It's Okay Not To Be Okay

A Story by maddie

It's like this bird on me, pullin me to the ground and however hard i try i can't bring myself up, i can't bring myself to care, not about me, about him, about her.

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

I don't like what i see, it's not just being skinny or ugly.

It's more than that, you know i live in an environment if you don't succeed, you won't be anyone, i'm kind of feeling guilty. Because deep inside i know that i don't have an idea where i'm going to be in five years.

I am lost, scared and afraid.

Every single person around me says i should talk to someone but what i think they would think about me is that i'm 50 shades of fade.

Every once in a while i walk out of my room with a smile, but man i'm struggling, that is way out of file of truth. It's been so hard lately, being happy.

My mother once said: "Every person that treats you like a toy is a boy, but once you find the suntanned man that wouldn't treat you the way your daddy treated your mummy, don't you ever let him go. Ditch that row of boys and stick with the man."

But mum what i do is work and sleep, every single week. I'm worried soon enough i'll lose confidence and lose it completely.

Mother! Mother! Don't you know that if i don't belong in the world of our society's definition of perfection then sucks to you. Society tells you you aren't designed for crop tops and short sleeves.

Mom can you understand that I hate my self, I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate it all. Do you still want anyone to show some love after the amount of hate i give to myself?

She looked at me as if i killed her daughter, she said i didn't raise you. That's not how i raise my girl.

She held my arms so tight, she shook me.

She started tearing up.

She said what the hell did you do to my daughter.

I teared up, for the first time in 249 days.

It felt so amazing, having water in your eyes.

She looked at me embarrassed, shocked, and then she said: "See you're not my girl, my little girl isn't raised to cry, my little girl is designed to be the definition of perfection, just like her mother"

I couldn't hold it anymore, i cried, i cried a lot. And then i said: "listen to me mother, listen carefully. I've been feeling really tired and exhausted just because i work crazy shifts at night. You made me rage, you made me become a person i have never wanted to be. I'm sounding too depressing right mum? You should think God, she sounds so depressing, and soon enough you will get bored and eventually you'll all just leave. Every time, in the past, i had to force every bit of my energy to be super enthusiastic and happy. But mum, i'm sorry that won't be happening anymore, mum that so so far from the reality. Can't you see how blur it is? Exactly mum, let me breathe. I was a child, and all of a sudden i'm doing more sins that i wish to list. You always tell me make every man see what a perfect woman was, they might not have ever seen one before. You told me it was okay for men to touch you, Jesus, mum can't you see men or 'boys' don't want anything but a gentle kiss. That's what they tell you, then they take you somewhere and you lose it all, you give it all. Mum, I gave it all just the way you told me. I gave it all the way you did. I put my self in a position, where all i feel is shame, my head fills with shame, my heart takes that blame. Doing this for a guy, and i don't share his last name."

I took a deep breathe and looked at her red eyes.

"Its okay not to be okay, you can cry, i can cry. It will be okay mum, everything will be okay. One day we'll look back to this day and we'll be glad we went through the tough times. Because it made us the person we are today."