How Mariah Carey Achieved The Whistle Register - A Children’s Fable

A satirical (mature) children's fable of how Mariah Carey achieved her famous whistle register, set against the backdrop of pre-civilization Africa.

Long ago, in the deepest bushes of Africa, there was a small village where the villagers were very special. The villagers were special because they had the most beautiful voices. Folks and animals from the surrounding villages and bush made a habit of visiting the village on weekends, just for the great pleasure of making small conversation with the native villagers. Sometimes, on these special occasions, the locals would present the neighboring visitors with a mass concert, set against the setting sun, singing their special tribal song “Khee-shwa! Khee-shwa! Listen to our song! Our voices are our pride and legacy!” All of the people and animals who happened to hear the villagers’ heavenly song, from miles across, were instantly mesmerized and moved to pure euphoria that lasted for hours. The villagers were a proud people, each mentally cataloging the specific milk and honey that was their neighbor’s voice. Their voices were that wonderful.

All, except for little Mariah Carey.

“Listen to Mariah Carey speak! What an ugly blowjob voice!” the other children would jeer as young Mariah Carey walked past. “Her parents must be so ashamed,” the older villagers tutted when they spotted Mariah Carey collecting nuts in the market. Young Mariah Carey was very ashamed, for her mother was the village primadonna; the possessor of the loveliest voice in the world. Mariah Carey’s mother was so special that she was the only individual in the entire village to secure a solo spot during the village’s evening chorus. Even though Mariah Carey was the village pariah, her mother loved her very much and kissed her from cheek to cheek whenever little Mariah Carey began to doubt herself. “Someday, your voice will be so lovely that you will not only replace me as choir soloist, but your voice will be unsurpassed as the most beautiful voice in the history of Mother Earth.” But even Mariah Carey’s mother’s voice wasn’t angelic enough to ease young Mariah Carey’s sorrow.

Since young Mariah Carey’s voice was so ugly, the only animals that would allow young Mariah Carey to play with them were the hyenas. Mariah Carey loved her friends very much. The hyenas treated her nicely and protected her from the village children when they would throw rocks at young Mariah Carey. It was an added comfort that their voices were strikingly similar to hers. Soon, young Mariah Carey started to consider leaving her village and live with the hyenas instead. Even though young Mariah Carey wanted desperately to fit in with her village and make her mother proud, she guiltily admitted to herself that she actually felt more at home with the hyenas and their clan.

One day, as young Mariah Carey was playing by herself in the bush, a large red lion approached her. The lion’s fur was redder than the most berry-stained loincloth, but its smile was of a blinding white. The lion’s smile shone so brightly that if the lion would have grinned at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro during the darkest of nights, onlookers would have mistaken it for one of the stars in the sky. “Hello, young Mariah Carey.” The red lion said, “Why do you play by yourself here in the bush?” Mariah Carey knew instantly that the lion that had approached her was the Devil himself. “Please don’t hurt me!” young Mariah Carey yelped. “I would never think of hurting you.” The Devil said. “I have come to make you an offer. I see that you are unhappy with your situation. You are torn between living with your village and living with the hyenas. I know that you are more inclined to stay with your village.” Young Mariah Carey squawked a reply,” I do not have a voice as beautiful as the rest of the villagers. I do not belong with them. I have already decided to join the hyenas and their clan.” “Don’t speak so soon, young Mariah Carey.” The Devil said as he wagged a long, sharp claw,” What if I told you that I could give you a voice that would surpass even the pull of the Siren’s song of Greece? I will give you the whistle register. All you will have to do is give me the hyenas.” The whistle register was told in story, but not even the villagers, with their varied, beautiful voices, could reach that note. Young Mariah Carey was afraid, but she was angry. “What do you want with the hyenas?” young Mariah Carey garbled angrily. “I am going to impregnate all of the female hyenas and give birth to multiple Anti-Christs.” the Devil said, grinning even wider. Young Mariah Carey was shook by the notion of an impending Hell on Mother Earth. She also knew that Mother Earth would punish her severely for allowing it to happen. Young Mariah Carey wanted to say no, but she also remembered her mother’s voice in her ear. “Someday, your voice will be so lovely that you will not only replace me as choir soloist, but your voice will be unsurpassed as the most beautiful voice in the history of Mother Earth.” Maybe this was that day; maybe this was fate looking young Mariah Carey in the eye. The mythic whistle register was in her grasp. Young Mariah Carey hung her head in shame, closed her eyes and croaked, “I accept your offer.” When she looked back up the Devil was gone.

“It’s a miracle!” the villagers exclaimed days later. When young Mariah Carey walked out of the bush that fateful day, she had just happened to reply directions to the local sweatshop to one of the more compassionate village elders. He dropped dead on the spot. He had died of pure bliss. The rest of the village were so moved by young Mariah Carey’s new voice, added to the fact that her travesty of vocal chords were cured of their morbidity, that they had a weeklong chorus that lasted day and night. Much of Mother Earth’s children came in attendance to celebrate. Young Mariah Carey’s mother beamed as her daughter replaced her spot as the village soloist. For the final eight-count, young Mariah Carey opened her mouth and released the whistle register for the first time in the history of Mother Earth. Pangaea separated. Everyone was so mesmerized by young Mariah Carey’s voice that no one noticed, in the slightest, the disappearance of the hyenas.

One night, after young Mariah Carey’s mother had put her to bed, she heard a familiar yelp in the distance. “Help! The Devil has us captive!” Young Mariah Carey knew that it was the hyenas calling for someone to help them. She instantly remembered her deal she made with the Devil. She knew, even though the deal was sealed, that even if she had a slim fighting chance she would help her friends. They, after all, aided her in her time of need. No one else would want to help the hyenas, for they were the village jesters; nuisances, really. Young Mariah Carey grabbed a leather pouch and a rock of cocaine and headed for the voices, deep in the bush.

After a while of listening carefully for the hyenas’ cries for help, young Mariah Carey was finally able to track them down to an opening in the bush. The Devil had trapped the hyenas in a cage made of slick, reinforced glass. Beside the cage was a great pyre; inside lounged the Devil, licking his paws seductively towards the female hyenas. Young Mariah Carey knew that she didn’t have much time to act, so she quickly filled her leather pouch with monkey droppings from under the surrounding trees. When the pouch was full, Mariah Carey braced herself and swung it with all of her might at the Devil. Young Mariah Carey’s aim was true, for the pouch struck the Devil right on his head and instantly melted. As the Devil roared in agony as the molten hot feces covered his face, Mariah Carey pressed herself against the reinforced glass of the hyena cage and unleashed the whistle register. Soon, the glass of the cage cracked, and both Mariah Carey and the hyenas were able to smash their way out. Young Mariah Carey knew that the hyenas were a feisty group, and that they would most certainly want revenge on the Devil for capturing them. Mariah Carey grabbed a few hollow sticks and placed a piece of cocaine rock at the end of each one and held them while the hyenas smoked the makeshift pipes from the other end. Quickly, the hyenas fell into cocaine-induced rages and savagely flung themselves at the flailing Devil, who had made himself out of the pyre and was stumbling among the bush. By sunrise, the Devil was eaten; each bone picked clean by the hyenas.

Young Mariah Carey apologized to the hyenas. All but one promptly refused to accept her apology for betraying their friendship. The only hyena who accepted her apology was a cub named Nick Cannon. Young Mariah Carey was hurt, but she decided that it was best if she and the hyenas stayed away from each other, for she felt that she needed to work on building stronger relationships with the people of her village. As young Mariah Carey walked back to her village, Mother Earth presented herself to young Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey bowed down in respect, and the Mother Earth declared,” Because your selfishness almost brought about the end of the world I curse you by giving back your blowjob voice! However, because you had a change of heart at the last second, you may keep an ounce of your vocal ability…as well as your whistle register.” Young Mariah Carey cried her thanks for the Mother Earth was merciful. And even today, late at night, if you listen very carefully you can hear Mariah Carey sing her village song, albeit with a little variation: “Khee-shwa! Khee-shwa! Listen to my song! My voice is my pride for it is a gift from Mother Earth herself!”

And that is the story of how Mariah Carey achieved the whistle register.