Few minutes more

My first poem trying to capture the last few minutes of life.

Lived my life, loved my life

I beg for more, few minutes more

 

Unsaid goodbyes, confessions yet

Deathbed secrets, still in debt

 

Mechanic alarms, human screams

Upsetting an infant’s dream

 

Ten foot tsunami? Mushroom cloud?

Which of these would be my shroud?

 

Chasing eyes, to submerge

Don’t feel her pain, she must be dead

 

Sky turns red, I hear a roar

I wish I had a few minutes more.

Author's Note

I would really like some feedback and yes be gentle :)

Reviews

[Matt Sayer]

Some really nice lines, especially "Unsaid goodbyes, confessions yet, Deathbed secrets, still in debt".
The second-last stanza sticks out a little, being that it does not rhyme, and I feel that the stanza before (the third last) is a little thematically discordant. Still, some very nice imagery here. Well done! :)

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thanks Matt. Glad you liked it. This was my first attempt on poetry. The one with mechanic alarms, I wanted to create an imagery where everyone is running amok while an infant still is in bed sleeping but is unaware of the impending doom.

[Matt Sayer]

Oh no, I understand the imagery. I was referring to the stanza after that, relating to the tsunami and mushroom cloud. I just think you veer slightly off topic, after focusing on the deathbed scene with a desire for more time.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Got it. I see what you are saying.

[Akshay Rawal]

I feel there is an ambiguity of roles. The beginning lines- Lived my life, loved my life - seems to be a dialogue of an old man about to decease and seems to know the agent of his death. The lines- ten feet tsunani? Mushroom cloud? which of these would be my shroud? implies the uncertainity of the agent. Only this has irked me a little. But keeping in mind this is your first attempt into poetry, this is laudable.

[Akshay Rawal]

I feel there is an ambiguity of roles. The beginning lines- Lived my life, loved my life - seems to be a dialogue of an old man about to decease and seems to know the agent of his death. The lines- ten feet tsunani? Mushroom cloud? which of these would be my shroud? implies the uncertainity of the agent. Only this has irked me a little. But keeping in mind this is your first attempt into poetry, this is laudable.

[Nevtry]

Wow. Nicely written piece. The second and third stanza's are my favourite. The line "Don’t feel her pain, she must be dead" stuck out oddly though - it doesn't rhyme as well as the rest does.

[Marie]

Short and well focused...captures dying thoughts with image filled words...

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thanks Marie.

[Sami Khalil]

"Unsaid goodbyes, confessions yet

Deathbed secrets, still in debt



Mechanic alarms, human screams"

Well written...:)....................

[Colton Patterson]

Very smooth poetry, quite inspiring. Keep writing my friend:)

[UniqueChi]

Its really good!! Stop doubting yourself lol