Toxic Lullaby

this is a poem me and taratara wrote together!

Toxic Lullaby

 

The desolate path we walk in our sleep

Listen to the screaming souls in their keep

 

Night air so cold it freezes our hearts

Hoping they will never be torn apart

 

Their faces so porcelain they seem rather fake

If we shall wake our souls they will take

 

Painfully warped with deep calloused skin

They know nothing but of our sin

 

To the goodness of man they are blind

They know nothing of their wasted time

 

Seeking out nothing but purely tainted souls

Sewn to their seams with thread

 

While breaking a true mold

The experiment waits to unfold

 

It is a truth that shall never be told

Even when time grows old

 

Forces of darkness are bound to their eyes

Even the skies will bend to their lies.

 

Deep as a puddle and soft as a rock,

Their minds are a puzzle we've yet to unlock.

 

Author's Note

we both wrote the same amount and this is our first co-write so tell me what you think!

Reviews

[lawrence bear]

another great write, love it. great collaboration

[loverly9316]

wow this is really great . . . . i loved the last stanza. . . gave me an eerie feeling . . . great

[Ellary™]

That was amazing!
I love the picture as well, makes me feel very...scared. Which is a good thing, being scared is one of my favorite feelings.

[DeathByChoice]

This was incredible! The words were chosen perfectly and created a dark and eerie image in my head. Although, the 6th stanza seems... a little out of place to me. The 3 lines with a poor rhyme kind of clash with the rest, although I know it's hard to come up with rhymes for certain pieces of a poem, like your 6th stanza. But still an amazing poem, even if it is shared!

[Allison]

Oh dear Goddess..
That was amazing! I loved it! :)
I reallllly liked the last stanza. The irony of 'soft as a rock' was really nice, added a bit of bitterness, I guess you could say, to it. Really nice.
But I am also confused on the random three line stanza. It almost throws off the flow and rhyming scheme of the poem.
Other than that, it was really nice. Beautiful :)

[Subjective Sanity]

Love it! My favorite part:

"Deep as a puddle and soft as a rock,
their mind's are a puzzle we've yet to unlock."

[The Perfectionist]

Rachel said it all. Well, not quite all of it. You two need to work on your rhythm. This poem had rhyme yes, but no rhythm to speak of whatsoever. Reading it flat was the only way, but that made rhyming pointless and trivial. You need to make sure you can actually flow from one line to the next, not just end on the same sound.

Also, what the hell is with the extra line just thrown in there mid-way?

Rach was generous with 9.3, you won't get that from me. This needs a re-evaluation of the form, big time.

[Rachel U.]

I am vehemently against shared poems because they don't allow the author's feelings to truly come through, but this isn't bad.

You very much need a couple commas in your couplets, because I had to reread a couple of them to actually understand them.

Interesting poem - simple rhyme and decent rhythm.
The last part should be *minds, not *mind's.

9.3/10

[Tina Kline]

This is a very dark and chilling write! Scary and spooky! Great collaboration!

You shared a poem?