Don't Let Life End With A Period

For anyone who is struggling and needs a little encouragement.

Have you ever felt like you were in a pit, a high energy vortex that keeps pulling you down. It’s like a dream where you keep falling and falling but theres no end to it and if that wasn’t enough, slowly the light appears to dim and before we know it we are surrounded with this dark empty space filled with nothing but our own negativity and suffering. Then from the darkness, thoughts appear that it’s better to curl up and die somehow rather than to make futile efforts to climb back up towards the little rays of light that still sometimes penetrate this dark soulless pit.

That is the definition of depression according to a girl who’s lived with it for most of her life.

Depression runs in my family, but I never thought it was possible for me to have it. For the first time, I would like to publicly acknowledge that in 2014, I tried to end my life. I want to share this because 19 out of 20 people who attempt suicide will fail and those that make the difficult decision to come back to life need openness from their loved ones and a lot of resources. Perhaps that’s what some of you may be in need of right now.

First and foremost, I would like to address that I am not the type of person to talk about my problems. I like to handle most things on my own with minimum assistance from others. I feel as though I will appear weak and to this day, I still struggle with this. 

My junior year, I was hospitalized for trying to commit suicide and completed many hours of therapy a week. Everyday seemed like an ongoing war inside my head. I was inconceivably sad and overwhelmed. My body was numb and I would sit in the shell of my body unable to do anything. Do your homework. Brush your teeth. Get out of bed. Go take a shower. Eat something. It was impossible. 

I lost a lot of people during this time. I isolated myself from everyone; my mood was changing and I was told that it was all in my head or that I was too much too handle.  I lashed out at anyone who cared about me and decided some people weren't worth trying for, including myself. Everyday the feeling of death would come upon me, and all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. This wasn’t the first time I had thought about doing so or even attempted suicide. I had thought about it more times than I dare to admit, but had only attempted once before. The first time was when I was home alone. I felt so worthless. I felt as if issues were screaming at me and making me feel like they weren’t going away. I felt my life was a game and I had lost. I thought to myself, “Have I really reached this point?” I shouldn’t think like this, but I did and nothing could stop me. With a note in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other, I decided to take my life. 

My goal and purpose for this is so that the negative stigma of suicide can go away and that the stereotype of being psycho or crazy gets erased with it. I’m far from perfect, but I’m not crazy. I’m a human being who made a huge mistake and can look at herself in the mirror and be thankful for the factors that prevented a death. Suicide is not a selfish act. I know because when I went through it, I thought about every single person in my life and how easy their life would be without me. I felt like a burden to my family and friends. I felt I didn't deserve to keep living in their lives. I imagined everyone far better off without me in it.

This past November marked three years since my suicide attempt. I get to continue to overcome this world I once thought was against me. How awesome is that? Don’t feel like you need to do what I did to appreciate life. Appreciate it now. Having anxiety and depression is something I have learned to live with everyday and I am no longer letting it take over me and my life. I am no longer letting it win. 

Reach out. Stay strong. Keep living. You got this. 

1 [phone] National Suicide Prevention Hotline