Childhood/Backstory (Ages 0-13)

Before age fifteen, the ideas of more than a binary gender and singular sexuality were foreign to me. Everyone was either a boy or a girl, and attracted to the opposite sex. I have had romantic feelings towards women probably my entire life, but until I turned twelve, I had not accepted I was bisexual. I suppressed my thoughts with excuses of my family’s religion�" Catholicism. I never truly believed in their teachings but I was scared of disappointing them all, so I lied to myself about my "impure" yet innocent fantasies about being romantic with another girl.

I grew up in a very gendered and sheltered household and society, as I'm sure a lot do minus the sheltered part. The stereotype of "growing up with a single mother will make you more feminine" seemed to work the opposite for me. I do not remember much about how I was brought up before my parents got divorced at my age of five, but I do remember developing a love for video games. My mother raised me as a girl for as long as she could; she would buy me feminine clothing but I always preferred a casual t-shirt and jeans. When it came time to wear a dress for a fancy event, I never liked it but I would do it anyway to please her. My mother was my role model for a good part of the beginning of my life. I did whatever she did simply because she did it. I also followed her opinions until I got to be about age twelve, when I started forming my own and becoming rebellious toward her about it. She is very conservative, while I remained more on the liberal side. There was a lot of tension because of our clash of beliefs.

 

As a child, I never questioned my gender because everyone said I was a girl and I just didn't fight it. As I started becoming my own person after having followed peers and not gaining my own personality for so long, I became more opinionated and tried to find myself more. But because I was not a stereotypical girl, I believed that I would be a different gender. I always felt like I was not as feminine as other girls in looks or personality. I thought it didn't, but it did bother me. As a child in the clothing stores, my mom would sometimes ask me what I wanted to buy. The girls' section were mostly bright pink or sparkly with sequins, and I never liked it. I was outward about hating every option and as a result of that I thought I hated shopping, which added on to my dysphoria in later years.

 

I never fit in properly with many of the other kids at school. When meeting someone, I was socially awkward and then gradually became more outgoing with each person. More often than not, they would stray to become closer friends with each other than with me. I was too boyish for the girls and too girlish for the boys. I played with snails and got dirty a lot, but I also liked to play House and draw. Related to this, I looked up to my cousin a lot. Being two years older than me, he felt like the big brother I never had. We played video games together often, and he was my friend before anyone else was. We were close before it abruptly stopped. We never really had closure, so whenever we see each other now it is always friendly but awkward. Since he was my first friend, he helped form my "boyish" interests and express them. I was a big fan of Pokémon, Sonic the Hedgehog, and video games in general, which were not typically seen as girl interests. I stayed more with the girls in elementary and the beginning of middle school solely because of gender. Even then, I preferred it that way; the boys were too rough and rude, and didn’t want to try befriending a girl, and I was okay with that. In first grade, like many I had a boy  who picked on me by pulling my hair. I told the teacher and she said it was just because he liked me, along with not correcting him. Boys will be boys, after all.

 

In elementary school, I did not want to accept my shoe size or height because for some reason I thought it to be too big. I constantly compared my physicality to Krystle and Francine, some girls who were in my class. They were petite and Krystle was very pretty, but I resented her. Just because she was pretty, I thought I wasn't because she was able to often have the attention of my at-the-time crush. There is a certain competition with women, and I definitely used to be guilty of it. Sometimes I catch the glare towards me from strangers in public, and it feels personal because there is seemingly no reason for it. It reminds me of my silent rivalry with Krystle, and makes me feel like they are still threatened by the existence of other women.

 

I attended Girl Scouts for six years. It was fun at first and I made a friend, but my troop did the same basic things every time. Sleeping over at the Hall of Science was fun the first time, but not the other five. My cousin joined the Cub Scouts. Because I looked to him for guidance in a way, I wanted to join Scouts as well. It wasn't immediate, but I found out the differences between the Cub and Girl Scouts. The Cubs actually learned and did something useful, while the Girls were sitting in a school's lunch room for almost every meeting. We were only given simple activities to do for little to no gain. Sure, we sold cookies at some point, but that was it. That is not what I signed up for, and I envied the Cub Scouts for actually going outside and doing. Early 2000s Girl Scouts was much different than the Girl Scouts we have in the 2010s. Outside of Girl Scouts, thinking I was trans gave me the power to feel confident in my own body. On the other hand, I felt like I couldn't have a strong personality solely because I was a girl. Back when I went, we were not empowering our girls like we did our straight boys. Now, Girl Scouts is publicly advertising confidence in the female sex. I'm proud the next generations are able to receive the strength Girl Scouts is now offering.

 

Let's talk about puberty! But not actual puberty, only the one I wished I was experiencing when I was a little too young for it. For one I wanted bigger breasts without stuffing, so I would knowingly wear bras that were one size too big to try to look like I had bigger breasts. I was so eager to start menstruation so I could feel like an adult. My Girl Scouts troop gave out pads once, and I wanted to use it immediately so I fooled myself into thinking I got my period instead of my vagina doing the normal act of cleaning itself. Why would any child have excitement about puberty? Maybe adults indirectly teach kids that adulthood is better than their childhood, or children just think it on their own. But children should appreciate their childhood more, and this goes back to my previous point about giving baby dolls to little girls. Yes, it is a toy, but why specifically a doll of a baby? What does the entire act imply? Other dolls or stuffed animals at least imply friendship, but baby dolls must imply being a mother when the child is way too young to be doing anything of the sort. This goes back to my own experience with puberty, it is the implication of being excited to grow up when I was way too young.

 

I also attended tap dance lessons for two years. One of the shows made me wear a strangely provocative costume which I did not mind and actually liked. My society has taught a girl less than ten years old that in order to feel good about herself she needs to look sexy, and it's utterly disgusting. There are even bikinis and sexy Halloween costumes in children and teen sizes. I can only feel like my society has a blatant fetishization of the young, who under any normal circumstance cannot be sexual. Slightly related to this, a game I would play only when I was alone would be making Barbie dolls and similar be provocative, because that's what I thought adult women were supposed to do. If children are sexual, it is because they want to imitate or be seen as an adult. In the case of bikinis and sexy costumes, it is the adults who perpetuate this behavior. Why do we not encourage our kids to appreciate their innocence? Why do we teach them, intentionally or not, that sex should be a part of their lives at such a young age? Children do not even realize what they are doing to themselves, and we do not try to help them as much as we should. Normalizing sex is one thing, but in any sexual situation, children are victims. They notice, even if they do not realize it until later in their life.

 

In middle school, as a result of immediate bullying, I developed low self-esteem. Due to the few instances that would have provoked it and the fact that I was too proud, I did not acquire low self-esteem in elementary school. But as soon as middle school hit, it was a whole other ball game. Alexandra, my first bully, would not allow me to have friends other than her. I quickly lost my sense of self and became a robot so as to not get physically, mentally, and emotionally hurt. As a very sheltered ten to eleven year old, I did not try to fight back, and nobody attempted to help me even if they knew. After staying with only her for a while, I latched on to some of her personality so she could perhaps like me more and hit me less. After about two years, she grew bored of me (or herself) and let us finally drift apart while I floated into the arms of my second bully. Kelly was different from Alexandra; it seemed amazing at first. She actually tried to be my friend, but soon after, she consistently hit me. Some were playful, most were not. So I was right back to where I started, and the entirety of middle school was spent flinching and afraid of these girls who I thought held some kind of power over me. I was taught nothing of the sort, but I grew up basically thinking that I was beneath everyone in the world. I was a doormat for anyone who decided to step on me.

 

Having virtually no real personality in middle school due to constant bullying, I would change my personality to keep the new friends I made, and I'll be damned if I said it didn't work. I went from my original mousey self to a drone, to a fake emo whose mom (thankfully) never let me wear too embarrassing clothing or hair, to a "random" persona who felt likable because I successfully blocked out any form of distaste that I was met with. I acted confident, and I eventually believed it. I pretended I didn’t care about any of the hate thrown at me, and for a while I actually didn't. Looking back, it was a good plan for the moment, even if spontaneous. To help this, when I was ten, I started frequently using the internet as a means to distract me from my bullies and world. It was certainly an addiction, but what else could a friendless child do? I made a ton of friends online, who helped me cope by just being friendly with me when no one in reality made the effort to.

 

When I was twelve, I told a hair stylist to do what she would recommend for a cut. She gave me a layered shoulder-length�" at the time my shortest haircut yet, and I loved it. She said that because I have a round face, shorter hairstyles would look better on me. I thought I looked amazing; such a positive change. I could say this is probably where my obsession with my hair stems from, as now many years later, that has not changed one bit. I kept this hair style for a good three or four years, as when I thought something looked good on me, I milked it every step of the way and did not change it until I didn't like it anymore. After all I went by the saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

 

Near the end of middle school, I met a boy named Luke who I very much looked up to and had a crush on. He was so cool and likable with his emo style, rockin' music taste, and just with how funny he was. I wanted to be like him either for him to notice me, or just so I could be as liked by other people and myself. I vied for his acknowledgement to no avail, but that came to an end when middle school did. There is no doubt that he definitely played a part in how my first style came when I changed my gender just a couple years later.

Reviews

[Carol Cashes]

Jesus, this is fascinating s**t. Sorry for language, but as unmovable and adamant as I am about good manners, I'm also the best damn cusser I know!
I remember similar experiences, but we had tomboys: they played basketball and softball...like really seriously. I played softball, too, but these chicks lived it. And it was okay. How in the world did things go backwards when we should have been moving forward, opening our horizons and boundaries?
I was a total "hippie", which dismayed my Southern Belle mother as I only wanted to wear faded jeans and tee shirts. But, again, it was the SEVENTIES. I'm beginning to wonder if that wasn't just the best era ever. I wasn't particularly beautiful, and my family didn't have money, so I was not "popular", but I had friends like me...being cool was paramount, smoking pot, talking s**t...
I really hate that you missed out on such a vital and important step in the process of becoming an adult or the person you were inside. The ages of 14 to 18 should be some of the best ever. Yes, I suffered puberty and all the required angst...am I pretty? Does HE like me? My hair, OH GOD, will not behave today, I'm not going to school like this! Those kinds of things are normal. I'm rambling now, sweetie and I'm sorry. I'm moving on....

[Macciola]

Hey no worries! It made me laugh since I didn't expect it, and I'm also a connoisseur of cussing :p
Lol, I'm pretty sure everyone goes through all the anxieties of being a teenager, and hopefully the experience the fun times too! I eventually did, and it was a little later than I think it should have happened, but in a way I'm glad about it because now I'm an adult and I can experience all that without worrying how it would affect me when I became an adult (because I am one now and I know how to handle everything better!)