sleep away the pain

its a story about how a wife is trying to get the pain of her husband dieing away. this is a story i did for school a year ago.

my love has left me.

he died from a heart attack.

his last words to me were,

'always remember i am your love and i'm your only one,'

and then he died.

i will always remember hin in my memories,

but it's hard to sleep away the pain.

Reviews

[Sonya]

lovely, a few errors, but it's to the point.

[A]

So sad. It's short and simple. Gets straight to the point. Even though it is sad, the story is really good! Great writing! :)

[M.A. Hughes]

Let me say, "welcome!". I hope that you find useful reviews for your writing and enjoy the community that is here!

I would agree with the other reviewer, Steely, in the sense that the wording seems a little straightforward. If you're going for a more emotive response from the reader, I would either add a few more lines or make the sentences more descriptive (ex. how does the wife feel? does his last words haunt her?).

Keep up the good work and welcome to Writer's Cafe!

[Steely]

There are some errors, but it's very good. I think it could be a little less blunt in words, though :-) For example,

His passing from failed heart
The last words of his sweet mouth
Were 'always remember I love you,'
And then he drifted away

Not that it's bad. You're doing an awesome job for a new member :-)

Keep on writing!

- Steely

[Ama May Cooper]

so simple. so few words . but so meaningful