To My New Love

A letter to my new love

 

            To me, you’re patient, and kind.

            I’m not someone who expresses themselves well with words, and I’m not the best communicator, which you know, but there is always so much underneath the surface, so many things I wish I could say, and things I wish you knew. And while I can’t always express those subterranean feelings, I hope that what I’m going to tell you here will be enough. Because when we’re apart, it’s going to be hard for me to show you how much I care, but it will never mean that I don’t. You mean the world to me, being without you for more than a day makes my chest hurt. I mean, I cuddled my body pillow pretending it was you. If that’s not a sign of over-attachment, I don’t know what is. I don’t want you to worry about me, I don’t want you to think I’m off partying and messing around. That’s not who I am. I told you once that when I’m in, I’m all in, and I am. That’s why I’ve been single for 3 years, why Andrew was the only guy I dated (though it doesn’t really count). I’m someone who cares deeply for those I let in. I don’t get with someone for the heck of it, or to just have someone to be with. When I chose to be with you, I chose it for the long run. I chose it for a future. If I wasn’t 100% in this with you, I wouldn’t be with you. I’m not someone who does something halfway, and I don’t mess around with caring about someone. I’ve completely fallen for you, and I don’t want to ever lose you.

            I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. And I mean that with all honesty. There’s something about being with you, touching you, feeling your weight on me that makes me feel whole. It’s not like I was looking for someone to complete me or anything, but I feel like a bigger version of me. Sort of like when Mario gets a mushroom and he grows really big, he’s still himself, he’s just better. That was probably a weird analogy, but I’m keeping it in because I think it’s funny. When you kiss my hand I feel wanted. When you kiss my forehead I feel safe and cared for. And when you kiss me, every time feels like the first time (I think so, I was pretty drunk and therefore it’s a little blurry, but still). When I see that look in your eyes, the one that says that you want me, and you lean in, my chest gets tight, and my heart stops and all I feel is anticipation until your lips touch mine, and when they do, it’s amazing and I can’t wait till we do it again. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how you body feels next to mine when I’m the little spoon, or how protective I feel when I’m the big one. You look so innocent and handsome when you sleep, like you’re in the best place in the world. I will never get tired of feeling you next to me when we sleep because there is no other place I feel as comfortable and as safe and as cared for. You have literally taken away every dark feeling I’ve had. Not to be cliché but before you, there wasn’t a whole lot of good feelings in my life, and now everything is beautiful. And every now and than, you make me feel beautiful.

            For most people, I imagine feeling safe isn’t the top thing their looking for in a relationship. For me it is. For the most part it’s because of what happened. When it was over, I felt destroyed and violated and afraid. I was afraid of men for a long time, and honestly I still am. And telling you about it, granted not very much, was and is extremely hard for me. Every time I think about it, it takes be right back to how empty and worthless I felt for a very long time. And that’s why you’re so important to me, because you make me feel safe. I don’t get scared like that with you and I’m never worried it happening again. When I freaked out our first night together, when I was a disgusting sobbing mess, you were amazing. You never push me and you don’t make me feel inadequate for what I’m not comfortable with yet. Most importantly, knowing it doesn’t freak you out or gross you out that I had that happen, it means more to me than I could ever express and more than I could ever understand. I feel so good with you, so full of happiness and care. I could just look at you forever, because I know you don’t look down on me for my shortcomings and my mistakes. The moment you told me it didn’t bother you, was the moment my entire heart became yours.

            I know you’re going to worry about me at school. I know you think I’m going to be crazy and flirty and get with all the guys. But I’m not. I have you, and I don’t need or want anyone else. And I’m not worried about you, I’m not scared you’re going to mess around or leave me. I’m not scared because I picked you. Because when I choose someone to care about this much, it’s someone I know isn’t going to break my heart. I don’t care about your past, who you’ve been with and how in love you may have been. It doesn’t bother me. I may get jealous, but it’s only because for those few minutes, those other girls have your attention and your eyes on them, and that means they’re not on me. I can feel how much you care. Maybe it’s the whole being able to read people thing, their vibe, but I know with my entire being that you are in this too.

            I don’t know if you’ll like this or not. Whether you’ll think it’s weird or cheesy or f*****g crazy. But I want you to know, without a doubt how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. This letter will never even scratch the surface, but when I’m away, and when you’re gone and we can’t be together like we want, I want you to be reminded of how much I wish we could spend the rest of our time laying in each others arms. I’m about to go see you tonight, honestly, I’m a little late because I’m trying to write this before I leave. And the anticipation is killing me. Every night, all I look forward to is your text telling me to come over. And when I get it, my heart stops and I smile way too big and than I run to brush my teeth. I know you’ll probably just be in your underwear or your wife-beater-old-man-farmer outfit, and I’m so excited, because just seeing you lights a flame in me, one that I hope never gets put out.

            Babe, don’t worry about me. Just know I’m yours in every way, for as long as you’ll have me. And I don’t want to change a thing. I feel for you something I’ve never felt for anyone, and I’m not afraid, because I love it. I want you to know every moment with you is special, and every moment is beautiful and every moment makes me want a million more. You’re everything and more, and I know when you come home in April, I’m going to be the happiest girl in the entire world. And probably the horniest, so there’s that. But aside from that, I am going to miss you. My heart hurts just thinking about it, and pretty soon I may just cry, so you better miss me too.

 

With all my heart,

Forever yours,