Rachel in Colorland the Short Story(beginning)

Rachel gets dumped in a new and strange world, what will happen?

 

 She pocked and prodded at the locket she had bought earlier that day. She had bought it from a flea market on the other side of town. She hadn’t planned on wasting her money on an old locket but something about it called to her. The strange old vendor has refused to sell it claiming that there was a spell on it. But Rachel was stubborn and persuaded the man to give it up. He finally sold it but made Rachel promise not to open it. To bad that she never listened.

 

She had almost gave up on opening the locket as she stared at it in the palm of her hand tracing the odd design with her finger. Then when she was about to put it away in her jewelry box she closed her eyes and willed it to open, and to her surprise almost like magic it silently popped open in the palm of her hand.

 

            She looked closer to see what she thought would be a picture or something in the locket. Instead to her surprise it was a folded up piece of paper that looked so old she thought maybe it would fall apart. She carefully unfolded the small piece of paper to see what it said. The writing was faded but legible so she slowly read the words aloud.

 

Rachel murmured, “To the lands of color bring… me if I am she… of royal blood.” Rachel was confused by what the piece of paper said but as she was rereading it to make sure she had read it right it began to get warm.

Then the whole locket was giving off a warm pinkish light and it seconds it filled her room. She had no idea what was going on and the next thing she new everything went black. She slowly woke up from wet chill of snow.

 

 “Where am I, and why does my head hurt?” Rachel thought. When her vision cleared she realized she was sitting on a hill covered in bright magenta snow. But the even stranger part was only the hill was covered in snow.

 

            She quickly stood up startled by her surroundings and looked for somewhere dry and warm for her to sit and try to figure out where she was. After a little walking she found a boulder that resembled a chair and sat down. Her brain was finely completely clear and she realized something. She was no longer wearing her favorite jeans and a tee shirt but now she was wearing a heavy white medieval dress with a beautiful silver bodice.

 

            “What has happened to me?” Rachel thought out loud. She quickly ran to a puddle a few feet away to check her appearance. The first thing she noticed was her striking turquoise eyes they have always been pretty but somehow, maybe the dress, but today they were almost inhuman. Her normally long brown hair seemed even longer and around her pale neck was the locket.

 

            Then it all came back to her the fleas market, the locket, and even the strange pink light. Her only thought was that she must be dreaming because she no longer believed in fairy tales or magic and those were the only other possibilities that she could think of. She spent the next five minutes trying to wake herself. But after pinching herself a hundred times and slapping herself she gave up.

 

            Now she thought her only option was to play along in this supposed dream so she stared to walk down a purple dirt road close to the magenta snow covered hill. As she walked in her heavy dress she took in her very strange and colorful surroundings. The sky was still blue but darker, the grass was lime green and those were the most normal things she could find. She came across rabbits that were yellow and deer that were indigo she was truly freaked out now.

 

            "What kind of place is this, with pink snow and rainbow animals?" Rachel screamed in her head.

 

            Then she started to think what the people here might look like and her brain began to wonder. As her brain dreamed of crazy rainbow people she almost found her self believing that this world is in fact not a dream. But such a though scared her to much for her to believe it real so she focused on walking the dirt road faster.

 

            Finely she came to a fork in the road and there was a sign. It said that left went to the Kingdom and right went to the Forest of Darkness. She decided to go left because the Forest of Darkness didn’t sound so promising.

 

After some time she got tired and found a resting place on a log under a nice shady red tree. Once she sat down she almost immediately fell asleep. Not long later she awoke suddenly to find a girl about her age with pink hair and honey brown eyes right in front of her face staring at her. Rachel screamed and fell backwards off the log.

 

 The girl quickly helped Rachel to her feet and then said, “Hello, my name is Janeta of the Silver valley, who are you?”

 

 Rachel surprised to find that the girl is almost completely normal, except for the pink hair finely said, “I’m Rachel, where am I?”

 

 Confused by Rachel’s reply Janeta gave her a strange look and said, “Why, you’re on the road to the Kingdom of Color, the main kingdom in the Colorlands, of course!” Shocked by what Janeta had said Rachel began to cry.

 

            “I’ll never see my home again; I’m in a world that makes no sense!” Rachel thought. “I want to go home!” Rachel cried. Not sure of what to do Janeta quickly comforted Rachel asking her where her home was. When Rachel didn’t reply Janeta told her that she thought that Rachel was part of the royal family because of her eyes and her beautiful locket that had the royal crest on it. When Janeta saw that Rachel had no idea of what she was talking about she explained further.

 

 “Well, all the members of the royal family have turquoise eyes, they always have. The pattern on the front of the locket is the royal crest, everyone knows that.” Janeta said.

 

            “I’m not from here.” said Rachel. Then after she was done crying she told Janeta everything that had happened to her. Janeta had a hard time believing it but she still promised to help Rachel find her way back home.

 

            After a short time they arrived in the kingdom. Rachel was amazed to see all the colors; she truly knew why they called it the Colorlands. All the people had colorful hair and eyes that were truly unique. She even liked the market were people traded goods and children played and equally colorful animals roamed.

But the most beautiful thing she saw had to be the castle. It was huge with giant white bricks and towers that were so high they passed through the clouds. She wondered if such a thing could really exist.

 

            When they entered the castle Rachel thought she would get a headache it was so colorful it was like looking into a kaleidoscope. As a guard led them to the king also mistaking Rachel for royalty she wondered if she would ever get to see her friends and family again. When they finely stopped walking and entered a room with a giant door Rachel started to get the weirdest feeling of unease. In the room sat the king on his throne.

 

The king like many things in this place was beautiful; he had hair as black as night and eyes that mirrored her own. But his turquoise eyes were cold and lifeless, and that made her wonder if this was truly the happy place that she saw. After Janeta explained Rachel’s situation to the king he began to smile. The smile chilled her to the bone and in that instant Rachel knew that she couldn’t trust him.

 

            Then at last he spoke, “I have been expecting you.” Startled by what he had said Rachel stepped back. “Well, well, well, I have heard of your coming my whole life, little princess.” he said. Not understanding him Rachel just stared. “So you are the girl from the prophecies? Well I thought you would be taller.” he said mockingly. Then with out any warning he called upon the guards to take her away to the dungeon. As the guards dragged her to the dungeon Rachel tried to break free but it was no use she was so frightened. She didn’t even know what she had done to deserve this.

 

            Tears rolled down her cheeks as her back hit the cold, damp dungeon floor. The dungeon was only a small room with no windows and only straw for a bed. She rolled over and curled into a ball, she had lost all hope of ever returning home. When nightfall came she was not only hungry but sore from the brutal treatment of the guards. She still had no idea what the crazy king was talking about or what she had done to deserve this. Her only thoughts were of freedom, because she knew if she spent much longer down here she would go mad.

 

 Finally she heard someone coming; she couldn’t make out anything though in the dim light. The person was carrying a candle and as they approached Rachel saw that it was a guy about her age carrying bread. He had the same black hair as the king but his eyes were violet and not nearly as cold as the king’s.

 

            She wondered if someone was finely going to give her food but before she could ask he spoke, “I am Darian; I know you are confused but I’m here to get you out of here. Here eat this while I explain what is going on.” He gave her the bread and told her a tale about a girl from another world that is of royal blood. “She would come into the land when the turquoise eyed rulers were at their last king. Which happens to be now because the king is last in the line of pure blooded royals and has no heir. So she is supposed to be the real heir to the thrown and save the royal blood line from extinction. Also she is supposed to carry a magical locket that could decide the fate of the Colorlands.” he said then looked at the locket around Rachel’s neck.

 

 When Rachel got that he meant her she quickly explained, “Wait…you can’t mean me! You have the wrong girl; I just want to get home!”

 

 Understanding he said, “And I want to get you home, even if you are the girl from the prophecy. I won’t let my brother force you into marring him just to secure his place as king.”

 

 “Wait, your brother?” she questioned.

 

 “Sorry I forgot to tell you I am the king’s half brother and as you can see I am not a pure blooded royal so I can’t claim the throne.” he confirmed.

 

 Then shortly after that he quickly rushed her out of the dungeon and gave her a key. He said that the key when put in a door would transport you where ever you want to go. He also warned her to take the key with her when she left or someone could follow her. Then he left because he didn’t want his brother getting suspicious.

 

 Rachel was so happy she was going home but felt bad for leaving Darian to suffer his brother’s rule. As she entered the key in an old door in the corridor of the dungeon she heard someone running towards her. She saw that it was one of the king’s guards so she quickly went into the door wishing to return home.

 

                                ***

 

 She woke up to the sound of knocking on her bedroom door. She felt so relived that all of that must have been a dream. Her mom told her she had a visitor waiting in the living room. She quickly put on her shoes and dashed to the living room hoping to see a familiar face. The man was indeed familiar but the last person she wanted to see.

 

 As she stood there frozen in shock he said, “Little princess, you were in a hurry and forgot your key.”

 

Author's Note

this was just a short story but i now want to make more so it is going to be a bookish thing^^ enjoy and review

Reviews

I'll edit it if you do more with it.

[The Perfectionist]

I generally try to not have any expectations going into a review, but even so after reading this, I feel rather disappointed. Realizing you are 14, this still feels like it was written by (and for) someone half that age. I feel like I should be reading this one line at a time with a giant picture on the opposite page.

Of course, before it could be a children's book, it would have to be cleaned up. Your spelling and grammar errors are too numerous to list, but even they disappear underneath the sheer crushing weight of how childish this feels. Your sentences are blunt and repetitive, your word choices are one step above infantile, and Rachel acts and talks like a toddler. Even your attempt at suspense near the end just comes across as annoying. I'm going to read chapter one, but I don't have high hopes.

[J. C. Koch]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really know what to say beyond that, this was on another level