An Escape

everything about you

You shred me into a million meaningless pieces and you make me feel like a worthless speck of dust, a nobody

but I just can't seem to let you go

I love it

You make me feel like everything and nothing all at the same time

how? I am not sure

but, I need it

to feel like I am something, even when at times you prove- I am nothing

I love it

You make me laugh and then sometimes you comfort me when Im sad

why? 

you say love me- I think its true

but in reality, you've faked it

either way, 

I love it

you tell me i am special and unique ..

but then convince me of how id never let you go, because without you id again be-nothing

you know it

how i both love it 

how i also need it

I can sense the manipulation and controlling games you have played on me

this mischief, I've seen it before

I've lived it

I hated it

But now you make me feel like I need it- I need you

Even if this is temporary, your "love" and so called "affection" 

I yearn for it, it makes me safe- it makes me special

and for a moment, I truly think I love it

Until, I remember none of it is real

I hate it

but you know I need it- you remind me that I need it, you tell me I need it

I need you

"You always come back" 

"you will eventually talk to me again"

"you love me"

"you miss me"

"NO" I tell you- I don't even sound like myself at this point, but I really try to convince myself of this lie more than anyone else

I do not need it

I will not always come back

moments later

 I say hi....

because I miss it

because I think I love it.

iIs all fake, Its all lies, Its all bad

and you smile wide, because now you have full control of me- because you made me feel worthless without you and whole in your belittling arms

but can you blame a damaged girl for falling for someone who's even more damaged

an overload of toxic energy if you ask me, but I guess I will never leave.

i kind of love it, i kind of need it

but f**k i know i hate it

i know its not real

Author's Note

going to edit, i needed to put this out into the universe