Adolescence/Pre-Trans (Age 14)

Fast forward to being a freshman in high school. Fourteen years old, same layered shoulder length hair. The "random" persona stayed for the first couple years of high school, making me either a love-'em or hate-'em type of kid. Then in junior year, I adopted a new personality; a celebration to get rid of previous personalities I developed over my middle school years. The "randomness" ceased a bit, and I didn't feel so on edge about how I acted anymore because I was not bullied in high school. This personality change was genuine, and it was me trying to find myself again, to which I still have today. Meanwhile, online from ages eleven to fifteen, I was somebody else entirely. My personality was the same as real life, but I went by a girl named Sam. My mother never wanted to name me Ariel, and I always preferred my mother over my father. She wanted to name me Samantha Joann, hence why I made my online nickname Sam. Rarely, when I felt like it and when I was with people who were not my friends, I went by a boy named Sam. My dislike for myself because I wasn't girly enough was the cause of me always trying to be someone else online, because I couldn't in real life. When I played games online people automatically thought I was a boy, so I thought it was easier to play along instead of possibly be questioned or ridiculed for being a girl. The same reasoning goes for why I was afraid to enter video game sections in stores. I learned I did not have to live as myself online, so I chose not to. When it came time to be myself off the Web, I was always very grumpy and did not properly care about myself or the people that I actually knew, especially family. I constantly wished to be online, under the guise of "it's fun" rather than me wanting to be someone else.

I never felt pretty as a prepubescent girl because of my personality. Even though I liked myself, I thought my peers couldn't because I was a tomboy, and to some degree I was right. I convinced myself, "Some people look better as a guy, some as a girl. I happen to look better as a guy." I tried to think of other people's perceptions of me, but it probably ended up being mostly my own. I can only see that style of thinking to be saying looking good should be top priority, which contributes to my vanity.

When I was fourteen in the summer, my mom forced me a couple times to wear short shorts to school. I protested because I knew it was a bit revealing, and was embarrassed yet somehow excited to go to school. In a way I liked the attention; I never got it from people like I saw other girls would. I rejected it on the outside because you're not supposed to like it, but my ego or my innocence�" the part that does like it�" was accepting it because I never got it, which I find kind of disgusting. Moving a little toward catcalling, I'm usually in generally nice places of New York so people are polite. There was one time in the winter that I was catcalled as a boy, and I was so confused and despaired because that was the first time I was catcalled and it happened when I was trying to be a different gender. That was a time I did not accept the attention, maybe because it was from someone I didn't know or because guys don't usually get catcalled by other guys. Perhaps a reason I turned trans in the first place was because I wanted to rid of unwanted attention I saw other girls get, while having never actually receiving it much. I never truly understood it, but in that way maybe I even wanted to feel more like a woman by rejecting misogyny and "becoming a man." The complexity of many concepts my brain held are entirely blamed on thinking way too hard about things, to the point of not actively forming thoughts but performing what I wished to achieve�" I regret to say, social justice.

One incident that made me pretty uncomfortable as a young teenager was when I tried to sell an old phone to a guy on Craigslist. Not a great idea in the first place, but I digress. He was lightly trying to make moves on me while I showed no interest at all throughout. At the end of the transaction he asked if I wanted to get together some time, which I ignored. Later that evening he texted the number I put on Craigslist, making comments about a few pictures I forgot to delete. I discarded the fake number so I don't know if he continued to write me, but I wouldn't put it past him.

Another incident is when I was going to get a haircut. I got a male hairdresser which I was fine with, until he started saying I was very pretty and asking if I had a boyfriend. That was the last time I went to that place for about four years, and I would get anxiety every time I had to walk past, which was often because it was in my neighborhood. When I did end up going again, I was anxious the entire time, praying he wouldn't show up. Thankfully he didn't, but sometimes when I pass by even today, he's looking out the front and I hope he doesn't recognize me.

The biggest incident was a time with my friend, Krystal, in a park. There was a group of other young teens with us, whom I was only friends with a couple while I did not know the rest. One of the guys looked like a drunk somewhere in his 20's. Krystal was on her boyfriend's lap while they were making out in public, and opposite of them, I happened to be near the older guy. The guy eyed me while asking me to sit on his lap, and for some reason I did it. He says, "I want some of that," and slowly leaned toward me. Krystal must be a multitasker, because she seemed to notice rather quickly how uncomfortable I was. She said, "Hey, Ariel, let's go over here," while dragging me away and I felt saved. She suddenly felt like a godsend in that moment, and I wished I could have hugged her. I want to tell every girl that it is so important to be helpful to your fellow girls, because the last thing anyone needs is petty competition.

In middle school through high school, I privately referred myself to the nickname King. The name came about because I had the thought process of "girls can't be kings, I'm different than them!" It was probably one of the first definite signs of showing my misconstrued gender mentality, or a need to be unique. In high school, I was bold enough to label a Chinese food container in the house with "King," which confused the hell out of my parents. I painfully often tried to convince them that I was different for them to change their ways and in doing so, show me they loved me. But they didn’t; mom said she would never change for anyone, not even her own daughter. To me, that meant she would not accept or tolerate me as well, and she very well did not until years later during the end. The entire trans ordeal made my rebel phase very apparent to her and my stepfather, sometimes even after it was over.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Okay, in this installment, everything actually sounds right on track. I kinda did the same rejecting "feminine" clothes and ways and adopting the "hippie" culture and style because I knew I was no damn cheerleader. Not as extreme as your experience, but the way you explained your reasoning resonated with me. I was surprised that Krystal, who you earlier referred to as a bully, actually "saved" you from yourself and a creep. Good on her for that, and I'm glad she came through for you on that occasion.
"King'! I like it. I'd keep it, since it has such meaning for you. Who cares if most think it's a masculine designation? Hell, there's some mighty prissy little girls who think they grown because they don't live at home anymore and gots a job and s**t and they call themselves Queens! Nothing could be further from the truth, but in your case, you probably actually have Kingly attributes - honor, dignity, fairness...so....why not?
HA! I didn't get "catcalled" until I started bartending at the tender age of 18 in Houma, Louisiana in 1975. Dear God, I'm old as S**T!!!
Moving on....

[Macciola]

Ahh no no, it's a different Krystal, the earlier one was "Krystle" (I knew a bunch somehow)
Well thank you! I'm not sure if I'd want to keep the nickname because it reminds me of that time and all I want to do is move forward and be progressive with my life