Chapter 1: A Bedtime story

Chapter 1 of my story called 'The Third Night'.

“The story’s just a story,

It’s the meaning that matters.

The same goes for life…

The body’s just a story.”

 

1

 

“The legend goes that in medieval times there once was a brave, unabashed knight, also known as Akuma. Having slain hundreds of dragons and monsters, people called him the bravest, most skilled knight out there. Whenever someone was in trouble, Akuma would grab his sword and go straight into the action, additionally risking his own life. Yet his greatest challenge still had to come.”

 

I was listening with excitement. I heard my mother clearing her throat while preparing to go on reading.

 

“One day, the king, ruler of the land, sent a messenger to speak to Akuma. Still breathing heavily from his journey, the messenger handed over a scroll. Akuma read the message, word after word, still unaware of what challenge was lying ahead of him. When he was done reading, he immediately drew his sword and jumped on his horse, off to a great adventure.”

 

The sound of my mother’s voice suddenly faded out. I heard her closing the book, laying it on my wooden nightstand. A few moments of silence.

 

“Sounds like an interesting story. Do you want me to read more?” She said, casting a warm smile. I nodded gently. It more or less seemed to be a rhetorical question, since I always answered yes to a ‘do-you-want-me-to-read-more’ question. I felt my mother’s hand tossing in my dark brown hair. I chuckled, trying to remove her hand. “Tomorrow, my dear. Now it’s bedtime for you.” She stood up from her seat at the edge of the bed and gave me a gentle kiss on my cheek. The dim light which once tried it’s best to light up the room disappeared after mother flipped the small switch attached to the lamp.  “Goodnight, sweetheart.” she said, while walking out of my room. Only a tiny strip of light leaked through the almost closed door.

 

The heat which reigned in my room was terrible, it made falling asleep even harder. It was summer after all, in the daytime temperatures usually rose above 30 degrees Celsius. Well, one thing which made up for the intense heat was summer vacation.

 

I was very curious to see how Akuma’s adventure would proceed. To be honest, I was rather childish for someone of my age. Soon I would turn thirteen, and still my mother read out bedtime stories aloud for me. I didn’t feel ashamed or something though, why would I. Chris, my best friend, was someone who really resembled my personality. Additionally, we were able to get on very well with each other.

 

Ultimately all the thinking took its toll on me. I couldn’t stop my mouth from opening by itself, which was caused by my brain desperately trying to get his hands on more oxygen. I gave in to the fatigue and let my eyes rest. Off we went, off to the dream world.

 

The early morning light reached my eyes, slowly waking me up from my sleep. My consciousness eventually returned fully. The curtains in my room were partly transparent, and additionally they were not able to stop all the light from entering my room. I looked at the alarm clock on my nightstand. 8:30, time to get up.

 

Saying goodbye to my comfortable laying position turned out to be much harder than I thought it would be, but eventually I succeeded in doing so. I quickly replaced my striped pyjama-suit by green shorts and a plain white T-shirt.

 

I shot a quick look in the bathroom mirror. My hair was a mess, as it usually was. I tossed my hand around in my hair, desperately trying to fix it. I might be childish, but I was someone who actually cared about his hair. Well, maybe a bit too much.

 

For some reason I was experiencing the strangest feeling that I wasn’t alone. I shot a look in every direction, but there was no-one or nothing to be seen. I was trying my best not to be bothered by the sudden feeling, but I felt the company of someone else. I looked closely at the mirror, and all of a sudden, a pair of vague shadows appeared in the mirror. I was stunned by their appearance, leaving me staring at the mirror without moving. The shadows became clearer: the crew consisted of 3 children; 2 boys and 1 girl. They all seemed to have the same age as I had, at least, according to their length. Their eyes were frozen, they didn’t move at all. My heart was going crazy at this moment. I felt like I was stuck to the ground, unable to move. “Save us…” I heard a young, feminine voice whispering in my ear. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. I wanted to run away, but I couldn’t.

 

Suddenly the whole scene disappeared. There was nothing left but darkness. My forehead was flooded with sweat, I felt my heart beating rapidly. Only then did I realise the whole scene hadn't been real, though it didn't change anything about it being creepy. I could still hear the words of the little girl echoing through my head: save us…

Author's Note

Little girls never seem to be a good sign in a nightmare, do they?
Please let me know what you think :)
All SUGGESTIONS are welcome.

Reviews

[Bobby Garfield]

The first chapter kind of hooked me and I'll read the rest this week, I guess. The character of a twelve year old boy who is too much into his fantasy world makes me kind of nostalgic; reminds me of Michael Ende or the Princess Bride. Two suggestions: You start with a quote. I really appreciate that, I always do that, too :). But should you not then give some kind of source? And in the next to last paragraph you wrote the numbers as, well, numbers: "2 boys and 1 girl." Might look better, if you use words.

[Mister T.]

Dear Bobby, thank you for reviewing this chapter. To answer your question right away: the quote isn't just some random quote I picked from the internet. I've thought of it myself. So, if that was what you meant, there is no actual source for it. And, as for the numbers, I go along with you there. Using words instead of actual numbers might look better.

[Zyle Christian William ..]

I didn't expect it to take such a creepy turn at the end but I am excited for where this is going!

[Zyle Christian William Cook]

I am also in love with this quote...

The body’s just a story.

[Mister T.]

Glad you enjoyed it! :)

[Rocksie]

I like where this story is going. Its a captivating first chapter.
I noticed some of your sentences seem to distract the reader from the story, as they can be a little repetitive. For example, you can say "also known as" rather than "Also known by the name" (P1), as its quicker but still keeps to the point. Also, "I nodded gently" (P5) is enough to say without adding "answering yes to her question" Lastly, "Soon I would turn thirteen already" (P7) creats confusion for readers. Maybe removing the "already" could solve it.
I like your details, they really paint the picture in readers minds of what you're trying to say. Just try and avoid too many unnecessary words, because that's when you start to lose readers. Sometimes, the simplest way to say it is the best way.
Nice work!

[Mister T.]

Well, speaking about repetitive, I actually try to use different words so it won't get repetitive. That was my intention, really, but maybe I'd overdone it.
About the 'Soon I would turn thirteen already', with this sentence I tried to express that the protagonist feels like he's rather old already, even though you might think that he's only twelve at the moment, which indeed is pretty young, but keep in mind that for the protagonist it feels different.
Anyway, thank you for your review!
Glad you enjoyed it!

[Lavorther]

This is much better than the previous version. It has a lot more details, and just feels more alive. Well done!

I noticed you mentioned the age of the protagonist. If I remember correctly, you didn't do that in the previous version until about chapter 3 or something. I think it was a good choice to include it here, to ensure the mental image the reader forms is correct, and doesn't have to be adjusted later.

Also, I love the ending. Pretty ominous and creepy. There is just one thing I wanted to point out, and that was this: You say in the Author's Note "Little girls never seem to be a good sign in a nightmare, do they?" However, you never actually tell it's a nightmare in the story itself. I thought it was happening in the real world until I read the Author's Note.

One small mistake I noticed:
"A shot a quick look in the bathroom mirror."
"A" should probably be "I".

[Mister T.]

Thank you for your review!
You're right about the age thing, actually. It decided to change some things in the timeline, and additionally I had to mention his age for it to make sense.

I guess I didn't really mention it was a nightmare. Well, I wanted the reader to find it out himself but I guess I haven't given the reader enough clues to do so. I'll do something about that.

Oh yeah, indeed a small mistake. Will fix that.