Fool's Friday

Fool’s Friday

I swore he saw me, clear as day,

the way his eyes would never stray.

A silent promise, warm and true,

a love I thought he always knew.

But Friday came and took my breath,

a moment killing dreams to death.

There he stood, with hands in hers,

soft words entwined in whispered blurs.

And I just watched, too numb to speak,

my heart collapsing, frail and weak.

The truth sank in, so sharp, so fast,

I was a fool to think we'd last.

He never knew the love I gave,

how deep I fell, how hard I caved.

And now I stand, alone, betrayed,

Choking on what they call 'fate'. 

And no matter how much I've prayed,

This love wasn't meant to be saved.



Improved version (after getting feedback):

Fool's Friday

I swore he saw me - eyes that stayed,
a silent pull that never strayed.
A fleeting glance, a breath held tight,
a love that bloomed in borrowed light.

I built a world from quiet stares,
from hopes and dreams no one declares.
No words were spoken, none were missed,
yet still, I swore that we had this.

Then Friday came - his hand in hers,
soft laughter wrapped in whispered blurs.
A crimson rose, a ribboned fate,
meant for her - I was too late.

The weight of truth sank sharp and fast,
had he ever looked - had I miscast?
Had I just dreamed the moments spun,
believing love that had never begun?

And so I watched, a fading name,
no one to fault, no one to blame.
No vows were made, óne heart was torn,
so still, I stand and quietly mourn.

Author's Note

I would appreciate it if you could take the time to read this and leave a review :)

Reviews

[Beren Ongur]

Well, this is actually so deep and so successfully written. I felt every part of it and I’m pretty sure we all been through that and you Explained this feelings perfectly. I am glad that you are here and I know you will Keep writing amazing poems like this. You are so good with words and Narration goes perfectly. Keep writing we will be reading! I added on my favorites already!

[m_soulverses]

That's so sweet ! Thanks a lot for taking time to read this, I appreciate your support !

[Beren Ongur]

I think you’re a great poet and I will wait for your other works!

[m_soulverses]

The same goes for you ! :))

[JayG]

Your handling of prosody is better than the vast majority of those posting on online sites.

The only negative comment I might make is that it reads too much like the "dismal Damsel" poems by teen girls experiencing their first failed romantic attachment that fill high school lit mags: An unknown someone is addressing an unknown third party, complaining about their treatment, poetically. But, speaking as the reader, how do we know it's not the speaker's fault?

My point? Involve your reader. instead of speaking of an unknown person's feelings, make the READER feel and care.

That aside: well done. And it's rare that I say that on this site.

[m_soulverses]

Thank you so much!! It means a lot. I really appreciate your comment and I will try to change my poem with your feedback :)

[m_soulverses]

I uploaded an improved version of my poem, keeping your feedback in mind while making changes. I hope this version speaks to you more, and that I was able to improve it in the way you were hoping for, even if just a little.

[Sami Khalil]

Sad to know, painful to experience, sorrowful to fathom.

[m_soulverses]

True! Thanks for taking time to read this :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome.

[Dylan Macadham]

A well-storied new take on Betrayal & a Broken Heart.
..a stabbing pain only time will heal.

[m_soulverses]

Thank you so much for taking time to read this !