Traitor

This book is yet to be finished also, but I've been neglecting it. It's pretty damn good if I do say so myself. A definite tearjerker.

Dear Andrea,                                      April 12, 2018

                I hope you’re doing good, the kids too. Can’t say the same for Naomi. Ha. It’s crazy over here, already been shot at. Missed me. By like an inch. Lucky or unlucky? Your own opinion on that. No letters from any family yet. Two weeks and they don’t even miss me. Guess they’re just watching the news to see if the report my death or something. Oh well. Karen’s writing like 5 letters everyday or something. She keeps sending me these novel letters. I’m sort of hoping you’ll respond soon. Maybe you could send me a picture of you and the kids ONLY. I’d like that. To have something to keep with me at all times besides your ring. Lori and Xavier wrote to me too. He’s not such a bad guy babe-er sorry…I could scratch it out but I honestly don’t want to. Rebel with a cause.  Give the um your kids a kiss for me and a hug. Hope they’re wearing their marine shirts. Tell Naomi to f**k off if she gives you hell for them. She can take up the issue with me if she wants, I’ll show her what I learned in training about these weapons called fists. Put her in her place aka out of the picture? Ha ha. Not nice, I know sorry. I miss you Andrea. I really do.

Dana Loya

United States Marine

P.S. I love you BABE. I love you…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                It wasn’t anything like I expected, I truly didn’t prepare myself. Physically I was completely ready, but mentally? It’s impossible to prepare your mental being for something like this. Once that first bullet hits the pavement next to you, or your partner, or even your vehicle; your stature changes. You go into a new mode: survival of the fittest.  Before this I could never imagine myself shooting at anyone or watching the blood of someone else spill due to my own hands, but after that first bullet was a near miss, something clicked and I shot. I had no care anymore about the blood that would spill because of me, but I was aware only of my need to survive and make it home.

Now I sit here and ponder what drove me to choose this life, after all I could have stayed in my little town of Dales, Texas and moped in depression for the rest of my life. What drove me here?  Do I want to die that bad that I have subjected myself to a million chances at being killed? She chose what was right for herself after all. Should I not be happy for her? Should I not share in the joy of her happy life? She is my soul mate, that I do not deny but I cannot control her decisions. She will be with whoever she chooses. It did kill me to know I wasn’t her choice. She’s all I’ve ever wanted, she’s all I want. That will never change, no matter what else may happen.

I’m writing the 50^th letter this year to her. She’s never replied to any of them, but I keep writing. I doubt she even reads them at all; they probably have her on a short leash. I never will understand why she settled for what she did. She could have at least done better. Perhaps that’s my jealousy or pain speaking, but it’s true. Do I wish I could back and change what happened? Yes, but as advanced as technology is these days they have yet to create a time machine.

I begin to fold the letter to the size of the envelope when one of my fellow soldiers approaches me. There’s not much to do around here when not on duty. I won’t say it’s dull. The frontlines aren’t the only danger zone. We have to be prepared for anything at any time. Sometimes conversation is the only escape from the gun fire, and from being homesick.

“So are you ready?” Private Jamie Masden’s smiling down at me, watching my fingers carefully fold the letter with nothing but marine precision.

“For?” I keep my eyes focused on the paper as I slip it into the envelope.

“Two more weeks and we head home.” Jamie plops down on my cot next to me, attempting to lure my eyes to hers.

“Always ready for anything.” I look up at her and smile sealing the envelope tightly.

“We’re going to be out of here soon, why are you writing her another letter? She never writes back anyways. Don’t you think it’s time you give it up?” I can hear the jealousy in her voice; it’s no secret that Masden has a major crush on me.

“You never know. This might be the one she replies to.” I put the stamp on and get up to take it to our “postal office”.

“You’re crazy Loya. You’ve been after this girl for how many years? She chose someone else over you and you still wear a ring to show your devotion. Crazy.” I shrug as she rolls her eyes.

“Soul mates are soul mates. I wouldn’t change it, even if I wanted to. She’s the girl.” I drop off my letter and head outside to stretch my legs with Masden following close behind.

I’ve been in Iraq for almost two years now. I can’t say I’m particularly proud of it, but I did sign up to serve my country. I do what I’m told, it’s my duty. I’ve only been on the frontlines because I’m a nurse and wherever an injured soldier is I’ll be there. I’ve only fired a gun to save my life from those we call enemies. Some days I hope that someone will just shoot me and all my pain and misery will be over, but others I’m prepared to do what it takes to save myself and get home. I suppose I have a small ounce of hope left that Andrea will suddenly come back to me. I truly doubt that she’s read my letters; wouldn’t she at least have written back once?

We had such an amazing love; I just refuse to believe that she forgot it all so easily. We dated throughout my senior year of high school. She was a freshman. Near graduation I went on this ego trip and ended our relationship. I always loved her. More than I ever believed possible. Since the day we first met at her first high school football game, I knew. We’re meant to be, made for each other. We always knew we were soul mates. I don’t know why I did what I did. It was a stupid mistake; a mistake that has now cost me dearly, a mistake that has landed me here, in another country, alone and scared. 

The marines were my escape. It seemed at the time my only escape from the insanity that was sure to engulf me. Friends and family watched me fall apart at the seams, and yet did not argue when I announced my enlistment into the United States Marine Corps. My parents would do anything to get me out of the house I guess. My room became my cave, my sanctuary. I stopped enjoying going to work. Life was more of a routine than an adventure. When you lose your purpose in life there’s really no meaning to a thing you do. I lost mine six years ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Years Earlier

                I knew that leaving Andrea was the wrong choice, but could I suddenly turn around and tell her I changed my mind? I didn’t think so. I stayed with Haylee for almost a month, unhappily. I forced myself more after Andrea began dating my best friend Naomi. That was the most painful hit in the world. I hoped she’d see past my lies and stupidity and realize that I needed her and love her so much. She didn’t, as hard as I tried. So I kept on my stupidity until I finally decided it was time to fight for my girl. I knew it was the only way, so I put down the drugs, the drinking, and the girls and made the most important decision of my life; I decided that it was time to devote myself entirely to Andrea. It was the only way.

                Your soul mate isn’t just another person in your life. They have this hold on you, it’s absolutely amazing. I thought I could deny it. I could hear all my friends telling me that I should be with someone else and I let them lead me astray. I met Haylee in my English class. For almost the whole year she never even paid mind to me and then in a day there she was sitting in front of me, talking to me. I was not the least bit interested in her at first, Andrea always brought up in our conversations, but constant pressuring from David soon led me to think that I was wrong about Andrea. My heart knew I wasn’t but I stopped listening to it. I made the stupidest decision of my life.

                Andrea isn’t perfect but she’s perfect for me. She’s absolutely beautiful, caring, kind, fun, and intelligent. She’s all that I have ever wanted. Since the day we met she sparked a fire inside of me that simply cannot be put out. We formed an odd friendship since the day we met, slowly but surely I found myself falling in love with her. The fact that she was already in a relationship did not turn me away. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just forget her and move on to the next girl, but there I stayed, waiting patiently for my time. I always wanted to be everything to her. I wanted to be the reason she lived, the only one she wanted. I considered myself selfish for a time, not truly knowing what my heart was telling me. She kept me at bay and yet pulled me in.

                I had always been known as a player and a flirt. She knew that and yet she somehow looked past it and saw the real me. She slowly coaxed me out. I had hidden behind a fake persona for so long I was surprised that she had been able to see that I wasn’t truly being myself. She saw through my ego and saw a person that she could connect with. On the outside we look like two completely different people but on a deeper sense we’re almost identical. We connect in a way that many people long for. I wouldn’t say we were perfect people but we were perfect for each other.

                “I don’t really know how to say this, or if it’s correct but I feel as if we’re…” I hesitate not knowing what the word I want to say will do to our current relationship with each other.

                “Soul mates…” I gasp as the word escape her lips on the other side of the phone. I am dumbfounded at the fact that she feels the same as I do. Could this be real?

                “Yes…soul mates.”

                From that day forth our realization allowed our love to grow stronger. Our connection flourished and in due time she ended the relationship she was in. On January 31, 2009 she became mine. We were as happy as could be. Completely in love and sharing in each other’s joy. I had never known anything like I had with her. It was absolutely beautiful, so new and inviting. It was all that it was made out to be by movies and books, but our love story is no fairy tale mind you. It’s our own story. A story of love, pain, and tears. A story that went wrong somehow somewhere, all because I let others convince me I was wrong about the only girl that has ever given me any good. I let others tell me that my age restricted my ability to truly be in love and find my soul mate. I should have known they were so wrong.

                We spoke of marriage and children and I never ran in fear. We’d live in our dream home someday and have our two babies; Anthony and Raylee. I could never picture my life with anyone but her. Even when we fought I could not think of being with anyone but her for the rest of my life. Soul mates are like miracles. We pray for them and pray for them until we turn blue in the face, but God only sends them to us when we are ready, when the time is right for our souls to unite. To run from your soul mate will only lead you to a life of sadness; although you could convince yourself you’re happy without them you will always feel a sense of incompleteness. You will never truly be whole unless they are a part of your life. They do not always come to us in the form of lovers, but sometimes in the form of friends and family. Whichever it may be, the bond between two souls is one of absolute beauty. It is truly an amazing experience.

                That’s what I found with Andrea. It truly took me by surprise. To be young and find your soul mate is so rare and so quickly denounced by your peers.  All young people care about is having fun and enjoying life. Love is always put on the back burner. Andrea and I were always different than others, and I was strong in my feelings about our love. Things changed when David began breaking into my head, attempting to change my mind. I chose a backstabbing friend over my soul mate. I began to act more rudely towards Andrea and one day she broke. She revealed to her mom about us, and as I had expected her mom got angry. Religion has always been the downfall of true love. Love has no gender; yet we use it as a reason to discriminate against those who love differently than the “norm”.

                Andrea became distant from me. I think it was the fear of her mother that made her put me at arm’s length. I don’t know. David filled my head with stupid ideas of leaving Andrea and getting with Haylee. Haylee encouraged it. Soon I caved in. I ended my relationship with Andrea; my heart screaming at the top of its lungs. I wanted to die so badly. The second I did it, I realized my stupidity. I should have turned around, told her I was stupid and didn’t mean it, but I didn’t. I still don’t understand why I didn’t. Perhaps I longed for David’s approval too much. It was odd how I settled for whoever he chose but he never settled for any of mine except Haylee; the one who was all wrong for me.

                I cried every night for Andrea. I remember the nights I wasn’t in a flurry of drugs with David, I would walk to Andrea’s home and sit outside her house and just wonder if she could feel me still. She never once came outside, but I just sat there and cried my eyes out. My heart was screaming at me the whole time, begging for hers back. I won’t deny that once or twice I began contemplating suicide. Haylee was difficult. Thankfully she never asked for much attention from me, so I could sulk secretly in my mind and pray Andrea could somehow hear me. She had complete control of me. I wanted her back badly, but how would I accomplish that?

                After avoiding Andrea for about 2 weeks, I gathered my pride and answered her text message. I told her how much I missed her and needed her. In my mind I procreated this idea that as soon as she read the text she’d run back into my arms and we’d be happy forever at last. It certainly did not happen that way. She admitted she missed me also and my heart leaped with joy but there was still one problem left; Naomi. I suggested a break up and that Andrea simply returns to me, she didn’t believe that was such a good idea. I was dumbstruck. How could she not run back into my arms, we’re soul mates after all?

                She always made the excuse that it wasn’t fair for her to just up and leave Naomi; I personally could care less about the emotional pain it would cause her. It would be far better than the physical pain I threatened to inflict upon her. It became a game. Andrea would tell me she wanted a future with me but she just wouldn’t end the pointless relationship. Some nights she’d cry to me and I’d lay there obediently soothing her as she cried about something Naomi did or said. The pain I endured listening to my soul mate cry because of someone else was unbearable. I wanted to kill Naomi.

                I began attending all the football games and competitions as I had promised Andrea I would. I sat there as I had sworn, quietly dying inside. I just couldn’t understand why Andrea would not come back to me. I asked many times but she never told me the truth at least that’s what I felt. I found myself basking in the presence of God once again, praying that Andrea would open her eyes. I prayed at least twice a day. No less. I had to watch Naomi and Andrea interact a couple of times at games. I wanted to rip my heart out, to gauge my eyes out, I wanted to die. I knew that Andrea wanted to be with me. I knew that she knew where she belonged. She was blinded. That was her excuse.

                People will say I was just protecting her but I knew it to be true. I felt her all the time. I feel her now. I always will. I continued my devotion, occasionally breaking down on her. I’d beg her to come back to me and she still wouldn’t. I never considered giving up on her as an option. I would either spend my life with her, or spend my life with no one. It was Andrea or bust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                I’m falling into a pit, waiting on hell to consume me. The burning flames would not be the worst pain I have ever felt. No, there is a pain that is more unmerciful than anyone can imagine. Heart break. I mean real heart break. Heart break as in your soul mate just completely walked out of your life and chose to be with someone else. What is the reason to live when your purpose is gone?

. . . . .

                “Dana, look you know I love you and I always will, but you know I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.” I’m not sure if I’m breathing.

                “Andrea don’t say that I know you are. We’re soul mates.” This just cannot be happening.

                “Dana look you will be happy. I understand. Please just let me go.”

                “Andrea…I don’t understand.” She must be playing some type of joke on me.

                “I want to be with Naomi. I’m in love with her not you. I think it best if we don’t speak anymore. Thank you for everything Dana, you were amazing. I will never forget you. Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best in life.”

                “Andrea…I love you…please…”The click rings in my ears. “Don’t…”

                The phone hits the floor and a second later so do my knees. I’m screaming her name, screaming it louder than I could ever imagine. This pain is unbelievable. It’s surging throughout my veins, through every damn inch of me. And then the tears come. I’m still screaming as the tears fall. I’m screaming loud enough for her to hear me, crying enough for her to feel me. I can’t find the strength to pick up the phone and call her, but I want to.

                I curl up into a little ball on the floor and carefully pick up my phone. I dial the oh so familiar number and press the green button. One, two, three rings….and voicemail. Redial. One ring…voicemail. Redial. Voicemail. Redial. Voicemail. Redial. Voicemail.

Text message. 30 minutes…no reply. 1 hour…no reply. Morning…no reply. Afternoon…no reply. 24 hours…no reply. Dial. One ring…two….three….voicemail.

                Voice message: Andrea please call me, text me. Something. Anything. Don’t do this. I’m sorry for everything. I love you Andrea so much. Please.

 

 

 

 

 

One month later.

                “So what’s your plan now? Are you just going to lie here all day and night and cry?” Karen’s kneeling next to my bed trying to make my eyes meet hers. I shrug and roll over. “No Dana. It’s been a month no reply, nothing. It’s over baby doll. You gotta get up and move on with your life.”

                “She is my life Karen. You know that already.” I feel her plop down next to me, sighing loudly.  

                “She chose Naomi babes. I know it hurts but what can you do? She doesn’t want to be with you and you can’t force her to. Move on Dana.” I feel her hand on my shoulder and I can feel tears stinging my eyes yet again.

                “Never. It’s Andrea or no one. I told you that already. Nothing’s changing my word to her. I swore to her I would never be with anyone if it wasn’t her.” I let the tears start sliding down. I’ve cried everyday this month, at least three times a day.  At night is the big breakdown, I cry and scream at the top of my lungs all while clutching onto the panda bear she gave me for graduation. Karen lies by my side, listening.

                “Dana what are you going to do with your life now?” She’s sitting back, arms behind her head staring at my ceiling.

                “I don’t know…” I push my face into the pillow and let the tears become more violent as Karen begins her usual soothing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Years Later (Give or take a few months)

                “You did what?!” Karen’s eyes are wide open in disbelief; I’ve got something that looks like a smile on my face.

                “I’m a future marine.” I hope she doesn’t make a big deal.

                “You really enlisted?”

                “Yes. I leave in a couple of months.” I take the seat across from Karen. Her kitchen has become all too familiar. It’s not much; a plain white, all wood cupboards, an old rusty stove, and a plain fridge. The table for four has been my place to study, cry and eat.

                I can’t bear to stay home, there are so many memories of Andrea and me; so Karen’s parents allow me to be here as much as I like. I usually end up spending the night. Karen and her soon to be wife, Leila, have watched me move about in pain every single second of the day. They know that I am not better and that I never will be. I don’t like to cut into their time too much but they always tell me they don’t mind. I know Karen does. At least sometimes it bothers her.

                “I can’t believe you’re doing this Dana! You have a great job at the hospital!” Karen’s nodding in agreement with Leila, of course.

                “Now I’ll have a great job in the marines.” I have no idea how I still manage to keep my composure. Every night I still breakdown, I’m the biggest mess anyone has ever seen.

                “If you say so Dana.” Leila shrugs and continues to play with Karen’s sweatshirt.

                I take a look around and head to the restroom. I quietly close the door behind me and lock it. I sigh and take a look in the mirror. I’m lean now, somewhat muscular. My face shows it too. I always look too serious now. I don’t have much reason to smile. My hair’s black short and spiky, just the way I like it. I dress to impress, but I don’t allow anyone to approach me. Girls try but I’m quick to turn them away. I eat, sleep, go to work and workout. I go out with friends once in a while but it’s nothing too grand. Everyone has someone. I’m always the extra wheel.

                I stare at myself and I can’t help but notice the sadness in my eyes. I wonder if that will ever change again. I find myself praying that Andrea will come back to me, but we haven’t spoken since that night. I saw her a couple of times but she completely avoided me. I don’t know why she didn’t choose me. All the signs pointed toward our future together, and now I’m just a 21 year old RN, soon to be marine, with nothing to live for. This new state of mind has me under the constant surveillance of Karen and Leila. After three failed suicide attempts, I’ve just about given up on taking my own life.

                I can hear them giggling outside, probably unaware that I’m still here. I wash my hands quickly and step outside. Karen and Leila are lying on the couch watching some comedy special. They smile at me and quickly redirect their attention to the t.v. I sit on the chair opposite them and study their features. Karen’s shorter than me, long brown hair, semi lean, and always with a goofy smile on her face. Leila is super thin, with flowing black hair, and the highest pitched voice I have ever heard. I must admit I envy them. They stayed together and here I am alone. The love of my life is who knows where, doing who knows what. I should be with her, in Lubbock or Austin. Lori, Andrea and me living together; that was the plan.

                I guess that sometimes you have to wait a little longer to have things as you would like. Maybe God is just testing my love for her. Maybe things will be as they should be soon enough. She might hear about me going to the marines and realize she needs to stop me and we’ll confess our love yet again. We will get back together, marry and buy our dream home, and in a couple of years talk about having our kids. If only I could be sure of this. All I can do now is hope.

                I’m trying to pay attention to the comedy special but I’m well aware that it won’t capture my attention. Nothing really seems to capture my attention anymore. Every day it’s like I’m just going through the motion; living because I have small hope that Andrea will return and because every suicide attempt has been an utter failure. I’m trying to focus on the t.v. when Karen and Leila start kissing, but it’s not happening. I miss Andrea. I miss the way she kisses and holds me. The way she was never afraid to throw things in my face. I miss the security. I miss the happiness. But most of all I miss the future that should have been ours.

                The affection in the room is too much for me, it always is. I decide I need to get lost for a couple of hours and head out the door without saying a word. I usually just take off for a drive or a walk, whatever I feel like. Today a drive seems very attractive. I climb in my car and put in a copy of a cd I had made for Andrea. I always end up crying, but I can’t listen to anything else. I have these weird ideas in my mind that I if I play all our songs she’ll feel me. The connection between us will never die; at least I hope it won’t. I start driving, not really knowing where I’m heading.

                For other people every day is like a new adventure, for me it’s become a routine. I’ve yet to tire of it. Life’s a cruel punishment now. It’s not easy to live without my only one but it’s all I can do. I’d try to find her but what good would it do? If I found her what words would I need in order to have her return to me? What if after all this time she’s not prepared to see me? What if she’s happily with someone? Would I dare to disturb her life for my sake?

                I’m unaware of where I’m going, as if I am possessed. Before I realize it, I’m parked outside of her childhood home, parked in the exact same spot as always. I can’t help but to stare at the door and picture her coming out to see me. I can see her yelling back at her mom and brother that she won’t leave anywhere with me. Her mom would surely check outside on occasion to see if anything was going on. She wanted me out of Andrea’s life so badly; I suppose she must be extremely joyful now.

                The tears are running down my cheek but I am oblivious to them. The only thing I can feel now is pain; the most unbearable pain in the world. Her name fills and spills throughout every inch of me, it burns a hole through my heart, it drives me mad; yet it is the only name that has meaning to me. I’d give all that I have left, every ounce of breath left in me, every last beat of this lonely heart just to see her once more. It’s all I wish for every night while I cry calling out for my angel.

                I’m so wrapped up in my self pity that I don’t hear the knocking on my window. I snap out of it and turn to see her mom standing there knocking. I sigh and roll the window down. This can’t be good.

                “You are aware that she doesn’t live here anymore, right?” She’s trying to be polite and rude at the same time.

                “I suppose I was just hoping she did. Do you happen to know any way that I can get a hold of her?” What am I saying? Am I seriously going to just call her up and be like “oh hey Andrea I miss you so much and I still haven’t gotten over you”?

                “I don’t usually speak to her since she went off and married that girl; most annoying person in the world.” She rolls her eyes.

                “She got married…?” Should I have expected her to be sitting here patiently waiting for me to grow some balls and come beg her back?

                “Yes. It’s going to be a year I believe. Look I know we had our differences a couple years back, but it’s not exactly comfortable for me to be peering in your window talking to you. Get off the car and come inside, I’ll tell you all you want to know.” She heads towards the house as I roll up the window and clamber out of my car.

                I sit at the familiar kitchen table as she gets me a bottled water. She sets herself down in front of me as I take a drink. Her eyes are studying me, the same as they always have.

                “You look very sick. You’ve lost a lot of weight.” I look down and try to gather my thoughts.

                “I’ve been working out a lot since…well…”

                “I know what happened between you two.”She sounds joyful yet saddened. Odd.

                “Oh. I thought perhaps she wouldn’t have said anything to you.”

                “She didn’t. I listened to her cry for so many nights, and I could only guess what had happened when that other girl started coming around very often.”

                “Naomi…?” I want to die right now, if she says yes.

                “Yes, her. I never liked her, to be honest, and I can’t believe I’m saying this Dana, but I’d prefer now that Andrea would have ended up with you. I at least could have a little bit of respect for you.” I don’t know whether to be flattered or disgusted.

                “They married?” My mouths feeling unbelievably dry.

                “Sadly.”

                “Wow.” I drop my head and can’t decide whether or not to leave.

                “If you want to cry, I understand. You shouldn’t have left Dana, I might just have gotten used to you. I may have liked you eventually.”

                “I don’t know what to say…”

                “Do you want me to give you her number?”

                “No…No…I’m leaving to the marines in a couple of months. Could you simply pass on a message to her? Preferably not in the presence of Naomi.” I’m trying to read her face, she’s actually being sincere with me right now.

                “Don’t worry. I refuse to be near that girl if I ever do see Andrea.”

                “Tell Andrea that I am still in love with her, and that I always will be. Tell her that I am glad her life is going great and that I wish her all the best always. Tell her that I will never forget her.” The tears start.

                “Oh honey I will.” She’s beside me, wrapping her arms around. She’s soothing me. Who would ever have imagined this?

                “Thank you.” I don’t know how, but I manage to blurt it out.

                “I do wish she was with you instead Dana, I mean it.”  I nod as she moves away.

                “I’m sorry for my emotional breakdown.” I take a tissue from her and wipe my tears.

                “It’s understandable. You would have taken very good care of my little girl.”

                “I’d like to think I still have a chance to…”

                “If you can open her eyes and get her to leave that girl, I will give you my blessing.” She offers me another tissue but I respectfully deny it.

                “I don’t think I have it in me to say something to her.”

                “Dana it’s not up for discussion. Tomorrow I am going to invite her over for lunch, just her and I want you present.” She smiles encouragingly.

                “I can’t….she’ll be upset…”

                “Be here by 12:30.” I want to say no but I can tell she’s not going to let me win so I nod.

                We talk for a while more about work and I listen to her tell me about everything that has happened since Andrea walked out of my life. I cry some more and her mom comforts me. I’m nervous about the lunch plans, very nervous. This may be my only chance to get Andrea back, and to get a second chance at our future. I can only pray that things will finally be right.

 

                I’m nervous, but I dressed my best. I smooth out my shirt and take one last look in the mirror. I walk back to the kitchen and take my usual seat. Andrea’s mom is making a salad, quietly humming to herself. I tap my fingers on the table impatiently and try not to have a major freak out. Her mom smiles at me as she sets the salad down along with some plates. I rush up to help her as the doorbell rings. I’m frozen. I can’t believe this is really going to happen.

                “Relax Dana. Just take deep breaths. Finish setting down the plates please.” She squeezes my shoulder and heads to the door.

                I set the table and prepare for Andrea. I miss her so much. I don’t know whether to shake her hand or pull her into my arms. Will she slap me or be happy to see me? I can feel myself ready to pass out.

                “Mom I don’t understand why you have to be so rude to Naomi. She’s my wife, she should be able to come and join us.” The sound of her beautiful voice quickly arouses my heart.

                “I don’t like her Andrea, you know that. Besides I want to speak to you in private, not with her hanging all over you. I rarely get to see you anymore since you married that girl.”

                “Her names Naomi mom, so call her that please? You know you’re welcome at the house any time, you make such a big deal about her…I wish…” Andrea’s eyes fall on me, her mom’s smiling.

                “Hi….” I barely get it out without fainting.

                “Dana…” She takes a step towards me, confused.

                “You look amazing…” My eyes study her familiar face, those beautiful brown eyes, and those soft plump lips. Her semi long brown hair is just as beautiful as I can recall. She’s leaner, her curves just as I remember. Everything exactly as I remember.

                “You do too...what…what are you doing here?”

                “I…your mom…I love you.”I take a step towards her.

                “Dana…look…I think…I’m married…I…” She moves closer to me and I do the same.

                “You’re mine Andrea…I’m yours…” I place my hand over her heart.

                “Dana I’m married now…I can’t do this…” She pushes me away.

                “Andrea I need you. I haven’t been with anyone else. No one but you I swore that to you honey. Please come back to me.”

                “Dana you shouldn’t have come here. It’s been like three years, I was doing better. Just go, please. If you love me, do that for me.” I feel the tears coming as I pick up my jacket.

                “I’m leaving for the marines in two months. I’m so in love with you Andrea, I always will be. I wish you the best then.”

                “Dana…” I silence her and make my way to the door, hugging her mom as I leave. I don’t turn back.

                As soon as I’m in the car the tears begin. I can’t believe that I did that. I should have known it was stupid to think that she’d run back into my arms. I am definitely sure about my future with the marines. I don’t intend on coming back, ever. The pains surging through me again, just like the day she left if not more intense. I need her now more than ever and it looks like I am going to spend my life alone after all.

                I drive to a park and think about all of our memories. I should be married to her, and I should be buying her our dream home. I should be the only one in her life and I can’t believe things are turning out like this. I wish there was some sort of time machine so that I could fix things. I can’t really believe that she doesn’t love me anymore. I still feel her just as strong as ever.

                 I pull up to the park and find a parking space. I sit there for a while and pull off my button up. Some girls pass by and wink at me as I sit there in my jeans and muscle shirt. I sigh and wipe my tears away. I hate attention. I don’t like any girl’s attempts to get mine or give it. I have no desire for anyone, but Andrea. I know now that the Marines is the only choice left. I’m set on my plan.

                I get out of my car and pop open my trunk. I pull out a pair of shorts and my running shoes. A workout is the only thing that just might help right now.  I lock my car up and head over to a Port-A-Potty. As expected the inside is repulsive but I suck it up and quickly change into my workout clothes. I walk out and a group of three girls are standing there staring at me, eyeing me like I’m food. I roll my eyes and take my clothes to my car, grabbing my ipod. It must seem odd to those who see me being annoyed by all these girls. They practically through themselves at me and I could care less.

                I switch on my ipod and begin to stretch out. I want to just have a complete breakdown right now, but I know I can’t go home. Even though I’m grown by now they still do not understand the concept of privacy. I was thinking about getting an apartment, but I’d rather not stay in the place that reminds me of the one I love. Nothing will get any easier by staying here.

                I start jogging, keeping a steady pace. I can feel eyes on me but as always I pay no mind. The music seems to be playing in the distance, as the thoughts in my head play out like some movie on the big screen. Everyone has watched me fall apart, they’ve seen me become nothing. How could Andrea not have looked into my eyes and seen that I was dying, that I needed her so badly? I see her eyes, those beautiful eyes that pierce my heart, those eyes that drive me crazy with just one look. They pollute my every thought.

                I can feel the burn in my legs, but I’m definitely not ready to stop yet. I can go about eight miles before I’m ready to just collapse; all the while Andrea is on my mind. I know I’m physically ready for the marines, but mentally I’m not ready for anything. I can’t help but wish that God would do me a favor and take my life now, just to spare me from all this misery. I don’t know how much longer my family and friends can continue to see me like this, but perhaps when I leave in two months they’ll be free of the burden called Dana and be glad that I am no longer around to depress them.

                I continue to jog through the rest of the afternoon. I end up running twelve miles. I walk back to my car, ready to pass out. I haven’t eaten all day and I’m completely drained, both emotionally and physically. I lean against my car and drink some water, the sweats dripping down to my neck, aggravating me. I grab a towel from the trunk and wipe the sweat from my face. I drop the towel back in the trunk and turn to come face to face with Andrea.

                “Whoa…hey?” I nearly drop my water.

                “Why...why did you show up there?” She looks on the verge of tears.

                “I…I…had to see you…”

                “Dana…you…I finally got over the pain…and you just show up like nothing and tell me you still love me and stuff and I just don’t…I can’t just drop Naomi and my life and run back to you.” Her words are ripping my heart all over again.

                “It was stupid of me to think you’d still love me…I’m sorry…in two months I’ll be very far away…maybe you’ll never have to see me again…”

                “Dana…I…I really love Naomi and she’s my wife…we had a good run, it was great while it lasted but now I have the one I need forever…” I want to cry but I suck it up.

                “You don’t owe me any explanation Andrea…you will always have all of me and you will always be my everything…”

                “Don’t… I don’t need a guilt trip Dana…it was all just a high school crush, we’re grown now…just move on…” I look at her, searching her eyes for the hint of love I once knew.

                “Soul mates Andrea…” I kiss her hand, close my trunk and get into my car.

                She stands there for a bit just staring at the floor then walks away. I drive off and let the tears fall. She has to be lying to me. She must still love me. If she didn’t, why would she have come to find me? The love for me is still in there, I know it is. I only wish I knew the right words to say to fix all that has become.

 

 

 

 

                “Promise me you’ll write as soon as you can.” Karen’s hugging me tight and I’m not returning the gesture.

                “I will dude. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” I gently push her away and Leila returns to her side.

                “I won’t. I can’t. I’m getting married, gonna be tied down forever.” She rolls her eyes and Leila punches her playfully.

                “I love you two.” They smile and say it back.

                I sigh and look around the airport, there are other future marines getting ready to get on the plane. I don’t know why I keep expecting to see Andrea running up to me, screaming at me not to leave. There’s no way that will happen. I visited her mom last night to say goodbye, she wished me the best and said a prayer for me. I asked her to tell Andrea that I said forever and I meant it. I don’t know if she relayed the message by now, but I don’t believe it would change anything.

                I can see someone running in the distance but I highly doubt it’s Andrea; although my heart is hopeful. I squint my eyes and try to make out the face of the girl running, it’s Lori. I can’t believe it. I drop my bags and start running towards her, arms outstretched. She jumps into my arms and clings onto me, while I squeeze her tight.

                “Dana!” I’m smiling. It’s almost not completely fake.

                “Lori.” I set her down and she smiles at me.

                “You can’t leave! You still have a chance! Go fight for her, get her back and we’ll go to Austin!” I smile and shake my head.

                “She’s married to Naomi now. Those dreams are no longer possible Lori. She’s moved on and chosen a different path and now I must find something to do with my life.” I sigh and run a hand through my hair.

                “I really wanted us to be a little family…you guys were suppose to be together forever…you guys were the only reason I believed in love…now what?” She starts crying and I pull her into my arms.

                “I’m sorry Lori, this is all my fault. I can’t fix it but I wish I could. Promise me you will do your best in school and make me proud.” She looks up at me still crying.

                “I promise Dana.”  I smile and kiss her forehead, squeezing her tightly one last time.

                “I love you punk.”

                “I love you too.” I let her go slowly and wave as I head into the plane.

                I’m leaving everything behind. I’m walking away because I don’t know what else to do. I wish I could somehow give Andrea the world, give her everything that it would take to have her back in my arms. I’d do anything, and I am completely sincere when I say that. Andrea is my life, she always has been.

                I find my seat and prepare for the flight, I’m not a huge fan of heights. I pull out my iPod and start to think about Andrea. Some things will just never change, that girl is always on my mind. A short, brown eyed girl sits next to me and smiles. I smile back nicely and pull out one of my earphones. She settles herself in and offers me her hand. I shake it and push Andrea out of my mind for a while.

                “Jamie Masden. Future marine.” She has a huge smile on her face, and I have to admit she’s pretty cute, with her brown hair in a pony tail, a little buff looking.

                “Dana Loya, also a future marine.” I return the smile, mine’s fake though.

                “Awesome! I was hoping to have a buddy!”

                “Well consider us buddies then.”

                “Great. So I’m gonna guess that you’re a dyke. A damn cute one.” I don’t know whether to blush or turn away from her.

                “You’re right about the dyke part, don’t think so about the cute part.”

                “I just got out of a pointless relationship. I could use a big sexy dyke.” She winks at me and worry sets in.

                “I’m sort of taken.” I show her my ring.

                “You’re married?” She makes a sad face at me.

                “In my heart, yes.”

                “Wait. What do you mean?” I sigh.

                “I mean she’s married to someone else, but I vowed never to love anyone but her.”

                “Damn, are you crazy? You’re free! Have fun.”

                “She’s my soul mate.” I can feel the tears coming now.

                “But she’s married to someone else?” I nod and look forward. “So you’re gonna be a challenge, huh? Well, Loya I love a challenge and I’m gonna do whatever I can to get with you.” She kisses my cheek and pulls out a book.

                I turn up my iPod and get lost in my music. This girl is going to be a problem for me, a big problem. I’m more than certain she’s serious about stopping at nothing and I have no idea what to do. I’m not attracted to her in the least bit and I am completely in love with Andrea, but this seems to be one persistent girl. I think she’s going to be more to handle than the actual training.

                Training really is a b***h. They work us like dogs. I’ve lost even more weight and thankfully gained some good muscle. I’m getting even more cut now. I’m sort of liking it, and so is Jamie. She’s always after me. She eats with me and sometimes sleeps with me, at least when she can get away with it. She’s tried to have sex with me, but I do all in my power to keep it from happening. This girl is driving me crazy. I wrote a letter to Andrea, but as I expected there was no response. I’ve written to her mom a couple of times and she’s replied to each letter. Apparently Andrea’s pregnant. I’ve cried many nights here. I don’t want to go back home.

                “Loya baby.” Jamie’s smiling at me as she sits next to me on my cot.

                “Yeah?” I’m reading Andrea’s mom’s letter again, telling me Andrea is with child.

                “I missed you. It’s a free day. So everyone left and I just discovered that we’re here alone.” Her hand makes it’s way to my thigh.

                “Jamie…” She ignores me and starts kissing my neck.

                “Just relax Loya.” She pushes me down and takes the letter from my hands. I sigh and do my best to let her know I’m not having it.

                “Jamie, seriously just stop.” Her hands are groping me everywhere.

                “Shh…”I start to push her off and she pulls out some handcuffs quickly disabling my hands.

                “Damn it Masden, you’re too much.” I try to get her off of me somehow, but the girls pretty strong.

                Before I know it she’s undoing my pants and her hands going in my boxers. I want her off of me so bad. Andrea’s face is flashing before my eyes, I can’t let this happen. I manage to get her off of me by turning to my side. She looks at me angrily and climbs back on to me.

                “Loya come on, be a good dyke and f**k me.” She starts undressing and I look away.

                “Masden seriously.”

                She’s topless and her n*****s are hard. I shutter as the image of Andrea comes to mind. The first time we made love. I can picture her so perfectly, the beauty of her body, the look on her face, the desire in her eyes, and my name on the tip of her tongue. I can remember so vividly the taste of her skin, and her kisses. She never ceased to satisfy me, or leave me wanting more. I was her first but the way she worked me you wouldn’t think so. She took control of me and kept at it until I couldn’t anymore.

                I worshipped her, handled her gently. I took my time with her body, caressing every inch of her, and taking her in. I didn’t stop. I made love to her until she was gasping for air. I’d watch her sleep in my arms and follow her to sleep. I could hear our hearts beating as one as we unified and dreamed together.  I miss her so much, she will never leave me be. She has every single inch of me.

                Jamie finally gives up and slips off of me as I begin to cry. I let Andrea take over me. I close my eyes as the tears fall and Jamie curls up next to me. I can’t live without Andrea any longer; I’m not strong enough to be without her. I think about her every second of the day, she consumes me. I only wish she could see it, and I wish she could feel it. I wish she would come back to me.

                I can feel Jamie breathing next to me. The more we talk I know the more she falls for me. It’s a problem for the both of us. I have nothing to give and she wants to give all of herself to me. I can’t even find it in myself to even attempt to have something for her. I have no feeling for her whatsoever and I know I can’t force any. I’m not willing to fake it. I don’t want to hurt her. She deserves better.

                I open my eyes and look at Jamie. She’s fast asleep, breathing slowly. As always I picture Andrea. I sigh and pull a blanket over Jamie. This girl is falling for someone who could never have anything to give her. I wish I could make her forget about me. She shouldn’t have to wait for me. I’m waiting for someone else.

                I get up slowly so not to wake her and decide to go for a workout. I change into my workout clothes and pull on my running shoes. I’m in the mood to do at least ten miles right now. I plug in my iPod and start my run. Everything takes over me, my emotions want to tear me down but I don’t let them. I love Andrea, I really do, but sometimes I wish I could be free of her just like she’s free of me. Why is it that only I feel the pain? Why is it so easy for her?

                I run past the pain, even when I’m ready to collapse I just keep on running. I run back to the barracks and stop to catch my breath and slow my heart rate down. Ashlee Reins is standing before me with a weird smile. She’s a short girl, black hair always in a ponytail, green eyes, and very thin.

                “Loya you keep working out and you just might get sexier.” She winks at me and steps closer.

                “Had to get my mind off things.”  I grab the towel in her hand and wipe my sweat. “Thanks.”

                “No problem…so I heard you’re on the market and I thought I should put my name on the list.”

                “If Masden said that it’s completely untrue…I’m marr…well it’s just complicated but I’m not on the market.”

                “I heard about your complicated situation. Masden’s obsessed with you, you know that right? She talks about you all the time, hell the girl would probably marry you if you asked her too. But here’s my thing, I want you. I don’t want a relationship or anything. I want you to f**k me. I want you to take me and have your way with me. I want you bad Loya and you should know that I always get what I want.” She’s in front of me, running her finger along my shirt.

                “I’m really not interested in anyone, especially not just a f**k. I don’t hop into bed just like that. I’m entirely promised to one girl. Sorry but this time you won’t be getting what you want.” I walk past her and head to the showers.

                “Damn it Loya, that b***h don’t deserve s**t from you!” I stop dead in my tracks and feel the anger coming.

                “You don’t know s**t about her, you don’t know s**t about me. That “b***h” is my soul mate, that “b***h” is my everything. I don’t want you, tough s**t.” I relax and continue on my way.

                I shower as fast as I can and get dressed. It’s a free day, I might as well take advantage of whatever’s left of it.  I grab my wallet and head out to the town. I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m going to do. I’m actually thinking about buying something to send to Andrea. I doubt she will keep it but perhaps if I send it to her mom she’ll make sure Andrea at least takes a look at it.

                 I walk around going into different stores, trying to find something that will show Andrea I need her. I see a couple of bears but I gave her enough of those. She loves giraffes though. I find a beautiful necklace with a giraffe on it and a matching bracelet. I ask to have it engraved with the date we met and go have a look around while it’s ready. I don’t think she’ll wear it, I’m pretty sure she won’t. I’m honestly not even sure if she’ll even keep it. I can only hope that she will.

                I decide to grab myself a bite to eat since I have time to kill. I find a little Mexican restaurant and wait to be seated. If only Andrea could just tell me if she really means it when she says she doesn’t love me. I refuse to believe that I’m really nothing to her. After everything it’s just not possible. She must need me, she must want me.

                “Dana!” I hear the all too familiar voice of Lori.

                “Lori?” I turn around to find myself face to face with Lori. She runs over to me and I pull her into my arms.

                “I’ve missed you!”

                “I’ve missed you too. What are you doing here?” I let her go.

                “I’ve been looking for you! Andrea’s pregnant and she doesn’t talk to me anymore. Naomi’s a b***h. Things are just all wrong Dana.” She makes a sad face and I can’t help but sigh.

                “I know Lori, but what can I do?”

                “I don’t know. Things were definitely not suppose to be like this. We should all be in Austin Dana!” she follows me as they seat us at a table.

                “Andrea just chose what was best for her I suppose.”

                “You’re what’s best for her and you know that. I know that and she knows that.”

                “Then why is she married to Naomi and having kids with her?” We ask for our drinks and I play with the sugar packets.

                “She’s stupid, I don’t know. This just sucks. You’re over here in the marines and she’s with that b***h.” She takes a sip from her drink as they set mine down along with some tostadas.

                “I don’t know what else to do to make her come back Lori. I’ve done all that I can think of. I’m drained. I’m nothing Lori. Look at me, look at what I’m doing. I’ve ran out of ideas.” I take a drink and look out the window.

                “Move in with me?” She’s looking at me, giving me an innocent look.

                “What?” I’m stunned.

                “Let’s move to Austin. Just me and you.”

                “I can’t Lori…I’m…I’m going to Iraq.”

                “What?” I look down at the table.

                “I opted to head over there…I don’t want to go home…”

                “You can be killed Dana! What the hell are you thinking?!” She slams her fists on the table.

                “I have to go Lori…I’m f*****g miserable…let’s face it she’s not going to come back to me…”

                “If she asks you not to go would you reconsider?” I sigh.

                “Yes, but let’s be realistic that’s not going to happen.” I play with my drink and keep my eyes away from Lori’s.

                “I really don’t want you to go…nothing should be like this Dana…things are just so fucked up…” She’s crying, I just pull her into my arms and hold her tight.

                “I couldn’t agree with you more. I just don’t know what else to do love. Iraq just looks like my only option now.”

                “I don’t want to lose you too Dana. I need you to promise me that you’ll come back safe and when you do that we’ll get an apartment in Austin together.” She’s staring into my eyes, the way Andrea always did.

                “I promise.”

                “And you will try to get Andrea back also?”  I can feel pain starting again.

                “Yes.”

                The waitress sets our food down in front of us and we proceed to eat. Lori starts telling me what she’s been up to, I listen intently trying not to think of Andrea. I fail of course. Without even trying she sneaks back into my mind and the tears come all too soon. Lori soothes me while we continue to eat. I know that I will end up breaking up one of my promises to Lori. I don’t think I can ever intrude on Andrea’s life again. Her happiness is all that matters now. I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.

                “When do you leave to Iraq?”

                “The beginning of next year, I’ll be gone about 2 years I believe.” I push my plate aside and wipe my mouth.

                “What are you going to do now?”

                “Just prepare to go over there. Do me a favor?”

                “Anything Dana.”

                “I bought something for Andrea, I’m going to send it to her mom. Maybe you could somehow see Andrea and tell me if she kept it.”

                “I will. I promise.” I hug her tightly and ask for the ticket.

                I pay and lead Lori to the store. I pay for Andrea’s gift while Lori looks over it. I only wish that I could be the one to give it to her. I must admit that I do have slight hope that she will write to me once she receives it. I’m attempting not to think about too much, I don’t want to set myself up for a major disappointment.

                “It’s so beautiful Dana.”

                “I hope she keeps it.” I help her put it in the box.

                “She better! I don’t think she’d be that cold.”

                “True…Lori did she ever say why she left me…?”

                “She never talked about you after that day…she would just cry…I asked a million times and nothing. Slowly she started spending all her time with Naomi and eventually she just didn’t talk to me anymore. I can’t even believe she got married to Naomi and now she’s having a baby with her…” She’s walking beside me, shaking her head.

                “I wish I knew what exactly I did wrong. I wish I knew why she just stopped loving me. I need her Lori. I need her so bad. My life has no meaning.”

                “I don’t want you to leave me too, ok? You have to come back from Iraq.” I shove my hands in my pockets.

                “I won’t leave you Lori.” She wraps her arm around mine and clings on to me like Andrea would do.

                “Do you have to go back to your base already?”

                “No, I’ve got three more hours, is there anything you would like to do?”

                “It’s not such a big city huh?”

                “No, there’s not much in Virginia. You get use to it.”

                “Do you want to go to the hotel with me and just hang out?” She’s holding onto my arm tightly.

                “Sure.”

                We head to her hotel, it’s nothing grand but it’s comfortable. Lori lies next to me and cuddles up to me. We start watching a movie and before I know it she’s fast asleep. I really don’t want to leave; it feels good to be with someone I know and that I care about. I know I’ll get in major trouble if I don’t report back, but I really don’t want to leave Lori’s side. I’ve been on really good terms with my Sgt., so I think I want to ask for a free night.

                I call up the base real quick, and miraculously get away with it. I strip down to my boxers and muscle shirt and climb back into the bed. Lori strips down to her underwear and pulls on a big t-shirt. She curls up in my arms and lays her head on my chest. I put my arm around her and pull the cover over us.  I turn off the light and close my eyes. I’m hoping to have an easy night, every night is always bad. The tears never seem to fail.

                “Are you ok Dana?”

                “I’m fine.” I squeeze her shoulder reassuringly.

                “You’re hurting. I can feel you all tense.”

                “It’s the same thing every night, nothing new.”

                “Relax. Let me help make the pain go away.” Before I can understand what she’s trying to say, Lori’s on top of me, straddling me.

                I don’t know what to do. This is definitely not right. Lori starts kissing my neck but all that escapes from me are small sounds of pleasure. I should be saying no. What the hell am I doing? My hands begin to roam her body, touching where I know I shouldn’t. She has been reminding me of Andrea way too much. I can’t help but want Lori more, thinking of Andrea.

                I begin to kiss Lori back, I know I need to stop but I can’t. Lori’s eager for me, I can’t understand why. She’s straight that’s one problem and she’s like a sister to me. Her hands are roaming, pulling at my boxers. This has to stop. If I do this, I know I won’t be able to forgive myself.

                Lori’s pulling my boxers down. I need to stop her but something’s not letting me. I kiss on her neck as soft moans begin to escape her. I want her so badly. I can’t believe that I’m actually aroused. Even the thought of someone else touching me; or my hands on someone else is unbearable. Lori lifts up her arms as I pull her shirt off. She kisses me a little rougher as I undo her bra. This is unbelievable.

                Lori slips my boxers off while I pull off my shirt and toss it to the side. She slips off her panties and guides my hands down to her hips, just the way Andrea would. I close my eyes as she leads my hands lower. I can feel the heat building between her legs and I can feel my growing too. She places my hand on her mound and pleads with me to take her. I feel her wetness over taking my hand and I can’t do it. I can’t succumb to these unthinkable desires. I can’t take it.

                I drop my hands and immediately Lori reacts taking me into her arms. I’m not even aware of what’s going on anymore, but I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks. I know deep down that I will never be free of this misery, and that I will die alone. It is my fault that Andrea is no longer here, and I hate myself that much more.

. . .

                “I’m scared baby.” She’s underneath me, staring into my eyes intently.

                “I won’t hurt you, I promise. Just relax sweetheart.” I fumble with her buttons but manage to unbutton her shirt.

                “I want you so bad Dana. You have no idea.”

                “I want you too. Probably just as badly.” I lean in and kiss her gently, letting my tongue gently rub against her lower lip.

                “I’m not just a f**k, right?” She pulls away gently and gives me her serious look.

                “Of course not baby! You’re more than that, you know that.” She smiles and pulls me down for another kiss, I eagerly kiss her just the way she likes.

                “Take me Dana.” I smile and pull of the rest of her clothing.

                I kiss her a little rougher and let her take control of me. She pushes up against me and begs me to touch her. I smile seductively and let her guide my hand to her mound. I can feel how wet she is and can’t help but to become more aroused myself. I gently part her lips and begin to play with her c**t. She gasps and begins to move her body, matching the movement of my hand.

                “I love you Andrea. I love you so much.” She smiles as we begin to move a little faster, and begins to cry out my name. I close my eyes and continue to make love to my soul mate.

                She’s all over my hand, her cries are getting louder. Our souls are entwining, beginning the dance of love. I can hear another voice. I don’t know whose it is. I feel Andrea’s hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes to look at her and find myself in complete darkness.

                I sit up quickly and begin to look around. Lori sits up next to me and quickly turns on the lamp. I’m drenched in sweat and shaking. I hate having those dreams, if you can call them that. All of our memories live inside me. I tend to relive them every night. It’s always random.

                “You’re ok honey. Relax.” Lori’s cradling me in her arms, we’re still undressed.

                “I can’t keep doing this.” I can feel the tears, I have no control over myself right now.

                “Just let it out love. Relax and let it out.” She’s stroking my hair, but nothing can calm me right now.

                “I need her. I f*****g need her. Why did she go away? Why can’t she see that I’m dying without her?” I can feel the pain seeping throughout my entire body. I want to rip my heart out, scream my lungs out, do something in order for this pain to leave me.

                Lori continues to soothe me, assuring me that everything will be fine. She’s wrong of course, so long as I’m without Andrea I will never be fine. I hate this worthless piece of s**t I’ve become, but no matter what I do I can’t let her go. I end up falling asleep in Lori’s arms. I dream of Andrea yet again. This time it’s the night we first met. The day my life really began.

. . .

                I wake up before Lori does and jump in the shower. It’s hard for me to believe last night’s events. I guess staying the night turned out to be a bad choice after all. I’ve never imagined Lori wanting to be with me sexually. I’ve always treated her like a little sister. Andrea, her and I would always joke that I was the daddy, Andrea was the mommy, and Lori was the daughter.

                There has to be some way to take this pain away. I keep telling myself I’m ready to be free but I always end up falling down. I’ve heard it said that once you give a part of you to another it’s impossible to get it back. It’s true. I’m sitting here every night calling for my angel.

                “Dana?” The waters running over me, my thoughts tangled up.

                I don’t reply but seconds later Lori’s behind me with her arms around me, her head resting on my back. I shiver as her lips press against my skin. I want to push her away and run out, but I force myself to stay put. She’s kissing my shoulders, moving onto my neck. I close my eyes as the body falls over us both, and the pain with it.

                She turns me around to face her and I sigh. She coaxes my hand to her breasts, and as much as this voice inside of me is screaming not to I begin to cup her breasts. I take a n****e into my mouth as she her hand runs through my hair. I can hear her gentle moans and I can’t help but feel the need to make her scream. I want to hear my name. I want someone to beg for me, to need me.

                I take her other n****e into my mouth and run my hands over her body. She’s shivering, urging me to continue. I kiss my way down on her stomach, kneeling before her. I look up at her and she smiles encouragingly. I nod and kiss her lips. She’s wet and I mean wet. I take her c**t into my mouth and begin to suck gently as she gasps and begins pulling my hair.

                I push my tongue inside of her as much as I can and taste her juices. I let my mind wander away from Andrea for once and enjoy the sounds of pleasure escaping from Lori. I keep on, her moans getting louder. She pushes my face into her mound and I slip my fingers inside of her. She’s moving with me, gasping and screaming louder with each stroke. She’s pulling so hard on my hair I’m afraid she’ll rip some out. I f**k her until she cums and pulls me up.

                She puts my arms around her and kisses on my neck, attempting to slow her breathing. I remain calm. I don’t feel anything. I want to get out, get dressed, and get something to eat. She’s trying to be affectionate but I dismiss it. She slowly let’s go of me and I get out. I dry off and dress while she finishes her shower. I watch t.v. silently while she dresses. I don’t even admire the curves of her body or the beauty of her breasts.

                Tears are still streaming down my face. Lori has a small smile on her face, but I’m well aware how hard it was for me. I know that she’s feeling the pain that’s clouding the room. She starts fixing her hair, keeping her eyes on me in the mirror. I shift my gaze from the t.v. to the floor. One event in your life could change it’s whole course. When Andrea walked out of my life, I knew I had to keep my promise.

                I told her that she was the only one for me. I told her that I would never be with anyone else. I’ve sat here patiently and painfully waiting for her to return me and now I have broken one of my promises. I’d like to die right now. The misery that resides within me is almost too much to bear. I close my eyes as the tears continue. I don’t know if I can ever find peace. The only thing I do know is that I’m going to live the rest of my life in this hole thinking of what should have been.

                I ruffle my hair and sigh. I don’t know how to enjoy anything anymore. Lori checks herself one more time and starts going through her purse. I grab a hold of her and pull her onto me. She whimpers and tangles her fingers in my hair. I kiss her gently, her lips begging for more. She leans in closer as I pull away. I let go of her and get up.

                “Dana…please…” Her lips quivering, the tears are prepared to come out.

                “I can’t, you know I can’t…”

                “I’m sorry…I just don’t know what’s going on with me.” She fixes her purse and pulls on her jacket.

                “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go get some breakfast.” I pull on my jacket and wait for her by the door.

                She grabs the hotel key and exits before me. I follow her and close the door behind me. We head out and decide to walk to a restaurant. I lead her to a nice little Mexican place. We don’t say much to each other along the way. She grabs a hold of my hand and I just go with it. We walk into the restaurant and a waitress seats us by a window.  She hands us our menus and leaves to get us our drinks.

                I look over the menu, feeling Lori’s eyes on me. I look up at her and she smiles at me. I smile and nod. I take her hand and kiss it as the waitress returns to take our orders. I know the waitress is wondering if we’re a couple, I try to make it seem that way. I do whatever I can to avoid flirting or even any looks. Lori’s playing with my hand as she orders, running her fingers along my palm. She throws a look my way and I ignore it. I order my food and sink into the chair. It’s difficult to slouch, I’ve grown use to standing up straight, sitting up straight and walking around with pride.

                “Aren’t you just the cutest thing ever Loya?” The sarcasm leaps out at me, and I already know who it is.

                “Masden, did they send you to look for me?” I get up quickly, letting go of Lori’s hand.

                “What? No, no. I just felt like some Mexican food and decided to join Jones for some breakfast.”

                “Oh, well you guys can join us.” They smile at me and grab some chairs as Lori gives me an ugly look.

                “Thanks Loya.” Jones nods at me, Masden’s eyes are locked on Lori.

                “So who’s this Loya?” Masden and Lori are staring each other down.

                “This is my friend Lori. She came to see me for a couple of days.”

                “A friend, huh? Is this the one Loya, that b***h you’re always crying over?” Masden gives Lori and evil smile.

                “No.” I look away, hoping there won’t be some kind of fight.

                “I’m not that stupid, I’ll never let my baby go.” I close my eyes trying to figure out what Lori’s trying to say.

                “Your baby?” Masden’s looking from me to Lori confused, I just shrug.

                “Yes. Dana’s mine. So I’ll just put it to you like this, f**k off. She’s taken.” I pull my arm away as Madsen gets up her chair falling back.

                “You don’t give me a chance, but this b***h shows up and you’re taken for reals now? Damn Loya you’re all fucked up.” I shake my head not sure what to say.

                “I’m not with her damn it. She’s my ex’s best friend. I’m not with anyone, ok? I’m f*****g single, and f*****g miserable still. I don’t want anyone but Andrea, so just all of you get that through your f*****g head.” I pull some money out of my pocket and drop it on the table. I walk out without saying another word.

                I can hear Lori and Masden screaming after me, but I ignore it. I walk back to base thinking about Andrea like always.

 

 

                “Two weeks…how are you spending them Loya?” Masden’s watching me pack, curled up on my cot.

                “Don’t know.” Things have been awkward since the restaurant scenario. Lori swung by and I got one more night away. I spent the night painfully pleasing her. I cried myself to sleep knowing I had betrayed Andrea. I don’t know if I can hate myself more.

                “Come on baby…you should come with me…we’ll spend the two weeks together and make love all night, every night.” Masden’s behind me, her arms around my waist, and her lips pressing against my neck.

                “Stop calling me that. I already told you I’m not going anywhere with you.” I push her hands off and zip up my duffel bag.

                “Why are you so hard headed? I’m offering you the f*****g world and you won’t take it cause you’re stuck on some b***h who went off married someone else, and is starting a family. Some b***h who could care less if you’re dead or alive?”

                “She’s my soulmate. I told you that already.”

                “What a f*****g soulmate, right? You’re so stupid Loya, you need to wake up and get over that stupid b***h.”

                “Go to hell.” I grab my bags and head out to sign out and catch a cab to the airport.

                I can hear Masden calling after me but I just keep walking. I catch a cab and head over to the airport, wondering what I am going to do with my two weeks. I obviously need to go see my parents and tell them I’m heading to Iraq, but I have this undying urge to see Andrea. If I even show up at her door she’ll probably slam it on my face or with my luck Naomi will answer.

                I board my plane and find my seat with no trouble. I plug in my earphones and try to catch up on some sleep. I keep dreaming of all of my memories with Andrea. My favorite one has to be the day we first kissed. I’d been trying for months by then to get Andrea to be mine, with no avail. We had our Christmas break from school and I was utterly miserable because I had the misfortune of having my tonsils taken out. Andrea’s mom was on one of her anger trips and refused to let Andrea out anywhere. Andrea would call me all day and stay on the phone with me talking to me while I text her since I was unable to speak. At night she’d fall asleep on the phone with me, I’d listen to her sleep every night. I remember one of those nights we had a really deep conversation about our feelings for each other. She knew I was in love with her. I told her we’re soul mate, we actually said it at the same time. From that day on I felt a sort of unfamiliar strength between us. A couple of days before going back to school her mom finally let her out. It was my first day out since my surgery. Karen and my sister accompanied me on my “date”.

                I had tried many times before to kiss Andrea but my mind was set, I was determined to get that kiss. Karen and my sister sat themselves away from us, we took our own seats. I didn’t know whether to wait till the movie started or just go for it, so I went for it. I turned to her and laid a kiss on her lips. I was sure she’d slap me, but soon I realized she was kissing back and that we were still kissing. My heart was racing, the butterflies were going crazy and I couldn’t focus at all.

                From that day forth the bond I felt became even stronger. I still have no idea how I let myself be led astray. Andrea was always meant for me, I was completely sure of it. The first day we met, our eyes locked and I felt something I had never felt before. My heart stung, it was practically leaping out of my chest, I saw my purpose in her eyes. Something inside of me began to change that day.

                I wake up a couple of minutes before landing. It’s a miracle I even got on the plane. I have the worst fear of heights. I’m anticipating a big old thing when I get off the plane. I’m sure my parents told the whole family and they planned a big thing. The only person I want to see when I get off this plane is Andrea.

                I head off the plane preparing myself for a swarm of people but don’t come to that. My parents aren’t even present. The only people standing before me are Lori, Karen, Leila and Andrea’s mom. I smile as Lori runs to me followed by Karen and Leila. Lori jumps in my arms as I drop my carryon bag. Her legs are around my waist and she’s kissing my neck and all over my face. Leila and Karen stare at us unsure. Andrea’s mom looks down shaking her head. I lift Lori off of me and set her down.

                Karen pushes her out of the way and jumps into my arms. I laugh and lift her off the floor. Leila’s behind us shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Karen pushes away from me as I set her down and hug Leila. Andrea’s mom pulls me into her arms and begins crying. I squeeze her tightly unsure of what’s going on.

                “Are you alright?” I’m not sure if I did something wrong or if I should be expecting something really bad.

                “I’m fine Dana. You look so good, so skinny. Look at you!” I smile as she wipes her tears away.

                “I was always running.” We all start laughing as I pick up my bag and start heading towards the baggage claim.

                Lori puts her arm around my waist and I sigh. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want anything anymore. I keep trying and it goes in one ear and out the other. Karen helps me with my bag and I follow everyone outside. Karen and Leila go their own way with Lori. I decide to go with Andrea’s mom. I follow her to her car and stay quiet. We ride in silence to Andrea’s childhood home. As soon as we pull up pain floods back into me. All the memories overtake me.

                I follow Andrea’s mom into the house and settle myself into the couch. I remember the few times I sat on the couch with Andrea in my arms hoping her brother wouldn’t see us, or her parents.

                “Are you sure you don’t want to eat Dana? You’re so skinny.” Andrea’s mom hands me a water and I gladly take it.

                “I’m fine, thank you though.” I take a drink from the bottle and smile.

                “It’s so good to see you. So tell me what’s the next step?” She takes a seat next to me and smiles.

                “I’m being deployed to Iraq in two weeks.”

                “Dana…no…you can’t!” She’s looking at me in shock.

                “I have to. It’s my duty.” I take another drink and look away from her.

                “What about Andrea?”

                “There’s nothing more I can do. I can’t force her to come back to me. I think it’s best if I leave to Iraq. I won’t do any good here being miserable all day and night.”

                “You aren’t exactly giving yourself any other options, am I correct?”

                “You’re correct. I need to go.” I finish my water and set the bottle down on the table in front of me.

                “I just can’t believe you’re going to leave. I’ll be praying for you.”

                “Thank you.” I smile and nod.

                “Andrea there’s something I want to show you, maybe I shouldn’t but I have some odd idea that you’d like to see it.”

                “Alright.” I wait anxiously as she heads upstairs to get whatever she’s going to show me.

                I look around the room remembering the times I had been here before. Andrea and I would be secretive about our relationship and now her mother was welcoming me with open arms. Odd twist. I’m finally accepted into the home and Andrea is elsewhere. I miss her so much. I wish badly she was here with me, loving me, holding me, wanting me, needing me, and being mine and only mine. Things could possibly change but I am not as hopeful as everyone else is.

                “Hopefully you won’t get upset with me Andrea… I mean Dana…” She’s standing in front of me I smile warily.

                “I’ll try my best not to…” She hands me a picture.

                It’s Andrea, Naomi, a little girl about one years old and a baby boy. I stare at the picture as pain surges throughout me. This is suppose to be my life, my kids, my wife. I keep my eyes focused on Andrea’s smile. She looks happy and I should be glad she is but I’m not. I may be called selfish but I can’t bear knowing she’s happy with someone else. She should be happy with me.

                 I can feel the tears falling and Andrea’s mom hand laying on my shoulder, but everything else doesn’t matter anymore. I have to go to Iraq. Andrea will never be mine again no matter how hard I were to try. She has a family and she is happy. I drop to my knees and begin to cry loudly, screaming out in pain. Andrea’s mom wraps her arms around me in an attempt to soothe me. I cry until I have nothing left in me. Andrea’s mom helps me upstairs and into Andrea’s old bed. I cry myself to sleep, remembering the night I made love to Andrea here. Her mom was downstairs, also her brother. We had gone to help with some sort of competition and I was drained. I laid down and immediately fell asleep. Andrea was on the floor doing homework. I woke suddenly looking for her. She came to me and laid in my arms.

                I held her tightly, kissing her, enjoying every second with her. Eventually the kisses became rougher and our hands were discovering familiar places. We made love quietly, hoping no one would walk in. The way we looked at each other you knew we were meant to be. Our love always clouded the room, and everyone around us could feel this sort of power between us. I could describe it like a gravitational pull. Since the first time I was naturally drawn to her.

                I can’t believe I’m back in this bed now without her. I’m tempted to get up and sneak out but Andrea’s mom would probably be upset and worried. I feel like I’m in high school again. I’m 24 years old and I don’t want to sneak out so I won’t worry my ex’s mother? My misery really is distorting my logical thinking.

                I fall asleep after an hour of nonstop thinking. My thoughts are all about Andrea of course. I wonder how her and Naomi go on about their daily lives. I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if she can feel me slowly dying. After so long I still need her just as much as I ever have.

                I don’t dream for the first time in a while. It’s more like a vacation to my heart and my eyes. No pain, and no crying. I’ve got to be so depressing to those around me. It must be unbearable for them to have to watch me continue on this way. No matter how hard I try I can’t stop loving Andrea. At times I wish I could at least find peace, I wish I could become numb to the pain and live some kind of normal life.

                I can hear Andrea’s mom moving around in the morning but decide I’m not ready to get up. I pull the cover over my head as the aroma of bacon and eggs fills my nostrils. I know it’ll be time to get up pretty soon but I want to savor any little sleep I have left. I turn onto my back and look up at the ceiling. I wish I could turn to my side and there Andrea would be.

                I try to drift back to sleep but it’s just not happening. I roll over and stare at the wall for a couple of minutes and decide it’s time to get up. I head to the restroom to take care of my business. I look at myself in the mirror and laugh at my hair. It’s standing up in all directions. I can imagine Andrea next to me, laughing at how our hair looks in the morning. This girl just runs every aspect of my life.

                I wash my face and brush my teeth while humming mine and Andrea’s favorite song. I can feel the pain taking over me as usual. I’ve learned to just live with it. It stays with me all day and night so I might as well go about my life with it there. I sigh as I fix my hair and put on my glasses. I feel old and to most people I’m still young. Twenty four years old. An RN heading to Iraq in two weeks, lost the woman of my dreams, and nothing left. My life isn’t exactly so grand.

                I head back to the room and pull out some clean jeans and a black muscle shirt. It’s not like I’m trying to show off, I don’t have anyone I want looking besides Andrea, and to bump into her would be more of an awkward situation than one of joy at least for her. I get dressed and pull on my shoes. I leave my phone on the charger and head downstairs to get some food. Andrea’s mom is serving the plates so I grab us some glasses and serve us orange juice. I grab forks and napkins as Andrea’s mom sets the plates down and takes her seat. I take my seat and start to dig in.

                “Dana.” Her hands on mine I drop my fork and look up.

                “Huh?”

                “A prayer?” She gives me a serious look and I sigh.

                “Right” I straighten up and put my hands together, bowing my head, “Thank you God for this food and all the blessings in life, although I could ask for some favors in mine. Amen.”

                “Dana…that’s not exactly the way to talk to God.” I shrug and start eating as Andrea’s mom shakes her head and begins to eat.

                “Do you mind if I stay here for these two weeks?”

                “Don’t you want to go stay with your parents?” She’s looking at me with disbelief but I’m determined not stay at home.

                “They’re out of town. Turns out they decided to take a nice 3 week cruise, and I don’t have a key to the house so I was hoping you’d allow me to stay here. I’ll help out with whatever you need me to.”

                “I would love for you to stay here Dana. It gets lonely sometimes. It’ll be nice to have someone to cook for and talk to when I get home.” She smiles and continues to eat.

                “I was thinking of doing a little bit of work to get some money, maybe yard work or things like that.”      

                “You don’t get paid from the marines?” I wipe my mouth and look at her.

                “Yes but I just need something to do for the next two weeks and so I can give you money for groceries and me staying here.”

                “Dana you don’t need to give me any money. Enjoy your two weeks, go with friends, visit your family.”

                “I just don’t want to be free loading.” I finish up my food and sigh.

                “You’re not Dana. It’s my pleasure to have you here. If you help me clean up the house we’ll call it even, and the upstairs bathroom could use some painting.” She finishes her food and starts picking up my plate, I rush to get up and help her out.

                “Whatever you ask me to do, I’ll do it.” I take the dishes and begin washing them.

                “I’ll think some things up.” She smiles as I continue to wash the dishes.

                “It feels odd to be home. I got so use to the marine life over there.” She begins to dry the dishes as I rinse them.

                “Well you really should enjoy your two weeks Dana. I really wish you weren’t going to Iraq but since you’ve made up your mind there’s just nothing I can do. The only person who can change your mind hasn’t called me in two months.” She sighs as I dry my hands off.

                “It doesn’t sound like my Andrea anymore…” I cross my arms across my chest and focus on the floor.

                “She changed ever since you two ended for good…I blame myself entirely sometimes. If only I had been more understanding and accepted you Dana, things would be like they should be right now. Everything’s just a terrible mess. She ended up with the wrong person and it’s all my fault.” She begins to cry and I rush to soothe her.

                “It wasn’t your fault. It was all mine. I shouldn’t have left her.” I begin to cry with her.

                “No Dana. No crying, I’m sorry. We should be enjoying the time you have here, not standing in this kitchen crying our eyes out.” She composes herself and begins wiping away my tears.

                “I’m sorry. I just keep trying to live some kind of normal life but the way I see it that will just never be possible.” I sigh and push my hands in my pockets.

                “How about we try and make the most of these next two weeks? I’m definitely in the mood for some shopping today, would you care to join me Dana?”

                “Sure. I’ll head up to shower and get dressed.” I smile and put the rest of the dishes away.

                “We’ll head out in about two hours then.” She smiles and makes her way upstairs.

                I finish with the dishes and run upstairs to get things ready so I can shower. Andrea’s mom is deciding on what to wear so I head to the restroom and turn the water on. I let the water fall over me as I picture Andrea here with me. I can imagine her putting her arms around my waist, placing her kisses along my shoulders.  I close my eyes and I can feel her, it’s almost as if she’s really here. I wish it were reality.

                I open my eyes and shake her away as I reach for the shampoo. I finish my shower and dry myself off. I can hear Andrea’s mom moving around in her room and I sigh. Maybe some shopping will do me some good. I could use a couple of new outfits, it wouldn’t hurt. I may not want to attract anyone but it doesn’t hurt to look presentable, after all I am a marine now.

                I get dressed and fix up my hair. I head back to “my” room and spray on some perfume. I can hear Andrea’s mom getting into the shower and decide to head downstairs to watch some t.v. I head downstairs and grab myself a water bottle before settling onto the couch. I skim through the channels not sure what I’m looking for and settle on some movie about soldiers. I can feel myself falling asleep and decide that a nap wouldn’t be so bad. I lay back on the couch and start feeling the sleep spreading over me when I hear the front door opening. My eyes open and I’m staring at the ceiling. I’m hoping it’s not Andrea’s brother, I’m not sure if her mom’s told him it’s fine for me to be here now. I’m not in the mood for a fight.

                I sigh and slowly get up from the couch as the door closes. I turn to look and see James giving me a confused look. I dig my hands in my pockets and try to decide if I should say something or not. He takes a step towards me and drops his bag next to the staircase. I bite on my lip and take some steps toward him.

                “Hey…” I extend my hand feeling extremely worried.

                “Hey.” He takes my hand and shakes it.

                “Look your mom…well I don’t know if she told you…but see she’s been fine with me now and well…I’m leaving for Iraq in two weeks and I just asked to stay here…” He breaks out laughing and I smile weakly unsure of what’s going on.

                “Dude relax I know. I’m not going to hurt you, besides you’re a damn marine you could kill me if you wanted to.” He pulls me in for a hug unexpectedly and I gently pat his back.

                “I’m not really a killer.”

                “Well where you’re heading you’ll have to be. Man it’s weird to see you in here and not get the feeling to kick your a*s or something.” He smiles and I faintly smile.

                “I didn’t expect this either trust me.”

                “Well the past is the past right?” I nod as he leads me to the living room. “You should relax dude. Just be chilled with me and I’ll be chilled with you.”

                “Sorry.” I take a seat next to him and try not to be so awkward.

                “So Iraq huh? You trying to get yourself killed on purpose?” He’s looking at me eyebrow raised and I can tell I’m still acting awkward.

                “No. just don’t want to be here so I figured might as well do something useful.”

                “You’re still hung up on my sister, huh?” I grind my teeth and look down.

                “I still love with her. I’m always going to be in love with her. It wasn’t suppose to be like this James. I should be married to your sister right now, living in Austin and having babies with her.” I want to cry but there’s no way I breaking my tough exterior in front of Andrea’s brother.

                “I know. Man I didn’t realize how real your guys love was until I saw how upset Andrea was dude. I felt so bad then, like I just want her to be happy and this chick she’s with just ain’t cutting it to be honest. I don’t like the b***h at all. My mom hates her and my dad well he just keeps to himself. But you’re right dude it shouldn’t be like this right now, you should be married to my sister.” I can feel him squeezing my shoulder and the awkwardness leaves the room.

                “I have no idea what happened. And I have no idea what to do.”

                “I would tell you to move on dude but I know you can’t and I’m sorry for how fucked up this all turned out.”

                “There’s nothing more I can do.” I sigh and look up.

                “Just let my mom know I came by and I’m really sorry. Tell her the bags full of stuff she asked me for.” I nod as he gets up and heads out the door.

                I never in a million years thought I’d sit down and have a heart felt conversation with James. He wanted to kill me. He hated me, just hated me. We hated each other. He threatened me, I threatened him and now he’s on my side. Ironic isn’t it? We wanted so badly for Andrea’s family to accept me and now that I lost her I’m taken in with open arms. The cruelty of life.

                I settle myself back on the couch and continue watching the movie. I can hear Andrea’s mom upstairs going about her business of getting ready. I shrug off the time even though I’m use to a strict schedule. It feels good not to be hearing so much yelling, or having someone call me a million and one names. Proud to be a marine but it’s hell getting through it.

                I’m getting into the movie when I hear the door opening again. I roll my eyes and wonder what’s going to happen now. I take my time getting up as the door closes. I have no clue who it is but I don’t want any problems. I’m not sure exactly who Andrea’s mom has talked to about me.

                “Dana…” I’m facing Andrea.

                “Andrea…” My jaw drops.

                “What…what are you doing here?” She takes a step towards me and I do the same.

                “I’m staying here for the next two weeks…”

                “What are you doing Dana?” I can see tears forming in her eyes and I know they’re angry tears.

                “Nothing…I just I need somewhere to stay…and your mom let me…I swear I’m not doing anything…”

                “Dana you can’t keep doing this…you can’t keep showing up like this and trying to ease your way back in! I told you I’m married why don’t you understand that?” I can feel tears starting to sting my eyes and I don’t know what to do.

                “I’m not trying to do anything, I swear to you Andrea…I’ll leave right now. I’ll find somewhere else to stay these next two weeks…” I begin to move towards the stairs but she stops me.

                “Two weeks?” I can’t bear looking into her eyes so I redirect my gaze to the floor.

                “Yes ma’am…”

                “You’re staying with my mom for two weeks? Don’t you have a house of your own or something?”

                “I live with my parents but they went on a three week cruise and I don’t have keys with me…”

                “You sound like you’re still in high school or something Dana, pretty pathetic actually. I thought you’d do more with your life.” She walks past me and heads to the kitchen, her words are stinging.

                “I told you there’s no way I could live without you. This is me making a meager attempt at some kind of life…” I make my way to the kitchen slowly.

                “Dana please just move on. Just forget me and move on. Do something with your life, go buy a house, bang a couple of girls. Go crazy.” She sips some water from her cup and looks away from my eyes.

                “Who are you? Where’d you go Andrea? This change is killing your mom and brother, hell it’s killing me and I don’t have any sort of contact with you.”        

                “Go to hell Dana. Don’t come here and start telling me s**t about myself. We ended what four f*****g years ago, get f*****g over it and move on. I don’t love you, I never did.” I take a step back unsure of what I’m going to do. Her words are killing me, I feel like putting a gun to my chest and pulling the trigger.

                “I love you and you can keep saying that until one day when you actually believe it. You’re my one and only. You’re my everything, you’re my soul mate. Hate me if you want, don’t give a damn about me, wish me f*****g dead Andrea because in two weeks I’m gone and I hope the only way I come back is in a damn body bag.” I let the tears begin to fall.

                “What the f**k are you talking about Dana?”

                “I’m leaving to f*****g Iraq Andrea. Not like you give a damn, but f**k I hope I’m the first one hit and gone cause I’ve got nothing left to live for.” I can feel even more tears falling down and I don’t know if they’re from anger or hurt.

                I take a step away from her and wipe the tears away. I hate myself for crying. I can hear her crying too and I have a slight hope she’ll beg me to stay but I can’t keep this false hope up. I let the tears finishing coming so I can let all this pain out and I feel her behind me. I don’t want to look at her right now. I just want to get my things and leave.

                “Dana…” I hesitate but turn to face her.

                The tears are streaking down her face as she reaches out to me. I’m unsure about what’s going on so I pull my hand away. Andrea puts her arms around my waist and pulls me in. I feel myself wanting to fight but my hearts leaping with joy. She presses her lips against mine and instantly mine are reacting back. The love begins to spread throughout me and I feel an incredible warmth overtaking me. At this moment I am more than sure that she is my soul mate. I always knew. My lips savor hers, remembering the way she liked to be kissed. I put my arms around her and pull her in closer. I can feel her kisses getting rougher and I know exactly what it’s leading to.

                I kiss her begging lips instinctively and begging leading her towards the couch. I can feel her pulling away from me and try to hold on. She pushes me hard and I land on the couch. I look at her with same loving eyes I always have. She stares at me with anger in her eyes. I get up quickly and attempt to wrap my arms around but she pushes me away. I’m not sure what just happened or what any of this means. I try to touch her face but she dismisses my hand. I’m about to say something when she slaps me nice and hard. I close my eyes as the impact sends pain spreading through me.

                I hear her get her purse and slam the front door behind her. I feel the tears beginning and before I know it I’m down on my knees and screaming out for her. I’m extremely baffled by what just happened. I want to run after her and ask her what this means. I want to know if she’s trying to tell me what I think she is. I want her back so badly, I need her back.

1 Week Later

                “Dana are you ready yet?” I’m fixing my tie and checking my hair one last time, I’m so nervous.

                “Just about.” I can tell that Andrea’s mom is getting anxious to head out to dinner with Andrea’s father. I still have no clue why they asked me to tag along.

                I smooth out my shirt and grab my wallet and phone so I can head downstairs. I see the teddy bear I gave Andrea on the bed and sigh. I thought she’d always keep him with her. Goober was like our baby. When I had stuffed him up I made a wish, that I’d be with Andrea forever and make her happy always. I feel like I’ve let the bear down, like I let my children down. I hold the bear for a couple seconds and set it back down. Andrea hasn’t made any contact since what happened. I’m still trying to figure out what it all means, but at this point none of my theories make any sense. How can she want me back if it’s been a week and still no phone call?

                I get downstairs and immediately Andrea’s mom is smoothing out my shirt and fixing my tie. I sigh and allow her to do so. She smiles as she smooths out my shoulders and pulls me in for a hug. We have this bond now that is just unbelievable. She treats me like I’m her own daughter. Andrea would have loved this. She would be so happy to see me and her mom getting along so well. She would have.

                Andrea’s mom grabs her purse and I follow her out to the car. Andrea’s dad smiles at me as I settle in to the backseat. I feel incredibly awkward. Andrea’s dad takes the opportunity to ask me about the whole Iraq deal, and just like Andrea’s mom he thinks it’s a bad idea. No one wants me to go, but no one wants to put up with me. I explain to him my situation if you can even call it that and he has no words for me. The easy solution for me is to go to Iraq and hope that I don’t come back.

                We pull up to a nice little Italian restaurant and park close. I sigh as I get out and fix my tie. Andrea’s mom waits for me to help her as I get her cane. She takes the hand of Andrea’s father and I follow behind. I still feel like a little kid, and I’m not even going to dinner with my parents. I’m going to have dinner with my ex’s parents. Talk about an awkward situation.

                 We get seated immediately and I start scanning the menu. I’m in the mood for a million things tonight, but I know I won’t pig out. Andrea’s mom and dad look over at me smiling, I give them an awkward smile and return my eyes to the menu. I know something’s up, I just don’t know what. Maybe Andrea’s coming and we’re going to be united at last. Alright I admit that’s a stupid thought. That will never happen.

                “Dana.” I look up slowly, I got lost in my thoughts again.

                “Yes?” Andrea’s parents have a huge smile on their face, I’m scared.

                “We have someone we want you to meet.” Oh s**t.

                “Um ok?” I can see a tall blonde hair blue eye girl approaching the table. She’s super thin and has her eyes set on me. I’m worried now.

                I shutter when I realize what’s going on. I don’t want to be rude but I will be if I need to. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the fact that they want to see me happy but this is definitely not going to make that happen. I’m not going to say that this girl isn’t attractive but I know I’m not even willing to give her a chance. I’ve been set on Andrea since the first time we met, and it will forever be that way.

                “Dana this is Megan. She’s my friend’s daughter.” I smile and get up taking her hand in mine.

                “Hi Dana.” She smiles back, her eyes roaming all over me.

                “Hi Megan.” I pull out the chair next to me so she can take a seat.

                “You’re very attractive. I’ve never dated a marine before.” She crinkles her nose at me I fake another smile.

                “Thank you, you’re attractive yourself.” She’s never dated a marine before? Who the hell said we’re dating?

                “Very respectful, I like that.” She winks at me and giggles. Oh god it’s another Masden except this one’s blonde and ditzy.

                “Thank you.” I sneak an angry look at Andrea’s parents, they smile trying to convince me it’s a good thing.

                “I was told you’re an RN.”

                “You were told right then.” She slips her hand through my arm and starts fiddling with my hand. This is just great.

                “I’m a nurse also!” She looks up at me smiling and I return the smile. She’s aggravating me.

                “That’s great.” I try to move my hand away but she secures it in hers again.

                “It looks like we might just have a lot in common Dana. I think we’ll make a great couple.” Couple? A couple? Did I blackout for a moment and ask her to be my girlfriend? Did I use my mind to ask her? What the hell is up with this girl?

                “Sure?” I look at Andrea’s parents confused, they return the look.

                “You smell so good, and I can feel your muscles. You’re so cut and so sexy.” I can feel her breath on my neck and I shudder. She better not even try it.

                “Um thanks?” I lean away from her a bit but she only leans in closer.

                “I think we should go and do our own thing Dana. We can get to know each other better.” She winks at me and I’m definitely catching her drift.

                “I don’t…”

                “That’s a great idea! We’ll head home after this Dana and you can accompanying Megan home or wherever you two would like.” Andrea’s dad smiles, looking from me to Megan. Inside I can hear myself screaming for help, I do not want anything to do with this girl.

                I sigh and settle back into my chair. Megan begins talking to Andrea’s parents, laughing with them and sliding her hand carefully up my thigh. I want to push her off and just take off, but I know it’ll be extremely rude. I’m not one to cause a scene. I hope this girl doesn’t take me to her home, I don’t have a car so I don’t have any way to get out of this situation. I wish Andrea would show up, tell this chick to get lost and take me home with her where I belong.

                We eat dinner all the while I’m quiet and Megan’s laughing along with Andrea’s parents. They can tell I’m upset but don’t say anything. Maybe they won’t make me go with her after this. I hope not. I will definitely be mad. She’s rubbing my thigh like crazy but I can proudly say that I am not in the least bit turned on. For some strange reason I wish Masden was here to get this chick away from me, but then she’d also like any opportunity to get in bed with me. I hate how my life’s turned out.

                “Well we will give you two an opportunity to get to know each other better.” Andrea’s dad pushes away from the table and I snap out of my little La La Land.

                “Huh?” I look up confused and look around the table. Andrea’s dads giving me a thumbs up and winking, Andrea’s mom is mouthing a sorry, and Megan’s eyeing me like I’m the juiciest steak in the world.

                “Stay out as late as you want Dana.” Andrea’s dad squeezes my shoulder as Andrea’s mom follows him.

                “No. Wait!” I try to get up and follow them but Megan jumps up and grabs me around the waist.

                “Where do you think you’re going silly?” She laughs and plants a big kiss on my lips.

                “Look why don’t we do this another time, I’m really tired and I just need some sleep.” I’m trying to pry her hands off but I must admit the girl has a pretty strong grip.

                “You’re so silly Dana, I like that.” I manage to get her hands off but she grabs a hold of my hand and leads me outside to her car.

                “I’m serious, please just take me home. I’m really exhausted, I need sleep.” I’m wondering if I can make a break for it. Wow, I’m acting like I’m a prisoner or something.

                “You can take a nap when we get to my apartment baby.” I look at her in shock, I’m sure of her intentions. This girls going to keep me prisoner, try to make me hers and never let me go. I have to get away.

                “I think you’re going about this the wrong way. I’m not the type to move so quick on the first day let alone call a girl I don’t even know mine.” I get my hand free and start moving away from her.

                “Dana please be serious. You’re hot, I’m hot we’re going to end up in bed together and I’m pretty sure the way you please me I’m going to be your girl.” She winks at me and moves closer, I take a step back shaking my head.

                “No. I’m not the type just looking for a f**k, ok? And I’m not looking for a girl either. I don’t want anyone if it’s not Andrea.”

                “Her dad told me you were all stuck up on her. Let me help you forget that sorry b***h.” She reaches for my arm but I pull away. I’m pissed now.

                “F**k you.” I walk away without looking back. I can hear her yelling at me but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of people trying to decide what I need to do for my life and I’m sick and tired of people trying to make me pretend like I can just move on and forget Andrea, because I can’t she’s my soul mate and no matter what anyone does nothing will ever change that fact.

                I keep walking not really sure how I’m going to get back “home”. I could walk all the way, I could use the exercise. I haven’t worked out today so it would be a good thing. I head towards the lights and wait for the walking signal. I’m not sure whether or not I should be upset with Andrea’s dad, I mean he was just trying to help. I am sick of people trying to help me though. How can anyone know what’s best for me if I don’t even know myself? I honestly don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I’m not even sure you can call it life anymore, my life died the second Andrea left. I feel like a ghost roaming around somewhere I don’t belong and as much as I’d like to “go to the light” something’s always holding me back; Andrea.

                I’ve already walked two blocks without much notice. I feel like jogging but I’m not exactly dressed for it, or wearing the right shoes. I keep on walking into a parking lot thinking of just stopping into a store and having a look around when I hear honking behind me. I turn around to see Haylee sitting behind the wheel of a blue Honda Civic. I nod my head at her and turn around to keep walking. She drives up next to me, lowering her window.

                “You need a ride?” She’s looking at me with those same eyes, I sigh.

                “I don’t know…I mean no…yeah…sure…I guess…” I make my way to the passenger side and get in.

                “I won’t bite Dana…you look really good…and I mean really really good…what in the world have you been up to?” She’s studying me, I can feel her eyes all over me.

                “Marines.” I bite my lip and lean back.

                “Are you serious?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Damn. You really are depressed still…” She puts the car in drive and begins to make her way out of the parking lot.

                “Yeah…depressed as f**k…”

                “I think I remember how to get to your house…” I shove my hands in my pockets and stare out the window.

                “I’m staying with Andrea’s parents.”

                “What the hell? Why?”

                “My parents are gone and I just don’t want to be home. I only have a week left and I’m out.” This is extremely awkward and unusual.

                “Where are you going? Back to base?”

                “Iraq.” She slams on her brakes and I hit the dashboard.

                “What the f**k Dana?” I wipe blood from my mouth and look at her.

                “What Haylee? What the f**k yourself, you fucked up my lip.”

                “Sorry just what the hell do you want to die? What the f**k are you trying to prove
Dana?” I grab the tissue from her hand and wipe the blood from my mouth.

                “I’m not trying to prove s**t ok? Besides what I do is none of your f*****g business. Just take me home and I’ll give you gas money for the ride.”

                “I still f*****g care about you Dana ok? Just because Andrea didn’t choose you you’re going to put yourself in a situation that could end your life? That’s stupid if you ask me.” I toss the tissue outside and straighten myself up.

                “Well I’m not asking you so just take me home, ok?” She sighs and shakes her head as she continues to drive.

                I give her directions to the house and sit back quietly. I can tell she wants to ask me a million things, but holds back. I appreciate that. I’m not in the mood to really answer anyone’s questions. I want to go straight to bed when I get home, and nothing else. I’m sure Andrea’s parents will want to know what happen but perhaps they can just guess for themselves.

                Haylee doesn’t say a word as we pull up to the house. I’m not sure I if should ask to see her again before I leave, to give her a chance to see what’s been going on in my life. I honestly feel a bit awkward being here with her, to think I lost Andrea because I chose to run around with Haylee it just kills me. It wasn’t Haylee’s fault, by no means I’m the one who made the decision in the end, I’m the only one to blame for the life I have now. Andrea did what she had to because I opted for a great time, when in a reality I never even had that with Haylee. I broke a girls heart just because I thought I could run away from my love from Andrea, but soul mates is no joke. When it’s real it’s just real.

                “Look I don’t mean to be so rude, I’m just touchy about Andrea. No I’m not over her and I never will be. She’s my soul mate and nothing has changed that fact. I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but if you’d like I’ll pick you up for dinner tomorrow and we can do some catching up.” I sigh and keep my eyes directed away from hers.

                “I would love that Dana.” She’s touching my hand, rubbing it softly with her thumb.

                “I’ll pick you up around 6. Just send me directions to your house.” I give her my number and get hers and proceed to get off of the car.

                “Dana…”             

                “Yeah?” I peer through the open window.

                “I’m glad we’re going on a date.” She smiles and drives off leaving me standing there, I’m at a lost for words.

                Why is that a nice dinner with an old friend suddenly turns into a date? I try to be nice to her and now all of a sudden it’s a date? These girls really are just driving me so crazy. I head inside and find Andrea’s parents at the table. I wave and grab a soda from the fridge. They motion for me to join but I’m still pretty upset with them. I hesitate and sit down, I’m not in the mood to talk about it.

                “Look Dana we weren’t trying to disrespect you”, his voice is gentle, almost soothing, “…or anger you, but considering the circumstances don’t you think it’s time you started dating?” Andrea’s mom nods along.

                “I’m just…I’m in love with Andrea, I always will be. The bottom line is it’s Andrea or no one, and I’m grateful you all care about me so much but dating is not an option. You’re daughter is the only woman for me.” I take a drink from my soda and sigh.

                “Did Megan take it hard when you asked her to bring you home?” Andrea’s mom’s unusually quiet.

                “She didn’t bring me home.”

                “You walked?” Andrea’s mom voice sounds like a child saying something they know they shouldn’t.

                “Quite a bit, till I bumped into an old friend and she dropped me off.” I take another drink and feel a sort of tension fill the air.

                “She?” His voice is almost stern, like my fathers.

                “Haylee…my ex….the one I left Andrea for…the reason my life is so fucked right now. The temptation that drew me away from the most beautiful woman in the world.”

                “Well it happens…” He smiles as if almost proud of his own past temptations. I can see it’s bothering Andrea’s mom and I want to hit him so bad. She’s become like a mother to me.

                “No it doesn’t. It’s the stupidest thing in the whole f*****g world. I gave up my whole damn future for a girl I didn’t even get anything out of.” I toss my soda in the trash and head upstairs.

                I can hear them talking amongst themselves as I’m going up. I grab some clothes and head to the shower. It’s probably going to be an early night for me. Pj’s, popcorn, soda and a movie all sound good right about now. I shower as quick as I can and get dressed. Andrea’s parents are in their bedroom talking, I wave and head downstairs to the living room. I look at the movie selection and pick a horror movie. Why not? I’m a chicken but I like watching horror movies probably more than anyone.

                I head to the kitchen and look around for the popcorn. I grab a napkin and find the popcorn and get ready to pop the bag in the microwave when there’s a knock at the door. I sigh and toss the bag to the side and head towards the door. In the back of my mind I’m hoping I’ll open the door to come face to face with Andrea, she’ll jump in my arms and tell me she’ll love me and she abandoned Naomi. We’ll get married and I’ll move in with her and the kids that are suppose to be mine and live happily ever after. Crazy, right?

                I open the door slowly and hesitate to look. Haylee’s face comes into clear view and I shrug. She smiles big and motions to let her in. I look upstairs and let her in. She makes her way to the sofa without saying a word to me. She’s in a low cut skirt, a button up shirt buttoned up to her cleavage, and her breasts are almost popping out. Her long black hair is in curls and her lips are red and plump. Her brown eyes meet mine and I know what’s she’s insinuating. I’m very worried now.

                I go back to the kitchen and pop the popcorn in the microwave. It’s odd to me that although I still fantasize about love making with Andrea, other women don’t arouse me at all. I’m completely turned off even more when women try to get in my pants. Sexual attraction is all but gone for me, unless it’s Andrea. I grab a bowl and pour the popcorn in, trashing the empty bag. I grab two sodas and the bowl and head to the living room. Haylee’s looking through the DVDs and I can see her skirt a little higher, her black panties showing. She’s just trying way too hard.

                “I didn’t know if you wanted a coke or water.” I move towards the sofa and set the bowl and sodas down on the table.

                “A coke is fine.” She smiles and makes her ways toward me.

                “You wanna watch the movie with me?” I sit down on the sofa and make myself comfortable.

                “What else am I going to do Dana?” She rolls her eyes and settles in next to me.

                The previews begin and we watch quietly I can see her hand slowly creeping towards mine out of the corner of my eye. I sit up and grab the popcorn and a soda. Haylee sighs and reaches for her can, opening it and drinking from it. I take a sip from my own and grab a handful of popcorn. Haylee’s watching me eat out of the corner of her eye, licking her lips and waiting for the opportunity to take advantage of me. I’m prepared not to give her any opportunity at all. If she attacks me, I’ll get up and make her leave. I’ve got it all planned out in my head by now and I’m preparing my defenses.

                Before I know it we’re into the movie and the popcorns gone. Haylee grabs a hold of me every time a scary part comes on but I ignore her. I sip on my soda slowly, savoring every last drop. Haylee’s definitely closer to me, her breath on my neck. I shiver as her hand runs up and down my arm. I want to give myself to her. I want her to touch me, a sort of slap in Andrea’s face. How can I do that to her? How can I want that? I swore to never let anyone have me, to never let anyone put their hands on me the way she had. She’s the only one who’s truly had me. Who’s put their hands on me and pleasured me. Making love was pure ecstacy, like being in heaven.

                Haylee takes the empty can out of my hand and sets it on the table. I sigh and hold back tears. She’s straddling me and I don’t stop her. She looks into my eyes but I look away, I don’t know if I can do this. She slips a hand under my chin and lifts up my face, our eyes meet. She knows I don’t want this, but proceeds to unbutton her shirt. She slips it off and tosses it away. I choke back tears as she places my hands on her breasts.

                I close my eyes and let her guide my hands down to her waist. I undo her zipper and she slips off her skirt. She straddles me again and leads my hand into her panties. I can feel her wetness all over my hand but can’t find it in myself to do what she wants. She urges me on, kissing my neck and pushing on my arm. She’s pulling up my shirt, I can feel her hand trailing down, feeling my abs. She looks up at me and mouths a wow. I shrug and slip my hand out of her panties. She leans down and begins kissing my stomach, tracing circles with her tongue. I sigh and wonder if I’m really going to let this happen.

                “Dana…” I hear Andrea’s mom and almost immediately Haylee’s off of me and grabbing her clothes.

                “Sorry.” I sigh and get up to face Andrea’s mom.

                “No it’s fine, you’re an adult you can do whatever you please.” I can see the tears  in her eyes and I know she can feel my pain.

                “Did we wake you?” I look over at Haylee buttoning up her shirt.

                “No, no. I just felt like getting something to drink that’s all.” She walks over to the fridge and grabs herself a water as Haylee finishes fixing herself up.

                “I’m gonna go Dana. I’ll see you tomorrow night.” She kisses my cheek and excuses herself from Andrea’s mom.

                I watch her walk out the door and turn my attention back to Andrea’s mom. She’s drinking her water eyeing me suspiciously.

                “What?” I shove my hands in my pockets and give her an odd look.

                “You weren’t really going to sleep with her now, were you?” Her eyebrows raised and I feel ashamed.

                “I almost wanted to…just to hurt Andrea, but why would she care right?”

                “I think she would care.” She kisses my forehead and heads back up to bed.

                I sigh and settle back onto the couch to finish watching the movie. I have no idea what time it is, but I feel exhausted. I’m glad that Andrea’s mom ended up coming down and that Haylee’s gone. I can’t believe I honestly thought about going through with it, what the hell was I thinking? I could never do that to Andrea.

                I don’t know when but I drift off to sleep, and soon enough I’m dreaming about Andrea. Real life sucks, I’d rather just stay in my dreams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving

                “Dana…” I can feel someone pushing on my shoulder but I don’t want to open my eyes.

                “No baby…I’m too tired…we’ll make love later…”

                “Dana…honey get up.” I groan and open my eyes a tad, I can hardly make out the form of Andrea’s mom.

                “What happened?” I roll over and fall off the couch immediately, landing hard on the floor.

                “Dana! Are you alright?” She’s at my side helping me up before I can figure out what just happened.

                “Fine. I’m fine.” I dust myself off and sit back on the  couch.

                “You fell asleep on the couch honey. Why don’t you go up and sleep for a couple more hours?”

                “What time is it?” I run my hand through my hair, still with a confused look on my face.

                “Six.”

                “Crap I need to go for a run.” I get up quickly and start heading upstairs.

                “Dana can’t you ever take a break from your workouts?” Andrea’s mom is right behind me, she seems a bit odd today.

                “No ma’am. It clears my head.” I trade my pj’s for some shorts and a muscle shirt and grab my running shoes.

                “I can’t believe we’re down to about 4 days and you’re leaving for two years. It’s unbelievable Dana.”   I can see tears forming in her eyes but I’m not in the mood for crying.

                “I know. It’s just crazy. I don’t want to be rude but I really need to clear my head, there’s about a million emotions running throughout me and I really don’t feel like crying at this moment.” I hug her tightly and make my way out the door, grabbing my ipod on my way out.

                I do a little bit of stretching so I won’t pull a muscle, that’s the last thing I need. I stretch out really good and start at a slow jog. My ipod’s blaring just the way I like it. I drown out the world, drown out my pain. I decide to jog as long as I can before I collapse. I need to be as prepared as I can be for Iraq. It’s really a scary thought. I’ll be off fighting in a war, I could possibly get shot and die. This may sound horrible but I wonder if Andrea would cry, I wonder if she’d attend my funeral.

                I shake the horrible thoughts from my mind and pick up the pace. The fresh air is hitting my face just right, I can feel the sweat begin to slide down my face. I love this feeling. My body’s working hard, my heart’s racing, my legs are burning. I push myself more, letting myself get lost in the music. I feel like cancelling on Haylee today, but I think I hurt her enough again.

                I run for a good two hours before finally giving in and walking back to the house. Andrea’s dad is gone and her mom already has food ready for me. I run up to shower quickly so I can eat comfortably. Andrea’s mom settles in with me to eat our delicious pancakes. I’m going to miss eating good food like this while I’m over there. We don’t say much to each other. I’m not sure if I owe her any kind of explanation about last night, or if I should just confess to her that I honestly thought about letting Haylee just have me. Is it even right for me to speak that way to Andrea’s mom? It’d be odd and extremely uncomfortable for both parties involved.

                I wash dishes while Andrea’s mom heads upstairs for a nap. I’m not sure what to do with myself while I wait to go out to dinner with Haylee. I sit and stare at the t.v. for a couple of minutes before giving in and calling Karen. I haven’t seen her much and I know I need to see her before I head out. She’s my best friend after all. I call her twice before she finally answers.

                “Hello..?” She’s out of breath and I can hear giggling in the background, I can only guess what’s going on.

                “Um sorry if I’m bothering you but I thought we’d spend time together before I leave…”

                “No you didn’t bother and yeah sure when do you want to get together?” I can hear even more giggling.

                “Um tonight, let’s have dinner. I’ll pick you guys up, ok?” I’m jealous, I won’t deny it.

                “Alright. Laters.” She hangs up before I can say anything more.

                I flip through the channels and settle on the discovery channel. I’ve realized how uneventful my life has really become. I sit around and mope every day. I think about that, I think about this. It’s rare for me to go out to a club or a party. I keep rejecting invitations.

                 I settle on a boring show and try not to fall asleep. I wonder what Andrea’s doing right now. I wonder what we’d be doing right now, if life would be how it was suppose to be. I wish it was so easy to pick up the phone and just call her. I’d do anything to be able to see her right now. I wonder if Naomi’s home and what would happen if I happened to turn up at Andrea’s door. Maybe I will try to see her before I leave, at least it’ll give me a good excuse to be there.

                The time is going by so slow right now. I’m not really anxious about tonight, but I need something to do. Perhaps I need someone to be with. I’m empty. I need a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to want to live. I need Andrea. No matter what I think it always goes back to that one fact, without her I’m absolutely nothing.

                I walk around the living room trying to figure out what to do with myself so I can kill time. I head upstairs and ask Andrea’s mom to borrow the car. She hands over the keys without any questions and I head off. I’m not sure where I’m going but I’ll figure it out soon enough. I head towards the mall and decide that maybe I should do some shopping for tonight. I can at least look decent for Karen not Haylee. I’m so sure Haylee’s going to be all over me though, I’m debating whether or not to cancel on her and just go with Karen and Leila. It would be pretty messed up but honestly does it matter if I hurt her anymore? She knows I never really felt for her, and the whole time I was with her I hated it.

                I find a parking as close as I can and fix myself before getting out. I walk in with my hands in my pockets and my head down. I hope I don’t see anyone I graduated with or anything of that sort. I’m not prepared to talk about my life, there’s nothing to really say. What would I say? I’m an RN and a marine now because Andrea left me and my life fell apart. I’m leaving to Iraq in a couple of days and there’s a big chance I won’t make it back. I really must be so damn depressing.

                I walk past a bunch of stores I use to like and head towards a dressy looking store. I start looking at the button ups and choose a nice lime green one. I head over to the ties and decide on a solid black one and head towards the cashiers. The girls flirting with me the whole time she’s ringing up my purchases, I smile casually answering her questions. I’d rather pretend than to be rude to her. I say bye to her as I exit and she smiles.

                I think about going back to get her number but I am leaving in a couple of days and it’s not like I would go through with anything either way. I walk around the mall, ignoring many smiles and looks. I can see people I’ve graduated with but thankfully no one seems to recognize me. I head to get a pretzel and a soda and sit myself on a bench nearby. I remember how I’d talk with Andrea about taking her shopping and her choosing clothes for me and making me walk around carrying her bags. How did we end up how we are now? It all still seems like a really bad nightmare that I still haven’t woken up from. Four years living like this. Four damn years.

                I finish my pretzel and work on my soda, savoring it. I rarely drink it so I enjoy it every time I have one in my hands. I’m addicted to water if that’s even possible. I know I probably won’t enjoy a soda for a good while since I’ll be in Iraq for the next two years. I remind myself that there is a possibility that I won’t even be coming back. Now of course I don’t dare mention that when I’m talking to Andrea’s mom or dad. They’ll probably think I’ll do anything in my power over there to get myself killed. I won’t deny that it has crossed my mind a time or two.

                I throw my trash away and decide to walk around some more. I walk into another store and see some baby clothes and head over to have a look. I can imagine Andrea here with me saying how cute the clothes is and asking me if we can buy this and that for our babies. I spot a baby shirt that says United States Marine Corp and decide to buy two. I hope I’ve chosen the right size for Andrea’s kids. I should be saying my kids. I pay for the shirts and make my way out to the car. I don’t know if she’ll be fine with me buying these shirts but it’s worth a shot.

                I head home and wonder again about cancelling on Haylee. I’m down to a couple of days and I certainly don’t want to be spending these last couple of days in discomfort. I’d prefer to spend tonight with Karen and Leila only. I look up Haylee’s number and press the green button without thinking. It rings twice and she answers.

                “Hi baby.” I twinge and feel like yelling at her.

                “Um hi.”

                “What’s up sexy? What are you doing?”

                “I just I’m heading home. I just wanted to call and tell you that I’m not going to be able to make  it tonight. My parents just got into town and they want to spend time with me before I head out.” How easy the lies roll off my tongue.

                “Oh…well maybe we can reschedule before you take off or something…” She sounds really sad.

                “Maybe…yeah…I’ll call you up.” I’m so lying I know I won’t call and I know she knows that too.

                “Ok..well I’ll let you go. Bye.” She hangs up before I say bye back and I smile.

                I don’t enjoy hurting girls I just don’t feel like dealing with them anymore. I’m absolutely tempted to ask Andrea to go in Haylee’s place but that would be a very slim chance. It just wouldn’t happen so I’d rather not set myself up for a sure disappointment. I could try though, and perhaps use the fact as I’m leaving as a way to get her to say yes. I doubt Naomi would be alright with it though, but why do I give a f**k what that b***h has to say about anything? She took everything that belongs to me. What a best friend right?

                I park in the usual spot and get my things off the car. When I walk inside Andrea’s parents are having a conversation at the kitchen table, they call me over with big smiles on their faces.

                “Dana where have you been?” Andrea’s dad pats me on the back as his voice fills my ears.

                “The mall. Getting something new for tonight.” I show them my shirt and tie.

                “It’s very pretty Dana. I love it.” Andrea’s mom’s voice is so sweet.

                “Thank you…and I got the kids something…” I pull out the shirts for Andrea’s kids and hand them to her mom.

                “Dana…do you think she’ll take them?” Her mom looks from the shirts to me.

                “I’m not sure…. I hope she does…” Andrea’s dad forces a weak smile and excuses himself from the table, I take his seat.

                “Maybe she will, they’re just shirts after all. No harm done.” She smiles up at me as she folds them and places them back in the bag.

                “I want to go see her before I leave…”  

                “Dana…are you…are you sure?” She’s looking at me stunned, it almost looks as if she’s going to be me not to go.

                “Yes. The day before I leave I want to go see her and give her the shirts. I want to say some last things…just in case…” I look away from her pleading eyes and focus on the floor.

                “You shouldn’t think like that Dana… you will be fine…” She reaches out and grabs hold of my hand.

                “I have to take the worst possibilities into consideration.” I get up and quietly make my way upstairs with my bags in hand.

                I throw myself on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I wonder if Andrea’s thinking about me right now. I wonder if she’s wondering what I’m doing at this exact moment in time. Does she ever wake up next to Naomi and wish it was me? Does she wish it was me kissing her, holding her and making love to her? Does she ever wake up crying out for me? Does she ever miss me more than I miss her?

                I bury my head into the pillow and sigh. I want to go over there so badly. I want to see her. I want her to tell me she lied and she’s still in love with me. I want her to need me the way that I need her. I want her to cry for me. I want her to feel like she’s slowly dying, the way that I do. That’s probably horrible thing to think about. Why would I want her to be feeling this horrible pain? It’s driving me insane and for her to feel it would be the worst thing possible. I would never wish any bad on her even if these past four years have been nothing but hell for me.

                I relax and decide to take a nap. I set an alarm on my phone and let myself slip into a deep sleep. I’m not sure what it is I’m dreaming about. It’s not a memory nor is it a fantasy. I keep seeing Andrea with Naomi. I can see their lips moving but can’t hear what they’re saying and Naomi’s handing Andrea a piece of paper. I watch silently unsure of what it is I am witnessing. Andrea’s crying and almost immediately Naomi’s at her side, holding her the way I would. I can feel myself tensing up, I want to hit her so badly. I want to beat the crap out of her, I want her away from my girl. I want to know what’s wrong with Andrea, I want to hold her and assure her that everything will be fine. What the hell is written on that piece of paper that’s making her cry so much?

                I walk over to them and kneel before Andrea. She can’t see me. I call out her name but she doesn’t look up. Why can’t she hear me? Naomi looks up at me, it looks as if she’s studying my face. She smiles an evil smile and winks. Why can she see me? What’s going on? She wraps her arm around Andrea’s waist and kisses her hair. I grind my teeth and tighten my fist. I’m going to hit her, without a doubt. Naomi leans in and lifts Andrea’s face to meet hers. I stand up and get ready to swing. Naomi places a kiss on Andrea’s lips and I swing. I fall forward, through Naomi and onto the sidewalk. They continue to kiss and I do everything in my power to pull Naomi away, to hit her, but I can’t grab a hold of her. I go through her. I drop to my knees crying and screaming out, begging Andrea to see me and to stop.

                I feel someone pulling at my shirt and saying my name. It’s not Andrea that’s for sure. I finally get my eyes open and see Andrea’s mom attempting to pull me into her arms. I’m sweating  and shaking. There’s tears streaming down my face, and frankly I’m a little confused.

                “Dana honey relax. It was just a bad dream.” I’m in her lap, she’s smoothing out my hair, cradling me.

                “What happened?” My heads throbbing, I feel horrible.

                “You were having a bad dream, you started screaming out for Andrea. You’re ok now honey. Just relax.” She feels my forehead as if to check my temperature and continues to hold me close.

                “I need to see her.”

                “Not today. You have dinner plans. Maybe tomorrow.” I’m still sweating and shaking, I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

                “She gave her something. I don’t know what it was, but she was crying and then they were kissing and I was trying to hit her but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.” I’m shaking my head, shivering, my hands are balled up into fists.

                “What happened Dana? You need to relax honey, it was just a dream.” She grabs a towel and wipes my sweat away.

                “I didn’t feel like one. It felt like one of Andrea’s memories.”

                “How in the world would you be able to see one of Andrea’s memories Dana, let’s be rational.” She tilts up my chin so that our eyes meet, her eyes digging into me.

                “Soul mates…We can feel each other, we always use to…we’re soul mates I’m sure of it. I need to know what that memory was about. I need to know what happened.” I get up and start fixing myself up, I can see the tears streaks, I cried more than I thought.

                “Dana honey, that’s not possible and you know it. You need to go downstairs and relax. I’ll grab us each a wine cooler and we’ll settle in to watch a movie.” She gets up and stands behind me, her hand on my shoulder.

                “But I have to…”

                “No, downstairs, couch. Now.” She squeezes my shoulder and pushes me out the door towards the stairs.

                I try to argue with her but there’s just no point in it. I make my way down the stairs trying to watch my step. I head to the couch and take a seat obediently. I really feel like going out for a run. I just want to run until I completely collapse, and then I want to crawl, drag myself to Andrea’s doorstep and beg for her back. People must feel really sorry for me, watching me completely fall apart like this. How in the world have I managed to not be put under severe surveillance? I’m a potential risk to myself. I’m nothing but depression in human form.

                I drift away for a minute, sulking in my thoughts until I hear Andrea’s mom coming down the stairs. I sigh and turn on the t.v. and begin to scan through the channels without much care. I can hear the sound of bottles being pulled from the fridge as Andrea’s mom prepares to bring me an escape from all this pain. I’m surprised that I have not reverted back to drug usage nor to getting plastered every day. It was a sure possibility with my depression, it could start now.

                Andrea’s mom settles in next to me and hands me my drink. I take it happily and start drinking away. Andrea wouldn’t approve of me drinking. I gave it all up for her, the drugs, the drinking. What do I have to lose now? I already lost my soul mate. There’s no time for drugs anyways, I’ll be leaving soon enough to go face possible death. I’m really going to see Andrea. I’m sure the day of I’ll be trying to change my mind but I am determined to get the guts up to see her before I leave. I just hope there won’t be any problems of any sort with Naomi, unless they get Andrea back in my arms. That’s a little selfish, but she’s my soul mate.

A Few hours later….

                “Dana are you ready?” Karen’s growing impatient with every second, she acts like my girl sometimes.

                “Almost. Chill out.” I finish with my tie and check myself in the mirror again. I’m looking good.

                I grab my wallet and phone and head downstairs before Karen gets even more impatient. Leila’s smothering Karen with kisses and I can’t help but to be a little bit jealous. I look away and fix my sleeves, sighing as quietly as possible. I’m the third wheel, like always. Andrea’s mom smooths out my shirt and smiles. I smile weakly and take one last look in the mirror downstairs. Does it honestly matter if I look good or not?

                Karen starts snapping her fingers at me and I roll my eyes. I hug Andrea’s mom as Karen and Leila make their way out to the car. I follow, taking my time breathing in the fresh air. I clamber into the car as Karen starts her bitching about us being late for our reservations. I could honestly care less if we’re on time or not. I don’t want to go to a club tonight but Karen’s insisting that I have one last night out before I head out to Iraq. I’d rather not listen to her b***h me out all through dinner so I agreed to go to the club afterwards. They invited some friends and I’m afraid they’re trying to set me up with someone like Andrea’s parents tried.

                Karen b*****s the whole drive to Olive Garden about this and that. I’m extremely annoyed and I feel like smacking her upside the head but she’s driving. Leila looks back at me and smiles, I roll my eyes and we laugh angering Karen even more. Sometimes she’s a little too uptight, like she has something up her butt.  She’s definitely a big time drama queen, a little situation can turn into the end of the world with her. It’s an interesting friendship but at times I just want to smack her. I’m sure Leila feels the same but somehow she just puts up with it. It must be love.

                We pull up and Karen’s barking at me to hurry up and get off the car. I feel like a child with my parents. I wonder what she would do if I threw myself on the floor and threw a tantrum. I’m tempted to do it but I don’t particularly take interest in making a fool out of myself in public right now. I slam Karen’s door and get an ugly look from her, I smile proudly. I love to piss her off. Leila pulls me inside the restaurant and I try to make Karen laugh but she’s got that pissy look on her face and I know she’s going to b***h me out. We get seated right away and I already see three other people there. Three girls, two of them are holding hands. One girl has long brown, wavy hair and some amazing green eyes, I can see she’s really thin and blessed in her short skirt and polo. Her girlfriend, I am guessing, has jet black hair spiked up like mine and is a little on the chunky side wearing cargo shirts and a matching pink polo with her girl. Then there’s girl number three. She’s a skinny, busty, long straight brown hair, brown eyed beauty.  She looks up at me and smiles, I smile back. She reminds me of Andrea so much already. This is going to be a really rough night.

                Karen introduces me to the couple, Amy and Laura (dyke), I shake hands with them and introduce myself. Leila introduces me to Lily. She shakes my hand and giggles. She definitely reminds me so much of Andrea. Karen and Leila smile at me and I can see Karen giving me thumbs up and winks. Idiot. I hold Lily’s chair out for her and take my seat next to her. She blushes and thanks me. I smile and nod without saying anything. She’s a beautiful girl but all I keep thinking is Andrea, Andrea, Andrea. She’s already reminding me so much of her, it might just drive me crazy. Karen and Leila carry out a conversation with Amy and Laure, while I sit quietly trying not to pay much mind to Lily. She probably thinks I’m rude, which is good because then she won’t want anything with me.

                “So Dana I heard you’re a marine?” Her voice is soft, almost silky like Andrea’s, I can feel the pain beginning.

                “Yes ma’am you heard right.” I pick up the menu and begin to study it.

                “I like that. Very organized and motivated. I find that attractive.” She’s smiling at me, I can feel her eyes on me.

                “Thank you ma’am.” I sound like I’m talking to one of my officers or something, it’s part of my plan to keep her at an arms length.

                “Silly you can call me Lily. I’m flattered though. You’re very polite, very well mannered. It’s a definite turn on.” S**t my plans not working.

                “I…um…” I have no idea what to say.

                “I’m sure they set us up because they thought we would be a good match. I really want to get to know you Dana. They told me you’re leaving to Iraq, and maybe I can change your mind and if not I would be willing to wait till you get back to begin a relationship if it gets to that point.” I take a sip of my water and try to figure out a new plan.

                “No one can change my mind, trust me. The only girl who could won’t ever come back to me.”

                “Andrea?”

                “You know her?” I look at her confused.

                “Karen told me the situation and well Dana look I know you’re still very hurt and very depressed. But I think that if you can just give me a chance I can show you how to love again and help heal your broken heart. I’ll make you smile again, just give me an opportunity.” She’s looking into my eyes, I can feel her sincerity.

                “Lily look Andrea’s not just another ex. She’s not just some failed love that I’ve been hung up over. She’s the one. She’s my soul mate and I just can’t give you false hopes. I won’t ever be able to give myself to you, or love you as anything more than just a friend. I can’t give you the relationship you want, I have nothing to give it to you. I gave all of myself to Andrea. She has my heart. I have nothing I can offer you but a friendship.” I can see tears forming in her eyes and I hope she’s not one to make a big scene.

                “Dana I admire that I really do. I understand. I just pray that someday God send her back your way. She is such a lucky girl to have someone like you so devoted to her. I would love to have your friendship if anything.” She pulls me in for a hug and I hold her closely. I can feel her tears on my shoulder.

                Lily pulls away and I hand her a napkin to wipe her tears. She gladly accepts and wipes her tears carefully so not to smear her makeup. I wish Andrea was here. I wish that all the time. I can’t go a second without wishing that. Maybe I keep thinking that someday my wish will come true. I try to focus my thoughts on the menu again and scan over everything on it. I’m suddenly not really hungry, I tend to lose my appetite a lot. I sigh and decide to just get something so Karen won’t start with me. She really does make me feel like a child sometimes, it’s aggravating. Lily’s peering over my shoulder, probably pretending to read the menu while she tries to figure out what I’m thinking. The waitress takes our drink orders and I sit back trying to think of some way to get out of the club now. I want to go home and just sleep after this. Should I be honest? I want to go to Andrea’s house and just sit out there in the car, like a deranged stalker or something. What is going on with me? I’m just borderline psychotic now, I’ll probably need to be institutionalized soon if Iraqi’s don’t take care of me first.

                I pick up my fork and start messing with it, twirling it and letting it drop on the table. Karen’s shooting glances my way urging me to talk to Lily but I ignore her. I don’t have anything left to say, I said what was needed to be said and that’s it. Lily makes her way into the girls conversation and Karen shoots me dirty looks. I shrug and pull out my phone. I have like twenty unread text messages. I just tend not to care who wants to talk to me anymore, or what they want to say. I sigh and decide to look at them and clear out the inbox. Most of them are just hey how are you doing texts, some are hey I want to hook up texts and ones from Lori. Great, it must be an I love you and I want to be with you text. I open it and sigh expecting the worst.

Lori: Hey you! I want to see you before you leave so you better call me like after you finish reading this! I still don’t want you to leave but I know I can’t change your mind, which sucks!! You should just stay Dana. Please?? Well anywho I have someone that I want you to meet. So call me ok? Love you!

                I sigh and look at the green button. Do I call? It’s what she wants and I’m honestly curious about this “someone”, it means that she has possibly moved on from me. That’s definitely a good thing. I should spend tomorrow with her, give myself someone to talk to about seeing Andrea. She’s probably going to get all excited and hope we get back together. I know that won’t happen. I’m more than sure that the meeting will be extremely awkward. I press the green button and hold the phone up to my finger. It doesn’t even ring once before she answers.

                “Yay! You called!” She’s so excited as if it’s a big deal.

                “Yeah.” I’m so rude sometimes.

                “Awe Dana cheer up! I miss you!” I pout my lips and sigh.

                “I miss you too. So who’s this someone?” Tell me you’re over me is what I really want to say.

                “His names Xavier, and he’s so sweet and funny Dana. You need to meet him before you leave. Dinner and a movie tomorrow?” She went from wanting me to give her the most incredible lesbian sexing of her life to penis? I admit I’m a little jealous.

                “I’ll see you tomorrow then, I guess.” I can still feel Karen shooting looks my way but who gives a f**k.

                “Meet us at the theater by the mall around three- ish?”

                “Alright. I’ll be there.” I hang up without saying bye and toss my phone in front of me.

                Lily picks up my phone and smiles at me, I shrug her off and try to focus on something else. The waitress sets my drink down and I thank her. Everyone’s enjoying their glasses of wine and I’m sticking to my water. Lily offers me a taste but I kindly refuse. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood, but I get the feeling if I go to the club I’ll get plastered. Why not? I should enjoy myself. I’m down to what two days and then I’ll be getting ready to get on that plane and not come back. I’m not really as scared about it as I had anticipated. I’m very calm actually. The only thing I really want to do is say some last things to Andrea, just in case. I just hope she’ll give me a chance to hear me out.

                The waitress comes back and takes all our orders. She adds a little flirting after taking my order. I nod and fake a smile as she leaves her number on my hand. Lily’s eyes are burning a hole into my back and Karen starts talking loudly to break the silence. I pick up my phone and look through my contacts. I stop on Andrea’s name and wonder if it’s still the same number. I want to call her so bad and see if it’s her. I press the green button, hesitate, and put the phone to my ear.  It rings three times and I think about hanging up but there’s an answer.

                “Hello?” I can hear a baby crying in the background and a little girl giggling.

                “Andrea…?”

                “Yes? Who is this?” She’s soothing the baby.

                “I…I..uh…” If I tell her it’s me she might not give me a chance to see her before I go.

                I hang up and drop my phone on the table. Everyone looks at me and I excuse myself. I head outside to the car and pull out some cigarettes from my pocket. I light one up and take a puff. I gave up smoking but occasionally I need a cigarette to help me relax. I take another puff and look up to see Karen standing in front of me. She hands me my phone and I pocket it. She pulls the cigarette from my mouth, drops it on the floor and puts it out. I sigh and reach for another one but she takes the pack away from me.

                “What’s wrong with you Dana? You have to stop this depression s**t, I can’t take it anymore. I just want to see you happy, don’t you get that?” She tosses the pack of cigarettes away and I shove my hands in my pocket.

                “I need Andrea, you know that Karen.”

                “Damn it Dana, she’s not coming back to you! Get over it already. Grow up, live your f*****g life, and forget her!” I close my eyes and let her words sink in, stinging all the way.

                I can hear her walking away but I can’t follow her. I want to lash out at her so badly. She’ll never understand though, I don’t think anyone ever will. I kick a rock that’s close to my foot and head back to the restaurant. I walk to the table with my head down and take my seat. Everyone’s eating quietly, wondering what happened outside. Karen’s shooting glances my way, I’m guessing she’s waiting for me to hit on Lily and just go on with life. I’m happy to say that none of that will be happening.

                I eat my food slowly and quietly as everyone else begins to converse again. I guess I’m going to the club with them after all. Why not? Karen won’t take me home and I know it. I push aside my plate and wipe my mouth. Lily smiles at me and gets a spot I’ve missed. I blush and say thank you. She giggles and leans in to kiss me, but I pull away shaking my head. She sighs and grabs her purse ready to leave. I thought we made it clear that nothing, absolutely nothing was going to happen between us? Karen pulls me out of my chair and drags me behind her. People in the restaurant are staring, wondering what’s going on. Leila’s giving her the not here look but Karen doesn’t care.

                We get outside and I pull away from Karen. I head over to the car and she comes after me. She grabs me and slams me up against the side of the car and I react by swinging. I just miss her and she slams me against the car again. Leila and Lily are screaming,  Laura’s trying to split up the fight. I push Laura down and knock her on her a*s. Karen throws herself at me but I move just in time and she hits the car, I grab her and I’m about to punch her but I can’t. I hit the car and let go of Karen’s shirt. Laura’s waiting to see what’ll happen next, and Leila’s at Karen’s side shaking and crying. I’m pissed. There’s a s**t load of anger in me and I need to let it out.

                “What the f**k is your problem Dana?” Karen’s voice sounds shaky.

                “My problem? You’re the one who started your f*****g s**t.” I still have my hands in fists and I’m shaking from the anger.

                “You need to cut the crap Dana. Lily’s being nice to you and your treating her like f*****g s**t, because stupid Andrea is a dumb b***h and didn’t choose you, you treat everyone like it’s our fault. Get over yourself Dana no one gives a f**k about you and your depression anymore.” I keep my back to her as a tear slides down my cheek.

                I shake it off and start walking. I’m done. I want to leave now. I want to go say what I need to say to Andrea, say bye to Lori, and Andrea’s parents and get the hell out of here. I want on that plane to Iraq as soon as possible. I can’t stay here anymore. I’m done with all this bullshit. Leila and Lily are yelling after me but I don’t care anymore. Karen can hate me, she can just walk out of my life. As far as I’m concerned my life will be over soon anyways. I don’t need anybody, Andrea doesn’t want me, my parents don’t acknowledge the fact that I’m going to a war, and my friends think I’m sorry selfish piece of s**t. They can keep that memory of me, because I’m never coming back. I will keep re enlisting if I need to, as long as I can.  As long as it takes for my time on Earth to be up.

 

Lori & Xavier

                I pull on a polo and grab my wallet. I head downstairs and grab my phone from the kitchen table and pull on my hat. I fix it to the side just the way I like it and grab the car keys heading out the door. I start the truck and make my way out of the driveway. My last two days. I’m happy. I’ll be heading to Iraq and away from all this s**t. I had the best work out of my life this morning. I ran for almost 2 hours and lifted weights like never before. I’m ready for whatever’s coming my way now. I want to pick up my gun and run out to do my job. I’m ready to put on my uniform and be who I was trained to be.

                I drive to the mall, taking a look around. I remember all the times I’d drive around these streets, crying my eyes out wishing Andrea would come back to me. I remember the drunken nights too. I’d be walking plastered as hell, as Karen and Leila attempted to convince to get back into the car. I was always going to Andrea’s house. I’d get there and sit on her driveway. I’d just sit there and cry and talk to her, and she never came out. I’d just sit right there in the same spot and cry and talk and cry and talk till Karen would show up and drag me away.

                I shake the images from my mind and try to focus on the road. God knows there’s a bunch of idiots driving. I wonder if I ended up in the hospital who would I open my eyes to? Probably Andrea’s mom or Karen. It’s a little saddening to me that my parents won’t see me before I leave to Iraq but I suppose they don’t want to see me depressed anymore. They haven’t called once nor do I expect them too. I wonder if they’re even proud of me, I know it was a rash decision but at least I’m doing something. At least they don’t have to listen to me cry every night anymore.  They’d tell me I would scream out, begging for Andrea. I don’t doubt it. The way I wake up some nights I’m sure that they are right.

                I find a parking spot and try not to think about Andrea too much. I love her so much and I don’t know if I can continue on this way forever. Is it possible for me to ever let her go? Is there any way to stop loving your soul mate? I fix myself after I get off and lock the truck. I’d very much like to crawl into a little hole and never come back out again, just live in my own little world. Things were much simpler when I was younger. I didn’t really understand the concept of love nor did I care for it. I’m not at all saying I regret meeting Andrea or anything of that sort, I never could, but perhaps it’s turned into one of those if I knew then what I know now situations.

                I head into the mall and walk around without much care. I have no need to buy any new clothes anymore I’ll be giving it up for my uniform once again. I’ve missed wearing it to be honest.  Behind that uniform I mask my pain away, and I pretend to be a strong, powerful individual when deep down I’m simply withering away. I’m proud to be a Marine. It’s all I have left now, depending upon the events of tomorrow. I may never be back here again. I may return to the life I should have, or I may return to this s****y thing I call a life now.

                I read a text from Lori and head over to the food court. She’s so excited about this guy that I’m thinking he might not be too bad. In my head I sound somewhat jealous that Lori has gotten over me and as hard as I’m trying I can’t explain why. I see a bunch of couples walking around and feel disgusted. I remember the days I’d come roam the mall with Andrea. It was the only place we could come without her mom and dad raising suspicion about me possibly being here. We’d grab something to eat and watch a movie. Then I’d drop her off at home and we’d hope that her parents weren’t looking out the window and recognize my car.

                I can see Lori standing a couple of feet away with her arms wrapped around a guys waist. He’s her height, wearing a cap titled to the side, dressed in blue shirt in jeans. He looks decent I suppose. I make my way over smiling. Lori sees me and runs over to me jumping into my arms. Her boyfriend eyes me warily, he’s probably trying to figure out if I’m a threat. Perhaps Lori left out the part about me being hung up on Andrea and hopefully the part about us hooking up.

                I set Lori down on the floor and she pulls Xavier forward. He tries to smile as I stick my hand out to shake his. I introduce myself and he does the same. I think he’s afraid of me or he’s a really shy guy. Lori hugs me again and kisses my cheek. I can see what looks like fear rush to his eyes. I show no reaction to Lori to try and reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. He relaxes a bit but I can tell that he’s still unsure about me, which I don’t really mind. we start walking around, Lori between us, and Lori starts going off on me about leaving to Iraq.

                “I still can’t believe you’re really going to do it Dana!” She’s holding Xavier’s hand and clinging on my arm, I can tell he’s uncomfortable so I try to shake myself loose but she won’t let go.

                “It’s my job. I have to go.” I finally break free of Lori and I can see Xavier relax again.

                “Tell them you changed your mind and you don’t want to be a marine anymore!”

                “It’s not that easy. I can’t just quit like that, they won’t let me.” I shove my hands in my pockets and feel loneliness clouding around me.

                “This sucks! You just met Xavier and now we all can’t hang out for two whole years!” She looks from Xavier to me making a sad face.

                “I’m sorry. I have to do my job.” She’s planning on staying with him for the whole two years?

                “I’m just going to miss you Dana and I’m going to be worrying about you!”

                “I’ll miss you too Lori you know that. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m a marine, I’m trained to kill with my bare hands.” I take my hands out of my pockets and show them to her, she swats them away laughing, Xavier just nods.

                “Dana you just never change. You’re really impossible, but I love you.” She kisses my cheek and I can see that really bothers Xavier. He’s grinding his teeth, I’m pretty sure he wants to say something to me.

                “Me too.” I don’t want to say it back and upset the guy more, or make him think the wrong things.

                “We’ll hold off the wedding till you get back so don’t worry.” She smiles and kisses Xavier. I must be hearing s**t, marriage?

                “Um what wedding?” I slip my hands back into my pockets.

                “Me and Xavier’s silly!” She punches my arm lightly, I have no idea what to say.

                “When…what?”

                “He proposed last week! Can you believe it? I’m so lucky.” She kisses him and they stay smiling at each other, I just realize we’ve stopped walking.

                “Are…are you sure this is the right thing Lori?” F**k. Why am I opening my mouth? Why do I care?

                “Of course Dana! We love each other so much and we don’t want to ever be without each other.”

                “Well…I…what the hell Lori? One day you’re all over me, you go down to my base and ask me to f**k you and now you’re all in love with this guy and you’re going to marry him? Two weeks ago you were still all over me!” I’m shaking and I don’t know why, Xavier’s staring me down and Lori looks like she’s on the brink of tears.

                “I…I love him Dana….are you…are you jealous?”

                “No…yes…I don’t know. I’m f*****g angry. I…why does everyone else get to be with the person they love and I don’t? Why can’t I be f*****g happy? Why can’t I be f*****g married to Andrea? Why can’t I have the f*****g life I deserve?” I want to cry, the tears are there but I refuse to let them out and look weak.

                “Dana…I’m sorry…” She gets closer, going in for a hug but I cut her short.

                “That’s all I ever f*****g hear. I’m tired of hearing that, it doesn’t change s**t.” Lori’s arms drop to her sides and she’s starts crying.

                “Dana…please…”

                “Look it was nice meeting you Xavier, I’m sorry about how this turned out. Congrats to both of you, I can’t wait for the wedding. I’ll let you two enjoy the rest of the night alone. Take care and I’ll write once in a while.” I kiss Lori’s forehead and shake Xavier’s hand and make my way out of the mall without looking back.

                Lori’s calling out after me, begging me not to leave but I have to. I’m not up to being the third wheel. I have a lot of mental preparation to do before I show up at Andrea’s doorstep tomorrow. I’m nervous as f**k. I’m scared that she’ll get really pissed off or that it will escalate into a bigger thing. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or if it will set things in motion towards change but I hope that I have the strength to say all that I need to say.                

                I climb into the truck and shut the door hard. I’m feeling about a million emotions right now from anger to sadness, to hatred. It’s a very ugly feeling to be honest.  Some days I feel utterly disgusted with myself and on other days I want to run straight to Andrea, drop to my knees and beg. I’d sink to that level I’m sure of it. I pull out of the parking lot and head on “home”. I’m more than sure I will be bombarded with questions as to why I have come back so soon and what happened. I’m prepared to answer anything with a simple “I don’t really want to talk about it”.

                I drive slow so I won’t get back home too soon. Maybe I can lie about not feeling up to a movie and that’s why I came home instead. I sound like a teenager again lying to keep my secret feelings from my parents. I’m odd. As I turn on the street I can see an unfamiliar car parked outside the house. It could possibly be none of my concern or partially my concern. I park next to Andrea’s dad and lock the truck. I wonder what’s waiting for me inside, perhaps just a family member or a family friend. I’m getting my boxers  all in a bunch without any reason to worry. Why would anyone come looking for me?

                I open the door slowly and let myself in. I can hear voices in the kitchen so I shut the door as quietly as possible and make my way to the kitchen. I wonder who in the world is here. It sounds like a girl. Could it be Andrea? I’m not sure what type of car she drives.

                I see Andrea’s parents sitting at the table with Masden. She looks up immediately, smiling at me all huge. I return a wary smile and feel like running out the front door. What the hell is she doing here? We can’t be leaving early right? I mean I still have to see Andrea one last time tomorrow.

                “Loya.” She smiles even bigger and slowly gets up, I’m unsure what to make of her presence.

                “Masden…what…what are you doing here?” I slip my hands into my pocket and move closer to the table.

                “Just wanted to see how you’re doing and see if you wanted to head out to base tonight.”

                “Tonight?”

                “Yes, we can go early. Well I mean if you want to, I’m ready to head out there.” She drinks from her soda and smiles at me.

                “I’m not…I…I have some stuff I need to…how did you find me?”

                “That chick Lori, bumped into her yesterday and she told me where you were at.” I’m not sure if I should be mad right now.

                “oh.” I look down and bite on my lip.

                “I think I should head out then. I’ll see you then Loya.” She stands and makes her way to me.

                I look up warily as she fixes herself and says bye to Andrea’s parents. I watch emotionless. She comes to a stop in front of me and raises her hands in a salute, I sigh and do the same. She smiles and hugs me tightly then makes her way out the door. I watch quietly as the door closes and look back to Andrea’parents, they’re looking at me confused.

                “What?” I raise my eyebrow.

                “You’re back early.” Andrea’s dad frowns and shakes his head keeping his lips pursed.

                “I got tired,big day tomorrow.” I try to smile but I’m sure they can tell that it’s a big time fake one.

                “Well we’re going to order some pizza, why don’t you go lay down and take it easy hon. I’ll take food up to you when it gets here.” Andrea’s dad rolls his eyes as Andrea’s mom pushes me towards the stairs.

                I head up and get undressed. I stay in a muscle shirt and boxers. I’m probably not exactly decent enough for my ex’s mother but right now I’m too tired and nervous to care. I lay down and look up at the ceiling. I put my arms behind my head and sigh. It’s been a real long two weeks. I’m ready to get up out of here. I don’t think that even if tomorrow goes good that I would possible change my mind about leaving. Even if Andrea were to beg me it’s too late to go back now. It would be hell to get out.

                I can hear my phone vibrating but I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. I don’t even feel like texting. I shut my phone off and toss it to the side. I can hear the doorbell ring and the front door being opened. I sigh and roll onto my stomach, smothering my face in the pillow. I want to run out and jog around the block a couple of times. There’s a bunch of stress taking over me. I’m feeling sort of unsure about leaving now. I’m stuck between my duty and wanting desperately for fate to hand Andrea back to me tomorrow. If I really have hope that one day will change the past four years then I must be crazy.

                I hear a knock on the door and slowly turn to face Andrea’s mom. She beams down at me and hands me a plate of pizza smiling. I take it and set it down gently, returning a weak smile. I know that she knows I have a lot on my mind. I’m more than sure that she doesn’t want me to leave, but it’s the point of no return now. She takes a seat next to me and places her hand over mine.

                “I’m very sad that you’ll be leaving Dana. I’m worried. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you and I want things to be fixed. I want to see you smile, but truly smile. I want happiness for you Dana, not a gun in your hand and shots being fired at you.” She looks into my eyes, but I turn away.

                “I have to go. It’s my duty. I’ll be fine you have no need to worry. I’ve been trained. Life has gone the way it has gone and nothing can change that now, I’m just going to have to face that. I have to treat tomorrow as a sort of closure with Andrea.”

                “I will be praying for you Dana. I’ll answer every letter, and I will miss you. Please come back, uninjured and hopeful.” She squeezes my hand and I look at her.

                “I will do my best for you.” She leans over kisses my forehead and helps herself up and out of the room.

                I poke at the pizza and finally take a bite. I chew slowly not savoring the food, but being lazy to swallow. I swallow the small piece of food as if it’s something painful going down my throat. I know I’m not going to finish this food even if I try to force myself, so I grab the plate and head downstairs. I leave the plate on the countertop and grab a water from the fridge. Andrea’s mom looks at me and frowns. She knows I haven’t been eating right again. She knows how upset I’ve been.

                I mouth a goodnight and head back up to my room. It’s not even six yet and I’m getting ready to hit the sack. I pull out my laptop and turn it on for the first time in a month. I can only imagine all the e-mails I have waiting for me. I clear out my inboxes and check Myspace and Facebook. There’s a million comments, messages, and friend requests. Girl’s asking for my number and leaving theirs. Tacky, unattractive.

                I clear my websites and turn off my laptop. I use to write, I’d be on my laptop all the time, just typing away. I have nothing to write about anymore. I could pick up an old story and finish it off but knowing myself at this point I’d read through it and just end up deleting it. Many things that kept my interest four years back have slowly become meaningless to me. I’ve spent so much time working out that’s all I seem to want to do. It’s the only thing that can keep my mind from thoughts that I don’t want to have. It’s my release.

                I can’t help but stare at the wall. I want to go jogging right now, I want to lift some weights and keep going till I collapse from exhaustion. Then I just want to sleep. Sleep until tomorrow when I’m going to go see Andrea. Sleep until that moment when she opens the door and I have to keep my composure. I honestly don’t know what I will do if she just slams the door in my face, I haven’t taken that possibility into account. I’d probably just stand there, set the shirts down and leave.

                I turn onto my side and look at my uniform all nice and shiny, ironed to perfection. I don’t know why I want to wear it tomorrow when I go see Andrea, I guess I want to her see that I’m seriously leaving. I don’t think I’m believing it myself right now. It just a little over 24 hours I’ll be back on my way to base and then off to Iraq for two years. My life really isn’t suppose to be like this. We wouldn’t even be thinking about having our kids yet. We’d be just having fun together, experiencing things.

                I can feel that ugly feeling beginning in my chest and I push it away. I sigh and turn away from the uniform. I need to find something to do, something to keep my mind clear right now. I get up and change into some jeans and head downstairs. Andrea’s parents are watching a movie. I take the keys from the table along with my phone and head out without saying a word to them. It may be rude, but I have no idea where I’m going. I start up the truck and just stare at the dashboard for about two minutes. I sigh and back out of the driveway and start heading towards Karen’s house. Maybe her and Leila can keep me distracted or something.

                I cruise all the way to their apartment and listen to songs that were my favorites back in high school. High school memories escape me, except those that were mine and Andrea’s. I pull up at the apartments and lock the truck. I head up to Karen’s place and wonder if they’re even home. I knock and hope I’m not interrupting anything. Karen will throw a b***h fit. Leila answers the door and welcomes me in. I take a seat on the couch and look around at the plain apartment. One little couch, one big couch and a t.v., nice and simple. Leila offers me something to drink but I decline as she takes a seat on the big couch.

                “What are you doing here Dana?” She’s smiling at me, and it’s a little creepy.

                “Just wanted to come see what you guys were up to.” I play with my phone and don’t make eye contact, she’ll be able to tell that I’m lying.

                “You’re depressed like always. What made you start thinking about Andrea now?”

                “I’m going to go see her tomorrow.” I look down as if in shame.

                “I heard about that. Karen doesn’t think it’s a good idea for you, but I did tell her that you will do what you think is necessary.” She’s smiling at me.

                “I have to say some last things…you know…just in case.” I sigh and toss my phone to the side.

                “Dana don’t think so negative. You have to come back. Karen loves you, I love you. Karen needs you to be by her side at our wedding.”

                “I’m not negative, I’m realistic. It’s getting worse over there and I might not come back. I have to act like I’m not coming back.” I finally look up at her and I can see she wants to cry.

                “I really wish you wouldn’t have joined the marines Dana. Karen cried a lot when you left for basics, and now you’re going to Iraq. She’s not taking it well at all, none of us are.”

                “What do you guys want me to do Leila? I’m miserable. I don’t want to be here. Every damn thing in this place reminds me of what should be my life. I can’t stay here.” I start playing with my hands, I’m not sure if it’s nerves about Iraq or anger buried deep within me.

                “Maybe you should just stay here and we’ll get you a dog Dana. Or what about adopting a kid?”

                “My kids are with Andrea you know that. All of you know that but you guys cease to understand the fact that I can’t live without her; that my whole life is with her. I can’t get a dog. I’m leaving and there’s no way I can back out of it. I either come back alive or in a casket. It’s my duty.” I sit up as if I’m proud of what I’ve signed myself up for.

                “You’re coming back alive and you need to get that through your damn head Dana. You have friends here that really care about you and want you back here nice and safe. Karen would just fall apart if something happened to you.”

                “I can’t promise you guys anything. I love all of you but I can’t promise you guys that I’m coming back because some days I really just don’t want to come back.” I run a hand through my hair and avoid her eyes, I know it’s hurting her to hear me talk like this.

                “I really wish that things were different Dana, you shouldn’t have to live this way. It’s not fair.” Tears are beginning to form in her eyes.

                “Well there’s just nothing we can do about it Leila. Now I just have to do what I signed up to do. Where’s Karen?” I want to change the subject before things get too emotional.

                “She’s at work. She’ll be home in like I say 30 minutes or so. You want to go out to eat with us?”

                “Not really. I don’t have much of an appetite, I think I’m just going to see some family before I leave tomorrow. I’ve been neglecting them.” I move to get up and pick up my phone from the sofa.

                “We love you Dana, a lot. We’ll be there to watch you leave.” I smile and pull her in for a hug. She holds on to me and I can feel her tears falling on my shirt. I sigh and hold her a little tighter.

                She slowly let’s go of me as I make my way to the door. She’s crying and trying to slow her tears down. I close the door behind me and head down to my car. I feel like a jerk sometimes, making my friends cry unnecessary tears because I get crazy ideas about when I leave. I know they don’t want to hear it, but I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that my days could be numbered. Now if only they could learn to come to terms with that fact then maybe things would be easier for all of us if things do come to that. I clamber into the truck and start the engine. I sit there staring out the windshield for almost five minutes before I finally take off. I have no idea where I’m going again.

                I drive around some familiar places not stopping anywhere, just looking until I finally end up at my grandparents house. Lucky for me a good amount of my family members are present, saving me some trips around town. I park and hesitate to get off the truck as three of my younger cousins run up to meet me. I lock the truck and give them all hugs, they start asking a million questions and I just move past them and into the house. Six of my aunts and uncles are crowded around the table with my grandparents, some of my older cousins are standing around. I say hi to everyone and give them all hug. They’re all smiling up at me, studying the changes I’ve made.

                “Long time no see man!” One of my short, dark uncles grabs me in a headlock and starts messing up my hair. I push him away and pull at his mustache as everyone else watches, laughing.

                “I’ve been taking care of some stuff before I leave, been real busy.”

                “Where you going to now? Back to base?” My oldest cousin’s voice comes out of nowhere catching me off guard, he’s staring directly at me.

                “Yes…and then to Iraq.” I shift legs and look down as I fold my arms across my chest.

                “Iraq?” Everyone’s quiet, it looks like they’re going to let him interrogate me.

                “Yup. Iraq.”

                “Are you serious?”

                “Yes, why would I be joking?” I bite my lip and finally make eye contact with him. He’s staring at me trying to see if I’m lying to him. I look over his shaved head, sharp face, brown eyes, stocky body and see the resemblance.

                “You can’t go over there Dana. It’s f*****g bad over there.”

                “Well it’s my duty and that’s where I’m being sent, so I have to do my job.”

                “Dana decline it. You just can’t go.” I sigh and shove my hands in my pockets, it’s going to get ugly in here.

                “No Robert. I signed up for this. I’m going to Iraq and I’m going to do my job.”

                “F**k Dana what about us? You think we want to bury you?”

                “This isn’t about you guys damn it. I signed up, I trained to do my damn job. They’re sending me to Iraq, no ifs ands or buts about it.”

                “I can’t believe you. You’re being selfish.” I cringe and feel the anger rising in me.

                “Selfish? I’m being selfish?”

                “Dana no ones talked to you, no ones seen you and you’ve been home for like two weeks. Now you just pop in here to say your goodbye? We don’t mean s**t to you right?” I bite my tongue and try to calm myself.

                “You all know damn well that I love all of you. I’ve kept my distance for my own personal reasons and at least I had the damn courtesy to stop by and say my goodbye. No I might not come back alive, sad truth but it’s my job. I signed up for it and now I have to do it.” I kiss my grandma and grandpa goodbye and head out the door.

                No one runs after me, no one yells out to me. They just sit there quietly absorbing what just happened. I give my little cousins hugs and hand them each five dollars before getting in the truck. They run inside to show my aunts and uncles. I drive off angrier than I’ve been in a while. I speed all the way home and walk inside slamming the door. Andrea’s parents look up at me confused, I mouth a sorry and head straight upstairs. I close the door behind me and finally collapse on the bed in tears. I just let it all out. The pain, the anger, the misery seeps out onto the sheets as I cry.

                Andrea’s mom rushes in just as I had expected and pulls me into her arms. She cradles me and does her best to soothe me as I continue to cry. I hold onto her as the pain becomes intense. I know that if I don’t stop crying I might lose consciousness. I don’t really want to talk about anything to Andrea’s mom; although I know she has many questions she wants answered. I’m down to my last day tomorrow. I’m down to my last grasp of sanity.

. . .

                I wake up in a cold sweat, and look around confused. I can see that it’s still light out. I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been out for. I sit up and pick up my phone. It’s only 7:30. I sigh and get out of bed and head for the restroom. I do my business and on my way back to the room I stop by Andrea’s parents room but it’s empty. I head back to the room and spot a note on the table next to the bed.

                Dana,

                                We went out with some friends. We’ll be home late. We left you the truck in case you want to go out with friends or family. Be safe. We love you.

                I sigh and set the note back down. I really don’t want to leave now, but what will I do? Stay here with Andrea’s parents for the rest of my life and go get a job at the hospital? It sounds like a great plan but if Andrea were to find out she’d be pissed no doubt. They’re not even my parents and they’ve treated me so good. From enemies to family, it’s just amazing.

                I leave my phone charging and head downstairs. It’s dark and quiet. I turn on the tv and a lamp and settle on to the couch in the living room. I find a random movie about cops and try to pay attention. It seems nothing’s going to be able to grab a hold of my attention. I get up and grab a soda and some chips from the kitchen and just as I’m about to settle in I hear the doorbell ring. I set down everything on the coffee table and head to the door. Who could it be?

                I open the door looking back at the t.v. and finally turn to come face to face with Andrea. I stop breathing and just look at her. She waves her hand  in front of my face and I finally take a breath. I move out of the way and let her in, she has her baby with her. I take a look outside and see no one else with her and close the door.

                She sets the carrier down slowly by the couch and takes a seat. I grab her a soda and take a seat next to her. She looks at me and I smile handing her the soda. She takes it and sets it down on the table, thanking me. I nod and try to get the courage up to say something. She beats me to it.

                “I’m not happy Dana.”

                “What do you mean? You’re married and you have your two kids like you always wanted.” I look at the carrier, the baby boy is fast asleep. He’s beautiful.

                “Dana I…Naomi’s always gone.”

                “Gone where?” I think about taking her hand but change my mind.

                “Out of town, doing things for work.”

                “Wow. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

                “Don’t be. It’s not your problem.” She takes my hand in hers and I can feel butterflies surging throughout me.

                “I…I…um…I’m really happy you’re here Andrea.” She smiles at me and touches my face.

                “I am too Dana.” She slowly leans in and places a kiss on my lips. I hesitate and kiss back.

                She grabs hold of my shirt as we continue to kiss and pulls me down on top of her. I straddle her willingly as I press my lips to hers. Her hands are running through my hair as I kiss her neck, gasps escaping her lips. She pulls my hair hard as I bite down on her neck and suck on it.

                “Baby no marks, please no marks Dana.” I ease up and kiss her neck gently.

                “Come on Dana. Don’t tease me baby. Give it to me. Please baby take me.” I run my hands along her thighs as she begins to let small moans out.

                I unbutton her jeans and begin to slide them off. She’s urging me to continue biting her lip and pulling my hair. I kiss her stomach and linger on her familiar scar, from a car accident when she was young. I’d always kiss it when we made love. I kiss down her scar as I slip off her panties. I catch the scent of her and feel the love rush through me. I gently kiss her lips parting them with my tongue. She gasps and moans loudly. I look towards the baby boy but she urges me on. I continue on slipping my tongue along her lips, tasting her for the first time in four years. She gently pushes my face in, urging me not to stop.

                “Make love to me Dana.”            

                I hear a loud crash and my eyes snap open. I look around the room confused, and dazed. It was a dream, of course. A damn dream. I clean off the crumbs on my shirt and get up to throw my trash away. I change the t.v. and try to find something else to watch. That felt way too real, and it’s almost a daily thing. Every night I dream about her, my desires, what should have been, and the regret always burns in me for hours after I wake up. My soul mate is gone. Four years I have been without her and I am almost completely dead inside. The only pain I feel is the pain of being without her. I feel nothing else. I try to be happy for my friends but it’s always a fake smile and it kills me to stand before them and act as if I’m going to be fine. I know they know. They want things to be different, but they know.

                I turn off the t.v. and grab the keys from the table by the door. I know exactly where I’m going and what I’m about to do. Maybe my friends won’t understand this either but I do. I stop before the door and drop to my knees. I swiftly slip out the cross inside my shirt and hold it in my hand. I make the sign of the cross with it and kiss it. Every day, every night I’ve worn it and kept my prayers alive.

                God,

                I know that you see my pain, my misery. I know that you have done all you can my Lord and I know you love me so. I need her. I need her badly. Look at what I’ve become without her Lord. This pain is almost too much to bear now. I don’t know how much longer I can go on this way my Lord. Please if there’s any way possible send her back to me. Please Lord. I can’t live without my soul mate any longer. I know she is the only one you have shown that to me many times. And even now I feel your presence and I know you are telling me she is my one and only. I know Lord. I know. She is. It’s her. It’s always been her, it will always be her. Always. Please Lord help me. Amen.

                I make the sign of the cross and kiss it again. I slowly slip it back into my shirt and get up off my knees. I open the door and close it slowly behind me. I check my back pocket for my wallet and climb into the truck. I start it and let a tear run down my cheek. I know He heard me, and I know I am right. I have been right since the moment I spoke it. Andrea is my soul mate, my one and only. Forever.

                I drive off letting the tear dry off on its own. I didn’t bring my phone so I won’t have any distractions. I need to be with Andrea while I do what I do. Maybe not in person but definitely in spirit. I’m always feeling her. Her anger, her pain, her happiness…it’s always been that way. It will always be that way.

                I pull up to a tattoo shop and hope that they’ll take me. I lock the truck and head in. There’s two guys sitting in the back talking and laughing. I walk up to the counter and finally get their attention. One guy all tattooed and pierced comes up. He smooths out his slicked back hair and smiles at me. The other one not as tattooed and not pierced anywhere gets back to cleaning his place.

                “What’s up? What can I do for you?” He grabs a gum and pops it in his mouth offering me one, but I decline.

                “I need you to do some tattoos on me.”

                “Dude we’re about to close, but we can make you an appointment for tomorrow.” I sigh and shift in my feet.

                “Look I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m a marine. I’m going to Iraq for two years. I know it’s late and you guys got your own thing to do but I really need these tattoos.” He sighs and runs his hand over his hair.

                “I can’t do them for you. I’m sorry but I got plans and…”

                “I’ll do it.” The guy in the back comes up smiling. He pats his buddies back and moves him out of the way.

                “Thanks I appreciate it man.” He smiles and nods as his buddy grabs his stuff and heads out.

                “No problem, I’m David.” He extends his hand and I shake it.

                “Dana.”

                “Awesome. So what do you want me to do and where?” He calls me to the back and I head over there.

                “I want one on my leg and I guess two on my um…left breast bone I guess.” He laughs and I pull off my polo staying in my muscle shirt.

                “Sweet. What are the designs?” I take a seat and pull out a picture of a blue flower with the word soul mates under it.

                “I want this one on my right leg. And on my um breast bone or whatever I want two names in a nice cursive.”

                “This a sweet tattoo. Are these your first?” He takes a seat next to me.

                “No. I have a panda on my arm and a butterfly with an A on my left leg.” I show him my butterfly tattoo and then my panda.

                “Those are cool. What’s the panda stand for?”

                “Peace and wisdom. That’s what they represent in China.” He starts getting ready to write out the names on a paper.

                “Cool. So what names do you want?”

                “I want Anthony Daniel and Raylee Iris.”

                “Your kids or something?” He looks at me his eyebrow raised.

                “Something like that.” I laugh and he does too.

                “What’s the butterfly’s story with the A and all?” He starts writing out the names, I correct him on Raylee’s.

                “It’s for my soul mate. I…she’s not with me anymore, hasn’t been for the past 4 years. Ever since the day we met no matter what I did she’d always tell me she had butterflies. And we knew that no matter what they’d always be there. So I got the butterfly, and the A well for her name. she wouldn’t let me get her name but eventually settled on an A.” He’s looking at me in awe.

                “Did she pass away?”

                “No, she’s married to someone else.” He finishes up the names.

                “And you’re sure she’s the one?”

                “There’s never been a doubt in my mind.” I look at the names and nod.

                “That’s really awesome dude, I got mad respect for you. My soul mate, he passed away almost two years ago. Haven’t been with anyone else and don’t ever plan on it. He was my one and only. We were together since high school. I was 15 and he was 16 when we started dating.”

                “How’d he pass?” I pull off my muscle shirt and stay in my sports bra. We both don’t mind, it seems we’re going to have a friendship.

                “Car accident. We were suppose to meet up at our favorite restaurant late at night. He had just gotten off of work and I was there waiting. Some drunk guy hit him and bam that was it. My baby’s car rolled over and it killed him instantly. I got the call like 5 hours later from his sister. I didn’t even get to kiss him one last time, hold him, or even tell him how much I love him.”

                “That really sucks. I’m sorry.” He wipes my skin and prepares for my first tattoo.

                “It’s hard day by day. I sort of know your pain of living without yours. It’s not nice, and it’s just horrible. A tragedy man. This one’s going to hurt just so you know.” He smiles and begins on his artwork.

                “I don’t mind the pain, that’s all I feel now.” I grit my teeth as the need touches my skin.

                “So these are suppose to be your kids names I’m guessing.”

                “She still had kids with this other chick and these are their names. The names we had chosen.”

                “Wow. That’s a little harsh don’t you think?” I take the pain and try not to let weakness take over me.

                “Nope. I think that means she’s trying to tell me it’s true. We’re soul mates and she loves me. She kept our kids names.”

                “That’s true. I didn’t think of it that way.” I nod as he continues on.

                “How did you guys meet?”

                “High school also, at a football game. I saw her and that was it. I had to get her number. I had to talk to her. I didn’t know why the need was so bad.”

                “So since that day you guys started talking you knew?” He gets more ink and smiles at me.

                “Yeah…I slowly fell in love with her and finally realized why she captured me. I realized she was my soul mate. And the funny thing is when I told her we said it together at the same time.”

                “Yeah that’s kind of how it was with me and Adrian. He was the best man ever, let me tell you that.” We laugh together as he continues with my tattoo.

                “Some people think I’m crazy you know. They want me to move on and s**t.”

                “They just don’t understand. You can’t understand it until you find your soul mate. It’s one of those you gotta experience it to understand it.” I feel the pain and try not to cry out.

                “Yeah, that’s how it is. I think my friends are starting to see it now they got their own.”

                “Cool. So Iraq huh?” He finishes up Anthony’s name and smiles at me.

                “Yup. I guess I had a moment of insanity when she left so I signed up for the marines and now I’m being deployed.” I take a look at Anthony’s name and smile.

                “I understand man. Every day I have to keep myself from doing something stupid. It’s so hard dude. Like sometimes I just don’t see the point in it anymore. I just want to be with Adrian. My life has no meaning without him.”

                “I totally get you man. Every day these past 4 years have been hell, and I know it’s going to be that way for as long as I live without her.” He starts on Raylee’s name and I try not to cry out again.

                “What about the flower dude, I mean obviously the soul mates, but why a flower?”

                “She designed it. We were suppose to get it as a matching one. Hers was going to be in green though.” I watch him skillfully work on Raylee’s name.

                “Wow. Me and Adrian got matching tattoos also. It’s a dove with soul mates under it too and we each had each other’s names. It’s over my heart.”        

                “Awesome. I’d like to check that out man.”

                “Yeah sure. I don’t mind showing it off.” He laughs with me and finishes up Raylee.

                “So why’d you offer to stay and do this for me?”

                “I have nothing else to do. And I was kind of interested in you. Wanted to see why some marine dyke runs into a tattoo shop at 8 p.m. and demands to get tattoos before leaving to Iraq.”

                “You weren’t expecting me to be in almost the same boat as you huh?” I study his face and see his pain, I wonder if he can see mine.

                “I kind of knew. I could tell by your face the look in your eyes, your composure dude.”

                “So it is visible on me?”

                “Yeah… it is. But I think it’s good man. I’d be more worried if I was all happy and care free dude.”

                “Then that means it wasn’t real and we’re stupid.” He finishes Iris and wipes it down.

                “Exactly dude! But we feel the pain and we’re living life with it. Which means it’s still real and we were right.” He lets me observe the names, they’re beautifully done. A nice light cursive, not too big and not too small. Almost perfectly over my heart.

                “It’s really bad a*s dude.” I look up at the clock and can’t believe that a little over an hour has passed by now.

                “I’m surprised you didn’t cry out or anything. I was in a lot of pain when I got mine.” I shrug and he laughs.

                “I’m a tough a*s marine.” He rolls his eyes and covers my tattoo.

                “Sure buddy. Let’s see about this flower one, I gotta draw it out.”

                “I want that one in green, well the flower. Keep the letters in black.” I can hear Andrea in my mind talking about how hers would be green and mine blue.

                “No problem, whatever you want I do.” He smiles and goes backs to his sketching.

                “Thanks a lot for this man. I really appreciate it.”

                “No problem. Really it’s my honor. It’s nice to have someone to relate to for once. Other people don’t know this pain dude.”

                “I don’t know how I’m even functioning anymore.” I run a hand through my hair and look at my tattoo in the mirror.

                “I’m the same. I feel like a damn zombie or something.”

                “I don’t know what kills me more, living without her or knowing that she’s happy with someone else.”

                “It’s both dude. Both for sure.” He finishes up the sketch and shows me. I smile and he hugs me.

                “It looks badass dude.” I lay down so he can position it on my leg.

                “You sound just like him, you know that?”

                “Really? How?” I take a look at the position of the flower and nod in approval.

                “You just do. The way you talk. You remind me of him so much, I miss him.” He makes a sad faces and prepares the needle.

                “I’m sorry…I miss her. A lot.” I close my eyes as he sinks the needle into my skin.

                “You hurting?”

                “A little bit.”

                “You big baby, the ones on your chest were more painful.” He smiles and continues on.

                “They were more painful, just letting the pain show right now.”

                “Idiot. I’m thinking me and you should go grab a bite to eat after this and maybe chill at my apartment and have a few drinks. What do you say?”

                “Sounds like a plan to me.” I try not to move as the pain gets worse.

                “Don’t start being a baby on me now Dana. You took the other one like nothing.”

                “The other one’s starting to burn and this one’s hurting.” He continues with the lines and laughs to himself.

                “Take the pain marine.” I clench my teeth and try to feel Andrea.

                “I’m taking it…” I slowly start to slip away from the pain, from the tattoo shop, from David.

                I can feel his hand still steady as he works slowly, and expertly.

Author's Note

grammar and spelling suck be gentle still a work in progress.
very graphic novel.