I am trying,

To all my friends

I never tell people how I truly feel. Sometimes, I even take the extra step of not telling myself how I feel as well. Instead, I lie to myself, tell myself to keep going and convince myself it'll pass. For these past months I have experienced these undesirable emotions I do not wish to share, simply because I still am afraid to let myself understand the seriousness of my issues. I spend everyday of my life feelings like a prisoner of my own body, everything about me, puts me to not only shame, but doubt. I doubt my ability to do the simplest of tasks, therefore I redo them over and over again just to ensure I can show to others I am still a good worker- I am still okay. Everyday, I try to eat, but with every bite I wish I could throw it up, I hate my body and wish It was not my own. I get home everyday both exhausted and tired, I tell myself its because I didn't sleep, but its also from my constant need to continue this happy image I have created for others. I wish I could tell someone how broken and defeated I feel, I wish when I told people how I felt they didnt tell me that things will get better. I wish that taboo phrase never existed, I wish people could understand just a percentage of what I felt, so theyd understand these things are not just going to go away. I am going to leave that on a tangent, but I need to say I am tired, so very tired. I am tired of putting everything but my health first and tired of this emotional neglect I endure. I am tired of people misunderstanding me for being strong when all I feel is weak and broken. I am trying to build my life together but with every piece I set up one hundred more fall apart. No matter my efforts, I will never be able to keep up. Im tired of people misleading me and this constant deception of thinking people care, when they dont. And I honestly dont think I have anymore tears left within my eyes, I am weak, and when I tell people I want to die I wish they did not stare at me for these emotions I cannot control, but feel. I wish they knew I've lived years of actual hell and being controlled and when I get upset easily, I wish people could see I can not tame myself, I am a monster now. I mask my inner demons with this excuse that school is my tipping point, what breaks me. I make it seem like my issues are all on the surface, so clear. But they are far more deeply rooted than that. I was told for 10 years straight by a man I would never be nothing, those words now caught up to me. My mom has told me she wishes she never birthed me, that I would die, and my dad is gone- so that haunts me. I fear this lonely feeling I experience every second of my life will one day swallow me whole, its almost there. And I feel like for everything in my life, I have to fight for it, nothing comes easy. Nothing to me seems fine, everything is crumbling apart. I cannot recall the last moment in my life where I was happy to be alive, I wrote my first suicide note at 13 and since then, collected the rest. I cant bare tell people this, its not true to them, or its just this emotion that I feel in this exact moment. What about every second of my life?

so if i distance myself from you, this is why