Episode Natalie: Chapter 1: Old Shadow

The first chapter of Natalie's adventure.

A Simple Soul

Goals Achieved

Hopes Gained

But Despite our Best Efforts,

The Past Can Still Manipulate the Future

 

 

 

1 Year After the Graduation of Team NEMN

The Wilderness South of Vale
Summer

 

 

 

            Natalie sat on the side of a small ledge as the sun started to rise up into the sky.  There weren’t any clouds, and the sun’s rays glistened across the dew sprinkled across the ground.  The birds and other animals started their morning ritual, and Natalie just took it all in.  But after a few minutes of silence, the sounds of awakening began to rise up behind her.  She sighed, got up and made her way back to camp.  She and her good friends, Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, and a young huntsman that Ruby and Weiss had met on their journeys before Natalie had graduated, Oscar Pine.  He was just a young man about Natalie’s age living on a farm south of Mistral when his home was overrun by a horde of Grimm.  While he held his own, it wasn’t until Ruby, Weiss, and Yang arrived that the threat was dealt with.  Afterwards, Oscar was enamored with the Huntresses, and decided to join them on their journey.  Which ended up being a helpful asset, as a few months following Nathan’s graduation, Yang got pregnant and had to leave the group.  Resulting in Natalie having to pick up some of the slack left behind by her brother.  Natalie walked over to Oscar’s tent first as he was the first to wake up.

            “How you holding up farm boy?” Natalie said jokingly.

            “I slept like a rock” Oscar said stretching his back.  “No, wait.  I slept ON a rock.”

            “And you didn’t think to maybe move off the rock?”

            “We’ve been travelling for the past several days through this wilderness on foot” Oscar said with a groan.  “My brain just didn’t care whatsoever.  I was happy to get the shuteye.”

            “Remind me again”, Weiss said with a groan, “why we couldn’t take one of my airships again?”

            “We can’t risk anybody spotting an airship affiliated with the four kingdoms landing in a crime-ridden city” Ruby said as she stepped out of her tent as well.  “If the reports are true, then the moment news like that is public, then our target will run as fast as he can before we even have a chance to even see him.”

            “And you don’t think our very famous faces won’t garner the same reaction once we arrive in Statera?”  Weiss asked tilting her head in confusion.

            “So long as we don’t make a big announcement or entrance once we arrive in Statera,” Natalie said pulling out a fire Dust crystal, “we should be able to capture him without any problem.”  As she said this, she placed the crystal in the remains of their campfire from the night before and ignited it, causing a flame to grow.  Ruby pulled out a frying pan and some eggs and started making breakfast.

            “How does everybody want their eggs?” she asked with a smile.

 

 

 

The Town of Statera

 

 

 

            The four of them stepped through the large wooden archway leading into the town, and despite having read reports about it, all but Natalie were surprised at what they saw before their eyes.  What was only labeled as a town on all the detailed maps of the wilderness between the Kingdoms was not simply a town, but rather a gigantic city.  There were a handful of skyscrapers that reached into the sky, cars populating the streets, and buildings built on the slopes of hills and ridges.  The town itself was built in the foothills o the southern face of the mountain range that also ran Beacon and Vale to the north.  Far beyond the ruins of Mountain Glenn and more than a days walk from Vale itself.  And just further to the south creating the border of the city were three giant rivers.  Two of them feeding an even larger one.

            “Holy cow” Oscar said as he took in the tall buildings.  “Are you sure this town isn’t affiliated with any of the four kingdoms?”

            “A bunch of this tech looks almost on par with Mantle” Weiss said in surprise.  “How could they have built all of this without the resources that the kingdoms have?”

            “Aequo was a town built around the idea of being independent of the four kingdoms” Natalie said walking forward past her friends.  “But they weren’t the first ones to pioneer that idea.  When I was still just a kid, I learned in school that the founders of Aequo grew up in Statera before deciding to go off on their own and make their own village.  My parents would take me and Nathan here from time to time for shopping or random meetings my mom had to have with the Huntsmen Council for the region.  Before they moved it to Iudex.”

            “I didn’t know that Statera had such a reputation” Ruby said with a smile.  “What happened to it?”

            “Aequo had a good relationship with both Statera and Vale” Natalie said as she ran her hands through the soot coated walls of one of the skyscrapers.  Statera tried to keep itself honest but when I was about seven, the city got overrun by criminals trying to escape both Ozpin’s new reforms and the growing criminal power of the very man we’re here to try and capture.  And with Aequo falling a few years later, what went from bad went to worse and now we’re here.”  Natalie brushed the soot off her hands as Ruby ran up next to her and grabbed her hand.

“I’m sorry to hear that” she said.  “I wish I could’ve seen the best of this place with you.”

“Maybe someday” Natalie said with a smile.  With that, the four of them ventured deeper into the city.  As they got further and further from the entrance sign, the city itself became dirtier and dirtier.  Soot from Dust factories fell from the skies, drifters walking the streets with cigarettes in their mouths, people with cans and bowls with signs asking for money.  Oscar looked over at one of the beggars, but Natalie grabbed his shoulder and guided him towards a different building.  Another tall building, but not as big as some of the skyscrapers.  This one was brown, and had a small parking lot in front of the building.  They approached the building and entered.  Once they were inside, they could see it was an immaculate lobby for a hotel.  The floor was lined with marble, the walls were painted gold, and everything seemed super fancy.  There was even a grand ballroom just beyond the lobby with a giant skylight above it.  The four of them walked to the receptionist desk and rang the bell.  Moments later, a service android stepped out from the back room.

            “HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU” the machine droned.  Ruby pulled out her wallet and showed a card to the machine.

            “Clearance code 11118” she said with a whisper.  As soon as she said that, the droid made a few beeps and boops, then pulled out a room key.

            “ENJOY YOUR STAY MS. CORIUM” the robot chirped.  With that, the four of them walked into another room and entered one of the elevators.  Ruby then pressed the button for the top floor and the rose into the sky.  Once they reached the top, they exited the elevator and proceeded down the hallway until they reached a room near the end of the hallway.  Ruby then pulled out the card and opened the door, revealing a beautiful hotel room, filled with glittering diamond chandlers, leather couches, and other fine offerings.

            “This is an extreme contrast to everything we’ve seen so far” Oscar said as he took in the vast amount of wealth just in the one room.  “How is a place like this so upscale when there are people suffering below?”

            “Statera was founded on the idea of balance” Natalie said as she stared out the window towards the river and mountains.  “That everything should be in equal play for the rich and the poor.  Problem was, when the extremely rich started to rise to power, the extremely poor increased as well to keep that balance.  To the point where extremes are weighed on a scale instead of equality.  Aequo was already gone by the time the crime families took over, so it never had a chance to get this bad.”

            “But if the famous crime families operate out of here,” Weiss said as she inspected one of the many wine glasses, “then how come they haven’t been arrested or attacked yet?”

            “Simple” Natalie said as she turned back towards her friends.  “They have so much power in this city alone that if any official force moves against them in a large capacity, they could easily attack the innocent people as leverage.  Ozpin tries to move in with an army of Huntsmen and Huntresses?  The people we saw on our way here are the first to be killed as an example.”

            “When did it all fall apart?”  Oscar asked.  “You said it used to be the hub for the Huntsman Council for the region, right?”

            “Yep.  But get enough Huntsmen and Huntresses  who are easily swayed by money that they choose to throw in with the criminals, things got sticky.  It wasn’t a simple overnight change you understand, things slowly but surely got worse overtime.  And once the major dust mining industries all but left this town, most people didn’t have much of a choice but to fall into one of the two extremes.”

            “But if all the dust mining left then what’s with all the soot?”

            “I said the major dust industries left town, not all of them.  And the ones that stayed aren’t exactly willing to fork over the extra cash for emissions protections.”

            “My father usually sends managers he doesn’t like to cities like this to either die or rot” Weiss said with an annoyed sigh.  “He will always find whatever way he can to squeeze every last penny out of people.”

            “I’m surprised he listened to you when you yelled at him during the Vacuo Uprising Weiss” Ruby said as she poured herself a glass of water.  “Given how stubborn he usually is.”

            “That’s in the past now” Weiss said sitting down on a nearby chair.  “We should focus on what brings us here today.

            “Right then” Natalie said as she activated a holographic map on her Scroll and placed it on a central table.  “Ozpin has gotten reports that several shipments of weapons and dust crystals are making their way towards the open sea and will be travelling through the rivers here within the next few days.  Some reports lean towards a lingering Order cell trying to get their hands on this equipment, others point towards pirates who have been plaguing the northern seas for quite some time.  Either way, this isn’t the first time this specific supplier has moved weapons through this city, and we need to put a stop to it.  But like I mentioned, the people running this place aren’t the friendliest, so stealth is key.”

            “In other words, YOU are key” Ruby said with a smile.

            “I will be key for the initial move, yes.  I’ll sneak on board, ensure the location of the cargo for evidence, and then take command of the bridge.  But it’s up to you three to make sure that once I ensure that the ship is under my control that you leap on board and take out the guards before we change course and they realize that something has gone wrong.  And hopefully, nobody in the city will even notice that we were here.”

 

 

 

            The receptionist-bot kept clicking away at his computer when the door opened and a man wearing a white suit coat with black pants and a black bowler hat with a feather sticking out of it while carrying a black cane with a silver handle and a red ferrule on the bottom.  He walked over to the desk and the robot looked up from his work.

            “HOW MAY I ASSIT YOU” the machine chirped once again.

            “Yeah,” the person said as he pulled a cigar out of his pocket, “could you kindly get me the registry of who’s checked in here within the past few hours?”

            “I AM SORRY SIR, BUT THAT INFORMATION IS…..”

            “Ugh, this is why I wish they would use human robots” the stranger said as he pulled out his Scroll and started tapping buttons.  “They at least automatically recognize when they could die in two seconds if they don’t obey me. “  After a few moments, the robot’s face plate started glowing a dim orange and they symbol of a smiling jack-o-lantern appeared on in.

            “MY APOLOGIES SIR, HERE IS THE DATA YOU REQUESTED” as the robot said this, several buttons and lights started going off as the computer began transferring information to the strangers Scroll.  As soon as the transfer was complete, the stranger tipped his hat and headed out the door, but not before dropping his cigar on the floor of the lobby.  As he stepped outside towards a large black limo that was waiting for him, he looked over the pictures that he had received and stopped when he saw a picture of Ruby on his Scroll.  He looked it over to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, and then he started to laugh.

            “Oh little red, little red,” he said as he got into his limo, “how did I know you would try to mess up my business ventures again?”

 

 

 

            The sun began to set over the mountains just beyond the river from their hotel room.  Ruby and Weiss were making sure their weapons were loaded, Oscar ensured that all the equipment was in everybody’s packs, and Natalie made sure that their comms was up and running.

            “Ok, everybody ready?” Natalie asked as she opened up the window.  Everybody in the room nodded their heads in agreement and walked over to the window alongside Natalie.  From there, Natalie and Ruby took both of their weapons and fired cables across towards a slightly smaller building across the street from where they were staying.  The cables flew through the night sky until they landed on the roof of the adjacent building.  From there, small cartridges of gravity dust activated and the cables were weighted on the other end.  As soon as the cables were secured and tightened, the team pulled out ziplines and flew across the streets onto the roof.  From there they gathered themselves and started leaping from rooftop to rooftop making their way towards the river.  After a few more buildings, they finally reached one of the many abandoned dust factories on the riverfront and took up a holding position there.  The river was quiet save for the small noises of the wind and water.  The city itself was fairly well lit up with office lights high above and street lights down below, but the rooftops themselves were not very well lit.  As such, the four of them could move without arousing too much suspicion.  As they continued to wait by the river, the winds started to pick up.  Clouds rolled overhead and covered the stars.  The waters grew even more restless.

            “I do not want to know what the winters are like around here” Oscar said with a slight shiver.

            “They aren’t fun at all, trust me” Natalie said as she pulled her hood over her head.

            “Wouldn’t your parents have stayed in one of the hotels or inns if they were here on business?” Weiss asked.

            “The last time I was here wasn’t with my parents” Natalie said with a sigh.  Ruby was about to speak up when they heard a boat horn off in the distance.

            “Sounds like that’s our cue” Ruby said as she grabbed the rest of their equipment.  She then handed a flare gun to Natalie.  “Fire this once you’ve secured the cargo hold and gained access to the bridge.  As soon as you do, we’ll get on board and help you take care of everything”

            “Will do” Natalie said as she put the flare gun into her gear bag.  With that, she fired another cable towards the ship, and made her way down to the ship itself.  As she got closer to the ship, she activated her semblance and turned invisible.  After a few more moments on the zipline, she reached the deck and disconnected the cable from the ship and let it fall freely to the side.  As she stood back up, she looked over and saw her friends making their way towards the point where the three rivers met.  Natalie then made a beeline for the cargo hold to make sure that everything was in place.  There were a handful of guards along the sides of the ship, but none of them seemed to notice the cable that Natalie used to get on board, or even hear her as she arrived.  Natalie simply shrugged her shoulders and made her way to the interior of the ship.  As she made her way down into the hold, she started seeing less and less guards.  Her concern grew even further, and she quickly ran over to one of the containers.  She morphed her weapon into scythe form and pried open one of the creates, and was surprised to find nothing in there.  She started going through some of the other crates, only to find them all empty as well. Natalie started to panic a little bit, because without the weapons as evidence, they couldn’t track the ship back to its original port and detain the people who sent the weapons in the first place.  She quickly started making her way back up to the deck, but was even more surprised when she reached the top that several floodlights were now turned on and directed towards the center of the ship.  Several guards had now surrounded the area that the lights were focused on, and she couldn’t see what was happening.  So she climbed up the stairs towards the bridge and tried to peek over to see what was happening.  And as soon as she could see, she almost gasped in horror.  Ruby, Weiss and Oscar were all tied up and sitting in the center of the circle the guards had created.  And standing above all of them stood a man with a cane and a bowler hat.

            “Oh you have got to be joking Red!” the stranger laughed spinning his cane around.  “Do you realize how many do-gooders like yourselves have tried to use The Pointe to try and hijack our ships?  Why, I’ve even got a little bet with Neo going on to see from which of the three shores will they attack us from?!  Sadly, I have to admit I owe her about twenty Lien this time, but regardless, you have to do better than that to try and catch Roman Torchwick napping!”  Roman continued to laugh while Ruby kept surveying the soldiers surrounding them.

            “What is all of this Roman?” Ruby yelled at Roman trying to break free of the rope.  “How did you know we were coming?”

            “Red, you walked right into a city notorious for being filled with people who don’t like the law and thought you wouldn’t stand out like a sore thumb?!  All we had to do was figure out where exactly you were going to try to attack us!”

            “Well then, why not take these restraints off and see how much better you’ve gotten since we last fought?”

            “Now now kiddo, as much as I’d love to give you a thrashing after our last little bout back in Vale all those years ago, you seem to be one do-gooder short.”

            “Not sure what you’re talking about.  You’ve already caught all three of us.”

            “Little red, oh little red!  What part of I’ve been reading you like a book since you got here did you not understand!  Is she your insurance plan?  Or maybe she’s your tech person?  Like in the movies?  Oh wait, that’s right.  She’s your little girlfriend, miss disappear.”  Natalie’s eyes grew wide when she heard Roman say that.  Ruby seemed unfazed, but Roman spun around and had a little chuckle.  “You hear that you stupid little wallflower?!  That’s right, I remember you!  So unless you want this to go about just like last time, you’ll be a good little girl, stop hiding, and join your stupid friends!”  Natalie had to cover her mouth to keep herself from giving away her position as her breathing started becoming erratic as she struggled to keep herself from panicking.

            “Not again,” she whispered to herself, “please not again.”

Author's Note

Please read/review/enjoy!

Reviews

[JayG]

Natalie sat on the side of a small ledge as the sun started to rise up into the sky.

Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Thre's a lot that can be condensed, and the fewer words the faster it reads, giving more impact. And think in terms of context for the reader. If they don't have ut the words are meaningless, to them. Here’s what an editor’s reactions/questions might be on reading this opening line:

1. Where are we? Buildings have ledges, so she might be there, as far as the reader knows. Clarifying later helps not at all, because there is no second first-impression, and we can’t retroactively remove confusion. And…if we don’t know where we are, and how wide the ledge is in any direction, what does “the side of” tell us that’s meaningful? Nothing. You’re talking about a picture in your mind that the reader can’t see. So we literally learn nothing useful in the first 19 words, about where we are, who we are, and what’s going on.

2. The sun doesn’t start to “rise up.” It’s always moving. In fact, before the sun shows above the horizon, dawn has been in progress for a time, so it’s already light out.

3. To rise means to go up. So rise “up” is redundant.

4. Given that everyone knows where the sun travels, telling them that it goes into the sky is redundant, too.

Why not place her, identify her, and start the story in a way that brings the reader in board with something like:
- - - -
The morning’s light on the wall of her tent brought Natalie awake and out of her sleeping bag, while a shiver set her dressing for the chill of morning, Yawning and stretching, she left the tent. None of the others was stirring so she headed to the drop-off that edged the small clearing and settled, back against a tree and legs over the edge, to watch the sun break the horizon and light the Notaro plains far below.
- - - -
Your story? No, just a quick parallel to show another approach. Look at what we learn, incidentally, without the narrator having to be an active participant and destroy any feeling of realism.

1. We’re on a mountain above an area called, the Notaro Plains, in a small, natural clearing,and it’s chill but not cold.
2. She’s sleeping in a tent, alone (“her tent”).
3. She’s not camping alone, though. but the others are still asleep. Moreover, she feels no need to wake them, so they’re obviously not in a hurry.
4. It’s dawn, not overcast, and and the sun has not yet broken the horizon.
5. She’s not concerned over anything, so there’s no known danger. And she apparently is carrying no weapon.

The narrator is involved, but in service of the story, not as a reporter. Natalie wakes. Natalie decides to dress and leave the tent. Her shiver dictates how she dresses—her decision based on her observation, not the plot. She decides not to wake the others after she realizes she’s the only one up. She then decides to sit and watch the sunrise, based on her assessment of the situation. So it’s Natalie’s story, lived in the moment she calls “now,” not the report of a series of events described in overview by an external observer. In other words, the viewpoint SHOWN is Natalie’s, rather than having the narrator TELL about it. Which would you prefer, to live the story or hear about it second-hand, from someone you can neither see nor hear? It’s why we’re so often told to show, not tell. In reality, the axiom “Show, don’t tell,” could be replaced by “Use the protagonist’s viewpoint, not the narrator’s.”

So why didn’t you notice this problem? You can’t, because you, like pretty much everyone else, missed a critical point: Professions are acquired in addition to the set of general skills we’re given in school. And ours is a profession, one they offer four-year degrees in at the universities. Surely at least some of that knowledge is necessary, right?

The fix? Add the skills the pros take for granted to your tool-kit. After all, the fiction you choose to read was created with those techniques, and we no more learn them by reading than we learn to cook by eating. Like bricklaying, and accounting, they’re learned skills. So…learn. After all, you can tell in a paragraph if a story was written by a pro. And that means your readers, expecting professional techniques, will know of you use them.

So, two suggestions to make the job easier. You could work toward a degree in commercial fiction writing, but that’s expensive and takes 4 years. There are also seminars, workshops, and retreats. But to start, the local library’s fiction-writing section is filled with books by publishers, writers, and teachers. So time spent there is time wisely invested.

However…the best book I’ve found to date is available free at the site I link to just below. So grab a copy before they change their mind:
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

It’s the book that got me my first publishing contract offer. With luck it can do that for you. For a taste of the kind of things to be found in it, you might sample a few of the articles in my WordPress Writing blog, linked to at the bottom. They're mostly based n his teaching

So dig in. And while you do, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/