An Everlasting Impression

I loved you before I knew you. Before you knew you needed someone to love you. I watched from afar as the world stripped away everything you thought you once wanted. You were driven by your passion to bring joy to others. To use your voice as a safe place for so many people to call home. And it didn’t take long for that to happen; just not in the way you had envisioned. I may not be old, but I’m wise enough to notice the change in your expression from the beginning to now. You covered it up so well. In pictures and interviews, in magazines and on the big screen. But I saw it.  I saw your smile slip with each passing day. What started as such a blessing ended up bringing you so much pain. You see, life has this way of glorifying moments and I think that’s what happened with you. The bright lights in the big city are filled with such empty promises. Promises of fake friends, fake fans, and even worse, fake love. And that’s why I wish you would’ve known that I loved you. I didn’t need to meet you to know your true intentions. Personally, I don’t think anyone signs up for your career just for the money and fame. I know they’re well aware of it, but the attraction is a lot more innocent. For you, it was that moment when you were alone in your room and you wondered how you could use your talent to connect with the world. It’s the feeling that you got when your parents bought you your first guitar and you spent hours teaching yourself how to play. Until your fingers were bleeding and your mom and dad told you they couldn’t stand to listen to one more minute of you. But I wish I were there, you know? Because I would’ve told you to keep playing. I would’ve told you that if you want your dream to come true, then you have to play and you have to play for you. But you set the guitar down. And you only picked it up when you knew your parents weren’t going to be bothered by the noise.

You were twelve years old when you got that first guitar. And you spent the next three years deciding on whether to listen to your parents or listen to your heart. Most fifteen year olds sit in the back of class just wishing the time would go by so they could get to lunch or go to soccer practice but you, you weren’t like most fifteen year olds. You went home and you finally picked up that guitar. You didn’t care that your parents were mad at you for disobeying them. And you didn’t even care that they said you weren’t invited to the dinner table that night. Why didn’t you care? Because that’s the night you wrote your first song. You wrote about how life isn’t fair, and how your parents don’t understand you. And honestly, it wasn’t very good. But it gave you new dreams. Dreams to not only use your physical voice, but to use your lyrical one as well. You were so happy. Nothing could ever compare to the joy on your face before you went to sleep that night. But the joy didn’t last. Just like all dreams, you wake up from them eventually. The next day you went to school and pretended to be excited for soccer practice at the end of the day. You didn’t even play soccer. You spent the next two years of your life trying to fit in with people that didn’t want you around. Too many moments crying in the bathroom because the friends you thought you had, said your hands were too scaly from playing the guitar, and no one would want to hold them. But I would’ve. Too bad you didn’t know I existed. I can’t decide if it was harder for me to not know you or you to not know me.

You never did finish out your high school years. I guess that’s to be expected with someone that possesses as much talent as you. You posted a few original songs on the Internet, and you performed in a few talent shows across town. I even heard that your parents drove you 8 hours away from home to play for some big corporate executives at some fancy record company. Funny how now that your parents could see your name in lights, they let you play your guitar in peace. I never said anything though. Your smile finally reached your eyes and well you didn’t know me quite yet. I was jealous though. Jealous of the people at school who brought your name up like they knew you. Those same kids who are the reason I cant go in the second stall in the bathroom by the cafeteria. I went in there one day after I heard you crying and it made me cry too. I cried for you and I cried for me. For you because you didn’t deserve to shed tears over people whom only used your embarrassment to impress others. And for me, because I was caught up in the mix of being too shy to talk to you and being too scared that if I did you might not actually be the person I had imagined.

I never got the chance to speak to you before you left school. It wasn’t shocking to hear that you got a record deal; well it wasn’t for me. But you left school so you didn’t get to hear the opinions of the students you left behind. I remember them pretending that you used to be best friends. A few of them mentioned how they thought you could get them into all of these celebrity parties. I just kept my mouth shut though. Secretly hoping that one day you would meet them all again and tell them to f**k off. I never told anyone about my admiration for you. I assume they would probably think it was creepy or maybe they would just tell me that I was crushing too hard. But the truth is, I just wanted you to know that someone was there for you. In all the times you thought you were alone in your dream, I was there. Not in the way that I’m musically inclined too. I mean there was this one time I thought I could play guitar but that lasted all of two weeks. I just thought I could be there for moral support. For those times when you would play all day and write all night and no one told you you were doing a fantastic job. When no one appreciated the next morning that you had just wrote another new song and they brushed it off because all that mattered was your ratings.

We didn’t go to the same school anymore, but I still followed you on social media. I could decipher between which posts came from you and which ones were forced by your management. I witnessed the light in your eye dim over the last four years. You really did love it at the beginning though. Your first awards show, the first time you met your favorite artist, your first headlining tour. Everything you ever dreamt of came so quickly you didn’t even have time to appreciate it. I was lucky enough to see you perform on TV for the first time. When you walked down the red carpet before the show, you looked so beautiful, so elegant. But most importantly I could see your excitement. Your eyes shone so bright that I felt like I was there experiencing the moment with you. Everything was perfect. You came out on stage a little later in the show and your voice was so pure. The whole performance was effortless. Anyone watching you knew that a star was born. They knew that this was what you were meant to do with your life. I remember pausing the TV right when the audience was giving you a standing ovation. I wanted to capture that moment in my head and keep it there forever. To know the look on your face when you’re genuinely happy. I felt like in that moment I could finally work on my dreams.

I don’t have a talent like you do though. No real passion that I could run home to at the end of the day. So I chose the safe route. I went to college after high school and put my time into books and parties and the normalcy of younger adult years. One day I was sitting in the back of class when I heard the news. I was finally going to see you again. My university had won some type of contest to have you play at our opening football game. I thought my infatuation with you had died down during the years I was at school. I mean I even started dating this girl named Shannon. We were happy too. Ironically I met Shannon at the first home football game my freshman year. She was so confident in herself and that drew my instant attraction. She was so graceful in the way she moved and in the way she spoke. But then the opposing team scored the first touchdown and she screamed “f**k you” to the group of students sitting next to us in the visiting teams jerseys. I actually spilt my drink on her from laughing so hard and that’s how we started talking. I walked her to the bathroom insisting that I had to help clean up her shirt. I even offered to buy her a new one, because let’s face it I wasn’t drinking water and that stain probably wouldn’t come out. You know what she said to me though?

 She said, “Maybe I can just borrow yours”. I was smitten from the start. I tried to play at cool and I said,

“I think I need to know your name before I give you the shirt off my back”.

“Shannon” she said

“Shannon” I repeated

“Do I get to know yours” she grinned.

“Taylor”

“Well Taylor, are you going to give me your shirt or are we going to pretend that this stain isn’t messing up my whole outfit”

I laughed, “You’re lucky I have another shirt on under this,” she countered with, “actually you’re lucky because I believe you’re the reason I look like this right now”.

She was right, I was lucky. This week at the upcoming game, and your surprising upcoming performance will be three years since I met Shannon. Almost three years since we started dating. It was actually me that prolonged the commitment, because as pathetic as it is, I was still attached to you. In the beginning, Shannon seemed to attribute my hesitation to a bad breakup. She wasn’t exactly right, but I can’t say she was exactly wrong. You see Morgan, we did have a relationship. Maybe it was completely one-sided. But I’d be lying if I said you didn’t hold a piece of my heart. Two months after meeting Shannon, I decided it was time to move on. I actually gathered the courage to ask her one night when we were sitting on the hood of my car. The radio DJ came back on air and I remember holding my breath;

“That was Morgan Scott’s new single “If we ever did meet”, it was released just last week and has been climbing the charts ever since”

He continued, “When Morgan was asked about this song, she stated it was about someone in her small town back in Pennsylvania. She seemingly didn’t want to discuss anymore of the details about the inspiration, just that this song was influenced by one special person”. “Well you heard it hear first, Morgan Scott has a special someone waiting for her back home. But by the nature of the song, I don’t think they know it quite yet”

In that moment I had never felt so crushed. I mean of course you would be interested in someone else. I suspected that it was some jock. Probably the same one that made fun of you in front of their friends. I know the old story, “if someone is making fun of you they probably like you”. Well whatever, now I could finally give my love to someone who actually wants it.

“Shannon” I said

“Yeah babe” she started, “oh wait I forgot we weren’t official yet”

“That’s fine, you can call me that from now on”

“Wait what?” she questioned

“I want you to call me that from now on, because I want to be with you”

“What do you mean be with me” she probed

“I mean I want to be with you”

“I don’t understand”

 “I mean I want you to be my girlfriend damn it” I somewhat yelled

“Okay let’s take a minute and talk about this for a moment”, she said.

I waited for her to begin again, but I suspected she was waiting for me to speak to her more calmly.

“Shannon” I sighed

“Yeah babe”

I turned to her and laughed, “Will you be my girlfriend”.

“Really?” she asked

“You’ve got to be kidding me” I exclaimed.

“Okay, okay” she giggled, “I admit that was a pretty poor way to ask me out, but I’ll forgive you on the fact that I’ve been waiting two months for you to finally do it”

I breathed out, “Thank you”.

“Thank you”, she said, “Is this the first time a girl ever said yes to you because this isn’t how this kind of stuff really works”

“No” I said

“What do you mean no”

“I mean yes I’ve never been in another relationship but in my defense no girl has ever said no to me”.  Shannon just stared at me for a few moments, and then she kissed me on the cheek, got in the car, and said, “Let’s head back”.

She asked me in the car on the way back what changed. I told her I just decided that I didn’t want to lose what was right in front of me. I don’t suggest she really believed me, but nonetheless she didn’t bring up the topic again. I mean how could I really explain my reasoning. I couldn’t tell her that I needed someone to completely erase your voice inside my head. That’s always been the problem Morgan. You’ve spent too much time in my head; consuming all of my thoughts since I first laid eyes on you. I can still remember you walking into class the first day of middle school; or more like running. You were so late. I remember when the teacher asked how you could already be late on your first day and you didn’t say anything you just sat down. Everyone stared at you and then I heard the snickering because you didn’t reply. I guess our teacher must have caught the red circles around your eyes because he just dropped the subject. It was in that moment that I knew I was hooked on you. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you, and probably for the only time was I glad that you didn’t look up at me. I didn’t want you to see me staring at you because I didn’t want you to think I was doing it for the same reason the other kids were. I wasn’t looking because I thought you were different, I was looking because I thought you were perfect.

So here we are now, four years later and all the air I thought I had managed to gather in my lungs has been taken away from me. Away from me in your name again Morgan.

“Did you hear the news?” Shannon asked

“What” I replied

“Morgan Scott is going to be performing at our school!”

“Yeah someone mentioned it in class”

“Isn’t this crazy”

“Why would it be crazy?”

“Because you like, know her, don’t you” Shannon looked at me puzzled.

“I said we went to the same school, not that I knew her”.

“Well it was high school so isn’t that pretty much the same thing?”

“I guess” I shrugged.

“Oookay, “well I don’t know why you’re being weird but I’m excited”. “I mean don’t you remember when you took us to see her on our one year anniversary”.

Oh trust me I remembered. It took me two full weeks to get the image of you on stage out of my head. It took me another two weeks to forget your lyrics. And I don’t remember how long it took me to get over it and tell myself that we weren’t going to be in the same town tomorrow. So imagine my shock when I found out that I would see you again by the end of the week.

“Taylor”

“Taylor”

“TAYLOR” Shannon yelled.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong, I’m waiting for you to tell me”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” I stated.

“You keep zoning out, do you want to tell me why?”

“Oh sorry” I apologized, “I guess I didn’t really get much sleep last night”

Shan looked at me like she had something she wanted to say, “maybe you should go lay down and I’ll come over after my next class”

“Thanks babe, I’ll see you later” I leaned in to give her a kiss but she turned her head and I got her cheek. I didn’t bother calling her back to me because it dawned on me that she slept over last night and we both went to bed by 10 pm. “Off to a good start”, I thought to myself. Let’s see how many more ways I can screw up this weekend. Like clockwork, Shannon showed up at my dorm ten minutes after her class was scheduled to be over. I know it takes at least 7 minutes to walk there from here so she didn’t waste much time hanging around after class. I was secretly hoping that she wouldn’t bring up anything about our earlier discussion, so when she opened the door I greeted her with a quick kiss.

“Hey, how was class?”

“It was fine,” she said.

“Just fine” I replied.

“Yep”. If that isn’t the universal sign for I’m in trouble.

“Is everything okay?” I asked

“Fine, why wouldn’t it be”.

“Can you stop saying fine?”

“Well what would you like me to say… babe”.

“I would like for you to tell me the truth.”

“The truth is hard to come by these days isn’t it?”

“Okay, if you have something to say just say it”.

“If I have something to say?”

“Yeah, who else”.

“Who else?” she laughed. “I don’t know, maybe the same person who lied to me before I left for class”.

“I never lied to you” I exclaimed.

“Oh you never lied?” she countered

“No not that I can remember” *face palm

“Oh my god Taylor, will you just spit it out” she screamed

“Shannon can’t you just tell me what you’re waiting for me to say”

“Unbelievable”. She started walking back out the door. I quickly put myself in front of her and the handle, “Hey wait, I’m sorry if I upset you, but I don’t know what I did wrong”. “I don’t know either” she started sniffling. “Hey hey” I cooed “Why are you crying”. “I just” she huffed as I started rubbing circles on her back, “I just keep thinking that you’re getting sick of me”.

“What?” I asked back in shocked. “Why on earth would you think that”.

“Well earlier when I told you about the concert you seemed like you didn’t want anything to do with it. And I thought it would mean so much to our relationship since we both went to see her on our one year and it’ll be three years since we first met and really I just”

“Okay stop for a minute” She stopped.

“Now take a deep breath” She did.

“I’m not getting sick of you”

“You’re not?” she questioned.

“No, I’m not” “I know it’s been a tradition for us to go to these opening games but I just thought we could celebrate differently this year”. I lied

“Why would you want to do that? I mean it’s our senior year, the last time we’ll ever get to do this.”

“Yeah but we don’t know where we’re going to be this time next year and I don’t want to waste anytime with you doing the same things”.

“You think this would be wasted time”

“No I just”

“No you think that the place where we first met was a waste of time”

“I didn’t say that”

“You didn’t have to”. I didn’t get to stop her from walking out the door this time. I tried calling her and telling her to come back but I knew she wouldn’t pick up. And now here I am lying in bed wondering why it’s you that’s crossing my mind and not Shannon. God I’m a horrible person. I really do love Shannon; I just can’t seem to stop my thoughts of you. I cant help but wonder what you’re doing right now Morgan. Are you even excited to be playing at some stupid University? I mean you’ve sold out Madison Square Garden surely this wont mean much to you. And that’s got me thinking why you’re even going to be here in the first place. I’m betting it was your management right. They thought it would be good publicity to see you doing “charity work” by performing at schools across the country. I guess it’s hard for me to envision you being happy here. Maybe that’s why the thought of seeing you on Saturday is making me feel so anxious. I don’t want my first time in two years to be tainted by a fake smile. Does that make me selfish? That I want to see you for who you really are. I send one last text to Shannon before I roll over and try to stop thinking about you, at least until tomorrow.

“I’m sorry about our fight. I didn’t mean to imply that what we have is a waste of time. You know how I feel about you; I guess senior year is just really starting to make me think about our future. I don’t expect you to reply, but just know that I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready to talk. I love you Shannon, sleep well”.

After waking up I rolled over, and just like I suspected there was no response from Shannon. I guess there’s not much I can do about it now. I figure I might as well get dressed and head to class. She’ll reach out to me when she’s ready. It didn’t take long for her to reach out considering she’s sitting at my kitchen table right now.

“Hi” I started.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Wait, you’re sorry?”

“Yeah I overreacted last night” “If you want to do something else for our anniversary then that’s fine by me”.

“No wait” I said. “Let’s go to the game”

“Are you sure?” she replied.

“Yeah you were right it’s where everything between us started let’s not waste this opportunity”.

“You know I’m really beginning to hate the word waste”.

I laughed, “Let’s just go get the tickets”.

Well, it feels good to be forgiven but I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the entirety of your concert without messing up again. I don’t want to come off too excited because I know Shannon will question it, but then again I am excited to see you Morgan. Maybe a little nervous, but definitely excited.

Reviews

[matrixmark]

The first few chapters were....intriguing that's for sure. You drew me into this story and I wanted to know who you were talking about. The introduction felt like a guy watching a girl from afar but didn't heave the courage to go up to her. I was alomst telling the person to go into the bathroom when the person was crying.

Then the name finally comes...Morgan.
I like how you introduced her to the reader - coming over the radio - neat little trick. The next couplde of paragraphs reallyshow how bad taylor has it for Morgan. Being with Shannon but still can't shake Morgan from his head really shows. Your dialogue was good when it came to them arguing - really felt the tension and anger.

I liked how you talked about what was goin on inside Taylors head. It literally was a great insight of how the guy was thinking. This was a very creative and original piece which I really warmed too.

I liked the way in which you ended it too - could be a follow up...maybe?
Thanks for the journey, I enjoyed it.
Mark.