Headstrong, Jaded, Defeated

I was a magnet from the start 

To your voice, your charm and charisma, 

and so deeply attracted to you

You were fun, older, and seemed to take an interest and care

I was new, young, vulnerable, and naive

Your smile was the first thing I noticed

Who would have known that would be your weapon of choice?

Attention, compliments, phone calls, flirtation

& soon I was right where you wanted me

How flattering it felt for you to want me,

when so many wanted you

Sooner than later the compliments were mixed with insults

But it was always a joke, and I was being too sensitive if I got offended

Maybe together we were just the perfect storm

Narcissistic, reckless, and driven by power and control/

Raised in abuse and dysfunction, always trying to see the best 

and to care for others

You said it yourself, that soon I would see the way the world really was

you didn’t need anyone, didn’t have emotions, didn’t get attached to people

Maybe subconsciously I wanted to change you, I wanted to be the exception

But I would never bring out the best in you, instead you brought out the worst in me

Touchy-feely; tickling and wrestling

I should have known I would only be an object and a toy to you

but you were my kryptonite, and I had never wanted anything more

My type and qualities I go for went right out the window

With you I am weak; I lose

I lose my morals, my self respect, my ability to be assertive

Was it passionate or aggressive? & once you had me;

You had conquered me and I lost my appeal

That night inside your truck I was seeing stars

the alcohol on your breath, lighting up cigarettes

The setting was perfect, your words were not

you were mean, negative, and arrogant

You knew you’d seal the deal now, so no more need for effort

or your persona

I kissed your lips, now I was in too deep

I would make excuses for your behaviour

I would see you through rose-colored glasses

You promised to look out for me, you wanted a fun summer fling

you shared with me, you promised a summer filled with plans and adventure

But the manipulation began, the mind games, hot and cold, attention then ignoring

needing reassurance, needing me to feed your ego

tearing others down, contradicting yourself 

I saw the signs, I questioned myself

Why do I feel so much, so fast? Why am I falling for someone like him?

Push and pull me, and then, aggression

“just playing”, pushing the limits

trying to make me jealous, and hurting me

The first big bruise, it hurt for days

your teeth marks in my skin

my first big red flag

it was all in good fun, and “you’ll never do it again”

More games, insults, manipulation, comments that cut deep

but I was just “too sensitive”

letting you know how strongly I felt may have been my biggest mistake

no more challenge, now I was your toy

Hurting me again, ignore my text and calls,

your way or the highway, always on your terms

facilitating drama, blaming others

never admitting your faults

being able to dish it out but not take it

I was so caught up in everything; the secrecy,

your silliness, your smell of cologne

lighting up every time your name came across my screen

Being in your truck with you, feeling the speed

being reckless together, no worries in the world

It was fun until it wasn’t

Fighting, swearing, manipulation, rejection, and more bruises

I started to pull away

It was too painful

but I couldn’t say no to you,

I couldn’t ignore your calls or texts

Finally I was fed up, no more

then the sneaky pursuit began again

I tried to give you little reaction

maybe I was only fooling myself

a world of hurt

breaking me down and taking its toll

one last weekend

one last kiss

one last set of bruises

and now you’re gone

relief and consuming sadness

dreaming of you, memorizing you before you left,

checking out every white truck that goes by

my world is healthier without you

but I still crave you

I hope you stay away

because around you, I am still weak