"Is it worth it?"

"Is it worth is?"

I believe everyone does something for a certain reason. Wether it be to piss someone off, make someone smile, or even just to find enjoyment out of it. It's truly sad that someone has to find enjoyment for their selves out of Bullying others. Although we always tend to pay attention to the Victims of the bullying, When do we pay attention to the Bully's themselves? 

  Hi my name is Madison Urbanowski. Im a Junior in High School. Im sharing my story with you so I can take a stand for the ones that can't! Junior high tends to be the make it or break it for a lot of students. You know being 12 or 13 you think your all high and mighty, Been there and done that! My Junior High experience sucked. I'm blessed with a beautiful talent! I never knew where it would take me either, into the future! In Junior High I always tried out for the Lead roles in plays but, my saying was "Go Big or Go Home!" I lived by it. Of course my mom, Tonda, always tried to teach me to stay Humble and kind. Which I think I did good on for the most part. My 6th grade year I got lead roles a lot, Then I also won the Talent Show. Girls envied me ALL THE TIME! I seem to have always been there little target they wanted to shoot down. I'll tell you too for the most part it worked. I had one girl named Lauren. She never felt happy until I wasn't. She spread rumors around the school once I won the talent show. Some of the rumors were "Your mom slept with the judges just so you could win first place." or "Your mom paid the judges!" Never could she ever state anything to my face. Which then also led her to hide behind a screen. No it wasn't a phone which is a surprise actually with our society! It was her computer. On Facebook she managed to give me hell. It hurt me so badly because for the longest time I never knew who it was. I figured it out later when she manage to choke me during Theatre class. She also choked me again when we were hanging with some "Friends" on the neighborhood tennis court. The thought of someones hands gripping both sides of your neck and squeezing the crap out of it... it sucks. She gave me so much through out Junior High that I realized why she did it. Her older sister had a lot of attention because she did sports and she was good at it! Then her youngest sister got attention too but, it's because she was the youngest. Then here is Lauren and the only attention she ever got was when she got in trouble. She constantly got in trouble because she got the attention. I use to hang out at her house too for the longest time! I saw that her parents gave her positive attention when she deserved it, Which I don't disagree with at all! My one thing is the Bully's do something for a reason, It's to get someone, somewhere's attention!! Lauren eventually this year of 2016 admit she bullied me. 

 Later in my 7th grade year a girl named diamond tried to jump me, I wanted to kill myself. I was so sick of it. Was actually so sick of it that I tried to transfer my 7th grade year. My principal refused to sign. The reason on why was because he wanted to say "Well Madison paige went to this Junior High." Which in no way will I ever give my Past schools any credit for where I am today. I got to the point where I was so fed up that I told my mom, "If I do not get moved out of this school there will never be a Madison Paige Urbanowski EVER AGAIN!" My mom tried two more times to transfer me and we made it to a new Junior High my 8th grade second semester. I was so blessed and thankful! I loved it there too! I had made so many friends that I decided to transfer to the high school they all flowed into.

  Highschool was another tough year. The high school I went to you either had money or you didn't. Kids new if you did or didn't. Which was very upsetting to me to think someone can like you for your money or hate you for having no money. Well I didn't have much money considering I was from the run down area of the district. My 6th grade year you had all the seniors staring at you and quick to judging you. I raised a pig in FFA. My pigs name was "Bacon Bitz" I loved that pig. Every morning and afternoon I went out to the school barns to feed Bacon Bitz. The goat raisers were always directly behind me. Everyday I came I had parents and students staring at me. Then it got to where parents were talking about me. I would wait for the bus in the morning in my pen crying to myself. The thought of a grown adult talking bad about a student who hasn't done anything is pathetic. It makes me sick to my stomach right now as I type that and think of that! My best friend that year was named Kayla, she was in and out of the hospital a lot so she depended on me to take care of her steer. I did and I loved that steer. Sure I was a little afraid of him but, It was a 1,000 lbs animal staring me down twice everyday. There was a Junior girl that also raised steers too! Her name was Taylor. She never ended up showing them though, Which is why I think she got mad and jealous of the fact that Kayla chose me to take care of a steer when I'm only a freshman and she is a Junior that has raised a steers for 3 years. I completly understood where she was coming from, I'd probably be upset too. Although you have to trust the person raising it too. You have to trust that they will check it's water everyday twice, and feed it twice everyday too! Taylor caused so much crap that I got fed up with it. She ended up getting upset with me because I went to the teachers about her causing a bunch of crap that she threw a rubber steer bowl at my face and called me "a B***h". Sometimes people handle things in certain ways because they feel proud and better about it. We also had a special needs rodeo during show season. Every student gets partnered up with another high school student along with a special needs student. Well one girl named Morgan thought it'd be funny just to put Taylor and I together just to get a reaction out of us. When our names were called, I cried while running down to a teacher. We luckily got changed immediately. Of course the whole school laughed because they knew it would have been funny. Morgan just had nothing better to do with herself than to make someone else upset. The month of show my pig teacher told me to stay in the back of the arena and if the judge wanted to see my pig and me, Then he would come back there and watch me. Well that's completely opposite of how to show a pig but again I was only a freshman. I relied on my teacher to show me how to show a pig correctly, not incorrectly. I was set up for failure because none of the students or Ag Teachers liked me. 

 Later my Sophomore year I decided to raise another pig. Her name was "Miranda Hambert". My pig and I didn't make it to Progress show because I didn't have enough activities to keep my animal. I missed all the opportunities due to my sisters wedding and events prior to that getting in the way. From then on I was known as the kid who always had bad grades and couldn't get activities done. Although that happened I decided to raise a steer my junior year. Of course everyone at the end of my sophomore year was like "Maddie we have to be able to rely on you." "Can you make the time for it?" then one ag teacher said "Are sure you want to? You have to have good grades and keep them!" I was torn to think no one believed in me. I was sick and tired of disappointment. No one thought about my feelings after every time that their words would hit my ears. I ended up having trouble with a lot of girls in high school. Those girls were jealous of me. I had a talent that a lot of people envied me for. Why did they? I can't exactly tell you. I had one true friend out of my junior year it was a girl name Emily she also raised a steer. She is still to this day very supportive to me. I eventually got so fed up though with the stare downs in the hallways, the constant talking, and messing with me that I had to get rid of my steer and do Homeschooling. I hated having to give up on My steer. It sucks because tonight is actually the last night of Rodeo for the district, which means I would have already shown my steer. I wanted to commit suicide after all this drama in public school when I was still in Public school because I felt worthless and helpless. I was in such a dark place that I wasn't able to get up and go to school for 4 weeks. I woke up and tried to force myself that i'd have anxiety attacks and asthma attacks, I even almost threw up a couple of times from screaming my lungs out from crying so much. I got to the point where I had no more tears to cry out. they made me afraid? Why let those pathetic girls push me down? Should it happen? I had to have friends talk me out of ending my life, my breathing, my blood flow... my heart. I had very few friends in school. I even had a best friend her name was Emily also. Although I found out she left me for a girl who screwed her crush she had for like 2 years. She dropped me for a girl who screwed him over at least twice. Why? I personally wish I knew. Although I don't know why. She post stuff about me on social media and trys to make me look bad. That is perfectly okay with me. I just want others to feel better, If that's how you make yourself feel better then let it be. I learned to walk away from it all! I ended up with only 5 friends which isn't a bad thing. I think the one thing that i still can't do to this day is stand up for myself. That is why I can not stand it when people try to for me. I've just learned to let it go and walk away.

  My main point to this letter was to have two sides. Being a bully means that you don't get attention at home, or you are looking for someone to care or something of the sort. Im sorry for anyone that doesn't get that it isn't fair. I promise you it is not fair at all! Although people need to see the Victims side too. Being bullied has torn me up so much! After being choked 3 times by two different people, almost being jumped by one person, and being cyber bullied and a lot more, It has scarred me physically and mentally. Try to put yourself in someones shoes. Think about why someone is bullying someone. Bad home life? No family? Abused? They feel hopeless? Need attention? Jealous? Want to feel better? I can keep going on and on for hours on why someone would. Now bully's think about the person your messing with. Do you feel better? Watching someone else cry?, Someone Cutting their selves?, Someone hiding from shame and hopeless feeling inside of them?, or even someone Committing Suicide?. Is it worth it? No it isn't. Don't bring someone else down to make you feel better. Seriously don't, Go talk to someone. Get the help you need. Get the something you want to fill inside you because the minute you go too far with messing with someone is the minute some mom or dad are crying because their baby has over dosed, or stabbed their selves, or hung their selves. So next time think "Is it worth it?"

~ Madison