Prelude to War: What has Come Before

Everything that has transpired leading into the events of War of Seasons.

The Order Out in The Open

Secret to the World No Longer

Broken and Scattered Across Remnant

Yet Biding Their Time

Moving the Pieces to Their Proper Places

Before Knocking Them All Down.

 

 

 

Two Years After the Battle of Vytal

The Vacuo Uprising

 

 

 

With the Order of the Four Seasons having been weakened significantly due to the loss of their supreme leader, a large portion of their power began to wither and fade within the Kingdoms of Remnant.  One of those places where they used to have a strong hold on was Vacuo.  The Kingdom, while able to keep itself together for the most part, was feeling the struggles and issues that came with the Order having been pulled out from under their feet so quickly.  As a result, many organizations saw an opportunity to take control of the many resources that Vacuo had to offer.  One of those organizations was the Schnee Dust Company.  At this point in time, Jaques Schnee was still head of the company, and while he attempted to keep the relationship with his middle daughter Weiss intact after the events of the Battle of Vytal, he constantly had to push her away due to her speaking out and trying to wrest control of the company away from her father.  Because of this, Jaques sent his youngest son Whitley to Vacuo to try and claim some of the dust mines and other resources to allow the company to grow further beyond the status of commercial empire that they already had obtained.  However, due to these actions, the White Fang purists who still served under Sienna Kahn and not the Order rushed in and began attacking the outposts that the Schnee Dust Company had begun establishing throughout the Kingdom.  Along with that, the Kingdom of Vacuo and her citizens were not thrilled about people from outside Kingdoms coming in and establishing rule over them overnight.  This triggered a battle between the three different unions.  The people and armies of Vacuo, the small private army funded by the Schnee Dust Company, and the army of extremists who served Sienna Kahn in the White Fang.  

 

After things began to spiral out of control, the other Kingdoms gave their responses to the situation.  Mistral declared that after the events of the Great War so many years ago, they had no desire to invade Vacuo once more, but gave the Huntsmen under their employment permission to help with the Kingdom or army that they aligned with if they were so inclined.  The Kingdom of Atlas, while criticizing the actions of the Schnee Dust Company, refused to send its armies to Vacuo due to the fear that they had of potentially ruining their relationship with the company.  However, they did send in Atlesian Knights and other soldiers to help the civilians affected because of all the fighting.  Along with that, after some successful test results, Atlas allowed Penny Polendina the full rights of a human being and Huntress, and allowed her to do as she pleased.  Her first action with her newfound freedom was to fly in large crates of emergency supplies to a village just west of the capital of Vacuo that had been devastated in a battle between the Schnee Dust Company and the Kingdom of Vacuo.  Vale was not the biggest fan of the conflict, but Professor Ozpin did voice his support of bringing an end to the violence in Vacuo.  He was granted a small army in which to go into Vacuo and try and keep the peace wherever he could, as Vale was an ally of Vacuo in the past.  

 

The conflict lasted for around a year, blood being spilt on both sides.  At this point in time, both Team RWBY and Team JNPR had graduated, but had gone their own separate ways.  Ruby, Weiss, and Yang joined together following their graduation and traveled around Mistral for a while, helping who they could during the time.  Weiss wanted to do something to help stop the conflict that her father had begun, but she also didn’t want to fight against her brother who was stationed in Vacuo.  Due to this, she decided to do what she could away from the conflict.  Ruby and Yang wished to be there to help her through this difficult time.  During this period of time in Mistral, Ruby met a young farmhand named Oscar Pine who longed to be a Huntsman, and Ruby invited him to join them on their journeys.  Ruby saw a lot of herself in young Oscar, which lead to her decision to let him travel with them and learn how to fight.  Yang did wish to remain in Vale with Nathan until he graduated, but Nathan agreed that Yang needed to be there for Weiss.  Blake was not happy with Weiss’ decision to abandon those in need in Vacuo, but understood her situation regarding her family.  Following her graduation, Blake set out to help the people and Faunus in Vacuo.  She teamed up with her ex-boyfriend Sun Wukong (much to the surprise of Miles) and helped the people of the many outlying villages of Vacuo most affected from the conflict.  Miles constantly pled and argued with Professor Ozpin to let him graduate after the first semester instead of waiting for the second semester to end so that he could go out and help Blake, but Professor Ozpin stood firm in not letting Miles graduate earlier than he already was.  Ozpin would constantly point out that while Miles and Blake were a very capable duo, his friends in Team NEMN needed him for graduation before anything else.  Miles and the rest of Team NEMN would not graduate in time to play any form of role in the Vacuo Uprising.  

 

The conflict was starting to stagnate after a year had passed with no clear victor in sight, but then something happened that rapidly ended the conflict.  Since Vacuo was mostly desert and sand, most people thought that their natural resources were only able to be found deep beneath the ground, but then Whitley Schnee got an idea.  Going against his father’s orders to try and claim the capital of Vacuo and finally bring the Kingdom to its knees, he instead went to the location of the former Great Oasis, where it was said to have once been a paradise.  Most people had written off that place due to the fact that it seemed more than likely that all that was able to be found there was nothing since it had been stripped for resources long before the Great War.  However, Whitley had his men dig up the ground and discovered that in fact, due to the lack of certain technological advancements at the time of its discovery, while the Oasis on the surface was near dead, the resources were still thriving deep beneath the ground.  Whitley attempted to keep this under wraps, but word got out.  First, the White Fang got wind of this.  Then the Kingdom of Vacuo.  All three unions meet at the location of the Oasis for a grand battle to determine who would have control over the Oasis.  The battle began, and lasted for five days.  After the first day, word of this battle reached the other three Kingdoms, and they immediately deployed their forces to stand behind Vacuo.  Mistral wanted to atone for their mistakes, Atlas had had enough of the excursions of the Schnee Dust Company, and Vale recognized this as a good opportunity to do some serious damage to the White Fang.  The battle was joined, and it was clear that the Schnee Dust Company and the White Fang were no match for the combined strength of four Kingdoms.  While the Schnee Dust Company was willing to surrender and negotiate a peaceful resolution, Sienna Kahn had other plans.

 

Jaques Schnee reached out to General Ironwood and the leaders of the rest of the armies and requested a cease-fire to discuss an alliance to remove the White Fang from the table and then he was willing to remove his forces from the fray in order to leave the Oasis to Vacuo so they could rebuild their economy.  Nobody knew why Jaques had this change of heart.  Some say it was because he saw a situation he couldn’t win and decided to leave with what he still had.  Others whisper it was because his eldest daughter, Winter Schnee, had gone back home to reprimand her father for his actions over the last year, and that he was allowing Whitley to become a monster.  Nobody knows for sure, but whatever the reason, it was almost all for naught.  For word of the cease-fire reached the ears of Sienna Kahn, and she decided to enact a gamble to try and see if she could win the day.  During the dead of night, the White Fang launched an all out attack against the Schnee Dust Company army base.  Sienna’s plan was to try and take out the Schnee Company army and gain access to  the large amounts of dust, weapons and explosives on site.  With them, she planned to threaten the absolute destruction of the Oasis unless the four Kingdoms declared the site of the Oasis to be a separate state for the White Fang and the Faunus to live in.  However, the night she launched her attack, when her soldiers arrived, their enemies were waiting for them.  No one knows who blew the whistle on Sienna’s attack.  What people do know, is that because of this, many White Fang members lost their lives.  Sienna and a few of her most loyal followers managed to escape in the confusion, but by the dawn of the final day of battle, it was clear to the members of the White Fang who followed Sienna that she was not the person they wanted to follow.  

 

Those who survived the battle were either captured or escaped.  Along with that, there was a substantial drop in numbers of the Faunus who followed Sienna Kahn and the White Fang.  Some fled to Menagerie to try and live the rest of their lives in hiding.  Others turned themselves in and served time in order to rejoin society.  But most turned away from Sienna and found a new purpose in serving the Order of Seasons, who while still in hiding, realized they needed numbers to regain their power.  Alongside that, the former members of the White Fang needed a new banner to serve under and the Order was the easiest and safest option besides surrendering. After the battle ended, the Schnee Dust Company agreed to leave the Oasis to Vacuo in order to help them build a more sustainable economy.  This greatly angered Whitley Schnee, but he obeyed his father’s order and returned to Atlas.  The other three Kingdoms agreed to send scientists and geological surveyors to help Vacuo make the Oasis as grand and wonderful as it once was.  This soon became known as the Oasis Restoration Project.  And within a year and a half, the Oasis flourished again.

 

 

 

 

 

The Paths Following Graduation

After the Battle of Vytal-The Atlesian Revolution

 

 

 

 

Case of Natalie Grover

 

Following her graduation from Beacon, Natalie decided to join Ruby, Oscar, Weiss, and Yang on their journey of helping those who needed it most.  Nathan joined her on their journey for a while, but they had to leave when Yang became pregnant with their first child.  After their departure, the four of them continued to help those wherever they could.  Despite the fact that Natalie was thrilled to be spending more time with her girlfriend after spending some time apart with her still in school and Ruby out and about in the world, her primary focus was being a Huntress.  And much like Ruby, it ate up a large part of her time.  It was interesting to say the least, and when Natalie did travel with Yang, it did make the latter a bit homesick for her own partner.  Weiss as well still had lingering feeling regarding Neptune, but given the family drama she was dealing with, it was a welcome reprieve to simply travel the world.  Natalie enjoyed the time with her friends, as well as the opportunity to spend even more time with her girlfriend as they grew even closer still.

 

 

Case of Evan Hahn

 

In the last few years of their time at Beacon, Evan and Christy decided to end their relationship.  While it was hard for the both of them and made many interactions between Team NEMN and Team JCTB very awkward for a time, the two of them made an effort to try and keep a friendship alive despite the fact that it was painful for the both of them, even when they were in a group with other people and not fully interacting with one another.  Following graduation, in an effort to truly discover himself, Evan roamed the world of Remnant as a nomadic Huntsman for hire.  He would take work wherever he could find it, but never at the cost of another person’s life or for a cause he did not stand for.  He spent much of his life like this.  Sometimes he would come across his old friends and teammates, but always parted ways when the job was done.  But be it either by the hand of destiny or by pure luck, Evan was guided to the proper place in order to take part in the Atlesian Revolution when the time arrived.

 

 

Case of Miles Watson

 

            Following his graduation, the Vacuo uprising was over, and Miles was unable to help Blake during that event.  Discouraged, but not defeated, he sought to figure out the best way in which he could help people around the world.  Blake reached out to him and told him that despite the conflict being over, there was still work to be done in helping Vacuo reach a state of stability.  Between helping refugees from the conflict and fighting off hordes of Grimm, Miles was busy for much of the time that he spent in Vacuo.  After spending about a year in Vacuo helping Blake and Sun, Professor Ozpin approached Blake and Sun with information about the creation of a fifth Cross Continental Transmit System Tower to be built in Menagerie.  While Blake was excited about the opportunity, Sun was a bit hesitant, as he wished to remain in his home Kingdom and help rebuild there.  Miles stepped up and accepted the position to help Blake and the people of Menagerie build the new CCTS Tower.  During this time, Miles finally got a chance to meet Blake’s parents, Ghira and Kali.  While they were hesitant at first about Blake’s boyfriend not being a Faunus, in time they opened up to Miles.  Miles and Ghira spent a good amount of time working together on building the new CCTS Tower together while Kali and Blake helped as well, along with working closely with the leaders of the world to finalize information about what the tower could bring to the people of Menagerie.  But when word reached Miles and Blake about the Atlesian Revolution, They quickly dropped everything and rushed to the aid of their friend.

 

 

Case of Nathan Grover

 

Following graduation from Beacon, Nathan and Yang were rather quick to tie the knot as a couple.  While their rush into marriage was a quick one, some would argue that their desire to spend their honeymoon fighting Creatures of Grimm and bandits was far quicker.  For a few months following their marriage, Nathan and Yang joined Natalie, Weiss, Ruby, and Oscar on their journey across the world.  But they quickly pulled out following the discovery of Yang’s pregnancy with her and Nathan’s first child.  This prompted Nathan to call in a few favors from Professor Ozpin to get them a house within the Kingdom of Vale.  While Ozpin was unable to pull that many strings as he was busy dealing with the Oasis Restoration project as well as running Beacon, Taiyang did come through and help Nathan and Yang build a new home on the small island of Patch.  The house was finished in time for the birth of their daughter Ember Raven Grover/Xiao Long.  The two of them agreed that if Ember was to enroll at one of the academies, either one of her last names would be more than enough to grant her a full ride scholarship.  The two of them traded off doing missions and staying at home to help raise Ember.  More often than not, they were able to stay at home together and help raise her, but when word of the Atlesian Revolution reached their doorstep, they dropped off Ember at Taiyang’s house and made their way to Atlas posthaste.

 

 

Case of Jacob Strohl

 

            After everything that Jacob had gone through with his family during the Battle of Beacon and the events leading up to it, he decided that following graduation he would take some time to see the world and figure things out for himself.  After a few years on his own out in the world, he discovered an enjoyment of traveling around and helping people wherever he could.  He registered with the Huntsman’s Alliance, an organization that provides missions on a global scale as opposed to traveling to different kingdoms and checking mission boards for what was available.  After spending some time wandering around and not interacting with many of his teammates and old friends for some time, he did come across some of his old friends right before the Atlesian Revolution.

 

 

Case of Christy Curtiss

 

            Unlike her colleagues, Christy decided to remain at Beacon following her graduation.  She had taken great interest in the world of teaching and decided that she wanted to further pursue that dream.  She initially worked for Professor Oobleck as a teacher’s aide, then was given an opportunity to work as a battle and tactics advisor with promise of a potential teaching job in the future.  Over the course of a few years, she found a place working with the staff at Beacon academy.  A few years later, she was offered the job of being the professor of stealth tactics at Beacon as well as the school’s lead registered nurse due to her healing abilities.  As a result, she doubled down and studied medicine and human anatomy in the evenings while also teaching stealth tactics.  But when the Atlesian Revolution began, Professor Ozpin called upon his most trusted staff members and students to help with the growing conflict in the Kingdom of Atlas.

 

 

Case of Ty Boyer

 

            Following graduation, Ty was still dealing with the emotions that came with the loss of his father at the hands of the Order of the Four Seasons.  He dabbled with the idea of revenge and seeking out and destroying the Order, but he instead decided that he wanted to focus his efforts elsewhere.  He joined the Huntsman Alliance on his own accord, but didn’t realize Jacob had joined until years later.  When he did, he approached his friend and proposed that they team up to help people in need.  Jacob agreed, but then they were approached by one other that would change the dynamic of the team.

 

 

Case of Brooklyn McPhearson

 

            After graduation, Brooklyn was looking for answers.  Anything that could give her a clue about the tragic history of her family.  But when none appeared, she found herself stuck in a rut.  She spent a lot of time aimlessly roaming the kingdoms trying to find her purpose.  She almost joined a group of bandits she was so lost.  But fate had other plans when she walked into an outpost that was owned by the Huntsman Alliance and two of her old friends were sitting there talking.  She approached them and asked if she could join them on their journey, which of course they agreed to.  The three of them then began to work around the world of Remnant helping whoever they could up until the news of the Atlesian Revolution reached their ears.

 

 

 

Five Years after the Battle of Vytal

The Atlesian Revolution

 

 

 

            Anger had been boiling in the heart of Whitley Schnee after his father decided that the best course of action in Vacuo was to just simply give up and let the Oasis Restoration Project take place.  Whenever Whitley went to talk to his father about it, it would always go the same way.  Whitley would yell and scream at his father for being a failure and not letting the Schnee Dust Company grow beyond what it already was and that he was weak.  Jaques would always reply with the fact that if he continued to push in Vacuo, they would have lost everything and that they shouldn’t push their boundaries after everything they had done over the last few decades.  This went on for a few years, but then Whitley finally snapped one night.  No one knows for sure why he snapped the way he did, but all that people know is that Atlas became a war zone overnight.  Whitley had killed his father and hacked into the Atlesian military and had declared that he was going to take over the world. Most people thought that this would end in a day, given the fact that there were kill commands placed into the machines that Whitley was using, but somehow, the kill codes had been deleted and Whitley began devastating the capital of Atlas.  The kingdoms quickly started mobilizing their troops once Atlesian warships began leaving the boarders of Atlas with intentions of invasion.  These airships were stopped and the carnage was kept within the borders of Atlas.  The four teams that took part in the Battle of Vytal all reunited in Atlas to fight against Weiss’ now insane younger brother.  There was a scramble over who should lead the assault due to the fact that each of the generals of the Kingdoms had different strategies they thought would work, but Weiss took charge and decreed that she would face her brother and his madness.  Her friends stood behind her and the battle was joined.  

 

The entire event only lasted around a week.  The first day of initial bloodshed, another day for mobilization of troops, two days of no confrontation while strategy was formed, and then three days for the true battle of the Atlesian Revolution.  The first day of battle was a fight for control of the major buildings that surrounded the Schnee Dust Company headquarters.  First, the Academy was re-taken and those who were still trapped there were freed and flown out of the country to receive help if they needed it.  Those who could and were willing to fight stayed to help.  During the second day of battle, one of the buildings that was captured was the weapons development building.  That mission was conducted by a squad lead by Natalie alongside her old teammates from Team NEMN and a few members of Team RWBY, specifically Blake and Ruby.  During that mission, Blake received a critical wound and was almost killed, but Miles managed to save her at the last second.  Because of this, Blake was sent out on a medical airship with Miles right behind her.  Weiss pleaded with Miles to stay but he stood firm and remained by Blake’s side.  

 

The third day began and that battle was to establish control over the Schnee Dust Company headquarters, where Whitley was pulling the strings.  During that day, the team lead by Team JNPR and JCTB managed to take back the computer room that was controlling all the robotic soldiers.  Once the machines were de-activated, the final battle with Whitley was on the horizon.  Weiss lead the charge into the master study where Whitley was hiding, but when she stepped inside, Whitley activated a personal force field that kept everybody else out.  Weiss was all alone to face Whitley.  The security cameras were still on, so footage of the battle did reach the higher ups of the four Kingdoms.  Whitley used his abilities as a dust mage to try and kill his sister.  Weiss did everything in her power to try and capture her brother.  But nothing she could do could stop him.  Even when she tried freezing him in a large block of ice, he would use fire dust to free himself.  With every option exhausted, Weiss used her rush attack to lower her brother’s aura, and then run him through.  With his death, the force field deactivated, and the soldiers were able to enter and see Weiss holding her dead brother in her arms.  Many would say afterwards that this cleared the way for positive change in the Schnee Dust Company, but Weiss would tell you that she wishes for a different result every single day.

 

 

 

 

The Paths Following Revolution

The Atlesian Revolution-The Initiation of the Next Generation

 

 

 

Case of Ruby Rose

 

            Following the events of the Atlesian Revolution and seeing what had happened to Blake, Ruby decided that she wanted to take some time off from working in the field as a huntress.  She and Natalie stayed with Nathan and Yang for a short period of time while figuring things out by herself.  After a few months, she decided to pop the question to Natalie, to which she excitedly accepted.  The two of them got married and decided to have a working honeymoon.  They continued their jobs as Huntresses helping those who needed it most whenever they could.  But after some time, they both agreed they wanted to slow down and focus on raising a family.  And even after adopting a second child they hadn't initially planned on, they still found time to both be there for their children and still do their jobs as huntresses.

 

 

 

Case of Weiss Schnee

 

            Following the Atlesian Revolution, there was turmoil over who would take over the Schnee Dust Company.  Most people looked to Winter Schnee due to her being the oldest, but she had no desire to take over the company.  When this news broke, other people stepped up desiring to take over the coveted positon.  Some tried to buy the company outright from Weiss and Winter, others tried to court one of them so that they could take over the company in their stead.  One person however named Stuli Arium tried to simply take over the company with supposed claims that he was a long lost relative of the Schnee family name.  However, Weiss stepped up and declared that she would take over running the company.  Nobody really argued with this due to the fact that Weiss was indeed of the family name and heritage, and it was a far easier solution than anything else being put forward.  She ended up marrying her childhood sweetheart Neptune Vasilias and ran the company.  She did end up having two children, but it wasn’t until after Team’s BEAT and GASH were formed.

 

 

 

Case of Blake Belladonna

 

            Blake was flown back to Menagerie for recovery from her injury.  She was surprised to see Miles there beside her instead of helping with the fight back in Atlas.  She chastised him for abandoning the fight, but he argued back that he needed to be there for the ones he cared about.  Blake wanted to argue more but let it drop.  After a few days, Miles brought her to the top of the almost complete CCT tower in Menagerie.  As the sun rose, Miles proposed to Blake, citing that he didn’t want to wait any longer after the scare they had back in Atlas.  Blake happily agreed and the two got married not long after that.  Despite getting married so soon after the Atlesian Revolution, they both decided that they wanted to still help where they could before having children, but it was on their minds.  After five years, they gave birth to their first child, a girl they named Aurora.  Both Miles and Blake were still working in helping the four Kingdoms in whatever way they could, so they got an apartment in Vale to live in while visiting there, but also kept a home on Menagerie for Aurora to grow up in.  They then had a second child, a son they named Daniel after an old relative of Miles’.  Aurora grew up wishing to be a huntress while Daniel wished to be a film maker, which gave Blake many happy memories watching the two of them grow up.  And when it came time for Aurora to start school, Blake and Miles sold their apartment, wanting their daughter to be able to take care of herself without having her parents to fall back on, resulting in Miles and Blake moving back to Menagerie to stay.

 

 

Case of Yang Xiao Long

 

            After the Atlesian Revolution and witnessing what had happened between Weiss and Whitley, Yang and Nathan decided that they were going to take some time off to be there for their child.  For the next three years, the sole mission that Yang and Nathan had was raising Ember.  They enjoyed every second of it, but Yang sensed that something was off with Nathan.  He seemed out of sorts, so she looked up a therapist in Vale that Nathan could start visiting.  After a few sessions, Yang noticed an uptick in Nathan’s mental health.  He even started taking the initiative to train young Ember in forms of combat once she became of age.  However, not long before Ember graduated from Beacon Academy and their second child, Grey, was beginning his entry exams, Yang noticed something was changing within Nathan.  She didn’t know what it was, but she did everything she could to remain loving and supportive of her husband while still being there for her children.

 

 

Case of Jaune and Pyrrha

 

            Prior to the Atlesian Revolution, both Jaune and Pyrrha had gotten married and had a few kids already.  After the Atlesian Revolution though, Pyrrha was offered a job as the headmistress of Haven Academy due to her stellar record in the field.  She accepted the job and had Jaune be her assistant in running the school.  During that time, Evan Hahn approached Pyrrha and said that he was interested in stepping out of his nomadic lifestyle and entering the world of teaching.  Pyrrha agreed to let Evan get this job at Haven, but after a few years, she suggested he transfer to Beacon.  While reluctant at first, Evan agreed and accepted a full time job teaching at Beacon Academy.  Pyrrha felt that she made the right decision, despite the numerous texts from Christy saying that it probably wasn’t the best idea in the world at first.

 

 

Case of Ren and Nora

 

            After graduation, the two of them got married and returned to their home continent of Anima, and decided that they wanted to create a new village where their childhood home used to be.  Rebuilding was a challenge, but with the help of their old friends Ty, Jacob and Brooklyn, they managed to pull it off and the town of Saisei truly flourished under their guidance.

 

 

 

Time Passes and Introduces New Angles in Life.

No One Knows for Certain What the Future Holds.

But to Understand What Leads Further to the Future,

We Must Look Within the Cracks

And See Where Everything Began to Change

At a Point Where it Tips.

Author's Note

This is the beginning of a new story. I will try to get a regular schedule going for future chapters, but for now, please give honest reviews.

Reviews

[Cherrie]

You have gathered everything needed to give the reader a great story (which is the hard part). What's missing is the soul of the story (which can be time consuming to sprinkle in).
Readers want a book to take them somewhere.
The best and cheapest vacation I know is a library card and a lazy afternoon.
This reads like report that has categorized events. Add color, sound, feelings. Tell some to move it quickly, show some to let the reader come along. People want to feel when they read. It's your task to wake us up and leave us wanting for more.
Each person you tell about can focus on a different aspect of this story.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is think of the first draft as you telling the story to yourself, then dress each sitting with life. so we can see.

[Miles W.]

Thanks for the advice. I do believe future chapters do offer this. After all, this is a sequel to another book I've written, and there's a substantial time jump between that book and this book, so I did use this chapter to fill in some of the major events that happened in the world leading to this point. I do hope you give the other chapters a shot and continue to provide good feedback so I can continue to improve.

[Miles W.]

And maybe read the original book before reading this one, just to understand some plot points.

[Cherrie]

Also think visually and sprikle in bits of the background so your characters don't live in a white room.

[Cherrie]

I'll give it a look:)

[CLR9]

While due to the fact that a very large story has been written here, I cannot sufficiently exclaim the duty in which has been bestowed upon me to review it, in which is the story you have written, and that the story is in question. Let me perhaps perform an explanation of having that been said and having written this review thus far.

It sucks.

Simple English is good.

Simple writing is good.

You fucktards get it yet?

[Miles W.]

You know, I'm a bit curious. I always approach other writers who review my work with kindness and respect, but after seeing your content as well as the reviews left on it, I think I want to take a different approach. And I'm curious: first off, did you even read this? Or any of the other chapters? Or better yet, the story that preceded it? And two, such a classy level of language. Do you feel that is constructive criticism in the slightest? I've seen how you respond to some of the reviews on your own work, and you talk like you are some perfect writer. I don't destroy people and say they are *****tards, I offer my opinion and move on. And in tandem, if you don't think this style of writing is for you, that's fine. Don't insult me nor the people who enjoy this kind of work. Unlike you, I don't claim I am the greatest in the universe and the world should bow down at my feet. I create what I want to create and I move forward taking criticism and notes from my peers so that I can improve. How is any of what you said helpful to other writers?

[CLR9]

I will level with you. I used to write very serious content for this website. But my thesis still remains: most people rush to post on this website to be masturbated. I have tried to be polite before about critical responses, but they are often met with blocks. Go back and read this work. Do you think it is good?

[CLR9]

Oh, and by the way, did you want an honest review or not?

[Miles W.]

I want a review, not somebody just complaining that they apparently "had" to review it, and then just call people names. And yes, I do happen to think it's good as do several other people. Like I said, it might not be your cup of tea, and that's okay. Does it have flaws? Yes, I am not perfect, but I make attempts to improve with each piece of work that I create, and I create the stories I want to create. And for the record, I have been on this site for over six years now. I don't come on here to be jerked off and given the praises befitting that of a genius or god of writing, I come here to post my ideas and stories, share them with friends and colleagues as well as other writers, and get HELPFUL FEEDBACK so I can improve. And by the way, you claim that people shouldn't come on here tooting their own horn while you yourself responded to a review on your poetry where you said "I ******* rule, and did I mention I am a poetic genius"? Your claim that I'm out here looking for people to rain praises and make me out as a god is hypocritical.

[Shep]

I agree with spam, but I willing to read a little further and see how the story develops.

[Miles W.]

Thanks for the review! Also thanks for being willing to give this work a shot!

[Spamalot]

Well, you did ask for comment, so I put on my manuscript critique hat and looked at this as if it had been a submission.

There's a major problem holding you back, I'm afraid, one that must be addressed if you want to sell this. Basically, and I wish there was some gentler way of saying it, this is presented as a history book. The events in a novel happen as we read. They're presented in overview only in short sections, to sew two scenes together. A novel follows the real-time actions of the reader's avatar—the protagonist—in a way that gives the reader a strong emotional connection to that character. The viewpoint is never that of an external, dispassionate observer, who reports on the events in a report format: This happened...then that happened...and after that..."

The opening section has 1790 words, or about seven standard manuscript pages. The reader will spend about five minutes reading a page, so they will have been studying the history of a fictional place for more than a half hour and no actors are on stage, and not a blessed thing has happened.

Basically, you're thinking of a story as being made up of plot points and events, and writing that sequence as a report. It's how we learned to write in school. But think back. There, we wrote endless numbers of reports and essays because we were being given a set of general skills of use on the job, where nonfiction is the rule for writing...reports and essays.

So all the writing techniques we were given were fact-based and author-centric. We TELL the reader what happened, clearly and concisely. And that''s exactly the way you've written this piece.

But take yourself. If you read a horror story do you want to be informed that the protagonist feels terror? Or do you want the author to terrorize YOU, and make YOU afraid to turn the lights out?

Fictions goal isn't to inform, it's to emotionally involve the reader in the story, in real-time. You want your reader so deeply into the persona of your protagonist that if someone throws a rock at the character the reader ducks. And no way can the chronicle of events approach do that. For that you need a set of writing techniques that are emotion-based and character-centric. In other words, the professional skills of the working fiction-writer—a skill set that wasn't mentioned as existing in your schooldays.

Why? Because all professions are learned IN ADDITION to what our schooldays give us. So your teacher, who learned his/her skills in the same classroom thought the skills we're given there are all the skills there are.

In short: It's not your fault. Pretty much every hopeful writer faces the same thing, and starts out either using the schooldays skills you did or recording themselves telling the story aloud. Neither can work.

What does work, is to acquire the skills of fiction. Simple, right? Hit the library's fiction-writing section. Devour a few books, and...

If only...

Like any other profession fiction takes time, study, and thought to master. But given that it applies to everyone, it's more a rite-of-passage than a disaster. And here's some good news: If you are meant to be a writer the learning is fun. It does involve a lot of head shaking as you say, "But...but that's so simple. Why didn't I see that?"

And when you do get it under control it makes writing a LOT more fun as your protagonist becomes your writing partner.

And while I'm sure that you're about to say, "But the other chapters aren't like that," they are. Yes, you have dialog and action in them, but it's all reported by that dispassionate external observer, because you're still using those same nonfiction writing skills. They work for you because knowing the story, you "fill in the blanks" without realizing that you're doing it.

For an overview of just how different the issues we need to take into account for fiction you might want to check a few of the articles in my blog. They're aimed at the hopeful writer. And for a good first book on the nuts-and-bolts issues, you might want to look at James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing.

I know this was pretty far from what you were hoping to see. And I don't relish breaking such news. But you're working hard on this, and are handicapped by what Mark Twain was talking about when he said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

So dig in. Writing isn't a destination. It's a journey, one that lasts a lifetime. And if you write just a bit better each day, and live long enough...

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/