One Empty Cartridge

it's so sad how passion can blind someone into rage. before they know it, they've made a mistake they can't take back.

In between your gasps of air
You cry the words that bring despair
You scream to me the song of lovers deceit
You point the gun at the one whose heart still beats
You stare at me with blazing eyes
And bury me beneath my lies
You let drip the tears of hearts true break
And the sound of racing bullet the gun does make
It tears through skin, flesh, heart
Sails through blood and rips me apart
My knees sink silently to the floor
And I let slip the words you'd hear no more
          "I still love you."

Author's Note

advice, criticism, etc... appreciated and welcomed!
~not sure if i like the title too much. tell me what you think about it.

Reviews

[Zaila]

Passion... rage. Very similar emotions. It's no wonder how one can turn into the other. What's really sad about the poem is that the one (the writer) has guilt and for what he/she (I assume "she") did. And holds love. Still with a dying breath, he/she manages to let the other know how they feel one last time. So painful it must have been for the shooter. Knowing that his/her (I assume "his" lol) wrath had ended a life that would have loved him so dearly that had just made a mistake in the heat of passion herself/himself. Anyway. An amazing poem. I'm quite the sucker for stuff like this. Love it. Heh

[Wildecat]

You can't love anyone much more than that. Quite amazing imagery came to mind as I read your poem. Nice write.

[Jason Henry]

in all honestly, i loved it until the last line. i dunno...it had to be said, but it seemed auxiliary to the poem.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

Very well written poem. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Lori]

Very gripping description. I love the viewpoint of the victim here. We feel the helplessness as all this rage comes out.

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Excellent encapsulate of the enraged blindness, caused through negative passion. The title is a 'must' because it set's the scene. And, although the poetic story is short, the longevity of remorseful regret is imaginatively captured within the text.

Brilliant write!

Phill(ozofee)

[Belator Books]

The intro wasn't needed at all, which is fantastic... for the poem speaks volumes on its own. I am not one for rhyming so much but this is very well done and fully conveys that which is was written to. Bravo.

[MandarinOranges]

very good! the rhyming works well, it doesn't seem forced at all. one suggestion... you could leave the description of the poem out or leave it till the end of the poem. it doesn't need to be there, the poem speaks for itself :) it's very powerful and speaks of a tragedy that happens far too often. excellent write!

[An owl on the moon]

Deep, dark, brilliant write, capturing the image of love and all the shadows that drift around it. Excellent piece. This could be expanded to a short story!

Craig

[Mistral Bilgera]

vivid imagery, powerful events, and sad endings... very much like you, lunasjade.
the end moved me, it has this bitter resolution that albeit tragic, is satisfactory in the narrative level. :)

keep on writing good poetry :) nice job on this one. i like that you put this narrative poem in the first person point of view.

i like the title, too. nothing to be changed :)