Far Beyond

I need a poem, so I closed my eyes, pressed a random key and got k. So, here's what came from it...

“k”

I said

and that was all

back in the fall,

when the leaves were gold

and the winter foretold

crept in that night

blowing winds of white

and howls of fright.

My phone buzzed again

but I ignored it, and when

it rang a second time

I turned it off

and listened instead to the chime

of the old grandfather clock

striking twelve

and as it did, you closed your eyes

and delved

that sharp knife

into your heart

Why didn't I help?

Why didn't I respond?

I wish I had

Now that you are far beyond.

Author's Note

reviews please! Suggestions on how to make it better?

Reviews

[VannahBanana]

I... like the honesty. Because, honestly, do you ever, ever, ever see a Stephanie Meyer talk about what happened on a cell phone, and yet our entire planet is revolved around cell phones?
No.
Maybe... go through it and add a beat.
Like you did in the last line.
The first part flew at me really fast and bitterly.
Maybe give it more time to hit somebody that hard.
I like the idea of what you said.
Maybe it could be an introduction to a story? It sounds good either way.
Good job Sophie.

[Virtuosa X]

I really like this. How it sounded bitter & apologetic all at once. It just keeps you hanging 'cause I never saw that last line coming.

Great job!

[MandaBear]

Great job. I really liked how you made it sound like you could have cared less about the person on the cell phone but the more you thought about it you wish you had talked to them. Very cool. I liked the idea very creative.

[Owlgirl]

Wow, great job, very well written. The emotion, the fear, the wish, it's all wrapped up in it. Great job!

[Coyote Poetry]

I like the flow of thoughts and the surprise ending. Phones calls can make us want to talk or escape the phone. I like the description and the questions at the end. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Wild Willow Blue]

This is very well written. I might have to try that little trick. I just did a collaboration with DatVirgo called Alone in an Emotional Crowd, but I am having a bit of a block. I love the way you write, it just pulls me in. Great job.

[shawlyn]

Hi Sophie,
I like how you have used rhyming verse to physically set the visual image of the scene. Then a switch to free verse for the next visual surrounding the action leading up to the heart of the matter and finally back to rhyming for the emotional outcry at the end. It has a story like quality. Good work. It all comes together as a whole.
Regards
Shawlyn

[Odayin]

I like the lesson here. Things pike this may fix the inevitable flaws that humans have...or maybe just make them less obvious. You had a great rhythm and rhyme which helped me stay with the idea. Great idea, lesson, descriptions, emotions, actions, and writing on this one

[Becky]

Wow. Brilliant, as always, and so sad, but the title doesn't really speak to me the way the poem did. 'Course, that's my opinion, and it's not really that important.

Hauntingly beautiful, wonderful write!

[Destinyxi]

Really nice poem, I wouldn't have guessed the ending from the first stanza. It's funny because I just recently received one of those "k" texts haha.

[Lydia]

I like the poem! Very interesting way of how your started. Good job!