You.

A letter I'll never send to someone who will never respond.

The first time I saw you, I had been dead drunk for years. But I'd never had a Margarita before. Mixed drinks were never my thing. But it was my birthday, and we had some extra cash. You were behind the bar. You felt like just another guy behind just another counter. We got smashed and you left work on break and took me to a shots place. I felt lame, only because I drink on my birthday for sentimental reasons, not to have fun. Being a cliché depressed drunk, I won't usually have the confidence to do something stupid. I don't like to be happy, I make too many mistakes. Well I got way too drunk, and you made me way too happy. You said you were "Asexual", but described it as just not being currently sexually active or something. I stupidly asked if I could kiss you (I kissed like 20 people that night). Of course you said no. I kissed you on the cheek anyway, lit a cigarette, and left in a Taxi. I fall in love way too easily, and even though I was scared as hell on the inside, I didn't let that show. I like people to think I'm confident. It's a substitute for the real thing.. I am not someone with a good track record in regards to relationships. Somewhere along the way, we started seeing a LOT of each other, and in the month that followed, you started having real feelings for me. Which also scared me. I mean, I had so many panic attacks... Not because I had a problem with you, but because of my own insecurities. I wish I could tell you that now. But I'm not strong enough. Maybe the feelings you felt for me weren't real. I don't know. I feel so dense. I pressured you into sleeping with me. You made me promise not to break up with you. I say a lot of stupid s**t when I'm drunk, I guess. I went a little crazy, I blacked out a little bit and told you you were the one. That the mere fact you showed any interest in me whatsoever that day, somehow was subjective to my happiness. I think it was. I want to apologize. Can I do that? Is that okay?? I am sorry. I am sorry that because of me, you feel stuck. I know you do. Jesus f*****g CHRIST, can I just SAY THAT? How can you be so f*****g polite? I wish you didn't know me, or care. I wish you didn't have to put up with me. I already told you that, didn't I? I know that's why I'll never hear from you again. You're lucky. You got away. I showed you the door, and you ran for the hills. I don't know about deservance. I guess I would if I actually deserved an awnser. I wish we hadn't fallen for each other. I'm completely and utterly incapable of picking myself back up again. There's nothing else to say....
I love you....

Reviews

[trish420]

Heartbreak city, love. Eloquence and honesty in despair. Beautiful, hauntingly so.

[Indra's Child]

I was a crazy 16 year old lol

[Hexan]

Damn. That's heartbreaking.