Fade away, let go

A Poem by marah

Not sure why I felt an urge to right this

There are moments, many moments, where I take note of myself informing others "If people do not either reciprocate the same efforts as you do and/or benefit your well being, then their better off left alone"

followed by how they deserve people who exhilarate them as well as carry and radiate an energy that will uplift their spirits, not deepen their sorrows --

"you deserve people who will grant you will exuberance and liveliness, not people who continuously weigh on your growth and deflect your control on happiness"

and yet, here I am voluntarily absorbed in countless relationships that are no less than toxic, hate fueled, and tiring bonds

I then tell myself "even though they --inside them, deep within, is a good person"

I ignore the constant distaste they ensure I feel

I shrug my shoulders as they belittle and demean my character

I roll my eyes as they commit continuous efforts to inform me of who I am and/or destined to be

I let them form me, shape me into their ideals, I let them rupture my individuality, and forevermore sculpt me into who they are - the person I had such high distaste for

I am revamped

Born again

I am not the same person I used to be, I am the person I used to settle for, I am the friend I should had let go

Morphing into an new individual, I feel vacant in my own body

Lost in my own thoughts

Distant from my own self

...

this is not me, this is not who i am, or suppose to be

but it's the me they always wanted, the me who fit their standards

the me who doesn't even feel like me

I should have let them go when I had the chance, I should have listened to my own words, the ones I delivered so carefully to others, I should have followed the teachings I once believed in...

I should have let them go

and not myself

cause here I am lost

both empty and drained

and I am looking in the mirror

and distraught from the reflection before me

this is not me

i am not this frail vulnerable figure i am a witness of right now

i am not the shattered body in front of me right now

i am not this faint piece of who i used to be...

used to be before i lost me, before i let myself go

i fade into the distance