driving away from a deathbed

for my aunt - thank you for raising me when my parents could not.

will anyone write stories when she’s gone?

or will she be just another hero forgotten?

oh mama’s crying on the steering wheel 

and brother’s puking in the back

i’m trying to cover up the gashing hole

of the love we clearly lack

she shouldn’t have to suffer this life

the bravest woman you’ll meet

merely a girl on death’s door

i’m sorry 

i cannot do for you what you have done for me 

thank you 

Reviews

[Aneurin]

first decent poem I've seen on this site after going through the discover page for a bit. vague, but in a very evocative way, with very clear and interesting imagery that bounces around and doesn't seem overly unimaginative, direct, or clear. the peak of this is the section between "oh mama's crying on the steering wheel" and "she shouldn't have to suffer this life". feels extremely emotionally charged, in a way that the reader can feel without even having to fully understand it. the whole thing also has a good sense of voice. I could take or leave the last 3-4 lines. they're not bad, and they don't ruin the poem, but I don't think there's that much to them. they feel far less meaningful and interesting than many of the earlier lines. most of the rhyming and rhythm works, but that means you have to adhere to it more, and there are a few points where it sort of struggles in that regard. bits seem shoehorned in or stretched in order to make them rhyme or fit with the rhythm.

I don't rate things out of 100. my rating is: "pretty good. I enjoyed. you're cool."

[mae]

thank you for your review! i always appreciate when someone makes an effort to share their own knowledge and expertise. i hope you’ll stick around my page and share more. -mabel

[amomentforus]

"i’m trying to cover up the gashing hole of the love we clearly lack" very poignant. definitely felt this in the bottom of my chest and the top of my stomach

[jacob erin-cilberto]

This is so sad. And it is done so well in that the rhyme is subtle, not overwhelming...They give us life and when theirs is about to expire, we wish we could return the favor.
j.

[mae]

thank you. i appreciate the words you take time to put into people’s lives. -mabel