Someone Else's Someone

Random Thought From The Bar Counter

Someone Else’s Someone

 

Often the issue of morality influences action and feelings, rather curtailing desire and ambition that could lead to either a positive outcome with a satisfying feeling or a negative outcome that could lead to despair and a feeling of rejection if not depression.

I have more than too many times had conversations with so many people on the issue of having an affair, cheating or the desire to be with someone who is usually termed someone else’s. The expressions would be;

“I can’t believe she is sleeping with a married man!”

“She has no shame; she knows very well he is dating someone else!”

“He is such a s**t, look at him flirting with his friend’s girlfriend!”

“Of all the women in the world, couldn’t he find someone who is not taken?”

The list goes on…

 

I have a certain way of thinking that certainly many find surprising if not shocking. And mine is motivated by feelings, thought and logic if not just selfish rubbish. Trust me there is nothing more beautiful than two people in love building a life together. If it’s working then great it’s working. It must be nurtured and it must prosper, until…

 

Being human is a very unique thing. We are creatures driven by emotion and thought. We have a way of knowing what would or could make us happy and knowing what we want. Knowing what we want is often motivated my emotion… Feelings of attraction are often out of our control. From the moment I saw my boyfriend, in the first 5 minutes I spent with him, I knew it was him I wanted to be with and that my being with him would make me happy. Weather that was love on first sight is another article for another time.

 

I don’t believe in the social concept of, ‘Someone is off the market’ or ‘Someone is taken so keep away!’ In the era we live in today a breakup and a divorce is as easy as hop scotch hop.

 

Okay let me get into it as before I’m crucified for my extreme (as many would describe me) thought habit. Two people may fall in love, it’s a beautiful thing. They must live that love up and make it work. But here is the thing. We are people. We are forever growing physically, emotionally, psychologically among other ‘ally’s. The way we feel may be sustained, it may deteriorate or better yet, it may be strengthened. I for one, being the romantic I am (about life in general) would want to see a relationship become better and better with time, but I’m not naive either, so pox on a romantic view of life. A person in a relationship may have a change of heart, change of feelings and want to be with someone else, married or not. A person may fall for someone who is already with someone else.

 

People fall out of love, feel less attracted to their partners, feel a need to be with someone else or just don’t want to be with their ‘better halves’ (clears throat) all the time. But this is not about that person who is in a ‘relationship’ is it? Its more about that side chick, that home wrecking guy, the s**t who just won’t stay away from someone else’s someone (not in my own words but you get the point).

 

See the way I see it is anyone can like someone. No matter what the circumstances may be. Outside of someone being in a relationship or being married, anyone can like someone, oblivious to their status, financials, looks, background among other things (however I do think all the mentioned play a major role in attributing attraction and hence ‘love’.) The morality aspect of it is to feel terrible when you feel an attraction to someone who is ‘taken’. But the truth is we just can’t help but be attracted. It’s not that I have a disregard for morality but rather that morality is subjective and should not compromise ambition. What should be questioned is the action one takes based on the circumstances of their scenario.

 

Suppose I am a single man. I eventually develop feelings for a girl (or better yet a man, but let’s keep it at girl for now) I know.  We have run in the same circles for quite a while but we have hardly ever been close until she started dating a friend of mine about a year ago. This essentially means I have had the opportunity to spend time with her (and her boyfriend, my friend), getting to know her better and see more of her. I feel intrigued by her, she makes me laugh, we have a lot in common and she is just that amazing to me. I realize I’m not only attracted to her but I’m also falling head over heels in love with her. Now, let’s break it down from this point.

 

We live in a world of opportunity and risks. The question to oneself should be whether to act or not to. Like I said circumstances may vary from person to person. It all depends on skill, ambition and how willing you are to accept the two possibilities, good or/and bad. Readiness to address, deal or cope with whatever outcome is very, very, very important.

 

I could simply walk keep my feelings secret and learn to live with having feelings for this girl for the sake of my friendship, my friends happiness and not being labeled by other people as a s**t. In doing so I’m sacrificing my own feelings, living with not knowing how my being with this girl could have turned out or how things could have panned out if I had actually done something about my feelings. Possibility is I could get over how I feel about her, but there is no guarantee to that either. I am basically moving into a void of not knowing what could have turned out regarding my heart’s desire.

 

On the other hand I could make my feelings known to the girl and my friend. I may value my friendship but this girl could be the one person I have forever imagined myself to be with. The most important aspect here is how she responds to my sharing my feelings with her. If she shows hesitation I then have to get my game on and give her every reason to want me the way I want her. If she is attracted to me then I will move in for the kill and make her mine. If she negates mutual feeling then the only choice I have is to accept that ‘she is just not that into me’ and move on knowing I tried.

 

 

 

 Possibly I could lose my friend; he could hate me or want nothing to do with me ever again. Would that be an outcome I could live with for the rest of my life? Again, it’s completely subjective based on answers to certain questions you ask yourself and the answers thereafter;

 

Is this a friend I could live without?

Would I be better off with or without this friend?

Would my happiness with my girl, his ex, be compromised in any way by this?

What will people say?

Can I salvage my friendship after all this?

How will this affect my social life?

What would I do if the same thing happened to me?

What if I lose a good friend for a girl that would leave me for another just like she did to be with me?

These being among a whole spectrum of other questions…

 

Well life is a cycle. I could never be oblivious to the fact that it could possibly happen to me that someone targets my girlfriend the same I did my friend. The realization is to work to keeping my girlfriend focused and completely in love with me that no one else takes the cut. Even then, s**t happens! I cannot certainly fine tune another person’s feelings to my transmission. If she happens to fall for another then I certainly must let go and go through coping, accepting and moving on as anyone else should.

 

At the end of the day people will be hurt, views will be generated about me, the girl and my friend. What will people say? They can say whatever they like and while they are at that they might as well consider unlearning their structured institutionalized way of thought and opinion.

 

The purpose of ambition is to try, fail or win, cope, learn, sustain, maintain, correct, contain, control, maneuver and/or move forward.

 

At the end of end of the day I would say an attraction and love are beautiful things. Without having to be politically correct I would say if you feel attracted to someone else’s person, make your feelings known and take it from there. You could possibly miss out on a beautiful thing if you don’t. Still! Be willing to accept the consequences of your choices and be ready to deal with whatever outcome. S**t could hit the fan, metaphorically speaking.

 

We should not make excuses for how we feel. We should not be made to feel bad for something we have no finite control over. We are creatures of feeling which usually dictates our happiness. We all want to be happy and if it means someone else’s someone is the person to bring about that happiness then why not. Surely many if not most would agree with me that there are numerous relationships and marriages out there that are happily working, relationships and marriages that were born out of someone winning someone else’s someone over due to an attraction and/or love. ‘Fact!’

 

What is that Darwin said again? Oh yeah, “Survival of the fittest!”

 

If there is one thing I have come to realize personally as a counselor, and an effective one if I may add, is that I (or anyone for that matter) should never make decisions for anyone especially based on my morality. The best I could do is make someone realize the possible repercussions of the actions they have in mind, and prepare them for the next step, how to cope and how to deal with the situation the best way they could.

 

This article is a sure way to have a lot of friends become weary of me being around their partners. But what the heck! I say what I think to everyone I might as well write about it.

 

That being said, people in relationships must try not to give their partners any reason to sought love elsewhere, it’s quite an effort but if its love then there is no reason to believe it to be an effort. I believe it is possible to have someone be in love with another because they intentionally (consciously or unconsciously) orchestrate this.

 

Eventually we are all talking happiness being the end result.

 

Ludo Kitso Senome (Mr.)