The Man with the Grey Suit

 

          October 22^nd 2007, Olivia Commons, a fourteen year old girl was on vacation in New York City. Olivia was staying at the Hilton hotel on the 23^rd floor. Olivia’s family went out shopping but stayed at the hotel because she felt queasy. At around 2:15 Olivia’s mom called her to check up on her, Olivia told her mother that she was fine her mother told her she loved her and hung up. Olivia decided to see the pool on the main floor. She walked to the end of the hall to remember that she forgot to lock the hotel room door. She opened her room door, but before she walked in she saw a man with a grey suit run past her. Something about the man made her shiver. She quickly ran in her room and grabbed the room key and locked the door. She reached the elevator and she pressed the down arrow and the elevator door open almost the exact moment she pressed the button. She walked in there was a few other people in the elevator, a thin women with glasses, an elder fat man, and a young man with brown hair in a grey suit. A shiver ran up her spine it was the same man again. They reached the sixth floor and the only person left was the man with the grey suit. She noticed he was staring at her intently she turned around and asked “what do you want from me?”  The man said “you’ll see,” the lights flickered and the elevator shook. The elevator door opened and the man walked out but Olivia was nowhere to be seen. The man put a poster that said “out of service” on the elevator door.

          Another girl, Sarah Mand, came up to the man. She said to him “excuse me sir but could you take me to my room?” he nodded and took her into the next elevator and he asked her “what floor?” the girl looked up at him “third, please” he pressed the button “how old are you” the girl replied “five” the elevator door opened, the man took her hand and walked her strait out the hotel doors. “This isn’t the third floor,” “I know,” the man said. A women standing nearby witnessed the man taking the girl. She thought it was very suspicious. She went to the hotels front desk, in the corner of the room she noticed the TV. On the TV it said “Breaking news there is a murderer on the streets on new York. Please watch out for a tall man with brown hair and he is wearing a grey suit. We warn you he is highly dangerous.”

          Sarah Mand’s body was found in a creek nearby, but Olivia’s body was never found. Please send this to everyone you know this man is still out there, those girls were only two of his victims. If you see this man, please call 911. This isn’t fake, send it to everyone, we need to get the word out. 

Reviews

[xansizi]

I think this has the potential to be a good story but needs a little work. At the moment it is too list-like: this happened, then this, this this, etc. You should focus more on creating atmosphere- using the senses to describe what is seen, heard, felt. how the characters feel- that prickle of unease up the spine.

There could be other ways to develop the story too. Did Olivia really feel quesy or did she say she felt queasy because she had plans of her own? Could those plans have contributed to Olivia's death?

I don't understand the reasoningbehind Sarah asking the man to take her to her room. Was she a newcomer to the hotel and didn't know her wayaround? Perhaps she could have been struggling with bags and he offered to help.

I hope you don't think I'm being critical and hope these points help you to develop your story. Good luck