Resiliance

Mike lost everythingk when cancer touched his family...

Journal Entry number 1

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I didn't even realize that I was feeling so lonely.  I had a wife, 3 kids whom I adore.  Kelly, our oldest is entering the sixth grade,her first year of middle school.  Our middle child, Jack, was the stereotypical middle child; not to say he was hard to get along with, it's just that he was sort of a clown and jealous of his little brother, Louis.  

Anita and I had met in a bar during our college years, and boy, we had some good times.  She could make me laugh so hard, that every time I went to take a drink, I'd wind up spitting it through my nose, or aspirating. She'd laugh at me and it became a game to her, which she always seemed to win.  She was the love of my life, and when I lost her my world changed in more ways than I ever expected.  

That was three weeks ago.  My kids are great.  At least right now they are.  They always say kids are resiliant, but I'm not a big believer of that peice of s**t theory.  Sorry, but cliche's tend to piss me off.  Anyway, things are better now, and I do really hope that there are no long term emotional issues that they will have to face; although I expect it.  

The reason I'm putting pen to paper about all of this is two fold. First, my therapist suggested it.  He called it a 'project'' to help me work my feelings out about...things.  I'm okay, so whatever, I wil give it a shot.  For my kids, not for me. 

When I lost Anita, I kinda lost myself.  Dumb, right?  I mean.  I'm a strong guy.  I've always been the one others call when they have problems. I was in the Navy and did 2 deployments so I'm not a cry baby.  No, I'm a realist.  She got sick, she sought treatment.  We did all we could, but cancer is an invitaion to the other side, to which the RSVP can't be withdrawn in most cases.  

I saw her last night.  I did.  It wasn't my imagination, even though my shrink said it was.  What the F**K does he know, anyway.  He wasn't there.  She came to me and sat with me for a good long time, and we talked about the kids, our love and how much we missed each other.  She was as real as you and I, and I hope I see her again.  

Our room is still set up the way she decorated it.  Same bedspread, same end tables, dresser, carpet, picures and I haven't moved her things out yet.  I'm too lazy, it's not because I can't or anything. It calms me to know that her things are sitll in the closetl.  I could call the Salvation Army to come and get them, but I can't do it.  

My kids are so great, they make me very proud.  They're independant, and stay busy all the time so I don't get to see them much.  In the morning before school, sometimes in the afternoon, and at bedtime.  I don't feel alone though, as long as I knwo they are ok.  They'll come to me if they need too.  

My problem is...and this is gonna sound crazy...I have been seeing things and hearing things that don't make sense to me.  Bright lights seem to follow me, and I see my long since past grand parents keep droppinb by.  They look great, and it's as though they never died.  Maybe I'm becoming sensitive to the spirit world. I really don't know.  I never belived in any of that s**t until I saw Anita.  

Journal entry number two

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Today was the same as everyday.  I really don't like writing this stuff down, but I might as well.  I guess it does make me feel a little better.  I'm sittling up in my bed wrtiing this and I can feel Anita's presence next to me.  I can always 'feel'' her.  It used to freak me out, but now I find solice in smelling her perfume, and seeing little traces of her presence. Once in a while, I see her make up drawer open, or a pair of shoes in the middle of the floor.  

Journal entry number three

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I got laid off today.  I'm so f*****g angry!  What the hel?!  I've worked at the same f*****g company for years, and today I find all my s**t in a box, and left sitting on the sofa outside my locked office, and someone elses name was on my DOOR!  I asked my boss why, and he just said 'it's a shame, we'll really miss ya Mike".  He and a co worker even toasted me before I left.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I think I leave my kids with their Aunt Janell for a while longer.  

Journal entry number four

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Well, I just had my weekly appointment with my wonderful 'Doctor'. He's a quack.  I'm done with that guy, I think he is the crazy one.  I need to face reality?  I need to move on and get on with my life?  Excuse me, but grief does not affect everyone the same way.  F**k him!  I am angry and sad and I miss her.  There, I've said it.  

I can't even remember her face.  I'm starting to forget her voice.  I am a fourty year old former Naval office and I don't need him.  I just need some time to be alone for a wile.  I'll keep writing in here though, because this does make me feel bettter.  Nobody want's to hear me go on and on about the past.  I can deal with her loss by myself.  I'm just glad the kids aren't here to see me.  

Journal entry five.

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Odd.  I'm starting to get weirded out.  That bright light I keep seeing is getting brighter, and I'm having migraines. Sitting in the dark helps, but I'm feeling weak and really out of it today.  Maybe I should call Janelle and heve her bring the kids home.  I really miss them, and school is about to start anyway.  My depreassion is getting worse, and I need someone around.  I'm sure that the voices I'm hearing are just people outside, or the TV, but I really havne't watched it.  Maybe I should go talk to the Doc again.  Anyway, the kids come home tomorrow and I can't wait to ssee them.

Journal entery six

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I'm so confused.  I am going to have to call Doctor Greene.  I mean, I'm fine, really, but it's my kids.  They came home today, thank God!  I missed them so much!  But, they are ignoring me.  I guess I've been so depressed that maybe they're upset with me. Afterall, they did just lose thiere mother and I never even called them at Janelle's.  But they are talking about Anita as if she is just in the next room.  I need to make an appointment for the four of us. Kids aren't that resiliant.  I will call him tomorrow.

Journal entry Seven

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This is my final entry.  Doctor Greene has helped me to reach an epifany.  I have to say good-bye to Anita. I can't hold on to her anymore.  I need to move on with my life.  I also have to say good-bye to my kids, although, I will always be there for them.  Cancer is a b***h, that I know.  It took Anita from me, and I now know why I keep seeing that bright light.  

It's here for me.  I am the one that has passed on, and now I am so happy.  Anita is fine!  The kids are going to be fine. They are resiliant.  

So now, I must go, but I'll be around.  I'm not going to miss them, although I know they'll miss me.  So, I guess some cliche's are true afterall.  

 Love never dies.

Reviews

[Lyndeyluu]

Sorry, this needs editing and I thought there was an edit ability, so if possible can you kick it back to me so that I can make a few changes? Thanks so much for all your help1