Losing a friend

Rahul returns to school after his father's death but everything is not the same anymore.

It was a new day for Rahul but not in a good way. It was his first day at school after his father died barely at forty five in a horrible car accident. The past few days were kind of a blur but images of the unfortunate night were vivid as he played them over and over in his tender mind. He tried to think about something else but that seemed beyond his control. So he did the same during his twenty minute ride to school.

As devastated as she was, Rahul’s mother did not waste any time in trying to bring some normalcy back to his life and although the school provided ample leniency to Rahul’s situation, she brought him to school after a couple of weeks. During these two weeks eleven year old Rahul had a lot of growing up to do. Be strong for his mother, keep his little sister entertained and hold his tears back every time she would ask why Pa wasn’t coming home.

Rahul didn’t think coming back to school was a good idea. If he had his way he would change schools as he didn’t want anyone to pity him or see him in this vulnerable state. Rahul’s mother insisted that sooner he went back to school the sooner it would make her happy, so dreading the awkward day ahead of him he said bye to his mother at the east gate of the school. Rahul rushed to his class with his eyes glued to the floor as he did not want run into any of his classmates or teachers. Rahul could feel the peering eyes of his classmates as he entered the classroom and walked toward his desk. The inaudible murmurs were surely about him, he thought. The whispers died down as soon as Ms. Benjamin, Rahul’s class teacher, walked in. Ms. Benjamin was known for her strict rules in class and her students always made fun of her strictness giving her several undue nick names. Of course, contrary to popular notion, Ms. Benjamin was all too human. The stern exterior and the reputation she had built over the years seemed to come crashing down in front of Rahul. She tried not to be emotional but her unusual gentler tone, which was a big shock for the rest of the class and to Rahul, was a big give away.

Ms. Benjamin had a lengthy meeting with Rahul’s mother the previous day to talk about his academic and emotional preparedness and plan for the following days. She knew how hard it would be for a boy to lose his father at this age and was proud of the courage he showed in being ready for school. Rahul was not Ms. Benjamin’s top student in class as he was academically challenged but she always admired his humility and discipline. As he needed extra coaching in several subjects at the beginning of the year, she had decided to seat him next to Suresh. Suresh was a bright student who did very well in all subjects and she talked to him in helping Rahul in any way he can. Suresh took Rahul under his wing to make sure he understood what he learned during the day and Rahul’s grades gradually rose as a result of this partnership. Slowly, this seating arrangement gave way to an inseparable friendship. Now, both chose to hang out with each other. They would be together during recess, lunch breaks and even walked home from school together.

As Rahul got to know Suresh better he learned that Suresh’s parents were bound by several superstitions and rituals which Suresh also unquestioningly accepted. Suresh parents taught him to always walk east to school, not to make eye contact with dogs, and be glad to spot a funeral on the way to class test since it was considered good omen. Suresh followed his parent’s orders but this didn’t make any sense to Rahul. Suresh mostly did not like to talk about his beliefs but cited the effect of his rituals on his success at school. Rahul mostly followed Suresh’s advice on school lessons but ignored his life lessons. Regardless, they both shared a valuable friendship. They shared more in common talking about cricket, movies and videogames and this trumped their differences in lifestyles.

“Turn to page eight Rahul of your English book Rahul” Ms. Benjamin quitely whispered.

Rahul hesitantly took his book out of his backpack and robotically followed Ms. Benjamin’s instructions. The only thing Rahul was looking forward to that day was to be reunited with his best friend and talk about anything under the sun. After being buried under loads of sympathy and comfort offered by relatives and well wishers after his father’s funeral, Rahul was looking forward to talk to his best pal. Rahul whispered a weak hello to Suresh when he sat down but Suresh seemed to be more interested in what Ms Benjamin had to say.

The first class seemed longer than usual and Rahul could not pay attention most of the lesson. His thoughts were filled with sadness for his dad, the look on his mother, when she left him off at the gate and of course the full reel of the night his father died. The recess bell rang and as the students streamed out of the class, Rahul made another attempt to talk to Suresh.  This also failed as Suresh turned the other direction to talk to someone else. He got his books in order and left for recess without acknowledging his grief stricken pal. Rahul was not sure why Suresh was behaving this way and followed him.

“Suresh!” Rahul yelled trying to keep up with his pace.

He finally caught up with him and put his hand over Suresh’s shoulder to stop him. What happened next seemed to occur in slow motion for Rahul and would last with him for the rest of his life. Suresh turned around removed Rahul’s hand, dusted his shoulder like a slimy bug had crawled on him and gave Rahul a look that he did not quite understand.  He stood stunned as Suresh ran into the playground. Time moved at a normal pace again.

Rahul came back to his class, flopped on his chair and started crying. Ms. Benjamin, thinking he was severely missing his father, asked if he wanted to go home but he insisted in staying on for the rest of the day. He did not understand why his friend was behaving this way and was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this incident. At a time when he needed his friend most, Suresh’s attitude was a big blow to Rahul.

As days passed, Suresh attitude had not changed but Rahul was getting used to the fact that his lab partner was not his best friend anymore. He tried to put a brave face in front of rest of the class as they too could see that the inseparable friendship had come to a screeching halt. Ms. Benjamin was puzzled at Suresh’s request to move him to a different spot but obliged. Rahul’s solitary moments during recess were attributed to “a boy dealing with his father’s loss”. But it was more than that. Rahul had lost more than one person in his life. The person alive was making it worse for him than the person who was dead.

One such quiet moment with himself, Rahul saw someone walk toward him. It was Nitin. Rahul knew very little about Nitin except that he and his gang always got into trouble with Ms. Benjamin. Rahul mostly tried to stay away from them not to be framed as guilty by association.

“Hi Rahul” Nitin said cheerfully.

“Hi” Rahul said looking down.

“I heard about your Dad”

Rahul nodded.

“Just wanted to say, I think you are doing really well. I don’t know what I would do without my Dad”

Rahul looked up at Nitin and gave a weak smile. It was refreshing to hear words of encouragement from a peer. Words he had been longing to hear from Suresh.

As Nitin attempted to walk away, Rahul quickly asked

“Do you know what’s wrong with Suresh? He does not talk to me anymore”

“Oh! you mean monkey face?” Nitin’s resentment toward Suresh mostly stemmed from Suresh’s several complaints to Ms. Benjamin about his misdoings.

Rahul did not like the fact that he was making fun of his friend but a chuckle somehow slipped out.

“You really have no idea? I thought you knew him well” Nitin asked with surprise.

“What?” Rahul looked puzzled.

“You are a bad omen now Rahul. A fatherless child. Any friendship with you will only cause him failures. I am sure that’s what his parents told him”

“That’s not true…I was his best friend” Rahul pleaded.

“I know what his beliefs are Rahul. Only my parents are smart enough not to believe any of that crap. They taught me to respect my friends and treat them nicely no matter who they are.”

Rahul did not understand. He was not sure if he could believe Nitin but there was clearly a reason why Suresh had changed and this seemed to make the most possible explanation. Rahul did not know what else to say as he realized he was being punished by his friend for being a bad omen. Nitin could see this troubling realization landing on Rahul’s face.

“Rahul, don’t worry about it man. So what if monkey face does not want to talk to you? You can always make new friends” Nitin said putting his hand over his shoulder.

“Hey, we are playing seven stones with Vikram and his gang and we are missing one person in our team. Are you up for it?” Nitin asked Rahul almost dragging him to the playground.

Rahul quickly nodded. It felt good to be wanted again.

Till now, Rahul wanted to get back to the life that was, the life that he missed, where he had both his parents and he could talk about his day to his dad. But now he was realizing it was going to be a new life for him, without his father, and with new friends.

For the first time after his father’s death, that was okay for Rahul.

 

Author's Note

Critiques and comments welcome

Reviews

[Akshay Rawal]

I liked it, seriously. Pleasant things like love and happiness can be found at unusual places. And I have no problem with the descriptive aspect, unless it expatiates things of no pertinence too much. You were relevant and not word-wasting.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thank you Akshay for your review.

[Mayank]

It's a good story however, the description was too much. I mean, yes you need description when you have definite plot or you want to describe surrounding so that the reader create the image in his head. Like describing class room, stair case or the atmosphere around at playground. The stories was little flat but considering you are writing good stuff and by no means I don't want to discourage you. Even, I am not pro guy for stories or anything for that matter, it was a nice read.

[Marie]

THis is too long. You need to cut out some of the first part and concentrate on Rahal's friendship with Suresh. Give a little more detail on why Suresh would have abandoned Rahal.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Appreciate your review Marie. Perhaps my point is not coming through and I need to change it. I dont want this story to be about friendship but rather Rahul's getting over his father's death.

[Kristin Lee]

Very heartfelt story. Needs some edits but you've got the outline for a great story here.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thanks. I am glad you like it.

[roarke]

A heart felt story. There's lots in here to express, but I think this draft needs some changes. The first paragraph is awkward. I feel you struggling to get into this piece and the first paragraph swims around and repeats words. Streamline it or change it's perspective.

In the next section, the references to the story Around the World in Eighty Days, is distracting. I think the two best friends Salim and Suresh have names too similar, it gets confusing. Last critique, I think all your introduced characters need more space, more of their own story told, not in length but in solidifying the personalities and their contributions to Salim's story.

I see a conflict between the story line. Salim's father dies, he loses the perceived closeness of his best friend, his teacher has a hard side and a soft side to her personality, then you mention a character Vikram, who has his own impressions distracting from Salim.

Where the story solidifies for me is when Nitin enters the picture and speaks with Salim. From there to the end, the story is clear, direct, and I relate to it as a reader. Apply this same approach to the beginning and this story will light up.

I'm not being harsh. I have three stories with similar problems giving me a headache. lol Where is the story? When does it begin? Who's point of view is it? Sometimes I find my problems are right at the beginning. It's like in sports, you warm up before playing, stretch the muscles, focus the mind, then play the sport. Inspiration is powerful. Always go with it, then afterwards, temper it, keeping the glow of the metal intact.

You are a very talented writer and I like all your stories. This one will glow too.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thank you for your comments. All valid comments. I think the focus of the story should be on Salim and not distracted by Miss Benjamin and her lesson. You are right about the fact that there needs to be a little more definition on the characters. All comments were very constructive. Thanks again.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Made some changes. Hope this improved the narration. Let me know what you think of it. Thank you for all your suggestions

[Nevtry]

Nice story. I felt bad for Salim and am glad that he found new friends.

There are some places where you have grammar problems and used the wrong words (if you want, I could tell you where), but overall it's a nice piece. Also, I felt like you were overemphasizing Miss Benjamin's tough reputation, but you didn't really explain it, making it stick out in a negative way. Mentioning it once as a fact and not a focus is fine without a reason behind it because it just becomes part of the character. But since you mentioned it several times, a reason (even if it's simple like keeping the class in order) would be helpful.

And the timing is a little too quick at some parts of the story because you go from explaining what happens step by step, to summarizing, and then back to more details. Using a break in the writing instead of briefly mentioning what occurs in those less important hours would make for better consistency.

Overall though, a nice read.

- N

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Thank you for reading N. I am glad the comments have a pattern about things that are distracting away from Salim's story. I shall make the changes

[Nevtry]

Okay. Could you please tell me when you post up the new version? I'd like to read it.

[Mashoosh Kateb]

Made changes. Let me know what you think of it. Thank you for your susggestions.

[Nevtry]

I have re-read it, and it is better. Did you change the name to distance this story from your other one? It's not a bad thing, I'm just wondering.

I do want to mention though that the occasional comma is still missing. One grammatical note: You need to have punctuation at the end of a quotation (a lot of the dialogue is missing this). And the one sentence that didn't make sense was this one:

'“What?” Nitin looked puzzled.' I think you mean Rahul there, not Nitin.

Other than that, I do like how you mentioned how Ms. Benjamin is human, despite her tough reputation, but the part after returns to the idea that she a super strict, mean teacher and this is the first time that she's ever been nice. That's fine, but then the question rises as to how Rahul knows that his teacher is human (not in the literal sense).

And explaining Suresh's parents is definitely a good thing, too. Overall, I liked it. Good work.

- N