The Hangry Games

Twelve friends find themselves competing in a fight to the death scenario.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this tale are fictitious. If any characters bare reassemble to any real-life people you may rest assured it is a coincidence. At some points these coincidences may appear to be highly improbable.

 

                A selection of four cars wound through various traffic, on a perfectly ordinary day. Eleven adults and one toddler were within said cars, on their way to a sophisticated tea party. These being the kind of sophisticated adult-type people you would expect to attend tea parties.
 
                “Tan,” Said the front seat occupant of the last car. “We’re going to be late.”
                “No, we’re not Tan, it’s fine.” The driver was a far more laid back, less sassy kind of human being. Confusingly, the two were both called Tanveer, but preferred to be called Tan. In the back was Amelia and Nabila. One of these two was a small creature who wandered about from location to location in life in a fairly relaxed and carefree manner. The other was a two-year-old named Nabila.
 
                “Do you think the Tans are going to be late?” David asked his wife in the lead car. “They are running on Asian time, after all.”
          Asian time " according to the stereotype " is a different timescale which means Asiatic folk cannot be expected to be punctual by Greenwich Mean Time.
                “It’s not a problem if they’re late.” Anna replied (his wife is called Anna by the way, they were the only two people in the leading car.) “As long as we all get there.”
 
                Fate had decreed that they would not all get there. Fate’s a real b***h like that sometimes.
 
                Bob and Alicia were annoying one another in Alicia’s car, the second in the group of cars. Angphu sat in the back watching with an amused eye. The two were varied their conversation between bickering and joking about sexual liaisons. It is important to note they were not flirting. They’re just friends. There’s absolutely nothing going on there. Nothing at all.
                “Can’t wait to be sipping tea and putting cakes in my belly!” Angphu said cheerfully. This barely interrupted the flow of not-flirting in the front seats, so Angphu decided to take a nap.
 
                In the third car the driver was kindly sharing some very insightful information about the American election. He gave such thorough detail and cited so many reliable sources it will astonish you to hear that the two occupants of the car weren’t listening to a word he was saying. Niamh and Robert listened to the radio, humming along.
                Ahead of the train of cars appeared an unexpected tunnel.
                “Is that tunnel normally there?” Anna asked David in the lead car.
                “No, I suspect it’s a plot device designed to lead us further on into the larger story.”
                “What are you going on about?”
                “Nothing, dear.”
                Into the tunnel they went. Their car was carried forward by a large conveyor belt. Though they braked there seemed to be nothing they could do to stop the car moving inexorably forwards. The conveyor belt was like nothing you’ve ever seen before. It was as wide as two lanes of traffic with only a small strip of stationary concrete to one side of the lanes.
                “Ooh look, Bob and Alicia’s car is behind us, let’s wave!”
                “David, now does not seem to be an appropriate time for waving.”
                “Yes, dear.”
 
                In the car behind similar difficulty was occurring.
                “Alicia, were the hell have you driven us?”
                “It’s not my fault, the tunnel just appeared from nowhere!”
                “Tunnels don’t just appear from nowhere. Jeez, Alicia.”
                Behind them Angphu snoozed, comfortably unaware of the predicament.
 
                The third car had just entered the tunnel. The driver (a chap named Oscar) continued his soliloquy on politics and might have done so for some time had he not been interrupted by his Jamaican friend yelling loudly in alarm. Robert the Jamaican had a strapping pair of lungs, so the sound did not escape the driver’s notice.
 
                “Tan, I think we’re lost.” This was said in the last car.
                “It’s fine, we must have just turned into a tunnel by accident, the satnav will still get us there.” Tan-the-man was not going to lose his nonchalance just because he had been transported into a mysterious tunnel.
                “B***h, we lost!” This was the sassy reply.
                Amelia was too busy playing peekaboo in the back seat to join in the discourse. She seemed to be playing on her own, Nabila was singularly unimpressed with the performance. She was licking the car window.
                Suddenly bright lights and loud noise surrounded the cars, a whole array of special effects that a much better author than I could describe beautifully. The cars at the end of the tunnel were vanishing quite as suddenly as the tunnel itself has appeared.
                Everyone found themselves in a various countryside places, each car isolated in an individual location.
*
                Everyone in each of their vehicles agreed it would be a good idea to put their satnav on to try and work out what in the name of Satan’s arse was going on. The clear familiar voice of British Satellite navigation only had the following words to say;
                “You have been removed from your destination. You will not be returned to your preferred journey until you have all engaged in combat to determine a winner. Only one adult may survive. If you do not cooperate with these instructions a nuclear bomb will be left in a highly inconvenient location and detonated.”
                This calm and ominous message was repeated on a loop until they had all heard it several times. They tried to call each other, desperate to hear one another’s voices. There was no signal though.
               
 
                “Oh, I see what’s happening.” David said from his seat. “We’re doing hunger games. All of us are going to have to fight to the death.”
                “Don’t be silly Dave we’re not going to kill our friends.” David’s wife Anna rolled her eyes.
                “No, I think the author’s made it quite clear that this is a hunger games situation. Personally, I feel like they could have put a bit more effort into coming up with a more original story line, but that’s neither here nor there.”
                “David.”
                “Yes dear?”
                “Do shut up.”
 
                The second car occupants seemed to be coming to a similar conclusion.
                “We’re not going to do what the satnav tells us.” Bob decided firmly. “That’s crazy talk.”
                “What about the nuclear bomb though?” Alicia sounded really concerned. “If we don’t do as it says then they’ll drop a bomb and kill loads of innocent people!”
                “Alicia,” Bob pointed out calmly. “Do you really think you’re capable of killing me?”
                “No.” She said, without hesitation. “I’d never kill you, that would break my Hippocratic oath!”
                “Oh wow. So, the oath’s the only thing protecting me? You’d kill your own friend, eh? I’m hurt Alicia, deeply hurt.”
                Bob was clearly joking and Alicia giggled appreciatively.
 
Over in car three Oscar the driver had stepped out of his vehicle. He had heard the satnav and was trying to apply his knowledge of satellite navigations to try and work out where the signal was coming from. His manly brow was furrowed in deep thought, as cogs and wheels turned over and over searching through the deep libraries of his mind.
He couldn’t quite work it out.
Getting back in the car he sighed.
“Okay guys, this situation is like the book Battle Royale.”
“What book?” Niamh asked.
“Battle Royale by Koushun Takemi. It’s the book The Hunger Games is based on.”
“Well why didn’t you just say Hunger Games?”
“This situation is more like Battle Royale. You see in Battle Royale the characters are on a bus before they are transported to the island where they have to kill their classmates…”
Niamh wasn’t listening to the monolog. She had stepped out of the car to hum the four notes of the Hunger Games trilogy. The hum turned to a sing, and the song become full throated and glorious. Robert (the Jamaican chap) was sat in the front seat, trying not to panic. His posture was relaxed, and he formed the epitome of the nonchalant brown skinned gentleman. The effect was only slightly ruined by the whites of his eyes, which were clearly visible all the way around the irises of his startled expression.
“Aw man, this is totally illegal. Illegal totally. If I had my briefcase we could sue that satnav. Sure could. I’d get us all free as well, sure I would.”
 
The voice on all the Satnav’s issued new instructions.
You have all been provided with equipment to assist you with the games in hand. Each equipment pack has been tailored to suit your needs. Good luck players! May the odds be ever favourable!
“Ever favourable? Shouldn’t it be ever in your favour?”
“I think the satnav is trying to avoid copyright infringement.”
In their four separate places the occupants were getting out of their cars and looking for the promised equipment. Some were very disappointed.
 
“A rolling pin!?” Anna said sarcastically. “Wow this is going to be really useful in a fight. Thank goodness the woman has a rolling pin! I’ll win for sure now.”
Annoyingly it was a really good rolling pin she had had her eye on for a while. It was a marble pin with a wooden handle, nice and wide for all those times when standard rolling pins don’t cut it. That someone had taken the time to select such a high-quality rolling pin; in Anna’s opinion made the insult even greater.
“Don’t worry Anna, my package came with something incredibly useful.”
“What?”
“A black cape.” David whipped on the cape, making a brooding, dangerous and mysterious facial expression. Well, that’s what he was aiming for, I’m sure. In reality it came out closer to constipated.
“That is not going to help.”
“You forget my dear,” David leaned in doing his best Batman impression. “I am the night.”
“Did they give us nothing useful? I’ve got piping bags and mixing bowls, but no actual food.”
“Oh well, under the cape, barely worthy of mention, are some items. There appear to be some semi-automatic firearms in here.”
“Perhaps you should have mentioned that first?”
“Hardly seemed important with the cape situation.”
 
Alicia and Bob were exploring their own bags.
“This is great! A fully functioning medical kit! Oh wow, they’ve even put in local and general anaesthetic. Huh. I’ve got flour and butter and eggs… But nothing to cook them with? What did you get, Bob?”
“A telescope.” He sounded deeply unamused at the idea of using a telescope for self-defence. “Plus, a sabre. That’s not too bad I suppose, not that I’m going to use it, us all being friends and whatnot. I suppose the scope might be useful. It’s getting dark, maybe I can use the stars to work out where we are.”
Angphu was still blissfully asleep in the car.
“Angphu wake up.” Alicia prodded him gently. “We’re all in great danger. No one wants to die in their sleep.”
Angpu did wake up, and to his credit being surrounded by unknown woods did not startle him. Nor did an explanation of events affect his perpetual good mood.
“Seem fine to me. No one’s going to hurt anyone else. I don’t suppose this secluded forest of woods has a Nando’s in it?”
“It seems highly unlikely.”
“Unlikely, eh? So, what you’re saying is; it’s still a possibility?”
“Check your rucksack, Angphu.” Bob decided to drop the Nando’s line of conversation. His loyalty belonged to KFC. “We’ve all been given stuff to “Help” us win”
“Okay, what do we have in here?” Angphu started rummaging. “Oh, it’s one of those lunchboxes that’s insulated to keep it warm. Hey there’s Nando’s in here! Winning!”
It took a good ten to fifteen minutes to bring Angphu’s attention away from the Nando’s Wing Roulette.
“Oooh, they’ve given me bat shaped ninja throwing stars! Isn’t that great? Also, there’s seems to be some icing sugar.”
 
Meanwhile the occupants of car three were exploring the contents of their bag.
“Beer. More Beer. Beer again.” Oscar had an enormous rucksack, which appeared to contain a great deal of beer. “Alcohol free beer? Oh, there’s some firewood at the bottom of the bag. Not really necessary, I can see some secluded woods a couple of miles away. We can get firewood there.”
“I’ve got an axe in mine.” Robert was rummaging through his own bag. “Heavy two-handed thing. We can use that to cut firewood, right? Hmmm, they’ve put some hot sauce in there as well. Mm, tasty.”
“My bags got a cigarette holder, cigarettes… There’s a bunch lighters in here!” Niamh lit her cigarette, looking classy as hell with the holder. “Oh, they’ve put bread and milk in here too.”
 
Car four were also exploring their rucksacks.
“Nappies. Premade crumble mix. Make up.” Tan was incredibly annoyed. “What the hell man? How am I supposed to win the hunger games with this crap?”
“I’ve got a rifle in mine.” Tan-the-man handed the rifle to his wife. She was a much better shot than he was. “Halal chicken, nothing to cook it with. There’s a board game as well. Twilight struggle? We’ll never have time to finish a game of that.”
“I’ve got wine in mine.” Amelia was searching through her bag, looking quite chuffed to find the wine. She honestly had no idea how she could be expected to cope with this horrible situation without wine. “Quite a lot of wine. Oh no, not Blossom Hill. Mother and father will never forgive me if they find out I’ve been drinking Blossom Hill. Hmm, teacakes and scones. There’s some teabags and water in here too.”
“Ooh look Nabilia’s got her own idee biddy rucksack.”
There was indeed a small rucksack for Nabilia. The pack appeared to contain an Iggle Piggle (whoever the hell that’s supposed to be) and an iPad. A disappointing haul.
“Oh well, it could be worse. At least we can keep Nabila distracted while we sort this mess out. Nabila, come and talk to Iggle Piggle.”
Tan turned back to the car to show the rucksack to Nabila. The doors were still open from when they got out of the car to search for their rucksacks. Also, it appeared that Nabila had finally learnt how to unbuckle her seatbelt.
Nabila the toddler had vanished.
 
“Okay, Alicia.” Bob was sitting in the passenger seat giving instructions to his friend in the driving seat. “All we need to do is drive out of our current location and find somewhere to set up the telescope.”
In the back Angphu was squashed in with the aforementioned telescopic equipment.
“Oh, we can use the telescope to look for everyone else!”
“Yes Alicia, that’s the plan.” Bob didn’t want to admit he wanted to look at the stars. The idea of using the scope to find his friends had not occurred to him. In his defence, he was having a very stressful day.
“Oh no, I’m going to scratch the car on all these branches. I’m going to be in so much trouble when I get home.”
“Focus, Alicia.”
“Oh, right. Yes.”
The car crawled forward. Owing to bad luck, the car emerged on the side of the forest that was not visible to Oscar, who happened to be looking at the woods at that very moment.
They emerged travelling uphill. After about five minutes of slow driving they crested the top and started descending.
“Alicia, you might want to brake now.” Bob’s voice was deceptively calm.
“Why.”
“You’re about to drive us off of the edge of a cliff.”
 
“Hey David, is that Nabila?”
Anna and David’s car was in a valley between two hills. At the top of the shortest hill was the silhouette of an Asian toddler.
“You know what this means?” David said excitedly.
“That we should go and get her, because she’s incredibly young and we’re in the middle of the hunger games?”
“Well yes that,” David put his rucksack on and started walking with Anna towards the child. “But it also means the Tans are really close by! Toddlers can’t walk very far on their own.”
 
 
Alicia swore loudly and desperately kicked the break. The might still have gone plummeting to an untimely death had Bob not reached over to the hand break and calmly activated it. Bob is unflappable in the face of danger.
They stopped with about two feet to spare.
 
Tan, being an experienced mother, never panicked when she lost her child. She began immediately seeking clues and was annoyed when her husband found the clue first.
“Look Tan,” Tan-the-man was glancing at small muddy footprints leading uphill. “She went this way!”
The three of them dashed after the footprints, running to try and find Nabila, who somehow had travelled quite far without the watchful eyes of parents.
The rifle and wine were left behind, forgotten for the moment.
 
It did not take Anna and David long to reach Nabila. David lifted her up and held her. She squirmed in protest, unhappy at losing her newly won freedom.
“Can you say Uncle Dave?” David said, smiling at her. “Uncle Dave?”
Nabila continued to squirm, somehow climbing over David’s shoulder. There she found an open rucksack, with a semi-automatic weapon.
If there’s one thing you should never give an inquisitive toddler, it’s a gun with a hair trigger.
 
Bob had stepped out of the car and stood looking over the edge of the cliff. Far below he could see the sea. Bob stepped back and placed a hand on the bonnet of the car to reassure himself. Bob is acrophobic. He would argue that fearing heights should not be deemed a phobia, “phobia” being a word that implies an irrational fear. Fearing heights on a planet with gravity is just common sense.
“Alicia put the car in reverse and get us away from the edge of this cliff.”
Angphu noticed that Alicia was complying. “Wait, Alicia. Let Bob get away from the car.”
“Oops.” Alicia fumbled with the controls, halfway through putting the car in reverse. In fact, she had changed gear and put the car in reverse, her foot firmly on the peddle. Alicia is one of these people who does like to be told what to do halfway through doing something, but she could see the sense in what Angphu was saying. Her hand though, on some kind of autopilot, had taken the handbrake off.
The car revved, moving neither forward or backward. Bob took a hasty step away from the car.
Gunshot sounded in the distance.
Unfortunately, this startled Alicia and her foot came off the accelerator. The car rolled towards Bob. Bob’s hasty retreat took him to the edge of the cliff and Alicia managed to get the handbrake on in time to stop the car and nudge Bob over the edge of the cliff where he plummeted to his untimely death.
“Classic Alicia.” Bob muttered to himself as he fell. In the face of death, he was still quite unflappable.
 
“Nabila,” Anna was holding her hand out to the child encouragingly. “Why don’t you give me the gun?”
Nabila was not in a cooperative mood. She could not understand why Uncle Dave (No relation, just a nickname.) had rudely dropped her and become incredibly still. The fact that he had bled all over her only added insult to injury.
“Nabila, give me the gun.” Anna was ignoring her dead husband for the moment. The gun wielding three-year-old seemed more important in this particular time.
At this moment Tan, Tan-the-man and Amelia ran up the hill. They saw Anna and the recently deceased David and came to some pretty harsh conclusions.
“Anna, you killed David!”
“Told you she’s a killer.”
“It’s always the quiet ones.”
“I did not kill David.” Anna stamped her foot angrily. “Why does everyone always say I’m the serial killer? It doesn’t make sense. Nabila is the one who killed Dave, not me.”
“Really?” Tan sounded almost proud of her daughter.
“Yes.”
“I don’t think so.” Tan-the-man looked suspicious. “How’s a toddler supposed to fire a gun?”
Just then Nabila accidently touched the hair trigger and fired off a few bullets. She dropped the gun, startled. It had been much quieter while it was inside the rucksack.
“Like that.” Anna’s moment of I-told-you-so was somewhat ruined by the three bullet holes she now possessed. “Oh bother.”
Anna collapsed.
 
Two cannon sounds fired from the satnav.
 
“Two cannon shots?” Oscar frowned thoughtfully. “What does that mean?”
Oscar paid more attention to Jennifer Lawrence than to the actual plot mechanics when he watched the hunger games.
Niamh was quite familiar with the story though.
 
“Two cannon shots mean two are dead.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
This story will be continued in the "The Hangry games; part two!"