These Mistakes That I Have Made

i was going through some of my old work and thought i'd post this. i revised it a little but not enough to make me truly happy with the outcome. anyways it's about a girl and the mistakes she made over the course of a few years. it's really only about the

     �I�m so happy right now. I feel so bubbly. Like the bubbles are made of happiness and their spilling over the edge of me, like I can�t contain them all because it�s too much happiness to hold.� I laughed. �I know that doesn�t make any sense at all but��
     �No it does. I understand�� He lifted my chin up and looked into my eyes. ��perfectly.� He gave me a swift kiss and then pulled me close as we watched the Bay. I snuggled deeper into his coat, desperate for the warmth.
     �Wow, I can't believe its been one year since we met. It�s all gone by so fast. The great days always seem to do that. When you need them to be slow and take their time, the days flash by. But when all you wish is for the day to be over, time is the slowest.�
     �I hate that. I set days aside and plan these huge extravagant dates, hoping to get more time with you, and before I know it the day is done and I�m left feeling like I didn�t get enough time with you. It�s not fair.�
     �I agree.� I looked up at him and searched to find what he was thinking about. It wasn�t very hard, his face conveyed in a moments glance how truly happy and in love he was. Everything was perfect.






     We laid there on the couch for sometimes, our bodies meshed together and entangled with blankets. Behind us the candle on the table continued to burn amid the plates and glasses. The white banner hung over the doorway leading to the kitchen and was painted with the shadows cut by the low light. I could barely make out the 2 that was squashed in between the happy and anniversary. He brushed the hair out of my face and kissed the space below my ear. I smiled and breathed a low chain of giggles. �God, this is amazing. Everything is just so unbelievably great and�� I kissed his neck. ��perfect and�� I kissed his cheek. ��amazing.� I kissed his lips.
     He laughed. �Glad you like it. I wanted to make this extra special for you especially considering everything you�ve had to go through lately.�
     �I can tell, you cooked and everything.� I said amazed. �Thanks, it means a lot to me.� I laid my head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. For a while I laid there thinking about the past few months. I thought about my dad leaving my mom, my sister�s bulimia exposed, my uncle dying of brain cancer. Everything just came rushing at me so fast; I still hadn�t taken the time to work through it all. I was piled high with lists of things to do, people to see, arrangements to make, schedules to coordinate. I barely had time to see Jake anymore; to plan a simple date seemed to take so much planning. To make things worse, my grades had taken a hit and I was struggling to catch up.
     Life seemed so perfect in his arms, but I knew the peace was only temporary. Once I left his house, my responsibilities would scramble for my attention and I would quiver underneath their pressure.



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     �Jake I�m trying the best I can but you know how much I have going on right now.� I said, desperate to get through to him.
     �You�re so busy, every second of everyday that you don�t have time to see me or hell, call me at least once? I find that hard to believe, you have plenty of time you�re just off partying somewhere with that guy and those friends of yours.�
     �That�s not all I�m doing and you know it. I�ve got school and my mom to take care of and my sister to watch over. I need an escape every now and then, what�s wrong with that?�
     He looked at me as if I had just punched him in the face. �So that guy is your escape? Because I�m getting the impression that you feel I can�t be?
     �No! That�s not it all. God Jake, I just...� I sighed and leaned against the counter. My face in my hands, I said, �I just like being around him. I don�t know why, I just do.� I looked up at him and saw the damage that I had caused. I quickly looked away.
     �I see,� He paused for a moment. �So the last three years have meant nothing to you?�
     �No! That�s-� I tried to protest but he held his hand up and turned away from me.
     �It�s fine. I don�t need to hear another lie. I can see things very clearly now.� He walked towards the door and stepped out into the pouring rain, slamming it behind him.
     I stood there for a moment in disbelief on the events that had just enfolded themselves before me. I was so stunned. When I had called him over tonight, I had done it with the intentions of patching things up between us and setting the record straight. Not in all my predictions for how tonight would go did I image this happening. It�s not what I wanted at all. I quickly contemplated what I should do; the thought of losing him, of never being with him again, and of never seeing him again drove me into the rain. �Jake!� I called, frantically searching through the downpour for his car. �Jake!� I saw a dark shape across the street and someone get inside it. I ran across the sodden lawn and stopped when I came near to the car.
     I squinted my eyes to make out the person inside when the window rolled down and Jake called from inside, �Anna, get inside!�
     �Jake, you can�t drive in this weather! It�s too dangerous, come inside and you can wait out the storm! Please?!� I begged him. I really didn�t want to open up the paper tomorrow morning to see his picture spread across the front with the headline �Local Reporter Killed in Car Accident� looming over his face. He looked out the window and stared at the wet windshield for a minute. �Jake come on! This is ridiculous, you cannot drive in this.� ��������
     Rain was sleeking my skin and my arms felt frozen but I waited patiently for his answer. �Fine,� he said after another moment. �But only until the storm is over and then I�m gone.�
     �Alright. That�s okay.� I said. Grateful that he was staying and also that I was being given more time to talk with him.
     �Hold on a second, I�ve got an umbrella in here somewhere.� He rolled up the window and the interior light when on.
     I had been standing there for only a few seconds when I heard a loud screeching noise. I turned and was blinded by two yellow lights. I felt the impact as the cold car ran into me and lifted me off the ground and over the hood. I rolled to the ground and my head hit the pavement.

     I woke up to a blazing white room, the light harsh and defiant against my weak eyes. I looked around and saw that I was in a hospital, the walls white and average held no comfort to me. There were no paintings or pictures in the room, just a table, a few chairs and a vase of flowers on the table beside the bed. I reached over to smell them when someone lightly squeezed my hand. I turned and saw that Jake was seated in a chair beside the bed. One hand still holding mine; he reached up with the other to brush the back of his hand across my cheek. His warm touch sent dormant flutters to my stomach. �I�m glad to see that you�re awake,� he said to me in a soft, loving voice. �I�ve been worried to death about you.�
     �What happened? I don�t remember how I got here.� Everything was blurry or fuzzy in some sort of way; I couldn�t clearly see the past as of yet.
     �You were hit by a car.� his voice suddenly switched from soft and loving to grave and dark, absorbing all the qualities of an endearing man depraved to the deepest fissures of his heart. He saw the alarmed look in my eyes and said, �But don�t worry. The doctor said you have a few lacerations on your heart but they should heal eventually. He said you�ll be really sore for a few weeks but you should be able to make a full recovery. The only thing serious is the broken tibia in your leg.� He looked at me with those naturally talkative eyes of his and I could see that they were utterly silent today, and had been for a while.
     �Is something the matter?� I asked. �Besides your girlfriend getting hit by a car that is, is there anything else wrong?� I saw the way his face reacted when I said girlfriend and I wondered why he did that.
     �No, nothing is wrong. I�m just glad you woke up, it�s been pretty scary.� He said, trying his best not to give away his emotions.
     �Why, how long have I been out?� I asked, starting to panic.
     �About 2 weeks.� He said calmly
     �Really? It doesn�t even feel like I�ve been asleep for a day let alone 2 weeks.�
     �I guess you hit your head pretty hard on the pavement, you�ve been unconscious ever since the accident.� He paused; his eyes clean and cold; they held no warmth in their coffee hue. �Listen, this is medical stuff, big words and confusing abbreviations that I don�t understand. You want me to go get the doctor so he can explain it to you?� He said making a move to get up from the chair.
     �No! I just was a little taken aback that�s all.� I paused and watched Jake whose eyes had drifted to the ground, probably searching for something to say. �So�unconscious?� I said trying to snap him out of his reverie. �That�s like a deep sleep, right?�
     �I guess.�
     �Did I say anything? Or�oh god, did I drool? Cause I�ve watched ER a few times and even when people are unconscious, they still look pretty. I�d hate to be the one that drooled like a dog and had huge bags under her eyes and just looked like a total freak.�
     Keeping his eyes on the ground he said, �No, you didn�t drool. And even if you had looked terrible, which you didn�t, you were hit by a car so it would understandable.�
     �I guess you�re right.� I said in an impassive tone, my mind was suddenly transfixed on Jake. He wasn�t usually so distant from me, so what was going on? He leaned back and still holding my hand, stared at the wall. He lightly squeezed my hand from time to time but for a while we didn�t say anything else to each other.
     �Anna,� He said abruptly after an hour had passed. �We�re not together anymore. You don�t remember but we broke up right before your accident.�
     �Uh�I don�t think so,� I struggled against the curtain that hung between what I knew and what I had forgotten but I couldn�t seem to pull it back. �I mean everything is still a little hazy but I don�t think we did.� I said skeptically.
     �We did. And then I left and you had come out to my car to ask me to wait until after the storm to leave, and then the car hit you. The doctor said you would suffer from mild amnesia, that most likely the last few minutes or hours leading up to the accident would be forgotten to you. So�I just thought you should know.� He got up and turned around. My hand slipped from his and fell limply to the bed. I tried to say something but words became jumbled in my mouth. �I�m sorry to do this to you after what has happened but I don�t feel it would be best to lead you on and then tell you later that it�s already over between us. Wouldn�t be fair I guess.� He looked back at me and for a quick moment I saw a flash of desire in his eyes. But it was gone practically instantaneously; he grabbed his coat from the hook by the door and left, the door quietly closing between us.






     A year had passed since that day in the hospital and looking back on it I wished I had said something to stop him. I remember crying in frustration and sadness at the life that I had made for myself. I had treated him poorly and he deserved so much better, I knew that now. And lying in his arms, feeling his breathe on my face, I was glad he had given me a second chance. He made me so happy that it was barely containable. �I love you.� He whispered into my ear, his breathe hot with excitement.
     �I love you too.� I said into his shirt. What bothered me was how the words never flowed out with ease and truth they way I imagined they would. I felt like I had to force myself to be in love with him. Lately my old friend that I had often gone to the club downtown with before my accident had been calling me and asking if I wanted to go out sometime. I had been turning him down for weeks, telling him that I was already seeing someone but he persisted.
     The fourth time he called me he said, �Hi Anna, its Ryan. Listen I got a job offer in California and I�m thinking about taking it. The pay is about the same but I think a change in location might be nice. Consider this my last ditch effort for I don�t want to go away until everything is clear between us. I keep thinking about you, wondering what you�re doing, what you�re wearing, missing the moments we had together. And I know there�s something between us, I can feel it and I know you can too or else you would have done something to keep me from calling.� He paused for a second, as if gathering his thoughts and then said, �I won�t go if you don�t want me to. I just need to know what you think I should do.�
     I had paused. This could be very good for him, a change in scenery and a chance to start over and meet new people. But then I�d never see him again, and even though I hated to admit it, I really missed him. There were times that I thought about him too, when I heard a song that we danced to on the radio or when I was shopping for new clothes. I knew that by asking him to stay I�d be pursuing something that I shouldn�t be perusing considering how I was dating Jake, but I really liked him and I didn�t want to say goodbye just yet.
     �Anna?� Ryan asked.
     �Don�t go.� I said.






     "The way she feels for me is not a lie!� he screamed. He whipped his head around and his brown eyes bore into mine. �Is it Anna?� He looked at me and silently begged for me to say no, his body tight with anxiety, waited impatiently for me to answer. I just stood there dumbfounded and unable to respond, my mouth hung open and my eyes wide with shock. Ryan stood across the room, challenging Jake to just admit that I wasn�t his girl anymore. He looked at me and a smile lit up across his face. I looked away from him. �Anna?� Jake asked me, desperation clinging to every syllable. �It�s not a lie right?� I hated how hard it was to say no and I struggled again and again to say it but I just couldn't. His face slackened and their lines suddenly relaxed, he looked away from me and down at the ground. �Oh,� he whispered, turning away from me. His posture slouched and his face fell into his hands. He looked so defeated.
     Ryan walked over to me and slid his arm around my waist. �You see,� he said to Jake whose back still faced us. �You�re nothing to her anymore. You�re just another somebody, worthless and soon to be forgotten.� The way Ryan said this scared me, he acted as if he was triumphant in some way, like he was the victorious, Jake was the loser, and I�the trophy. I pushed away from him.
     �How can you act that way to him? That�s so freaking crude.�
     �Why should I care? I don�t have to share you anymore." He walked towards me with determination and dominance in his stride. His passionately hungry eyes that craved the flesh and sheets, eyed me with brutal ignorance.
     �I can�t believe you just said that.� I said, disapproval clenching at my tone. I looked to see Jake but found that he had left. The wind blew against the small, white house and the windows shook. Snow was whipping past the window in sheets of ice. This was only the beginning of the storm; it still had a lot more of its vitality to use. And Jake went into that? �Oh my God� I whispered.





     That day at the house was unforgettable in many ways. That was the day when my relationship with Jake deteriorated forever. He never talked to me after that, he never even stopped by to get his stuff. Also that was the day that I realized I wasn�t anybody truly special to Ryan, I was just someone he could say to his friends that he conquered. But what irritated me the most was that I had given up my only chance at a real relationship, for someone I thought at the time could give me better. Jake really loved me and I hadn�t even allowed myself to take the time to examine what I felt. If I had, maybe I could have tried to make it work with him. Who knows, maybe I could have learned to love him the way he loved me. But I chose Ryan and everyday I wish I could go back to change that.
     Two weeks after what happened at the house, Jake vanished. The police looked everywhere for him and a full scale investigation was launched to find him, but no one ever recovered any information of his whereabouts. One year later, I can look back on that night when I chose Ryan and safely say I killed Jake. While no information was ever found to suggest that Jake was dead, I�ve had this feeling in my stomach for the past few months that he is. He may not be lying in a ditch or shot in the subway, but somewhere he�s dead. And I just can�t forgive myself for that.
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Author's Note

i appreciate and welcome any criticism and advice/suggestions

Reviews

[jmt8921]

Wow. That was really sad. It's a touching story. I just wish I knew more about the narrator. Exactly how does she feel about Jake, what does Ryan have that Jake doesn't? Why is she willing to throw her relationship with Jake away for Ryan. Does she feel guilty throughout, or only towards the end?
Watch out for the use of unnecessary words. You should only use as many as is necessary to get your point across. There's a bit of rambling in some of the more powerful scenes, and I think if you cut them down to the most important details it would have a bigger effect on the reader.

[i wish to win you with ..]

wow!... that was amazing... i nearly cried to be honest... great now i have to go to bed sad lol thanks! jk... but yeah thats was absolutly amazing... loved it!