am the lucky one who is able to hold his heart with my steady hands. ----------------------------------------------------- We lie on my couch, with my head on his lap, whilst he strokes my hair mindlessly. “I have to go to my mom’s tonight for dinner, I would invite you to come, but she and I have some things to discuss…” I trail off. “Yeah, no problem, I’ll drive you there, and then I can pick you up afterwards. We can go to either my house or yours and have a sleepover.” He smiles “I can walk to your house afterwards; it isn’t that far babe. Thank you!” “No problem baby.” I stand from the couch, despite the fact that I would much rather lie like this for forever with Andrew. No matter where we lie, in whatever position, it is always the most comforting feeling in the world. I have yet to find a bed or couch, that was able to help me fall asleep as well as Andrew does, and have yet to find any blanket as soft as Andrew’s skin, and as warm. I change quickly, apply makeup, brush my hair and sit back down on the couch. We watch an episode of Friends whilst I roll a blunt. Once the episode if finished, we sit outside on my balcony with the cool breeze kissing our bare skin, getting higher than a kite. “Are you sure you want to go home this high babe?” “Yeah, don’t worry, my mom won’t know.” I start giggling. “Okay, well you’re going to be late so, let’s get going.” We stand and exit my apartment within minutes. We listen to loud pop songs on our commute to my mother’s house, singing louder than the singer, and dancing. There are plenty of laughs along the way, and it isn’t only because we are high. We sit in my driveway for a few moments before saying goodbye - listening to the end of the song. “Bye babe, see you later!” I lean in and kiss him quickly, then exit the car. I ring my mother’s doorbell and don’ get an answer. I walk to our backyard and call out her name. Moments later she opens the gate in her bathing suit, soaking wet. “Oh sorry honey! I was in the hot tub.” She says slurring her words. It’s the first time I’ve heard my mother sound inhibited. “Are you drunk mom?’ She giggles, and puts her finger to her mouth. “Shhh.” I chuckle. We walk inside and she asks if I want to go in the hot tub and have a drink with her. “Of course!” I laugh “this is probably the first and last time you ever ask me to have a drink with you so.” “What, we had a drink when you moved in to your apartment!” “Yeah, but this is no ‘special occasion.’” “Oh but it is! Go put on one of my bathing suits and come down, I’ll have a drink made for you.” I nod and head towards her bedroom. Whilst walking to her bedroom, I stop on the way and peak into my old bedroom. The walls are newly painted white, and completely empty. My room looks so much larger than I remember. It almost saddens me to see that the room is currently empty and not being used. My childhood was spent in that room, so many memories in that room, and now, it’s empty. Almost as if no one had ever roomed there. It feels as empty as I do when I am alone. I walk inside and walk to my windowsill. I sit on the hard wood; I have never sat here before without my grey pillows underneath me, and the plush pillows beside me. I look outside and am startled when my mother calls my name. “Lily!!!” “Yeah, hold on, I’m looking still!” I leave the empty room and go into my mothers. I pick the first bathing suit I see, and put it on. I walk down the stairs; my mother has two martini glasses in her hand. ----------------------------------------------------- We sit in the hot tub sipping on our drinks. We haven’t said much to one another, except for how our days went. “So, what’s the special occasion mom?” She smiles at me nervously, and takes a large gulp of her drink. My eyes widen, I’ve never seen my mother drink like this before, only a couple of glasses of wine at family functions and dinners. I wonder how my mom is when she’s high off blow. I push the thought aside and look at her. “Well?” “Okay, honey, you have to promise to be okay with this good news I’m about to bring you.” I chuckle as she slurs. I drink more of my drink then nod. “I have decided to leave your father. He doesn’t know yet, but when he comes back from his trip, I’m going to tell him.” She laughs nervously, attempting to read my expression. I sit quietly, with nothing to say. I am happy for her of course, she is leaving a monster, however, I’m not sure how she will cope on her own, let alone, actually leaving him. “Honey?” She says moving closer to me. I’m so proud of you mom, I really am, but are you going to stick with it? You know, you left dad once, which actually just was, he went up north for a month then came back.” I remember the day that she told him to get out the first and only time. He had kicked me down the stairs and then when she screamed and cried, he kicked her too. She lied on the floor beside me, both crying, and she screamed “GET OUT! GET THE F**K OUT!” My father stood at the top of the stairs looking down on us, and he snickered after my mother spoke. “You don’t want me gone, you wouldn’t be you without me.” My mother repeated herself and she stood, attempting to lift me from the ground as well. I pulled myself back down to clutch my stomach in pain, and I cried out in agony. He packed his bags shortly after, and he left for one full month. It was the best month I had ever endured. My mother was less stressed, came home for dinner, and actually smiled - a real and genuine smile. When he came back, her smile faded quickly, but she claimed that it was for the best and that she couldn’t live without him. I being naïve, believed her, and listened to my mother, despite the fact that I knew deep down, that it wasn’t for the best, and that without him, everything would be okay. My mother waves her hand in my face, and I realize I have been staring into space. “Oh uh yeah, sorry.” I finish off my drink and look at my mother in her eyes. “Is this time for real?” I ask, knowing no matter what she will say yes. Her eyes light up, like I have never seen before, and she smiles. “This is permanent. I want him gone.” “Why is it only now that you want him gone? All of these years he’s been horrible, and only the past year, he’s laid off the abuse as much, and now that I’ve moved out?! He made my life a living hell, and now you decide to leave him, once my childhood is over, once it doesn’t impact me at all.” My mother attempts to speak, but breaks out into tears. “I thought you would be happy.” “I am happy mom, I just, I’m sad that you are only leaving him now because for 19 years, you could’ve been with someone better, someone who treated you right.” “Well, 19 years ago, if I had met anyone else, you wouldn’t have been born. Your father didn’t do much good, but you are the one great thing he ever made.” I smile, and inch closer to my mother to wipe her tears. “Let’s go inside and eat okay?” I say standing from the hot tub. My mother nods and follows me into the house. “I’ll cook!” I call out from the bathroom as I change. “Or we can order pizza?” My mother suggests. I exit the washroom and agree on ordering pizza. My mother and I lie on the couch together, cuddled, and she finally speaks. “I hope you aren’t angry with my decision.” “Of course not mom, but I just want to make sure this time it’s for real. Is he going to be living up north?” “Well, that’s what I will suggest to him, until he finds a new place to live closer to his work. He can keep the cottage though, I don’t want it anymore.” I smile and nod. “I can be there if you want, when you do it.” I feel her head shake against my shoulders. “No sweetie, he’ll think you put me up to this.” She chuckles nervously, and I can tell that she is already concerned about his reaction. The doorbell rings and we hop up from the couch. My mother answers the door then walks back to the living room. “Let’s eat here!” I nod and she sits on the floor, placing the pizza box on the coffee table. We eat a slice each then she asks me how Andrew and I are doing. “We’re good. We’re really good actually. We fight often, but over little stupid things…I don’t know, we’re good for now. I’m scared for when we aren’t again.” My mother’s eyes grow dark. “What’s wrong?” “He is treating you right I hope?” She asks. I nod and smile, taking another slice of pizza and biting into it. “Good. I just want the best for you. He’s a great kid, and you both are good for each other. The light in your eyes is still there. The glow to your face hasn’t departed which is good. The arguing is normal, without any arguments, there would be real problems.” She chuckles. ----------------------------------------------------- “Will you stay the night dear?” “Oh um, yeah sure I can if you want!” “Yeah I’d like that. I miss having you here. We can share my bed.” I nod. “Why haven’t you guys done anything with my bedroom yet?” “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve been busy, your father hasn’t been home. I was going to make it into a little workout room, but it just doesn’t feel right to replace your bedroom with that.” “Why don’t you make it into a painting studio?” “You know that I’m not that great at painting. I’m sure I can find something.” I watch my mother grow sadder, and I feel a pit at the bottom of my stomach. For such a beautiful and talented woman, she has such a low self-confidence. “You’re an amazing painter mom. Please, make it into a studio, besides, you and I can paint together when I come over.” I smile attempting to reassure her. “Yeah, maybe.” Seeing my mother sad, and watching her put herself down, makes me feel as if I am looking into a mirror. Perhaps the apple truly does not fall far from the tree. My mother has never been one to flaunt anything, and I always thought it was just because she was humble, however, the older I get, the more I realize that it’s just because she doesn’t think she is good enough. Perhaps, through all of my struggles, my mother also saw a part of her inside of me, perhaps that is why she was so affected by it, and took it rather personal. “You’re beautiful mom.” She looks up into my eyes and laughs. “I mean it. You’re beautiful.” “Okay.” I shake my head, knowing that she does not believe me. “You are. You are so beautiful and I don’t think you hear it enough.” “Thank you.” I see a tear drop from her cheek and she stands quickly. “I’ll go make us some more drinks.” Whilst she’s in the kitchen, I call Andrew to tell him I will be spending the night and that I’ll see him tomorrow. He suggests picking me up in the morning and going out to brunch with him and my mother. I agree with his wonderful idea. My mother enters the living room again with two drinks in her hand and a smile on her face. She looks genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. ----------------------------------------------------- I lie on the couch drunk, whilst my mother is sound asleep on the other couch. I stare at her sleeping, so softly. She looks so calm, and at peace. A wave of sadness rushes over me because I know that my mother has been through so much in life, and I cannot help but wonder what went wrong in her life first. Did she marry my father thinking he was a good man, or did she know beforehand that he was a monster? Did he and she connect because of drugs? Questions I could never actually ask, but questions I will always have, I will always wonder. Did my father start off as a kind, loving soul, until one day he snapped and took his anger out on my mother? Did he then realize that it was the easiest way to take out his anger, especially considering my mother would never leave? Did he start off like Andrew? A little slap, apologize and then everything was okay again? This has made me think so much, and all I can think about is what happens if Andrew hits me again? He promised he would never, but my father also promised me that. The first time he ever laid his hands on me when my mother wasn’t home. I was sitting on the couch when I was about 13 years old, I spilled my cereal on our new leather couches. I jumped up, knowing that he wouldn’t be pleased. I ran to the kitchen, grabbed cloths, and cleaning products in hopes that I could clean this mess, pretend it never happened before my father noticed. Unfortunately, he noticed before I was able to clean up the milk and cheerios from the couch and floor. He stood in the living room when I entered. My face reddened and I apologized over and over again. He calmly told me to clean my mess up, and when I did, he then knelt down, inspected the once messy area, and pushed my head into the couch. He held me head down screaming “Does this look clean to you?!” I began crying and continuously apologized, begging for him to let go. He did; he let go of the nape of my neck and grabbed my arm. He lifted me so that I was standing, and he looked down at me. “You stupid little pig.” He threw me on the ground them kicked my stomach. I remember very clearly crying out for help, crying for my mother, knowing she wasn’t home. I had never been alone with my father when he as angry. My father and I almost never spoke when we were alone - we’d stay on different floors and the only time we would speak is if the phone rang for one of us and the other answered. He laughed and spat in my face when I didn’t stop crying for help. I remember lying there after a little while, in silence, silently praying he would stop. I stopped putting up a fight, and when I did, he stopped shortly after, it’s almost as if he enjoyed the struggle, as if he enjoyed to watch me fight for what felt like my life. You would think that after all of these years, I would swear off men, that I would’ve called the police, but how could you ever call the police on someone who puts a roof over your head? Who feeds you? Who claims that this is what love is, and to be punished, you must feel it in order not to make the mistake again? I grew up as a very sad child, a child who turned to hurting herself to punish me. A girl who thought that love was painful, and truth is- despite aging, I still think that love is painful. I have shed so many tears with and over Andrew, I have felt empty, and lonely, sad and angry. I have felt every single emotion whilst in a relationship - emotions I never felt with anyone else before. However, the thing with love is; with all the pain, you push it aside because the happiness is what matters most. If you push aside all of the negative, you find more positive, and you feel so much more happy than you feel sad. I close my eyes with a sad smile on my face. I am seeing the love of my life tomorrow for breakfast with my mother, however, I cannot escape the thought of my father, of the love he has demonstrated to me. ----------------------------------------------------- We sit in a booth, me next to my mother, and Andrew across from us. I order fruit salad with yogurt and granola, my mother orders pancakes, and Andrew orders bacon and eggs. Andrew and my mother speak a majority of the time until Andrew asks me why I am so silent. “Oh, I’m sorry, I went to bed late. Mom and I had a few drinks together.” Andrew smiles at my mother and they engage in conversation again. I stare whilst Andrew speaks, in admiration of how beautiful he is, how graceful he sounds, at how perfect he is. “How are you and Mr. D?” Andrew asks my mother. She looks at him, looks at her watch and chuckles nervously. “Babe, how was your night?” I attempt to change the subject - Andrew not noticing the awkwardness, answers my question right away. “Good! My mom and I had a nice dinner then we watched the game together. What did you two do last night besides get drunk?” He winks at my mother and I smile. He not only adores me, but he gets along so well with both of my parents, especially my mother. He treats her like his own royalty. Timothy and my mother never got along; sure in person they both respected one another, but my mother hated him because she was convinced he was just using me, and Timothy was convinced she was attempting to keep us away from one another. I suppose the mutual hatred was caused by me because I never cleared up both of their accusations. I tune back into the conversation. “We then kept drinking until I fell asleep, I don’t know what time that was about.” “Oh about 2:30am mom” My mother giggles. “Oh my, I haven’t gone to bed that late since you were a little baby who didn’t sleep through the night!” We continue eating, and once the check comes, all three of us attempt to grab it. “No I’m paying! My treat!” Andrew says attempting to pull it to him. “No no! You work hard for your money, I will pay!” My mother says. I stand “I’m going to the bathroom.” I stand from the booth and my mother and Andrew both discuss who will pay. I walk to our waitress, give her my credit card and tell her I will pay. When I return, they are still on the subject of who will pay. “It’s paid for, let’s go.” We sit in the car, listening to music as we drop my mother off. I kiss her cheek goodbye, tell her to call me, and that she should come over for dinner at the end of the week. She agrees and enters the house. I sit in the front seat; Andrews hand on my thigh, squeezing it a little, and he has a smile on his face. “You know, I was going to pay.” “No you weren’t. My mother wouldn’t have let you, so I solved it.” I chuckle and he grins with his teeth showing. ----------------------------------------------------- We sit on the patio chairs outside, smoking a blunt when Andrew asks why my mother got so nervous when he asked about my father. “She’s divorcing him.” Andrew’s eyes widen and he looks a tad disappointed. “What?! Why?! They look so happy whenever I’ve been over and they both were home!” “Yeah, well looks are deceiving. Uhm, yeah I don’t know, things just don’t always work out. He doesn’t know yet though, she’s telling him when he gets back into town.” “Wow. That’s sad. They were the only married couple I knew who looked happy besides my parents.” “Yeah.” I nod and close my eyes as I inhale a large haul. “Let’s stop talking about their marriage okay?” Andrew nods. “I really like your mom. She’s very sweet. I think today was the first time I ever heard her speak so much.” “Yeah, she’s pretty great.” “I love you Lily.” “I love you too.”
Don’t go Two months of what feels like paradise spent with Andrew in my apartment. The only time we have left the apartment was to purchase groceries and whenever Andrew and I had work. We celebrated my birthday with a quiet and romantic dinner alone. He got me body lotions, perfume and a day to the spa for whenever I want to go. Everyone called to wish me a happy birthday, and ask if I was doing anything, however, I said no considering it was only my 20th birthday and not an age of importance. Our Christmas was spent very quietly, like any other day. We both purchased one another a gift each, and had our mothers over for dinner. I bought him a silver watch and he bought me a pair of Louboutins I have wanted for ages. My mother has visited a couple of times, however she has been at home a lot packing my father’s bags and boxes. He took it surprisingly well apparently. When she told him, she called me afterwards crying saying it was officially over and how there was no turning back this time. I knew she still loved him however, she needed to begin to love herself. I haven’t seen Samantha in two months, however we speak daily. Her and Steven are official now, and have spent almost every single day together. I haven’t touched cocaine since I decided to stop. Generally, these past two months have been great; especially for Andrew and I. we haven’t argued once - not even about my attire for photo-shoots. I used to feel lonely when at home for too long, even with Andrew over, however, now, I am dreading the day we go back to going out. It is so nice to be wrapped up in someone’s warmth daily, and not have a worry in the world. It’s almost as if we have had a two month long honeymoon; without the marriage of course. However, tomorrow, things go back to normal. Tomorrow, it is Steven’s birthday and Samantha is having a surprise party for him at a hall. Tomorrow Andrew and I re-enter the normal world, and go back to society. Andrew and I lie in bed together, fully nude, intertwined like a vine. I trace lines on his chest whilst he runs his fingers through my hair. “Babe, what are we doing for valentine’s day?” “I don’t know. I have a few things planned, but you cannot know about them yet.” “I hate surprises!” “I know, that’s why I have so many planned.” He kisses my forehead. “We need to start getting ready.” Andrew says brushing the hair from my face. “I know. It feels like forever since we left the apartment willingly.” “I know, I think my mom might think you kidnapped me.” Andrew chuckles. “I don’t want to leave.” I admit again. “I know babe, but we cannot stay lying in bed for forever.” I smile and get up. “Okay, let’s start getting ready, otherwise we’re going to be late.” I wear a black pencil skirt, and a floral shirt with sand coloured wedges. My hair in a loose French braid and red lipstick. Andrew wears black dress pants and a white shirt with a black bow tie. “You look so good.” I say approaching Andrew. I kiss him leaving his lips almost as red as mine are. “Baby stop,” he blushes “if you start kissing me whilst looking as good as you do, we won’t leave this house.” He smirks and I comprehend what he means. “How’s your mom doing?” “I haven’t spoken to her today yet, but yesterday she seemed to be doing well. She packed the last of my dad’s things and he passed by, said nothing to her and she went out for drinks with friends. I don’t think she has ever done that since she’s had me.” “Good.” Andrew smiles and his response is genuine. “Let’s go.” He says holding out his arm. I lace my arm through his and we leave the house. ----------------------------------------------------- Andrew and I stand at the bar, I order a martini and Andrew orders a beer. We have many people approach us, ask how we have been and what we have been up to. We claim we have been busy, however, in reality, we have just been avoiding everyone whilst in a world of our own. We all wait patiently for Samantha and Steven to arrive. I receive a text from Samantha saying she’s a couple of minutes away. I walk to the DJ and ask him to turn off the music. I stand at the microphone and my anxiety level rises. The last time I was in front of this many people was graduation high school and I fainted on stage before receiving my diploma. I inhale deeply and Andrew notices my hands shake as I hold the microphone. Everyone stares, however, I look at only Andrew feeling calmer. “They’re going to be here any minute now, so everyone please be prepared, and do not make noise. Shout surprise once he enters.” I walk back towards Andrew, with my hands still shaking. He wraps me in his arms, kisses me forehead. “You did great babe.” He smiles, as do I. “SURPRISE!” We all shout in excitement. Steven is beyond shocked and he smiles with all of his teeth showing. He picks up Samantha, kisses her and thanks her. He walks to everyone else thanking them one by one with Samantha by his side. He comes up to Andrew and I last. “You guys came!” “Well obviously, we wouldn’t miss it for the world man!” Andrew says. “Happy birthday!” I say to Steven. Andrew and Steven walk to the bar chatting, whilst Samantha and I sit at a table together. “How have you been?” She says to me. “Pretty great actually. It felt like paradise, just Andrew and I, no one else. It feels weird to be out partying.” “You look great babe! I’m glad you came, and you and Andrew don’t have to stop all the lovey dovey crap. I mean, I get it, no arguments, nothing because there isn’t anything to argue about, but at the same time, you cannot stay in solitude forever.” “I know, I know. I think after these past two months, of really getting to know each other better than we already did, that being out and socializing again, there won’t be anything to argue about.” Samantha nods and smiles. Andrew and Steven return. ----------------------------------------------------- Once the party is over, I am tipsy, and Andrew is sober. Samantha and Steven take a taxi back to her house because they are both equally drunk. Andrew and I sit in his car with the music loud and the windows down. I am smiling like a little child, singing along to every song. “You looked absolutely beautiful tonight babe.” Andrew says. I stop singing and smile at him, my face reddens. We walk into my apartment and both get undressed. “I had a great time tonight. I missed everyone.” “Me too.” Andrew admits. “Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time being with you, and only you, but it was nice to go out.” “Yeah it was.” “Lily, what about making this ours.” Andrew waves his hands around suggesting the apartment. “Huh?” “Well, I mean, for the past two months we have lived together, so why not make it official? This way, we can share the cost of this place, and truly call it our own. We won’t need to have two months of isolation because no matter what we do during the day, we will fall asleep together, and wake up next to one another.” I nod. “Okay, yeah, let’s make it ours.” “After Valentine’s day, I’ll start moving my stuff in.” “Why after Valentine’s day? It’s in over a month away.” “I know, but I already have the Valentine’s Day stuff in my bedroom, so I don’t want you to see any of it.” I nod and he kisses me softly. He pushes me on the bed and smiles seductively. “I have an idea.” He says and stands. I am confused by the fact that he pushed me on the bed then stood up. He grabs a tie from the ground and ties my hands together. He pins them above my head. “Stay still.” I begin to get turned on. He runs his fingers down my naked body, slowly, and softly, making me squirm. “I said stay still.” He turns me over and smacks my a*s, making it sting. “Good girl.” He kisses where he hit and turns me back over. “You gonna stay still now?” He smiles and I nod biting my bottom lip. He kisses me passionately and puts two fingers inside of me, making me moan and move my arms from above my head to around his. He pins them back to where they were and turns me over again. He unties my hands, and re-ties them, however this time behind my back. He smacks my a*s again. He kisses my shoulders, then my back. He grabs my braid and enters my body, I let out a loud moan. He thrusts harder and harder making my body squirm, and making me squeal. “I love you.” He says as he smacks my a*s again and thrusts as hard as ever. My legs begin to shake, my toes curl, and I shut my eyes and orgasm. He thrusts one more time, then he is finished. He unties my hands from behind my back. We both lie in bed, catching our breath. “That was fun.” I admit. “Yeah, I wanted to try something new.” “I like it.” I giggle and he kisses me softly. “Is your behind okay?” He chuckles. “Oh yeah, never felt better.” We both lie in bed giggling over nothingness, until my eyes begin to grow heavy. Although we didn’t make love tonight, we fucked, but in such a way that still felt passionate, that still felt like love. It wasn’t the first time I have had sex in such a position, however, the other times with Timothy in doggy style wasn’t passionate, wasn’t love, it was pure f*****g. It’s almost as if with each smack, with each hair tug, I felt more and more in love with Andrew. I close my eyes and begin to drift off into a heavy slumber. I awake the next morning to an empty bed, with a cup of coffee on my nightstand and a note. “You were too peaceful to wake. Had to go to work, I love you, have a great day.” I smile at the note and sip my now cold coffee. It’s 9:43am, which means the coffee has been sitting here for 43 minutes. I smile at his thoughtfulness and get up from my bed…our bed. I put on a pair of shorts and a large t-shirt and open my front door for the newspaper. I read through it and make myself another coffee. In two days it will be the New Year, and the only plans Andrew and I have is going to a hall with friends of ours. I decide that today I will go out and find myself a dress that I will wear to the hall. I put on a pair of leggings, a knit sweater and my UGG boots. I shop for several hours until I find a black velvet long sleeved dress. I then go to the shoe store and buy myself a pair of black stilettos. I am fairly content with my purchases for the day. I call Andrew when he is finished work, asking if he wants to pick me up. He agrees and claims we’re going out to dinner. When he pulls up in the mall parking lot, I walk to his car with two large bags. “What did you buy? Russia?” Andrew giggles, and I reciprocate. “I bought shoes and a dress for the hall party.” “Ou, I want to see them when we get home.” “Nope, you get to wait until then.” He chuckles and drives. We sit at a small table, both picking at our meals. I ordered a garden salad, and Andrew ordered a steak. “Not hungry?” Andrew asks. I point at his plate. “I can say the same about you.” “Yeah, I think 5 o’clock is too early for us.” I chuckle and agree. We speak about his day at work, and a little about my shopping day. When we are finished, instead of going home right away, we take a walk along the frozen water. “Why didn’t we do anything for Christmas Lily?” Andrew hasn’t mentioned Christmas since the day of. “I wasn’t feeling it this year. I’m sorry I didn’t buy a tree or decorate the house. I just wasn’t feeling well that week.” “I know, but why this year out of all to not celebrate it? You’re usually so excited about Christmas.” “Because this was the first Christmas I realized that it would never be the same, I don’t know, I guess, I just wasn’t ready for all that change.” Andrew pulls me in and kisses my cheek. “It’s okay, next year.” ----------------------------------------------------- New Year’s Eve has always been one of my favourite days of the year. It’s the day that I spend hours attempting to look good, and no one says anything about the length of time it takes me to get ready, because everyone else is doing the same. Every year since I was 14, I have spent it at this hall, however, this is the first year I don’t spend it with my parents. Samantha has been going to the hall with her parents for the same length of time as well, and the only difference for her this year is that Steven will be there. She and I usually sit with our parents until they got drunk enough that we could go dance, and sneak drinks from the bar. However, this year, we won’t need to sneak alcohol, we will be dancing all night, with the loves of our lives, surrounded by people we love. I call my mother to ask her what her plans are, and she says she’s going to a friend’s cottage for a party. I decide to call my father for the first time in months. “Hello?” “Hi dad.” “Oh, hi.” “I just wanted to say Happy New Year in advance because I won’t be able to tonight.” “Okay.” “How are you?” “I’m busy, I have to go.” He hangs up the phone, and for the first time, I feel emotionally hurt by my father. My whole life, I have thought that he loved me, despite all of the pain he caused, however, for the first time ever, I feel as if he never loved me, as if he never truly wanted a child, and if he did, I wasn’t the model child he wanted. I apply a smoky eye, and winged eyeliner, along with a deep red lipstick. I curl my hair loosely and let it hang off of my shoulders. I then apply body lotion all over my nude body, leaving it smelling like pomegranate and filled with sparkles. I then slip on my dress and heels, and wait for Andrew to ring my doorbell. He got dressed at his own house, we both agreed that he should spend as much time with his mom as he could before moving out. I wait nervously, as if this is our first date ever. My palms become sweaty and my heart beats faster as time elapses. Finally, my doorbell buzzes, and I tell him I will be down in a moment. I run to my bathroom to take one more look at myself and then walk to the elevator. “Wow, you look amazing babe. Oh my god.” I thank him, and we kiss one another. “The dress is a little short though.” He says in a tone of disappointment. “Sorry, I just don’t fit in a bigger size.” He nods and we walk to the car in silence. We drive to the hall in almost silence until I finally speak. “I’m wearing shorts underneath the dress.” “Mhm.” I lift my dress, showing him my black spandex shorts. He smiles and exits the car. He runs to the passenger side, and opens the door for me. “Such a gentleman.” I say and kiss him. He wraps his arm around my wait, with his hand on my a*s whilst we walk to the door. ----------------------------------------------------- We dance and drink until the countdown begins. Samantha, Steven, Andrew and I are in our own little world, giggling, and dancing despite the fact that none of us are actually good at it. “10…9…” Everyone begins chanting. We all stand side by side, counting down with everyone. “I’ll be back!” Samantha shouts and grabs Steven’s arm. They stand next to her parents finishing the countdown. “3…2…1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Andrew and I kiss each other passionately until I smile, breaking the kiss. “Happy New Year baby!” I smile widely. “Happy New year babe! With many more to come.” He smiles and we kiss again. At around 2am, people begin leaving the hall, so Andrew and I call a taxi to bring us home. He gives me his blazer to wrap around me whilst we wait for the taxi to pull up. We enter, and drive in silence. When we get home, we are giggling and beyond drunk. I take my heels off right away and stumble to the couch. “IT’S 2014 BABY!” I shout. He laughs and says it back. We then walk to the bedroom, and get undresses. I lie in the bed, whilst Andrew uses the washroom, feeling my eyes grow heavier with each minute. He enters the bedroom and smiles at me. “I’m going to bed babe.” He giggles. “I want to too, sorry, I’m just so tired.” “Me too.” We kiss each other goodnight, and fall asleep instantly. ----------------------------------------------------- A day before Valentine’s Day, and my house has yet to be decorated, nor do I have a gift for Andrew yet. Thank god he works all day, this gives me plenty of time to shop. I finish my coffee and enter my bedroom, open my closet and take out a box filled with different decorations. I take out all of the Valentine’s Day items and begin to decorate. I replace the place solid blue placemats with red ones filled with white hearts, I place red and pink candles around the house, and a few teddy bears on the couch. My house is no longer a blue and white scheme, but rather now a red, white and pink scheme. I smile at my success. I then apply my makeup lightly, and walk to the bus stop. My mother calls whilst I wait for the bus. “Hi sweetie, how are you?” “I’m great! I’m going shopping for Andrew’s Valentine’s Day gift!” “Oh yeah? I’m in the area, I can pick you up and we can go together! I’m having a party tomorrow for all of my single friends so I need to buy a few things as well.” “Look at you!” I giggle, and walk back to my apartment after agreeing that she will pick me up. I enter the car and right away ask her how her how her new year was. “Really great. I’ve been a little sad since the last time I saw you, especially since Valentine’s Day is approaching and this is the first time in almost 30 years that I don’t spend it with your father.” “I didn’t even know you had friend’s mom.” “Yeah, well, your father always thought that my girlfriends who didn’t have a husband who was friends with your father was a bad influence.” “So who’s coming over tomorrow?” “A few girls from work, and some other friends from Up North. Only single women. We’re going to drink, play games, watch movies, and have each other as our Valentine’s.” “I’d invite you over, but I have no idea what Andrew and I are doing.” “How are you two?” “Still really good. We celebrated Seven’s birthday at a hall, then spent the New Year at a hall with Samantha, Steven, and a few friends from high school. We agreed that Andrew should move in.” “Wow! That’s exciting news! Congrats!” My mother almost squeals at the news. I roam around the store with my mother, picking up heart shaped boxes of Andrew’s favourite chocolates and candies, when I come across a frog stuffed animal that says “I LUV U” on it. “Is this too girly?” My mother chuckles. “Valentine’s Day is a girly holiday, I think the frog is sweet.” I nod, smile and put it in the basket. When we are finished shopping, my mother and I go for frozen yogurt. “So I’m thinking, wake Andrew up tomorrow with heart shaped pancakes and some sort of a red or pink drink, any suggestions?” “Strawberry milk!” My mother and I finish our frozen yogurt, she receives a phone call from my father and when she gets off the phone, and her excitement is gone. “What did he say?” “Oh, nothing, he just asked what I was doing tomorrow, and he asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I declined the offer then got called a few names.” “Ignore him mom. This is for the best, you and I both know it.” “I know, but it’s just hard. I still love him, but I need to start looking out for myself, I mean, this is the happiest I have been in years. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun with you and your father, but not like this. I have no worries at home anymore, the only time I have stress is at work, which being a lawyer, will never end.” She chuckles. “I’m okay, don’t worry.” She reassures me, and as much as I want to believe her, there is still a bit of doubt in my mind. She drives me home, and I invite her upstairs for dinner. She declines the offer and claims she has a dinner with a co-worker at 6pm. “Oh, have I ever met her?” “No you haven’t met him.” “OUU MOM!” I jump in her car from excitement. “Not like that, we’re going out to dinner to discuss a case we’re both working on.” I roll my eyes and kiss her cheek. I exit the car and watch her drive away. I enter the elevator and Giovanni runs as the doors begin to close- I hold them open, he smiles and thanks me. “I haven’t seen you in forever! I figured I’d see you around the bars and what not since I showed you the best places downtown.” “Yeah, I’ve just been so busy with the Holidays and what not.” “Very nice, how were they?” “Great actually! Andrew is even moving in!” “He didn’t live with you already?” I chuckle and shake my head. “Oh, sorry. Have any plans for tomorrow night? A lot of people in the building rented a hall to celebrate Valentine’s Day together.” “Oh, I’ll let Andrew know. Apparently he has plans for us, but I have no idea what they are!” “Okay, well I’m only a knock away, so let me know when you can. My daughter and I will be there too. You’re looking very happy today, very nice look on you.” I smile and thank him. We exit the elevator and he enters his apartment, whilst I enter mine. I place all of the chocolate and candy I purchased for Andrew in a red basket, and put the frog in the middle. I attach ribbons to the basket and hide it in my closet. I re-open my front door and place heart stickers and streamers on my door, making it look more festive. I then begin making dinner so that when Andrew arrives home, he’ll have a warm meal waiting for him. I prepare a salmon, along with a garden salad and asparagus. I open my wine cellar and take out a bottle of white wine, and place it on the table, and light the candles. The apartment looks so festive, and the meal looks like it’s from a catalogue. I am feeling very motivated and happy today for no particular reason.
Andrew enters the apartment with a bouquet of red roses and a smile on his face. “Valentine’s Day isn’t until tomorrow.” I say as I walk up to him. “I know, but you aren’t getting flowers tomorrow.” I smile, kiss him and take the roses and place them in a vase in the middle of the table. “Thank you baby.” He looks around the house. “Wow, you didn’t even buy a Christmas tree, but you decorated the place for Valentine’s Day.” I giggle. “It smells good!” “I made dinner.” We sit across from one another at the table enjoying our meal and speaking about his day, and mine. I tell him I went out with my mother and he tells me about how work was long and tiring. “So Giovanni told me that if we don’t have plans for tomorrow, we can go to a hall with a bunch of other people from the building.” “I told you we had plans.” “I told him that too.” He nods. “Your spa day is expiring soon, maybe you should go tomorrow.” “What? Why? I thought we’d spend the day together.” “I work in the afternoon, so I figured I’d drive you to the spa, go to work then pick you up afterwards.” “Okay, that sounds nice.” He smiles at me. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in the morning at 10am, and exit my bed quietly whilst Andrew is still asleep. I make heart shaped pancakes, put whipped cream on them, and pour a glass of strawberry milk and place the plate and cup on a tray. I then enter the bedroom again and call Andrew’s name softly. He opens his eyes slightly and sees me standing at the foot of the bed holding a tray. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” I say as he opens his eyes wider. He smiles and thanks me. I place the tray on his lap and he grabs my face with his hand and kisses me. “Go shower, you have a relaxing day ahead of you.” I smile and nod. I enter the bathroom, and shower quickly. When I exit the shower, Andrew is dressed and washing the dishes. “You didn’t have to!” “Well, it’s our place now, so we both have to contribute now.” I smile and get dressed. I wear black jeans and a dark red tank top. “Don’t wear makeup, it’ll come off at the spa!” Andrew calls from the kitchen as I brush my hair. I chuckle, because I almost didn’t realize that. When I am finished getting ready, we drive an hour until we arrive at the spa. We both enter, he tells them I had an appointment and I look at him confused. “I called yesterday whilst I was at work to book it.” I smile and thank him. We then kiss goodbye and he leaves. I spend the day being pampered with massages, facials, and Jacuzzi’s. I call Andrew when I enter the locker room telling him I am finished, and he says he’ll be here in an hour. I then get dressed again, take my hair out of the loose bun I made before getting my massage. My hair is in loose waves, and I pin a few strands at the front to the back. I then apply light makeup and a pink lipstick. I then wait for him outside, shivering. Despite the fact that I am wearing a large winter coat, I am still cold from the fact that I spent house in heat. He pulls up and exits the car. He opens the passenger side. “My lady.” He says as I enter. He then kisses my lips and shuts the door. We drive home speaking about my day at the spa, and I continuously thank him for the birthday present. He giggles each time I thank him and I take that as my sign to shut up. “So what are our plans for tonight?” “You’re so nosy, I like you better relaxed.” I laugh. “I am still very much relaxed. You might need to carry me up to the apartment, my legs are too relaxed to walk.” He laughs as we pull up to the parking lot. He opens my door and picks me up like a bride. I chuckle. “Put me down!” “Nope, you wanted to be carried, therefore, the princess will be carried.” I laugh hard enough that he almost drops me because I squirm so much. He puts me down in the elevator, and holds my hand. I open the front door, and am amazed. There are streamers and balloons all over the house. All red and pink. All of the candles I placed around the house yesterday are lit and all the lights are off. I begin to tear up from happiness. “Oh my god babe! When did you even have time to do this?” “I didn’t actually work today, but I needed you out of the house so I could do this.” I laugh and am afraid to take a step due to the amount of balloons. I open my bedroom door to put my purse in my bedroom, and my bed is covered in my favourite chocolates, along with a large stuffed monkey, a pack of pencils and a card. I then begin crying. “Why are you crying?!” Andrew says concerned. “This is just so perfect. It feels like a dream!” “I know the pencils aren’t that great, but I know how much you love writing, and they have hearts all over them.” I chuckle. “It’s all so perfect. You even got me a card!!” “Well, I figured I’d have to buy you a card eventually before you started buying yourself one and signing my name.” I chuckle and open it. The only writing in it is “I love you. Andrew.” With a heart beside his name. My stomach begins to feel butterflies and the tears recommence. I then notice a heart shaped tin on the foot of my bed. I open it and find 20 chicken nuggets. “NO YOU DID NOT!” I shout. “McDonald’s is your favourite, so why bother having a fancy dinner if you aren’t going to enjoy it as much as you will eating these?” I notice the monkey wearing fuzzy socks and point to them. “It’s a monkey version of you. I don’t think I have ever seen you wear normal socks. I pause for a moment and realize how lucky and grateful I am for Andrew. He pays attention to every little thing. I haven’t written anything in months, however, he still knows I love to write. He noticed that I don’t own a pair of non-fuzzy socks, and the fact that he got me my favourite meal, rather than the typical romantic Valentine’s Day dinner. He then taps my shoulder, and I wipe my tears. He hands me a box. I unwrap it and inside of the larger box, is a teal blue box labeled Tiffany & Co. “Oh my god.” He smiles as I open it. It’s a heart shaped pendant with I love you written all over it. I had always wanted this necklace, and have mentioned it once before to Andrew. I cannot believe he remembered. “This is all too much babe.” I grab his face and kiss him passionately. “My gifts are lame.” I confess feeling a tad embarrassed. “It’s a girl’s holiday baby.” He reassures me. I open my closet and hand him his basket. He seems very appreciative of the little gift I bought him. “Thank you so much Lily, I truly appreciate it. Now let’s go eat this McDonalds. I hate when the fries are cold.” We enter the kitchen and there are French fries on heart shaped plates, and he places 10 chicken nuggets on each plate. “I also got cookies from there.” I chuckle. “You really didn’t have to go all out babe.” “Anything for you.” I smile. We sit and eat, and glance at one another and smile every once in a while. We spend the remainder of the night watching romantic films cuddled on the couch under blankets. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the night. This is the most thoughtful anyone has ever been in my life, and it amazes me at how much Andrew truly does listen to me and notices little quirks. I have never felt so in love with one person as I do right now, and in this moment, I wish it could last forever. I hear Andrew’s breathing grow heavier, and he begins snoring. I listen to his heart beat over the loud noise, and begin to fall asleep.
I awake to the aroma of eggs and bacon. I sit up from the couch and look behind me. Andrew is in his boxers making breakfast. “Good morning beautiful.” He says with a smile on his face. “Mmm, morning.” I mumble, rubbing my eyes. Andrew’s cellphone begins to ring on the coffee table "Liz” I roll my eyes and take his phone off the coffee table. I walk to him and hand it to him; the smile on his face diminishes. I can’t help but think that they had some sort of an argument and that’s why he is no longer smiling. I haven’t heard much about her since his party, nor have I asked about her either. Andrew answers the phone and walks into the bathroom and closes the door. I, being curious, walks over to the bathroom door with my ear pressed against it. I hear faint mumbling. “I’m at Lily’s right now. Yeah…okay….in a bit…yeah…no I didn’t tell her yet….well no I’m not sure yet…” I walk away from the bathroom door and feel my anxiety level rise. I sit at the kitchen table sipping on freshly brewed coffee. I wait patiently for Andrew to finish his phone call, attempting to convince myself that whatever Andrew hasn’t told me yet, isn’t anything bad. He exits the bathroom and smiles at me nervously. I smile back and take another sip of my coffee. “Is breakfast almost done?” I ask him, hoping he mentions the phone call to me first. “Oh, uh, yeah, should be done by now! Sorry about that!” Andrew places our food on two plates and sets one in front of me. “So?” I say attempting to spark a conversation. Andrew looks up from his plate and smiles. “This is really good. I put nutmeg in the eggs, spice it up a bit.” “Yeah, I knew there was something different about them. A good different though.” “So uh, I have to speak to you about something.” I nod and take another bite of my food. I feel anxious again and very nervous for what is about to come. “Elizabeth and I were speaking the other day about taking a trip to Cuba.” My eyes widen after he speaks. “What?” “She has some family down there and she doesn’t want to go alone. Besides, I am sort of her best friend. It would only be for two weeks.” “So you just want to go on a vacation with some girl who likes you, instead of your girlfriend?” “Lily, you and I are going to living together very soon, we’ll be together every single day for the rest of our lives. Elizabeth is just going through a lot right now, and she needs someone, and a break from everything.” “So that’s what your phone call was about?” “Yeah it was. She wanted to know whether or not she should book it.” “What did you say?” “I told her yes. We’re going to be leaving in a week or so, and when I come back, I’ll make sure everything at my mom’s is already packed and ready for me to move into here.” I nod with no words to express how I’m feeling about the situation, and about the fact that he actually agreed to going with her, despite knowing how I feel about her. “You okay?” I nod and continue my breakfast. We sit in silence until I finish my meal and walk to my bedroom; leaving my dishes on the table. Andrew leaves his unfinished meal and follows me to the bedroom. “Okay, I know there’s something wrong because you didn’t put your dishes in the sink, and I know that gives you anxiety.” “Wow, you can pick up on things like that, but cannot pick up on why I’m upset.” Andrews face reddens and I can see he’s beginning to get frustrated. “I told you Lily-” I cut him off before we get into an argument. “No, I trust you Andrew, I really do. I’m just a little nervous about you going to a romantic place, getting drunk, and being with her for two weeks. You know, when you and I were wrapped up in one another for two months, we learnt how crazy we were about each other…I’m just scared.” Andrew approaches me, and lifts his hand to my face. I flinch my cheek as he touches it softly. “I love you.” I nod at Andrew’s words. “Just you. I know you’re scared, and you’ve been scared for so long, but I want you, and only you, for now and for forever.” He kisses my lips softly and I stare into his eyes when he pulls himself away. He no longer looks angry, but rather content. I kiss him, still feeling unsure of this situation, but attempting to forget about it. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. Chests pressed against each other, his warmth comforts me, making me crave him more. He grabs my a*s and I let out a soft moan. I push him on the bed and I lie on top of him, still kissing. He removes my bra then takes off my silk thong softly. I remove his boxers, struggling a tad because he barely lifts himself from the bed. We both giggle. He rolls on top of me, smiles then bites my bottom lip. He slowly inserts himself inside me and I gasp. He thrusts softly and moans “I love you”. I feel tears begin to swell up and I attempt to stop myself from crying. “I love you too.” I moan and begin to cry. Andrew notices and stops for a moment. “Are you okay?” I kiss him, reassure him that I’m okay, and we continue. He lets out one last moan and thrusts himself hard inside of me. He lies on top of me breathing hard. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He says to me whilst playing with my hair. “Yeah.” “So why were you crying during sex?” I shrug my shoulders and close my eyes, listening to his heartbeat. “Babe?” I don’t reply, I’m too busy concentrating on his heartbeat, too busy on trying to pretend everything is okay, that this whole situation isn’t fucked. He slowly pushes me off of his chest and gets out of bed, getting dressed. I open my eyes slightly and he notices right away. “I’m going to go to the gym is that’s okay.” I nod and smile. ----------------------------------------------------- I pace around my house attempting to calm down. I call Samantha and she answers on the second ring. “Hello?” “Sam, can you come over?” “Yeah, with a bottle of wine?” “I have plenty. How about whiskey?” She giggles and hangs up after saying she’ll be here in half an hour. In the meantime, I clean my house, get dressed and knock on Giovanni’s door. “Bella!” I smile and he gestures for me to come in. “We missed you at the hall! Cynthia kept asking if you were coming!” “Yeah I’m sorry! Andrew had some surprise plans. How was it?” “Really fun! My daughter seemed to have a blast. She’s still asleep, it’s the latest she’s been awake. Do you want something to drink?” “Oh no, I’m okay, I just wanted to come by to see how your Valentine’s Day was.” He smiles and begins speaking about how nicely decorated the hall was, and how everyone seemed so happy and in love. “I better get going, I have a friend who’s going to be here at any moment.” Giovanni nods and stands from the couch. “I got you something!” He says and heads into another room. He exits with a heart shaped box of chocolates. “Oh thank you so much, you really didn’t have to!” He smiles and me and hands it. “Open it.” I open it, and in every second hole where there’s supposed to be chocolate, it’s a nug of weed. I begin laughing. “I left you some chocolates in there for when you get the munchies.” “How did you know I smoke?” “I’m not stupid Lily, I can smell it from outside your house. Don’t worry, I do too, just don’t tell my daughter.” He begins laughing as do I. I thank him again then leave. ----------------------------------------------------- I roll a blunt whilst Samantha pours whiskey into two cups with ice. “So what’s going on boo?” She says when approaching the couch. I roll my eyes and shake my head. I light the blunt and take a large hit. I exhale, closing my eyes, feelings a tad more relaxed immediately. “Andrew is going away with Elizabeth.” “Wait…What?! Elizabeth Elizabeth?” I nod and take another hit. Samantha takes a large sip of her drink with her eyes widened. “Wow, what the f**k?” “I know. He tried ensuring me that everything is going to be fine and all that bullshit, but like no that isn’t okay.” “Did you tell him?” “I tried.” She shakes her head and hands me my drink. I pass her the blunt and take a sip of my whiskey, feeling the burning trickle down my throat. We’re listening to music on the speaker phones, dancing around, giggling and drinking. “What are you going to do?” Samantha slurs her words. I shrug my shoulders and continue dancing. “I don’t know! I’m going to pretend to be okay until he leaves. Then when he does leave, alcohol will be my best friend for two weeks.” “Is he going to have Wi-Fi?” “Yeah he’s staying at Elizabeth’s grandparents’ house, they have Wi-Fi’s and phones.” “That’s good! I’m sure he’ll talk to you every night.” I nod. ----------------------------------------------------- Andrew walks into the house four hours after he left, whilst Samantha and I are drunk, still dancing and singing. “Hello there ladies.” He says and chuckles when we turn around in shock. “Oh hi! How was the gym?” “What? Oh uh good!” “What else did you do?” Samantha chirps in. “Huh?” “Well, you went to the gym, but what else? I’ve been here for like four hours.” “Oh, uh, I met up with some lacrosse friends and we hung out.” Samantha and I both nod. “I better get going, I have stuff to do.” Samantha kisses my cheek and heads out the door quickly. “Is she going to be okay getting home?” I nod and look out the window, noticing her walking to the bus stop rather than her car. “Yeah, she’s taking the bus.” “So what day are you leaving for Cuba?” “In four days.” “Oh wow that’s soon.” “Mhm.” He walks into the bedroom and puts his gym bag on the ground. “I’m going to shower.” I nod and sit down on the couch rolling my eyes. When Andrew and I are getting along, we are fantastic, and I am so content with him, however, whenever there’s an issue, it’s almost like our relationship is a job. “When’s your next photo shoot?” Andrew calls from the bathroom. “Tomorrow morning.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” “You didn’t ask.” I stand from the couch and make myself another drink. I chug it quickly, gagging after I swallow it. “I’m going to sleep at my mom’s tonight if that’s okay. I need to start packing, and spending time with her before the move.” Andrew says when exiting the bathroom. “Okay.” He begins getting dressed and exits the bedroom with his gym bag in hand. He kisses my forehead and grabs a yogurt from the fridge. “Good luck for tomorrow’s shoot, I love you.” He heads out the door, making me feel a tad empty. I text Samantha. “He just left lol, literally came in to shower and then left.” I get a phone call almost immediately after sending the text message. “What an a*****e! Are you okay? Where is he going?” “His moms. I’m fine. Going to call it an early night.” “Lily, it’s not even 6pm yet!” We speak for a few more minutes and hang up. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in a panic, sweat dripping down my forehead whilst I try to catch my breath. A nightmare about Andrew and Elizabeth in Cuba �" together �" alone. I attempt to gather my thoughts whilst I dial Andrew’s phone number. 4:30am, I need to be awake in 2 hours for my photo-shoot, but couldn’t care at this moment. He answers with a raspy voice on the third ring. “Hello?! Lily, are you okay?” “Not really, no.” “What’s going on? What happened?” I used to love that Andrew was always so concerned but currently, I am more annoyed. Why would he care right now, but didn’t care about how I felt about him going away with another girl? “I’m very uncomfortable about you going away with Elizabeth.” “Babe, we already spoke about this, everything will be okay, stop worrying.” I sigh loudly and roll my eyes. If only things were that simple- ‘stop worrying’ HA. “I have to go, goodnight I love you.” He hangs up before I can say goodnight back or that I love him too. I lie in bed, staring at my alarm clock, watching the minutes go by slowly. I have a flashback to when Elizabeth told me she liked Andrew, and to what happened to me that night when I confronted Andrew. Strange how I was the one hurt, meanwhile Elizabeth sleeps comfortably in her bed with not one worry in the world. I don’t care what is going on in her life, she can take a vacation by herself, or speak to Andrew in this country. My anxiety level rises, and all I want is cocaine. I attempt to practice mindfulness skills, and they don’t seem to work. The only thing that would make me feel better besides cocaine is to cut myself. I know that I cannot cut myself due to the fact that I have a photo-shoot in a couple of hours and they will see the fresh wounds. I text my drug dealer asking for a set of weed and a gram of coke. I stand from bed and sit at my window, staring at the dark sky. Max arrives shortly later, and leaves once dropping it off to me. As relieved as I feel, I feel an instant wave of guilt. I shouldn’t have just purchased it, but I don’t know how else to comfort myself. I make 4 fat and long lines on my coffee table and smile at the white powder. I snort the lines quickly after one another and instantly feel a buzz. The drips come shortly after, so I roll a blunt quickly to get rid of the taste in my mouth. I put on jeans and a sweater and sit outside on my balcony and spark the blunt. After two minutes, I begin to get too cold, therefore I go back inside. I watch cartoons on television whilst smoking the blunt. I peer at the clock �" 5:20am. I stand and begin to get ready for the long day ahead of me. I turn on my coffee machine and put on a loose t-shirt. I brush my knotted hair and tie it up in a tight ponytail. I look at myself in the mirror, and I almost don’t recognize the person staring back. Her eyes are dark and sunken in, almost like she hasn’t slept in weeks. I want to apply makeup on before going out in public, but also know that I’m not allowed to because the makeup artist will put plenty on me once I get there. I splash water on my face in hopes that will make me not only look more alive, but feel it as well. The coffee machines beeps, letting me know my coffee is ready. I pour myself a cup, followed by a mug �" one for now, and one for on my commute there. I sit back on my couch with 20 minutes to spare. I look down at the cocaine and decide a few more lines will wake me up. I snort and sip my coffee, feeling a tad better. Andrew hasn’t crossed my mind once since getting off the phone with him. I wait for the bus, shivering, without any feeling in the hand that holds my cigarette. It’s three minutes late, which will make me just on time for the photo-shoot if the bus comes at any second. I check my phone several times, anxiously, hoping that Andrew will call or text me. I would love to be snorting lines right now, in my warm house, but sadly not everything works out the way you’d like it to. The bus finally arrives, 7 minutes late, which will make me late for the photo-shoot, which I am positive they will not be content with. ----------------------------------------------------- When it’s over, I leave wearing the jeans and t-shirt I came in, however, my hair is pin straight, and I have a purple smoky eye with purple lipstick on. I leave with a smile on my face, feeling content with how it went, and relieved that I am now going home. I am also exhausted and saddened by the lack of texts and/or calls Andrew sent me �" a grand total of 0. I sit on the bus with my eyes closed and my head pressed against the cold window inhaling deeply, attempting not to fall asleep on my route home. I finally get to my stop and to my surprise, see Samantha waiting at the bus stop. “What are you doing here?” “Oh wow, I was actually just about to go home…My car broke down earlier today, and I came to visit you, but noticed you weren’t home.” “Photo-shoot.” “Oh it’s true! How was it?” We walk back to my apartment whilst I explain how it went and what the photos were for. We enter my home and right away Samantha walks over to the island in my kitchen and pours us two glasses of scotch on the rocks. She smiles at me. “We’re going to become alcoholics as we age.” I giggle and nod as she hands me a drink. “Yeah, but the classy alcoholics.” I roll my eyes and lift my glass to cheers her. She sits on my living room couch and notices the bag that contains white powder. “You little b***h!” She squeals and I almost run to the couch. “I told you, don’t do any without me! Besides I thought you were done with this s**t.” She looks confused, but pours some out on the table, making 4 lines; two each. “Yeah, I bought it yesterday, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t go today dead.” “Yeah, yeah.” She snorts two lines then hands me the rolled up $5 bill. I snort the lines and chug the scotch. “Got any weed? I bought some blunts in hopes you’d have.” “When do I not have?” I giggle and open the drawer underneath the coffee table. We watch some reality T.V shows whilst drinking, not saying much to one another, with the occasional, ‘do you want to roll?’ or ‘another line?’ until she finally speaks. “What’s going on with Andrew?” I shrug my shoulders and roll my eyes whilst exhaling deeply. “I don’t know. He claims he loves me, and cares about how I feel, but clearly not enough that he’s still going with her, that he doesn’t see anything wrong with it.” “Didn’t you tell him that she likes him?” “Yeah, that night, don’t you remember, we argued about it?” “Oh yeah I do.” I nod, keeping out the fact that he slapped me across the face hard enough to knock me on the ground. The thought makes me feel nauseous, and I walk to the bathroom quickly thinking I’m going to vomit. Luckily I don’t, however, the thought still will not subside. “He hasn’t even called me today.” I say when returning to the living room. “Have you tried calling him?” I shake my head and Samantha laughs. “Well, why don’t you try then?” I nod and dial his number. No answer. “I can get Steven to call him, and ask him to hang out or something, see what’s up?” I shake my head. We speak about her relationship with Steven until we realize we have no more cocaine left. “I’ll buy.” Samantha says holding the bag up in the air. I giggle, nod, and grab our empty glasses, and pour vodka straight. “There’s no more scotch or whiskey. Sorry.” “Anything to mix this s**t with?” Samantha laughs and looks in the fridge. She pours orange juice in the glass, and offers to pour me some as well. I decline. She receives a phone call from Steven after getting off the phone with Max, leaving me alone in the living room whilst she speaks in the bathroom. My mind begins racing as quickly as my heart is. I can’t get the situation out of my mind, I simply cannot. These two weeks will be the longest two weeks I could possibly endure. He isn’t even gone yet, and I am already a nervous wreck. “I have to go, Steven said he found a mechanic for my car. He’ll be here in a few minutes. Here’s the money for the blow, keep it, and don’t do it until I see you next.” She winks at me and grabs her purse. I hug her goodbye and wait patiently for Max to arrive. When he finally does, I offer to smoke him up on a joint, in hopes that I can forget temporarily about Andrew. Unfortunately, being with Max makes me only want to be smoking with Andrew more, to be lying with him on this couch, giggling and enjoying one another’s presence. We sit, barely speaking until he brings up Andrew. "Are you two still dating?" He asks when noticing the photo-frame that holds a picture of Andrew and I from months ago. I nod my head taking a large toke off the spliff. "Cool, it's been how long?" "Months." "But you don't know exactly how long? I think you're the first girl to ever not know the exact amount of days or months." I chuckle and exhale. "Yeah, well, never been one of those girls." I lie. With Timothy, I knew exactly how long we were together, down to the hours, however, with Andrew, it's almost as if we've been together for years, just not labeled. When the joint is done, Max leaves, leaving me alone with my thoughts. ----------------------------------------------------- I sit on the couch, debating on snorting more coke, but I also know that if I do, coming down is going to be worse than it already is. I flip through channels, not being able to concentrate because the only thing on my mind is Andrew. Him and her lying on the beach, laughing over a few drinks, getting closer, getting to know one another better. Elizabeth has her s**t together unlike I do, she's prettier, smarter, possibly funnier, and by far less fucked up. Once the thoughts escalate, I pour out the powder on the coffee table and make as many lines as it permits me. "Okay, just a couple. Not all at once." I repeat to myself, as if I need to remind myself that I cannot end up back in the hospital. After 5 lines I feel high enough to clean my house, followed by doing a small work out. I sit on the yoga mat, staring out of the window in my bedroom, overlooking the city. It's such a beautiful place, however, why do I feel like I don't belong? I have never felt a sense of belonging anywhere but in Andrew's arms. I suppose that's my fatal flaw - I depend on him in a sense that without him, I am not sure who I am, where I belong. They say home is where your heart is - but my home is in a boys hands who claims to love me, a boy who's hands aren't all to steady and that petrifies me because what happens when his hands shake far too much, or when my heart is too heavy to hold - what happens if he leaves again....when he leaves again? I will be left feeling empty, feeling a void, feeling like I have been for years without him. I never have been one to depend on others, but rather depend on items to fill the emptiness I have felt my whole life, and now that there is someone in my life who is safer than those items, someone who loves me better than I love myself, I depend. I dial Andrew's number and on the first ring I hang up. I realize to call him is a stupid idea considering how high I am, besides, if he wanted to speak to me, he would have called. What is he doing that is so much more important than calling me, or even a text saying hi, or goodnight. It's 11:37pm and I can't help but think that he's out with friends, including Elizabeth, having a marvelous time. I decide to stop feeling sorry for myself and fix myself up. I fix my now smudged makeup, and brush my hair. I then put on a black circle skirt with black thigh highs and a long sleeve white shirt with a black sweater. I snort the rest of the blow and grab my jacket and purse. I stand inside the elevator impatiently and get myself out a cigarette so that when I exit the building I can smoke immediately. I walk aimlessly down the streets of the city center not quite sure where I want to go. Once I begin getting too cold, I enter a bar and sit on a stool - I order a gin and tonic. Someone touches my shoulder and I almost jump out of my seat. "Hey you." Timothy says. I exhale deeply, feeling calm knowing that it isn't a stranger. "Seat taken?" He points to the stool next to me, I shake my head and he sits. "You waiting for Andrew?" I shake my head again and pay for my drink. "Waiting for someone?" I shake my head again, remaining silent. "What's wrong? Why so quiet?" "Let's dance." We both stand and walk towards the other strangers dancing. I lean in and whisper in Timothy's ear "have any drugs on you? I don't feel like calling Max." I smile then sip my drink. He nods and goes into his pocket. He pulls out a small bag and hands it to me. "Leave me one, you can have the rest." I look down at the four pills "what are they?" "You'll find out." He smiles and I giggle. I walk to the bar, order myself a scotch on the rocks and head towards the bathroom. I swallow all three pills at once then walk back to Timothy. "How much do I owe you? Nothing, just gotta let me crash on your couch tonight, my mom will kill me if I come home fucked again." I giggle and nod. ----------------------------------------------------- We stumble along the streets, laughing at nothing, and I feel better than I have in my life. "What was this? I don't think I have ever done this before." I look up at the stars and spin around with my arms open. Timothy laughs hard "MDMA, better than you've ever had eh?" I nod and begin to laugh hard enough that I sit in the snow on the sidewalk. "You also took three which amplifies it obviously." And cocaine, but I leave that bit out. He extends his hand and lifts me from the ground. "How much further until your house I'm starting to get cold." "Cold? Really? It's like boiling out here." I unzip my jacket and smile widely. "I've never seen you like this, so happy, so alive." "So free." I say. "Yeah, free, very free." I laugh and begin to run. "Come on!" We run until we reach my apartment, both catching our breath at the door. "That was fun!" I say whilst unlocking the front door. We enter my apartment and Timothy heads straight to the couch. "What's this?" He lifts the bag that contains white residue. "Was coke." "What? You're on three pills of molly, cocaine and alcohol?" I nod and smile taking off my jacket. "Are you f*****g stupid?" Timothy's voice raises. "Let's smoke, you have to chill out." I jump over the couch and sit beside Timothy, getting out the weed from the drawer. "Can you roll? My hands are too shaky." "Damn, that's when you know you're too high, when you decline to roll." I laugh hysterically as if that was the funniest thing I had ever heard. Whilst he rolls, I lie on my couch with my eyes open, smiling, enjoying every bit of life. Andrew doesn't cross my mind once, nor does Elizabeth. It's almost as if they don't exist. As if I am in my own world by myself, with Timothy as a guest, and I love this feeling. "Wow." Timothy looks at me. "Wow what?" He says looking up at the ceiling. "Everything is just so lovely." He begins to laugh after I speak. "I'm going to change. Do you want sweatpants or something?" He nods and I walk into my bedroom. I check my phone, 1 missed call from Andrew. I laugh and shut my phone off. He will not ruin this wonderful high I have going on. I exit wearing a large t-shirt and sweatpants. "Here you go." I say handing Timothy an extra pair. He waves the joint and then sparks it. When he passes me the joint, he removes his jeans, leaving him in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. "Uh..." I say mildly confused. "Don't worry I'm putting on the sweatpants." I chuckle and pass back the joint. "So how are you and Andrew doing?" "Well, pretty well." "You hesitated." "He's going away with this girl Elizabeth for two weeks to Cuba." I trail off, attempting to shake the thought of them two together. "And you're worried?" "Yeah! She told me flat out she liked him, and no matter how many times I tell him, he seems to brush it off and play it like I'm nuts." "He's so stupid. I'm sure nothing is going to happen down there though." "How can you be so sure?" "Lily, any guy would be more than blessed to have you as their girlfriend, and I don't think Andrew is stupid enough to let go of the most perfect woman I have ever laid eyes on." I blush and giggle. "I am far from perfect." "You're right, you're not perfect, but nothing in this world is perfect. There's no such thing, but you're the closest thing to perfect I have ever seen." "Thanks." He shakes his head. "I know you don't believe me, and I know you never have, but I say this as a friend, not as anything else, you are beautiful, kind, caring, generous and everything someone should be. Lily, I've seen you bend over backwards for people who have treated you like s**t, still with a smile on your face, asking for no reward for being a decent human being, but yet, you still do so much, and see such little bad in people. You are so wonderful, and I am almost certain Andrew knows that." ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in the early afternoon and sit up from the couch, just inches away is Timothy sleeping peacefully. I feel regret and guilt for having him over, for even speaking to him knowing how terribly Andrew reacted to him just being at a party. Although nothing happened between Timothy and I last night, I still feel ashamed. I gently push his leg off the couch in hopes it wakes him up- it does. "Good morning." I smile. "Fun night eh?" I nod. "Yeah, I know, I should get going." "It's not that I don't want you here..." I trail off in hopes he'll say it's okay. "Yeah, no I get it - Andrew." I nod again and he chuckles. "It was great to see you again, don't be a stranger." I smile as he stands from the couch. He then leaves and I feel less guilty. I shower to rid myself of last night, hoping to feel a tad better than I a currently due to downing from the drugs so hard. Whilst in the shower, I go over Timothy's words over and over again. "You are so wonderful, and I am almost certain Andrew knows that." That phrase remains in my head...Does he really? Does he think I am a good human being? Does he know how much I would do for him? Does he take advantage of that? The beginning of our relationship, he did so much for me, to keep me surprised and happy, and now it's almost like comfort has overtaken all of the spontaneous stuff. I exit the shower feeling worse than I already did. I decide that today is going to be a day solely for myself and pampering. I start by applying a face-mask, then painting my nails and toes. I apply body lotion all over my body and make myself some oatmeal. When I'm finished eating, I remove the face mask and decide I am going to shop. I get dressed wearing yoga pants and a knit sweater. I leave my house without my cellphone and feel liberated to not have it on me, to not worry about who will call, who will text, who will care enough to see what I am doing. I sit on the bus with my eyes shut listening to all of the noise going on around me. There's a baby crying, a woman on her cellphone, pages being turned, the bus stopping then going, cars honking. I have never noticed all of these noises before, however, not having any music in my ears, and being completely calm has allowed me to be at one with my surroundings. I walk around the mall, uncertain as to what I am shopping for. I stop at a candle store and purchase 100 scented candles, all different shapes and sizes, and instantly I feel a tad happier. I then roam around and find other items for my apartment such as a small rug to place in my bedroom, some incense and a few paintings. I then decide to shop for clothes. I look through several stores before finding a pair of boyfriend jeans I enjoy. I feel rather content with my purchases and get myself a smoothie. I walk around for a bit longer then get back on the bus and go home. When I get off the bus I see Andrew standing at the door ringing my doorbell. "Hey." "Where have you been? I've been calling you non-stop." "I went out shopping." I wave the bags in the air and then unlock the front door. He holds it open for me whilst I unlock the second door. We stand in the elevator in silence waiting to arrive to the apartment. "So what did you get?" He asks when we enter. I smile and place the bags on the kitchen table and begin to take items out one by one. "Candles, incense, this rug, a pair of jeans." "You didn't answer your phone for 5 hours and that's all you bought?" "Yeah, I left my phone here and it took me a while to find these jeans, and I wanted some time to myself." "Didn't you have that yesterday?" I shake my head. "Oh, well what did you do?" I roll my eyes, slightly annoyed because I had a photo-shoot which I told him about. "I had a photo-shoot, hung out with Samantha." "Oh right, how did it go? What did they make you wear?" "It was good, mainly jeans and shirts, my makeup was pretty cool." We speak a tad about my time with Samantha, obviously excluding the drugs and me seeing Timothy afterwards. "So are you excited to go away?" I ask. "Yeah I am. It's going to be fun." ----------------------------------------------------- We don't speak much the entire time he is over whilst we are awake. We watch films on television and make small talk every now and then about a movie, an actor or something like such. "I'm going to go to bed." I say standing from the couch at 11pm. "We didn't even eat Lil." "Oh s**t, yeah sorry I ate late," I lie "I can make you something now if you want." He shakes his head. "No go to bed, I'll make something if I'm hungry later. You don't want to eat?" I shake my head and walk into my bedroom. "Are you okay?" He calls out from the living room. I ignore his question and get undressed and light several candles. I lie in bed with my curtains open, staring outside at the dark sky and lit up buildings. I truly admire living in the city center. He enters the room moments later. "Oh, the candles look really nice lit up in here." I nod gently, with my eyes still looking outside. "Are you okay?" I nod again. He lifts the covers and lies down, with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head on my shoulder. He kisses my cheek gently and asks me again if I'm okay. I nod again, not wanting to take my eyes off of the window, not wanting to turn to him and have to lie straight to his face. I am not okay. I haven't been feeling like myself recently, I don't recognize the person in the mirror, and to top it all off, my boyfriend is going on vacation with another girl. No I am not f*****g okay - but I can't tell him any of that. "You've been quiet all night baby." He whispers in my ear. "I don't want to talk okay?" I attempt to say in the nicest way I possibly could, in hopes he doesn't get offended, but not to my surprise at all, he does in fact feel offended by this comment. "What the f**k did I do?!" He removes himself from me, and almost pushes me off the bed in the process. "You didn't do anything, I just don't want to talk about how I'm feeling okay?" I remain calm, attempting not to cry because I am at the point where the slightest thing will make salted tears roll down my cheeks. "What the f**k is wrong with you? First you ignore my calls, then you ignore me all night then don't tell me what's wrong? I'm going away in a couple of days and here you are ignoring me. Do you not want to see me before I go?" I shake my head and begin to cry softly. I wipe my tears before rolling over to face him. "It isn't you. I'm just not feeling well okay?" "You seemed perfectly f*****g fine when you were showing me what you bought, you seemed to have a perfect day today shopping." I see the anger build up in him and I just want to shout on the top of my lungs "what don't you understand?" but I can't because that will truly set him off. "I don't feel good, I haven't all day and that's why I went shopping, to make myself feel better." He lifts me from the bed by grabbing my shoulders and looks straight into my eyes. "Well what is wrong?" He says almost shaking me to get an answer out of me. "I don't know! That is why I don't want to talk about it okay? I don't know why I am feeling this way okay?!" I shout whilst crying because I have had enough of this conversation. He throws me on the ground rather than back on the bed; my body slams hard on the wood floor. I remain lying on the ground in shock and in pain. Andrew storms out of the room and pours himself a glass of scotch. I stand slowly, and walk gently into the kitchen staring at him, whilst still crying. "Stop your f*****g crying all the time." I wipe the tears from my face and instead of feeling hurt or sad anymore, I feel nothing but rage. I grab a vase from the island in the kitchen and throw it at the fridge, watching it shatter in a million pieces next to Andrew. "I am so f*****g tired of you treating me like I am a piece of s**t!" I yell, continuing to cry. He storms up to me and slaps me across the face. "Do you realize that could have f*****g hit me?" I nod. "Yeah, and if I wanted it to hit you, I would've aimed for you, not the fridge. Get the f**k out of my house. GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT." I scream over and over again until he smacks me again, but this time harder. "I SAID GET THE F**K OUT! I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" "I dare you." He says with a smirk on his face. I turn away from him, my cheek throbbing in pain, and walk towards my bedroom to grab my cellphone. Although I wouldn't actually call the police on him, I want to make it clear that he cannot hurt me physically without at least a threat being there about legal actions occurring. He tackles me to the ground when opening my bedroom door again. I smack my face on the ground when he tackles me; like a football player would tackle the opponent with the ball. "You dared me." I say attempting to remain calm whilst in immense pain. He wraps his fingers around my throat and tightens his grip every few seconds, making it more and more difficult to breathe. "You are just like my father. A worthless piece of s**t." I say to him, no longer crying, but rather shocked with the realization that perhaps my father was as sweet as Andrew at the beginning of his and my mothers relationship. That perhaps, my father wasn't always the monster I remember him to be. Perhaps he was just a boy who fell in love and that made him angry. This makes Andrew more angry and he chokes me more until my face turns pink and the tears begin to pour out. "I can't breathe. I can't breathe." I cry out, pleading for him to stop. All of a sudden, I watch his eyes go from a dark grey to a beautiful blue again. He lets go of me and looks down at his hands. He begins to sob uncontrollably. "Oh my god, Lily, I am so f*****g sorry, oh my god." I lie on the floor, whilst he remains sitting on top of me, crying so hard that I think he might faint. "Please get out of my house Andrew." "I don't even know what just happened, oh my god, please forgive me, Lily, please." He cries, begs, pleads, but doesn't remove himself from me. "Please get out." He stands and helps me up from the ground. He gently removes the hair from my face and looks at my cheek followed by my neck. He continues to apologize, however, I remain to ignore the apologies, and can only feel the physical pain. "Andrew, get out." He doesn't move an inch, so I walk into my bedroom, lock the door and call Steven. "Lily?" "Hey, I need you to come get Andrew please." "What? What's going on?" "Please don't tell Samantha but I need you to come now please." He hangs up and says he is on his way. I unlock the door to Andrew still crying, sitting on the floor. "Who did you just call?' The tears suddenly stop, almost as if it was all just a show. "No one. Please get out Andrew. I am asking nicely, please." "You deserved what I did to you. You're a f*****g liar." "Oh, because I don't want to tell you who the f**k I called using my cellphone?" I begin to get angry again and feel the resentment build inside. "Yeah, well, I was right, you are my father." This makes Andrew angry again, and he grabs the closest item next to him; a bottle of wine. He smashes it on the ground, watching it shatter, with pieces flying everywhere. "THIS ISN'T YOUR HOUSE YOU CANNOT DESTROY THINGS THAT AREN'T YOURS!" I shout, feeling as angry as I have ever been. The first time Andrew ever laid hands on me, I was petrified, however, in this moment, all I want to do is everything he already did to me. I shove him, yelling at him to get out, however, every time I push him, he pushes me back, just harder. "You make my life a disaster." I yell at him, hoping to hurt him emotionally, because clearly I physically cannot hurt him. I hear a knock on my door, then it opens - Steven standing in utter shock at the situation. My face is swollen, red, filled with tears, my neck contains red marks which will be bruised. There is shattered glass in the kitchen and hallway, as well as Andrew and I pushing each other yelling. "What is going on?" Steven says calmly with his eyes widened. Andrew moves away from me immediately and look towards Steven. "Why are you here?" "Lily called me to get you out of here. What the f**k is going on?" Andrew shoves Steven aside and walks out of the apartment, and Steven remains at the door. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, thank you Steven, I owe you big time." "What happened?" "Whatever Andrew tells you is what happened." I smile and nod. Steven enters and hugs me then leaves, shutting the door behind him. I sit in the hallway, sobbing at what just happened. How could I forgive him after this? It's almost like he didn't realize what he had done, almost like a switch, one minute he was angry, the next, hurt, then the next angry again. I cannot grasp what just occurred. I now know, that I will not be seeing him until he gets back from vacation, nor do I have any desire to see him afterwards either. I lie on the cold floor, with my heated face pressed against the wood, letting it cool down. I remove my bra and underwear and lie naked, with no tears left, not feeling anything at all, but rather completely numb. At first I think about calling my drug dealer for some blow, then I think about the next best thing - cutting. However, after some debate between the two, I decide on neither. I realize that by giving into such terrible habits, I am essentially giving Andrew everything he wants. He wants to see me hurt, he wants to show me that without him I am weak, that I am nothing. But I am more than just his girlfriend, I am more than the broken girl, I am someone who is slowly beginning to learn my worth, and being hurt like this, is not what I deserve. All of a sudden, I feel an immense amount of guilt. Not towards Andrew, but towards myself, for what I have been putting myself through. I have been slowly killing myself, trying to save everyone else. What happens if I were dead? What happens if I were to just die, would everyone fall apart? Am I the band-aid holding so many people together, making them happier than they thought they were? If I were to end it all, it would truly take away all the pain, once and for all - the pain I cause, the pain others cause, and the pain I can't seem to deal with without a self destructive method. I stand from the cold floor, trembling a tad, my mind is blurry, and there's still glass shattered in two places. I enter my bedroom, put on a robe, and draw myself a bubble bath. Whilst the water fills the tub, I pick up the shards of glass in the kitchen and hallway. I shake my head as I throw away the pieces. It's insane how long you can know someone, know all of their secrets, but never truly know them at all. I considered him a best friend, and after that, a lover, however, after tonight, after this relationship with him, it seems as if we're more strangers than we ever were before. I lie inside the bathtub, with classical music playing, attempting to drown out my thoughts. I drink from a bottle of cheap wine, and ponder. What am I going to do? Andrew goes away in a couple of days for two weeks, and I have no idea where we stand, or what I want to do. Do I want to stay with him, move past what happened tonight, and work on our faults? Or leave him, and leave everything we ever had behind? When I finish the bottle of wine, I attempt to stand from the bath, but almost topple over. I cannot call Samantha, otherwise she will know everything that just happened. I cannot call my mother for the same reason. I am left with no one to help me, no one to turn to. I have to make some of the biggest decisions in my life, and I can't confine in anyone. That's when the tears begin to hit me; just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore. I sit in the bathtub sobbing, barely able to breathe, when there's a knock on my door, followed by someone entering. "Bella?" "Oh, I'm in the bath." I attempt to stop crying, but it seems almost impossible. Giovanni knocks on my bathroom door then asks if he can enter. I lie in my bath, covering every single part of me, except my nose up with bubbles. "I heard a lot of noise before, I just wanted to make sure you were okay." I smile at his kindness, but it doesn't stop me from crying. "What happened?" "I got into a fight with my boyfriend, a really bad one, and I don't know if we're going to be together after this." "You know, he is a great guy from the looks of it, but I hear you cry a lot, and when you first moved in, there was a glow to you, and it's slowly disappeared. I don't know if that's from him, or just life, but, you seemed to be a lot happier then, than you are now." "Well, our first few months together was great. We have been friends for years on top of it, but it seems like, recently, we've been having more bad days than good ones, and it's like we've become strangers." He shakes his head, "Bella, you need to do what's best for you, not for anyone else. Think of yourself for once." I smile and thank him. "I must go back home, I was watching Desperate Housewives." I begin to laugh, and he walks himself out. I feel a tad better after speaking to Giovanni, it's almost like he's an uncle to me. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake in the morning at 7:31am and get out of bed, put on yoga pants and a t-shirt, tie my hair up then look in the mirror. I notice bruises on my neck and face. I want to go to the gym, but cannot let anyone see this. I scrummage through my bathroom drawers, attempting to find waterproof foundation. When I finally do, I apply a very heavy coat until the bruises seem like they are gone. I tie up my running shoes, put on my jacket and head out the door. I sit on the bus listening to classical music. I am not usually one to listen to this genre, however, music now a days is all about love, breakups, a boy, a girl or money, and quite frankly, I don't want to hear about any of that today. When I finally arrive at the gym, I begin an intense workout. I do not take one break during the two hours that I am there. When I am done, I am famished, so I decide that I want to go for a salad. I dial the number, my hands trembling, however, I need answers, and answers in a public area where I cannot be yelled at, or hit. The phone rings three times, then it goes to voice-mail. I hang up, and call again - after the second ring, there is finally an answer. "Hey, I need to see you. Now, for lunch. I know you're on break at lunch, and well, it's now or never, and unless you really do want to lose me in your life, I suggest you see me. I'm going to be at Mandy's, it's salad only, so you'll have to eat healthy. Anyway, I'm going to be there until 1pm. I'm at the gym currently so I'll only be there for 12, don't be early." I hang up the phone before giving him a chance to speak, and for the first time in my life, I feel like I have been heard, and I feel so relieved. I shower at the gym quickly, change, then blow-dry my hair. I then take the bus to the salad restaurant and wait. I order a chicken ceaser salad and eat it slowly. The time passes by very slowly - I look up at the clock thinking 10 minutes have passed by, but in reality, it's only been 1 or 2 minutes. The door finally opens, I turn and see him standing there. "Hi Lily." He says firmly then sits. "Hi dad." "What an odd surprise." "Yeah well, I figure you are my dad, I guess I should see how you're doing, considering the adult here is clearly me. Oh yeah, by the way, my apartment is great, yeah I'm doing really well. I'm even thinking about going back to school. I model now as well, part-time really. How's life treating you?" "I didn't have to come here you know, I chose to." "Wow, father of the decade, really, truly, great job, you have finally showed up to something." "I'm doing very well actually. I'm in anger management classes, I am seeing a new lady friend, I have renovated the cottage up north, which I am sure your mother has told you, is where I am living. Why am I here?" "Wow, new lady friend, cannot say I am surprised. You're here because I needed to ask you a few things." "Carry on." He says looking at his watch. "Well, for starters, are you still doing cocaine?" He looks at me shocked, and I can see his anger build up rather quickly - quicker than Andrews has ever built up before. "Oh so I take that as a yes. Okay, next, why are you only doing anger management now? Didn't that thought occur to you back when I was born. maybe even before that? Also, why stay married for so long, if you truly hate your wife and child? Was I a mistake?" "I didn't do anger management back then, because I never needed it. I stayed for convenience , and no you weren't a mistake." "Okay, great, yeah, okay so based on today's lack of effort, I suppose we are done here, and I guess it was stupid of me to think that I could ever really salvage our relationship. I mean, who needs a father anyway right? I'm sure your new girlfriend doesn't even know about me." He shakes his head, but remains silent. I chuckle and leave. I chainsmoke on the way to the bus stop, and whilst waiting for the bus. When I finally get home, I sit in my bedroom, staring at the beautiful view. It is something I will never and could never get tired of. It's the one thing that makes me want to stay in my apartment, that makes me want to live here for a little while longer. I cook myself a chicken salad at 6:30pm, and sit on the couch flipping through channels. It's the first time in a while I am completely alone with my thoughts, my sober thoughts. I settle on HGTV and check my phone repetitively. Almost as if I'm expecting a call from Andrew - I suppose I've become accustomed to apologies right after a fight, or a text, but I haven't heard from him since he left my house with Steven. I shut off my phone and pour myself a glass of wine. After one glass, I decide I don't want to get drunk, I want to remain sober, and in control of myself and thoughts. I lie down on the couch and drift off into a deep sleep. ----------------------------------------------------- I awake at 10:30am - a total of 12 hours of sleep, and I feel great. I woke up feeling refreshed, with a clear mind. I get out of bed, put on a baggy t-shirt and stretch. I throw on a pair of black sweatpants, go to the bathroom, cover the bruises and head to the gym. I wait for the bus chain smoking, when a car pulls up and rolls it's window down. "Hey sweetie! How are you? Where are you going?" "Oh, hi mom, I was going to the gym." I throw the cigarette on the ground when she offers to drive me. "How have you been?" "Good, pretty busy, you?" "Yeah, me too. Works been long, but I start late today, I'm headed to the office now." When she pulls up to the front of the gym she hugs me "you look sad dear, and tired. You don't look like you've been good." I smile and attempt to reassure her that I've just been very busy with looking for a job. I get out of the car quickly and begin working out immediately. I work my legs for an hour then arms for another hour - on which I decide I deserve a protein shake for that workout. I sit on the bus with my eyes closed, listening to trance. It's amazing how beautiful music can be with no lyrics. I walk into my apartment and notice it's now 1:15pm and Andrew's flight leaves in 3 hours. I'm unsure as to whether or not I should text or call him, wish him a safe flight. I still do love him, very much, but I cannot go through what my mother did, what I went through - I refuse to be hurt again. It's almost like Andrew is two different people, there's one side whom is sweet, sensitive, caring, spontaneous, and there's another side, a dark side whom is violent, angry and hurtful. I shower and play loud music to drown my thoughts about him. I take a 45 minute shower, get out, apply lotion all over my body and put on my favourite white lace lingerie. I check my phone - no new notifications. I lie in my bed for another hour until I decide to get dressed - leggings, a hoodie and my hair in loose waves, hidden behind a beanie. I sit on my couch and call Samantha. "Hey babe, are you busy?" "Uh well I'm on my way to Stevens." "Oh okay." "Why what's up?" "I wanted to go to the airport to say bye to Andrew." "Oh yeah, Steven told me about your fight, what happened? All he said was that there was a lot of yelling." "It was stupidity, don't worry, I'm fine." "Okay, I'll come pick you up, drop you off and I'll go to Stevens after." "No you don't have to!" She hangs up after I speak. I get a text shortly after saying she's outside, I grab my purse and jacket and run down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. I get inside her car and thank her several times. "Can I smoke in here?" "Yeah, you got one for me?" I hand Samantha a cigarette and begin to feel anxious. "I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing. We haven't spoken since he left with Steven." "Babe, you two are dating, you're in love, I'm sure whatever happened can be fixed, and I'm sure you going to say goodbye to your boyfriend will be fine!" She rolls her eyes then giggles. When we arrive at the airport I stand outside and smoke a cigarette, gaining the courage to enter and see Andrew - and Elizabeth. I have an hour before his plane takes off, so I decide to enter and locate him. I walk slowly when I see him from afar. My anxiety level rises to a high when I see Andrew smiling and laughing with Elizabeth, seeing him so happy, when I am so miserable. As I get closer, he notices me, stands and walks towards me quickly. "Lily." He says firmly when standing two feet away from me. "Hey, I just wanted to tell you to have a safe flight." "You came all the way here to tell me that when you could have just called or texted me?" "Oh uh, yeah. Okay, I guess I'll go, sorry it was stupid." "No, Lily, wait that's not what I meant. I just mean, you know, you came all the way here." I nod and feel my body fill up with tears - not just from sadness, but also filled up with anger. How could one boy be so mean to me, so violent, but I feel so much love for him at the same time. "I just came to say be safe, don't be stupid." I look at Elizabeth, which makes Andrew roll his eyes. "I love you Lily." "I don't want to hear that right now. Just be safe okay, text me when you land so I know you're okay." "Okay." I hug him, and he kisses my forehead, pulling me closer to him. I smell his cologne, and feel his fast heartbeat against my chest. "I have to go." I say breaking the hug. "Okay." I smile and repeat "okay." I then walk back outside and the tears begin to pour down my face. I decide to take a taxi home, instead of humiliating myself on public transit whilst crying. ----------------------------------------------------- I lie in my bed smoking a blunt, feeling completely empty inside. I don't know what I want anymore - I want Andrew, but not with the anger. I want Andrew but not with Elizabeth. I have no one to turn to, no one to speak about this to. After 6 blunts and a bottle of wine, I began to listen to music. I think about Andrew and Elizabeth, and how they must be enjoying themselves right now, on a plane together, going to a beautiful place together, getting drunk together, being together. A part of me wants him to sleep with her because that will make my decision a lot easier than it is now. I want to leave him to show him I will not deal with being hurt, however, if I leave him, that's it for him and I - forever. I watch from my bed as the sky gets darker, and I get lonelier. I check my phone to see if Andrew has landed safely yet. I check Facebook, followed by twitter, aimlessly looking through peoples tweets and statuses. I go to dial Samantha's number, then remember she's with Steven. I think of the only other person in the world whom could make me feel better right now. It rings two times before Timothy answers. "Hey, what's up?" "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to come over?" "Oh?" "No, nothing like that, I just need a friend. Ring 601, not 602." He agrees, and says he'll be on his way shortly with my drink of preference; tequila. I walk to Giovanni's and tell him my friend is going to ring his doorbell, and to let him in because I don't want to get out of bed. He chuckles and says okay. I re-enter my apartment, put on shorts and a t-shirt and lie back in bed. Shortly after, I hear my door open and Timothy calls for me. When I don't answer he opens my bedroom door and sees me lying in my bed. "One of those nights?" "Yeah." He takes off his jacket, says he'll pour us drinks and bring them back to my bedroom. I sit up, when he enters and hands me a glass. "Cheers to being alive." He says sarcastically. I chug the tequila whilst Timothy takes a sip of it. I lie back down, and without saying anything, Timothy lies next to me, wrapping himself around me. "Don't worry, completely platonic, but I remember you liked being held in silence when having a s****y day." That comment makes me smile, however, I don't reply back. We lie in silence for what feels like hours until I ask Timothy to bring the bottle of tequila into the bedroom. "Here you go." He hands the bottle, and I drink straight from it. He grabs it from my hand shortly after and puts it on his side of the bed. "What's on your mind?" He says stroking my hair with one hand whilst the other is around my waist. "Too much, and nothing at all. I don't want to talk still if that's okay." "Yeah it's fine Lily. You can sleep if you want, I'll leave when you fall asleep." "No, you can stay the night." I hear his grin when he says okay. We smoke a blunt, drink more tequila before I begin to fall into a deep sleep. ----------------------------------------------------- I'm awoken at 6am by my phone ringing. It's a text from Andrew "I'm here safe. bye." It relieves me a tad to know he is safe, and remembered to text me, however, he is once again my first thought of the day. I shut my phone off and lie back in bed with Timothy. Timothy wakes at 8am and checks if I'm awake. "Hey." I smile and reply back. "Wanna go out for breakfast?" I nod, get out of bed, grab black jeans and a knit sweater, and walk towards my bathroom to change. When I exit, Timothy is in his jacket sitting on his couch. "Can I smoke a cig in here?" I nod my head and he takes two out of his pack. "Want one?" I nod and go back into my bedroom to finish getting ready. We stand in the elevator, still in silence. It's one thing Timothy and I have no problem in doing - not speaking. He finally breaks the silence when starting his car. "You know, we're going to have to speak at one point. Mainly about last night and why you called me out of all people. It shows me that whatever actually happened was bad." I smile and look at the window, ignoring what he just said. As much as I want to tell someone everything that has happened, I simply cannot. Andrew could get into a lot of trouble, and if I do stay, I'd be looked at like an idiot. Which I suppose in society's eyes, whomever stays with an abuser is deemed as an idiot. I suppose I always thought the same with my mother. My father would hurt her so much, but she always went back - and now here I am, exactly where my mother once was. We eat our crepes in silence, occasionally commenting on how delicious they were. When waiting for the check, Timothy has had enough with the silence. "What's going on Lily?" "Nothing, Andrew and I just had a really bad argument, and now that he's gone, I can't help but think he'll cheat on me." "Lily, no guy could ever be stupid enough to cheat on you. You're literally the perfect girlfriend, and I've told you this a few times, I mean it. I know I don't particularly enjoy you and Andrew together, you look happier with him than you ever did before." I smile and realize that I suppose it's true. So many people have remarked that I look happier with Andrew than I have ever looked in my life. I've noticed it too, however, when we argue, I look the most miserable I ever have in my entire life. How can the person who makes you happiest, also make you the saddest and the emptiest you have ever been? We walk outside of the restaurant and he offers to drive me home. I decline the offer and lie that I have some errands to run around the area. When he leaves, I roll a blunt and smoke whilst waiting for the bus. When I get to my apartment complex, Giovanni is waiting for the elevator as well. "Bella, how have you been doing?" "I've been okay. Tired. My boyfriend is gone on vacation now, and I went to say bye to him at the airport." He smiles, and we stand in silence until we get to our apartments. I enter the bright apartment, and turn up my heater. I walk to my bedroom and go into my closet after removing my jacket and scarf. I get out a large canvas and all of my paint. I sit on my bedroom floor, looking out of my window, attempting to paint everything I see when looking outside. I let the first coat of paint dry, there's the tops of buildings, some tree branches, the water and some grass. I smile at the fact that I am being productive, and doing something I truly enjoy. I take some bong hits, then begin to paint again until I am finished. The results of the painting are much better than I had ever imagined I could paint. I take a few photos, and send one to Andrew- "Is it a window or a painting????? lol" - He reads the message a couple of minutes after and doesn't reply. I call my mother to see what she's doing tonight. She calls back shortly after I leave a voice-mail on her phone. "Hey mom, I was wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight and see a movie?" "Yeah sure sweetie, I'll come pick you up for a bit. We'll go out for dinner too okay?" I smile, agree then hang up. I leave the painting on the floor to finish drying when I begin to do my makeup and fix my hair. I smoke a joint followed by a cigarette, and apply perfume. The door rings shortly after and I walk down the stairs. "Honey, I'm in the car in the back." "Okay, I'm walking down the third floor right now, so I'll be there soon." © 2015 maddy trudelAuthor's Note
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maddy trudelmontreal, CanadaAboutI'm a young adult attempting to share my thoughts using short stories, novels and poems. more..Writing
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