If you need me, you will find me

When you need this work it will speak to you and help you find your voice

Chapter one

When did I become this shell, this empty vessel of lost hope and obscurity? Was it always like this?  Have I learnt to stay afloat, my head hovering above the waters surface, to tread the deep dark water and remain constant to somehow belong, to somehow fit in, to somehow just be.

Not now, now I am adrift, bobbing against the lapping waters, unable to resist the urge to sink, to sink down in to the deep darkness, to retreat in to the blackness, the calm, the stillness. To know the emptiness of wretched thoughts, the sickness creeping through your core or the ebb and flow of tides and time, to have made enemies of everything around you, to have built battlements of bitterness and anger in equality, drawn from sweat, from tears, from blood, exhaustion point reached and surpassed.

 I lay silent now, in the stillness, in the dark and I listen.

I once had a voice, a voice that carried hope, joy and love. A voice that could sing away worries and sweep you up in to happiness but now my voice is pain, it carries only sorrow and sadness, song gives way to sighs, sighs for the lost innocence and courage of younger days, sighs of yearning for the lion to return to where the lamb now stands, trembling, trembling amongst familiar things that now seem alien. I am surrounded but completely alone.

 I lay silent now, in the stillness, in the dark and I listen.

I once had eyes that shone with fire, with wanting, excitement and ambition. Eyes that could capture hearts, eyes that could carry you to balmy evening shores, where waves lap the ears with wonder and contentment hides amongst the blooms and blossoms, their heady scent filling the air as a drug. Now my eyes are dull, dark expressions of the creeping blackness within me, it fills my pores to seeping, it longs to spill out over all it will not be stopped. I long for eyes of hunger, imagination, lust and life but they are long gone.

I lay silent now, in the stillness, in the dark and I listen.

I was on the right path once, though many years ago.  I lost my way, at sea with no oars to steer me on a perfect course or any course at all.  I feel lost, spinning and spinning with no sense of purpose,  of direction.  How can one be so off course, be so lost, so far away without the guiding light of home. How can one loose their self possession so that only husk remains, the battered wreck of their existence reduced to ash scattered on the winds, slipping through the fingers of time. 

I lay silent now, in the stillness, in the dark and I listen.

I once had sparkle, nothing special a glint in the eye perhaps. I was not a conventional beauty by any means but I had a certain something. I lost my shine a dull patina tainting all, fear spews from every corner, it creeps and seeps and spreads devouring all in its path, its greedy mouth and fingers leave nothing in their wake, nothing but empty promises and lies. I long to sparkle, to shine so bright the very heavens shield their eyes in wonder at this marvel and behold the magnificence of light.

I lay silent now, in the stillness, in the dark and I listen.

Chapter two

It is crisp and light and the sun shines mercilessly through the window.  The weather does not obey my mood; it mocks me with its bright and blinding light. It does not feel the anguish that I feel, it does not understand the need for sombre skies, for the blanket of dark that comforts and caresses, the womb of black that nurtures me in times of need.  It just keeps shining its brilliance undaunted by the lack of love or wonder in the world, its confidence unflawed by time speeding by without a second glance in its direction.  It does not worry itself about such trivial things, it does not need to be accepted, to be loved, to earn the most, to drive the fastest car or have the latest gadget to fit in, it just is and it is radiant.

That morning I embrace the light.  It cascades around me.  In its path dust dances on the very breath of air, it dances to music only it can hear but it still dances.  I am aware that things are always constant and moving, never solid or set.  There is always a chance to make a change to make things right.  It is never too late to share regrets, to make amends, to heal old wounds. 

That morning as I listened, I heard a voice, faintly at first it whispered only to me, its soft melodious voice came in waves and raptures, words strung out in a web they cocooned me within them, lifting me up in an embrace, I closed my eyes and heard the word in symphony, the music joyous and contented, the word itself a train on tracks in the sky, chugging and chugging away at the melancholy within me, puffs of smoke that rose and fell as breath from the lungs puffing and puffing away.

 Was I the only one to hear it, I looked around me, only I was still and silent, everything else was moving, moving away from the light from the sound, too busy to hear it they buzzed and fretted and drifted, carried away on a different tide we passed but could not connect.  The sound is lost to them buried within, perhaps they choose not to hear it but it is there, there when they are ready to hear it and it is magnificent,  a rhapsody of light and sound loud enough to wake the earth from slumber, all you need to do is listen and it will whisper you its secret, it will whisper to you words and these words will fill you with wonder and excitement, will lift you up with hope, compassion and laughter, they speak only to you they are the key to the gate in your soul, unlocking what is lost within you, the wandering child that longs to be free, that longs to walk the path less travelled but no less interesting. It does not want to conform, the monotony that life has become, it does not want to be contained. It wants what all beings want, what we have all forgotten, downtrodden within the muddy waters, submerged in the murky depths of space and time. It wants something simple yet somehow so elusive to all

It wants to live.

Chapter three

As a child I dreamed for months for an organ on which to compose my masterpiece, I prayed and coerced and willed it to come.  It was a magic organ, all my worries would be carried away within the music it could create, my fears and loathing would subside and peace would prevail. It came wrapped in a pretty bow.  I still remember with great fondness the sounds and the magic that it made beneath my fingers, as I played and played and played, but the music faded in time and no longer captured my imagination the voice that once sung contentment  to me failed and silence fell as a blanket to the slumbering beast slaughtered in its wake .  In time I lost touch with the voice, I could no longer hear the magic words it spoke to me from deep inside, the contentment I felt when it cradled me within its melody.

 It fell silent and a different voice washed over me,  a voice of discontent and malice, of wanting, not needing, of instant gratification and reward without the earning of either. A bland and faceless existence highlighted only by something shiny and new, something by which to measure myself against another. A voice so loud I trembled in its wake, it consumed my every waking hour and my nights were haunted by its footsteps.  A yearning that would not subside, an empty void inside of me that could not be filled, a consumer, I consumed but the hunger never stopped, never satisfied, it only grew, spreading to new wants and desires, to something else just out of reach, something that would surely make my life complete, contented, magical.  I kept on chasing but the satisfaction never came, just the thrill of the chase and the nonchalance of victory.

I am sure I am not alone, I am sure as you read these words now they resonate within you a certain painful truth, if you are reading this like me you need the lesson it will teach you, guided to seek out the wisdom within these pages however  there is nothing here that I can teach you, this is not the lesson that you seek, you seek only the inspiration to find your own voice from within the gaping chasm of your life, small and meagre as it may start off a roaring lion exists within you, a lion ready to claim its place amongst the sands of time. No matter what life has thrown at you along the way the lion is still within you, if you listen you will hear its footsteps growing louder, louder within you, I know you are afraid as I am but it is time to let go of the fear and

Let the lion roar.

Chapter four

When did we become so disconnected you and I?  Even if I do not know you, even if we have never met or never will we are still connected. All things are connected yet we choose to shut ourselves off from the rest of humanity, a closed circuit around ourselves.  Is it for protection, for self preservation, why do we disconnect so, when connection is all we really have left that has been untainted by the colour of greed that paints us.

When did we fall out of love you and I?  Even if we have never loved and never will we are still all in love if we stop to listen to the voice inside. Love exists all around us yet we close our ears and our hearts to it, even if we are in love we do not succumb with wild and blazon abandon, when did love last fill up your heart to swell so much it almost pushed out of your chest, to fill your lungs to burst, to feel every hair on your skin rise to the occasion, to be swept up like dust dancing on the breath of air.  When was the last time you told someone you loved them and really meant it?  With all your heart and being without the requirement of any reward, without the promise of anything in return just your love expressed to the fullest you can imagine, love and nothing but love.

When did we become so greedy you and I? To require so much for so little investment, to sew the seeds but not water them, to dig up the soil before anything had grown. To spend money we didn’t have and never would, chasing an impossible dream. A perfect life filled with things, things created to fill an emptiness inside that could never be satisfied. When was the last time you took the time to appreciate the things that you already have in your life, to appreciate the wonder and abundance around you. Not just to think that you ought to but to really do it, to concentrate on all the blessings in the world. The darkest part of day is just before the dawn but no matter how dark it is the dawn still keeps on coming.

When did we become so complacent you and I?  The world crumbles at our feet yet the blinkers are still on.  So wrapped up in our own existence we ignore that the very existence that we try so hard to protect is a venerable child, crying out for a merciful hand to hold on to. Where is justice in this world where the price of a CD could keep a child from dying of starvation or thirst and yet I still choose to buy the CD.?  Where the mask of religion hides the face of true hatred, hatred of ourselves and what we have become and the longing to rediscover the voice within.

When did we become so lonely you and I? When did it become ok to email someone about the death of a friend, to text someone that they have lost their job or to not even communicate at all?  When did we become afraid to share in someone’s grief, in someone’s loss, in someone’s joy or just to be with someone else in silence, because just to be was enough. When did we become to important just to talk, to talk to those we love, to those we have lost, to connect to something bigger than ourselves, to use our voices to convey love or hope, to bring joy or even sorrow.  Nothing is more powerful than a voice when it speaks from the heart and it speaks the truth, no matter how painful that truth is, it is always better than the emptiness of not knowing and the mesmerising webs of doubt and disheartening that come from the silence we create. When did it become weird to talk to a stranger just to connect to someone else, when will we remember that a stranger is only someone we have not yet met.  The speed at which we rush through life leaves no time for life itself. You work to earn money, to buy things you do not need, to create a house which is not a home, to drive a car that is newer and better than someone else but that chokes the planet with a poison but we are all choked by a poison, the poison of discontentment, the endless hunger and wanting. There is no joy in this existence for the fundamental piece of the jigsaw is missing, life is missing and it is passing you buy.

When did we loose our respect you and I. When did the man, woman or child around you become the victim of their own circumstances, when did you earn the right to judge them for what colour they are, what beliefs they hold on to, what they are wearing, what they possess or what they choose to do.  When did any of us earn the right to class ourselves as better than anyone else around us, to think we are better, to think but not to know, for we do not even talk anymore, so wrapped up in our material possessions our voice is lost to us, our voice is lost

Can it ever be found?

Chapter five

I met a man that changed my life.  I do not even remember his name and for this I am very sorry.  Queuing for a visa, it was a very hot day and the queue was very long. I watched the faces of those around me, a room full of people all with great stories to tell but no one spoke, all were silent.  There was a man beside me, he was courier, I could tell from his motorcycle clothes. I thought myself better than him, I had a glamorous job travelling to other countries and he was after all just a motor cycle courier.  I am not sure how or why but we struck up conversation and he was not just a motor cycle courier after all, he was a magician, a traveller, a wanderer and he had the most wondrous gift to give he was truly alive.  He spoke of many exciting adventures and of many people he had met,  not there to drop names or absorb me with his self importance or to justify himself in any way. He was just himself and despite the fact he had met many fascinating and powerful people it was just another notch in the journey of his magnificent life.  I doubt he even remembers meeting me, after all it was only for a short while but in that short time I connected with another human being, for that brief time we occupied the same space, we did not drift past each other to distant shores we connected and although he will have forgotten me the lesson that he taught me will live on in me and now in you forever. 

When I think back on that day it fills me with joy and with sadness, why was only I touched by this man who was so alive, how many more interesting people were there waiting in that queue, how many lives could we have helped, joys could we have shared, wonders could we have witnessed if we had all just connected.  Why would such a thing be so strange, why can’t a roomful of strangers become a room full of friends.  When did we all become lost, when did we all come to believe that something that exists outside of us was more important that who we are inside, who we really are inside. 

What could ever be more important than that?

Chapter Six

When I look back in my life it is with happiness, sadness and regret in equal measures.  I have travelled on the road but in doing so I forgot to stop along the way, the everyday things that pale in to insignificance but that colour a life in many magical ways.  The sound of waves lapping the shore, of birds calling in the trees and the wind that carries them to me, soft skin, heat from the sun that warms me, the cold of snows icy embrace, the smell of bread baking, or fresh cut grass, or the warmth of a kiss from someone you love.

It may be the big things that define you, but it is the little things in life that make it just that, make it a celebration of who you are and all that you can be.  Like me I am sure you would have made different choices if you could along your road but regret is not the lesson we are here to learn, it only enslaves us to a past we can not change and steps we can not retake. We can not change the past, so let go of it and feel safe to do so.  We can not predict the future, who knows what is around the corner, everything can change in the blink of an eye but we can not prepare for every eventuality  and nor should we want to, so we can let go of the fear of the future we hold on too, so tightly.   For it is the fear that keeps us prisoner, that stops us reaching for the stars.

This time, this exact moment, that is all we really have control of, in this moment you can become something more than you are, in this pure moment if you really live it, if you really listen to the voice inside you, if you really appreciate all that you have in this moment, If you are brave enough to find the joy in all that you do and the courage to just be yourself, no matter who that is and what that might cost you.  If you have the conviction to look around you with eyes that are open even to suffering and know that even one person that has the courage to make a change and the will to make this life that we live a better one

You can conquer the world. 

Chapter Seven

I do not confess to hold some magic power, something super natural that comes to force.  I do not confess to be a person of any belief or religion or to possess a faith of any kind but as I write these words it is as if they write themselves, that I am just the vessel the words have taken to ensure their message is told.  I might sound crazy even to myself but I speak the truth when I tell you that something compelled me to put this message to paper.  Something deep inside me unconditionally told me that from these words something magical would happen.  I know the magic may not even happen in my life time but one day these words will inspire someone to greatness and even change the world.

I do not say this lightly or in any way to create self importance in my work, I only tell you this so that you understand why I am writing this and perhaps why you are reading it. I was in a very dark place not so long ago.  I was afraid I no longer knew who I was.  I no longer had any idea who this empty shell was that stared back from the mirror.  Who was this person so frail, sold cold, so lonely.  Where was the sparkle in her eye, the smile on her lips?  What was all this blackness that consumed her waking hours and tortured her dreams?  I was afraid that too much cruelty, self possession, greed, laziness and desire was all that was left of me.  A crumbled city left to ruin, to implode on itself in anger. 

I have had my fair share of bad luck but that is no excuse, I am not blameless in all the misfortune that has come my way even though I would like to claim I am.  I could blame my parents splitting up when I was young, I could blame the misdirection of anger from others who were only angry at themselves, I could blame the bad choices I made along the way, the lovers who belittled me, the employers who discarded me like old used toys, the food that comforted me when I felt alone, the friends that dropped me when I needed them the most, the people who I longed to fit in with but never could.  I could blame anyone but myself for everything in my life that had an outcome I did not like but what would I learn from this.  Instead I choose to look within myself, I am not perfect, I do not comply to a beautiful stereotype, I am street smart not book smart, I do not fit in or conform or belong but I am still a person just like you, a person who started life with a burning flame, a flame so bright it scorched the sky, anything was possible, dreams were just accomplishments not yet realised  , even the sky was no limit to all I could achieve but the road is long and weary and like all things that loose their charm,  in the end the flame burnt out.

Chapter eight

I often wonder how things turned out the way they have.  I don’t know if you are like me and think the same, think too much perhaps about all that is unjust and wrong in the world. I long to make it right, to make it better for everyone but I can only make myself better.  I can only become something greater than I thought I could be.

I have the courage within me, all I need to do is listen and I will hear it calling.  The lion within me that longs to be free, running not away but towards all that needs to be done, not afraid to do my share even when it is hard and takes time and seems hopeless.  What can one person do in this world that can truly make a difference? What impact can I have? Such a tiny spec of dust in the concept of space and time and all its enormous grandeur but just as butterfly’s wings can bring a storm so too can I create a storm, a whirlwind of momentum bringing forth change and change is a mighty force to be reckoned with.

Have you ever felt the need to be something bigger than you are, to be part of something larger, something better, the need to find your place on this earth, to walk the path you choose and to enjoy every step along the way?  Have you ever felt the need to just be accepted for who you are not to be loved or adored but just to be accepted, to feel that all around you is in balance, that all around you is as it is supposed to be.  Have you ever wanted to belong so bad that you are willing to change everything that you are just to fit in, to conform to values that are alien to you, to understand concepts that are incomprehensible, to seek solace in the latest trend or fad just to blend in, to be unnoticed, to glide through life untouched by anything, to live a life half lived just to be numb to all around you.

I have too lived a life half lived, a life of wanting and of greed.  I consume, I consume too much of everything around me.  I drain all natural resources until there is nothing left but I can not stop consuming.  I am created, a machine not a man, a machine driven to consume until all is lost.  Will my life be perfect if I am thin, if I drive that car or if I marry that man or woman? Will my life be more perfect if I leave them for someone else?  My needs are more important than anything else, my desire for happiness is only outweighed by my desire for perfection but perfection never comes and I am only left wanting.

Chapter Nine

I am a tree, I have lived many years and I have grown very large and strong.  My roots are planted firmly in the soil, they have spread around me in happiness and they give me a solid base in which to keep on growing.  The warm light bathes me every day.  Even when it is cold, the air is wet and clouds cover the sky the sun is still shining if you only dare to look high enough.   The elements are hard and cruel and my bark has grown brittle and tough but there is still softness within me, a softness that appreciates the animals that visit me, the wind as it blows through my boughs, the birds that sing to me and the moon that visits me at night.  I am not made weak by the softness within me, quite the contrary as it allows me to feel, to reach out to my surroundings and embrace them with my light, with my very being.  My boughs grow long and heavy but still they reach for the sky, still they reach for something higher, something greater than I am because the heaviness in them is outweighed by the wonder that lies beyond the grasp, the wonder that is life itself.

We are connected you and I.  My long and graceful boughs reach out, their soft tendrils and blossoms caress your skin, and you are bathed in my embrace.

And in the silence and the darkness you lay still and you listen. 

Chapter Ten

Immortality is not the gift of living forever it is just the gift of truly living and giving something back.  If I can touch even one person with these words and inspire them to greatness then my job in this life is done. 

If I can inspire you to seek out the voice inside yourself that is calling, the greatness that is within us all no matter what we do or who we are the greatness that exists in all things. We are all great; we are all human beings on this earth, created equal and unique.

 I am not a great leader with power or ambition but I have the gift of these words to share with you.  In the silence and the stillness and the dark I listened and the voice it spoke to me, it told me I had something important to learn from the blackness, something very important to learn and even more important to teach, it told me my words would bring comfort to those who have lost their way, who swim in circles against the tide because they think it is what is intended of them, who suffer in silence and in sorrow because they have forgotten how to connect , they have lost the voice inside themselves.

The voice told me that these people needed words, not words of magic, some quick fix cure for everything that was wrong in their world, not some mantra or rules to follow, to live their life by and all will be right in their world. No. All they seek is a seed, planted with love and care and attention, planted without the expectation of anything in return, a seed that can have time to grow. Watered and well nourished it will flourish and in time and it will be magnificent.

 I am but a farmer, here to plant the seed

 The rest is up to you. 

 

Author's Note

This is my first attempt at writing anything. Please review.

Reviews

[Phil Kuhlman]

Very intriguing piece. It has a great honest feel of a journal, but it doesn't feel too raw in that aspect. It feels well thought out, but genuine. And it's thought provoking as well. Great stuff, can't wait to see more!

[Monners]

What immense thoughts to share. Creative, inspiring, and uniquely refreshing. I liked this alot. I'd hope you continue.