Slackass

Excerpt from the orphaned novel Slakcass

1

I had surfed my last couch.  For the past few months I had been sleeping in the living room of my friend Irene's tiny two bedroom spot.  I lived off of plasma donations, the kindness of drunks, potheads and a scab job where I spent most of 6 to 12 hours a night I had to be there hiding from the supervisors and racing co-scabies on the electric pallet jacks.  I was fired after I lost control of the jack one night while racing and wrecked it against a concrete pole.  Everyone who saw had a good laugh then they came over to make sure I wasn‘t seriously hurt.  Well s**t you're supposed to be taught and licensed how to drive those f*****g things.  I can't even drive a car. My money was made though so none of it mattered to me.  A week later Irene told me her girlfriend Reese was moving into the living room while she was finishing up her bachelor's degree at UCR.  I had to be out by the end of the week.

"Bachelor's degrees are a dime a dozen," I told Irene in lame protest.

"I think you mean AA degrees," Irene laughed.

"Either or."

"Besides you don't have one and you're not working towards either one," she cracked.  "In fact you're not working towards much of anything"

I couldn't argue with that so I spent the last few days in her place getting drunk and wandering around telling anyone who'd  listen my problems.  Soon word got around to

Bruce.  He lived in the 'big yellow house' a few miles or so from Irene's.  He called Irene's and invited me over for a smoke an chat.  I walked over there the next night.

 

 

2

Bruce answered the door topless sipping wine from a beer mug pale gut popping over his long shorts looking like he was in his 2nd trimester.  He grabbed me and gave me a big hug.  I checked my back for a knife but found nothing.  I figured that would come later.

"Jimbo what's goin' on?"

"You tell me."

"Heard Irene's throwing you out."

"Got till the end of the week"

"You should move in with me and Benny."

"Yeah right."

"You should Jim-Jim it'll be good for ya to live with the fellas.  Stop living with these b*****s bouncin' around from couch to couch."

"An what pay to be your couch guy?"

"No you'd be sleeping on the futon in the cubbyhole."

"I thought we were going to smoke?"

"I invited you over for a smoke and a chat"

"Well let's smoke first, we can chat later."

We went to his room where his friends Leslie and her roommate Jack were already smoking.  Jack shakes my hand when he sees me then passes me the bubbler.  Jack's a slender giant at 6'7 with a relaxed attitude that offsets a face that looks like somebody’s been stubbing cigarettes out on it since birth.  I finish my hit and pass it to Leslie who looks like a typical suburban Cali girl with her blue eyes blond hair tied back in pigtails and her chipmunk face. Except that she's about 5'11 with plenty of cottage cheese everywhere.  By the time the bubbler gets back to Bruce it's cashed.  He starts to pack another then stops.

"Come on Jimbo let me show you the cubbyhole"

Bruce gets up opens the sliding wooden door that leads to a back area and Benny's room.

"This is it."

I looked around.  I didn't know what the f**k he was talking about.

"This is what?"

"The cubbyhole."

It was a little area between Benny's room and the living room full of clothes, parts of tables, broken lamps, trash bags, beer cans and other bottles.  Underneath a pile of dirty beach towels, socks and s**t was the futon.  There was a window above the futon held up with a ruler. Spray painted on the window was this: "Theory of flight: keep flappin' mutherfuker Poopy, poop, poop" DJ Poop.

"Who's DJ Poop?"

"You like that huh Jimbo? I'm DJ Poop."

"I didn't know you spun."

"I don't spin."

"Then what do you do?"

"I make mix cds and play them at parties and sometimes at clubs."

"Oh."

"Look Jim you give me $150 a month and this is your spot."

'My spot' smelled like cum and looked like a dirty hamper exploded.

"I know I know it looks like s**t, but this is all Benny's s**t.  I'll get that f****r to clean

all this s**t out for you and wash the futon cover then you'll be sittin' pretty.  Can you believe he still hasn't paid his half this month? We're over a week behind.  That m**********r..."

I didn’t care about what Bruce was saying.  I looked around the cubbyhole again trying to

imagine it clean.  It'd be like living in a walk-in closet at some celebs house.

"Look Jim you've got this door…"

Bruce closes the sliding wooden door.

"Annnnd you've got the back door."

Bruce tries to open the backdoor but it doesn't budge until he kicks it a few times then it almost comes off the hinges.

"You wanna bring a girl home, you don't wanna take her through the front because we're all in there acting stupid or whatever you just bring her 'round the back.  I'll make you a key and we'll be the only ones with keys for this door."

Bruce was smiling, nodding standing over a dirty lamp shade sipping the cheap red from the beer mug.

He smelled money. 

He smelled desperation.

He knew I had nowhere to go.

He knew I was fucked.

"And if you move in I'll get my brother to help you find a job.  He goes through temp

agencies.  I'll tell him to give you some cards, make a call or two he'll hook you up.  So what'd you think?"

"Fine" I said.

"There you go Jim you don't need to be living in someone's f****n' living room or in some motel.  Look around, you've got your own s**t."

"Uh-huh"

"And after you get a job if Benny's still f****n' around I'll throw his a*s out and you can get his room."

"Mm-hmm."

"You want some wine?  S**t of course you want some wine, you're the young wino of the crew.  Jimbo: the chief wino!"

Bruce gets me a coffee cup tops me off.

"You got the dough on you?"

"Yeah"

"Since it's the 2nd week of the month I'll prorate you, so just give me $115."

I give him the money and we go back into his room to smoke some more.

"You made a good decision here Jimbo."

"Of course you like it; you've got my $115 in your pocket."

"Oh Jim just be happy for once."

"You're getting the cubbyhole?"

"Yeah Leslie."

"That's good, everyone's always sponging off of Bruce and no one ever gives anything back.  Don't you think so Jack?"

Jack couldn't answer he was hitting the bubbler but he nodded.  It seemed everyone in the room thought I was doing the right thing which means I feel exactly the opposite.

"Come on Leslie lets go to Irene's and get Jim's s**t!  How much stuff you got at her house?"

"Just two backpacks of clothes.  We don‘t need a moving van."

Bruce looks disappointed for a second. He puts his hands in his pockets.  Feels the cash.  He takes it out looks at it and his eyes get wide.  Bruce licks his lips spreads the bills out in his hands like a fan.

"Oh look at all this money I got, let's go to the Brewery it's happy hour!  Six dollar pitchers b*****s!"

Leslie and Jack looked at each other then got up and left.

"JIMBO lets hit up the Brew, drink some pitchers meet some b*****s.  Don't worry about money I got it!"

Bruce splashed on some cologne threw on a shirt and a cap then ran out the door.  He didn't even notice I wasn't behind him.

I stood in the living room for a few minutes then walked outside sat on the steps lit a cig.

Bruce's neighbor who lives in a cottage on the property was outside watering the grass I startled her.

"Hey who are you, do you live here?"

"Starting tomorrow."

"Oh you must be Jim."

"Yep."

"Bruce mentioned he might be moving you in."

"Everyone knows a desperate man when they see one."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Do you have an extra cigarette?"

"Yeah"

I give her the cig and a light.  She lights up takes a long drag and exhales slowly.  I can't see her face since it's dark out.  The only light's coming from her porch and it's obscured by all the plants she has around it.  I could only hear her voice which sounds high, whiny and drained.  She goes back to watering the grass; I keep on smoking in the dark.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1

The next day I've got all my stuff over and Benny and I are cleaning out my cubbyhole.

Benny's either shoving s**t into his room or putting stuff in the basement/laundry room that's directly underneath our place.  It's so close that when you're down there and someone walks upstairs you can hear their steps perfectly.  Bruce meanwhile decides to give me a brief history of the 'big yellow' and tell me about my neighbors.  I didn’t care about the house or my housemates but people like to talk so… 

"This 'big yellow house' is over 100 years old and had started off as a brothel.  Since then it's been chopped to s**t and made into a halfway house, a nuthouse, homeless shelter, clean and sober house and a party house. Now it's an apartment house for hip downtown kids (or poor folk) within walking distance of half the bars in the city.  That's what kicks so much a*s Jim; we can walk to the bars! While all these other fuckheads around here are drivin' around gettin' dui's having to drop this person and that person off WE walk to the bars!”

“It’s a lot better than skateboarding there.”

“We can meet a b***h at the bar bring her back here f**k and still be back before last call!

S**t Jim how can you not like that?"

I didn't answer.  Benny farted while moving his hamper into his room.  Bruce kept talking.

 "Counting our place there are six apartments total in the house. The attic, where DJ Skratch and his girl Carol live.  They've got there own toilet."

"DJ Skratch?  What's his real name?"

"Josiah, but no one calls him that but Carol"

"What's she like?"

"She's a hot little feline looking b***h with this fucked up a*s high pitch voice."

"Leave her alone" Benny said.  "She can't do nothing about her voice."

"You shut the f**k up! You need to figure out how you're going to get rent money this week!"

"I keep telling you I’m having a yard sale today and if that doesn't work I'll call my mom tonight."

"Each day is another $15 Benny, another $15!"

Benny stops what he's doing and stares at Bruce for a minute.  He's breathing hard and shaking a bit. I figured he was going to stomp over to Bruce any second and break him in half.  Ben could do it easily being about 6'4 210, a bit flabby (he has man tits) but plenty strong.  I remember our friend Leonard tried to get all crazy on Bruce once after he sold Leo a fish tank that he said was broken.  Before Leo even got it home he came back to Bruce’s place and started pushing and shoving and screaming at him.  Benny and I were watching and eating marijuana wheat crackers (put the weed on the cracker with cheese microwave enjoy).  We thought it was funny, Bruce and Leo pushing each other around, tears in their eyes acting like they were going to fight.  It was all so f*****g gay and childish.  After they started knocking over furniture Benny decided to get up and handle things.  First he stood between Bruce and Leo but Leo kept trying to get at Bruce.  He was yelling and spit was spilling from the corners of his mouth to his chin.  Benny put Leo in a full nelson and lifted him off the floor like a bag of garbage.  Leo wasn’t no slouch either.  He may’ve been small (5’7) but he was built like a mini brick shithouse.  Ben just held him in the air and kept asking him “You gonna calm down?  You gonna calm down?”   Leo kept yelling ‘f**k you’ so Ben told Bruce to open the door and he deposited Leo out the door on his a*s.  Benny could’ve done any number of things to Bruce but instead he went outside smoked a cig.

"M**********r...n****s don't know Jimbo, they just don't know," Bruce said.

"What the f**k are you talking about?"

Bruce doesn't answer, he keeps telling me about the housemates I‘d rarely see.

"Scratch and Carol have lived in the house 5 years.  That's like twice as long as everybody.  They love this f*****g house but they hate all the single people in it."

"Couple Nazis huh?"

"The only single people live in my place (not counting Eli but no one counts that f*****g tweaker) so they hate everyone that lives in here because we like to party a little and don't want to sit at home watching f*****g Will & Grace and s**t.  We like to go out find some

p***y!  Bring the bar back to the spot, break some s**t, make some noise!"

"Uh-huh."

"I love Josiah and Carol though I've known them for years.  S**t Carol and Skratch hate

everyone including each other except when they're drunk.  Then everyone's cool till

morning."

 

2

"On the 2nd floor there are three rooms.  In the biggest room was Pauline, dog Skittles, her girl Janie and their friend Cheryl.  They have their own toilet. They're all lesbos"

"Oh."

"I don't think Cheryl's a dike but I haven't really talked to her yet so I don't know."

"Uh-huh."

"They're cool though y'know nothing wrong with lesbians...I like watching girl on girl action...whatever...they like to smoke herb…"

"Who else is upstairs?"

"In the other room is Maggio his wife Sara and their cat Kitten.  They don't have their own toilet.  They have to share toilet and shower with my brother Eli."

"Are they alright?"

"Sure y'know Maggio's cool, likes to smoke."

"And the wife?"

"She's kinda weird.  Goes to school, works a lot, I think she's the one that's been callin' the cops on our a*s lately.  It's either her or Carol.  All they gotta do is come down stairs and ask us to cool it down a bit.  Then we'll do it.  We're not a******s y'know Jim."

"Um sure you‘re not."

"My brother has the smallest room on the floor."

"How small is it?"

"About as big as the cubbyhole and half of Benny's room combined"

"That's not big."

"F****r better not be up there tweaking or I'll kick his a*s!  But um yeah he'll hook you

up with some temp numbers, you'll have a job in no time.  You should try to get a job with Eli; then you could ride to work with him."

“I like to find my own way to work.”

“Fine whatever.  In the smaller apartment down here is Rochelle and her boyfriend Alan. 

Rochelle's kind of a b***h but when Alan's not around to sell stress you can buy it off her and she'll hook you up pretty good."

"What about Alan?"

"Um he's kinda of slow but he used to be a smack head so...I don't know I like Alan, he'll

front you a sack and not even bug you about payin' him right away.  Me and Benny owe him like 40 bucks"

"Whose the old lady next door?"

"Oh that's Sharon my boy Mitch's mom.  S**t I've known her forever, she's cool; she never rats on us or anything."

"Anyone else live there?"

"Mitch lives there and so does his girl Cassie.  I've known them for years.  Mitch blows glass and sometimes sells chronic.  If Mitch is around you buy off him if you've got the money."

 

3

Benny came back from his smoke and started taking things from his room outside.  He was dragging out his bedroom set when Bruce started bugging him.

"You starting the yard sale?"

"YES I"M STARTING THE YARD SALE BRUCE JESUS!"

"Just askin."

"I know but if you're not going to help then shut the f**k up for a while!"

"Have you made signs yet?"

"No."

"Then I'll make the signs while you're setting up and me an Jim’ll put 'em out."

"Good," said Benny.  Then he grabs his snowboard and boots and heads outside.

Bruce went off to make signs and I took a good look at my clean cubbyhole.  I had set up a little table and lamp in the corner that I found buried underneath all of Ben's s**t.  I had tried cleaning the blinds but they broke and fell down.  I put sheets up to cover the windows.  It made the spot very dark and that was good.  After Benny was done bringing stuff out for his yard sale I tried closing my back door but it came off the hinges.  For some reason I tried to catch the door instead of letting it fall.  Maybe I was thinking about the flowers Sharon and Bruce had planted around the back porch or maybe I thought the door didn't weigh much.  Whatever I was thinking I fell with the door into the flower bed that had it's share of cat s**t in it as well as mud.  I sat in it all, hand still on the doorknob and fumbled around for a cigarette.  I found one in my shirt pocket but I had no light.  Sharon walked by lit my cig and kept on walking.  Bruce walked out with a bunch of signs under his arms.

"I always knew you were a closet hippie" he said then went around front.

A cat walked by looked at me stopped and started licking itself.  I blew a smoke ring at it.

 

4

After nailing my backdoor shut and showering I went to the grocery store and got a couple of 6-packs of this El Salvadorian beer that's always on sale for $1.99.  It was kind of watery but after you drink three or more it doesn't matter.  I stuck one sixer in the freezer and took the other to the front porch to watch Benny's yard sale.  Bruce was out front watching with some of the housemates.  There was a speaker holding up Alan and Rochelle's window blasting classic rock.  A blunt was going around I joined in.

Bruce thought he should introduce me to everyone.  He stood up got everyone's attention.   

"This is Jim, he sleeps in the cubbyhole.  I saved him from a life on the streets."

Bruce waited for a response.  No one said anything.  I don't even think anyone looked at me.  Pauline and Janie did wave in my general direction though and their dog sneezed my way.  At least the dog didn't bark at me.  Alan was getting dirt out of his nails while Rochelle was hitting the blunt.  Bruce was still standing in front of everyone looking stupid so he walked to the sidewalk and started yelling at cars to come to Benny's yard sale.  The blunt was still going around.  I took a couple of hits and passed it on.

Benny was walking around the yard smoking a cigarette asking passersby if they needed a snowboard, or a drafting board or a large birdcage etc.  He had a computer monitor out too and when cars drove by he'd hold it up dance around yelling “WHO WANTS A DELL MONITOR"!

He found some old clothes in the laundry room and had them spread out on the lawn on

some sheets.  The clothes were full of holes, had spiders, bugs and webs all over them.  They had mildew stains on them.  They stank so bad you could smell them from the porch and the street.  No one tried to tell Benny that no one would buy that s**t everyone just sat back watched the car wreck and passed the blunt.  When mothers and their children walked by Benny talking out the side of his mouth and blowing smoke through his nose would nervously try to talk them into buying the rags.  The mothers would take one look at Benny with his big moose looking nose pierced and two piercings in his bottom lip, one look at the clothes then quickly rush across the street ignoring traffic.  Benny shaking his head would light another cigarette and pace around the yard.  Bruce after draining a longneck yelled "Come on Benny hustle, hustle that family wanted to buy those clothes!"

"No one wants to buy any of this s**t" Benny mumbled.

"You just have to stop looking so black and scary" Rochelle said.

"He...should...go.... bleach..... himself." Alan laughed.

Benny ignored them and started polishing his snowboard.

"I'm going to call the girls to help Benny-boy out," Bruce said then took out his cell and walked towards our place.

I didn't know what he was talking about and didn't care enough to ask. I popped another bottle of beer and waited around to see what would happen.

 

5

By the time I finished my first 6 pack Bruce was bouncing around as this beat up old burgundy station wagon pulled up across the street.  These two girls got out.  One was white dressed in hip hugging jeans and a small top.  Her belly was slightly sticking out over the huggers.  She looked like she hadn't skipped too many meals or beers lately.  She looked very healthy.  As she walked up I noticed the fake nails and her hair was in a bun.  I didn't know women still wore their hair in a bun.  Maybe they don't and that was just her style.  She dragged her flip-flops as she walked.  The other girl was tiny, black with a wife beater on, no bra, shorty-shorts and had on running shoes.  Her hair was curly, dark and went down to her back.  She wore it tied back which made her forehead stick out.  She had a hop in her step as she came up to us and even did a cartwheel.

"Look at these girls Jimbo!" Bruce said elbowing me.  "They're going to save Benny's yard sale."

"Someone needs to.  Who are they?"

"Molly's the white one and Salsa is the black one. What'd you think Jim-Jim?"

"Are they strippers?"

"No they work at the Olive Garden."

"So they have breadsticks?"

Bruce didn't answer.  Instead he got up and danced around the girls.

"Bruce you're gross knock it off!" Molly said.

"You look like a thumb wrapped in foreskin" Salsa said.

I laughed, the girls were funny.  Most people aren't.  I still thought they were strippers.

"Whose he?" asked Molly pointing at me.

"This is Jim, he sleeps in the cubbyhole.  I saved him from a life on the streets."

"Is that true?" Salsa asked.

"True to him." I said.

Bruce took Molly and Salsa aside for a little chat.

"Look I need you girls to help Benny out with his yard sale."

"I DON'T NEED ANY HELP!" Benny yelled.

"Is that why you called us?" Salsa asked.

"Look this f****r is a week behind on his half of the rent and is screwing me hard."

"I thought you had weed" Salsa whined.

"I do have weed.  You help Benny out and I'll hook you girls up."

"Fine but only for a little while me and Salsa got dates tonight"

"Whatever, whatever, just go do your thing."

Molly went up to Benny and smacked his big a*s.

"Hey you've , you've got to ask first!"

Molly laughed then walked up to the stop sign pole on the corner and started swinging around it.  Salsa went to the tree at the end of the yard and tried to straddle it but it was a young tree and it broke in half.

"Woooo way to hump that tree!" Pauline yelled.  Then everyone applauded and Skittles barked. 

With nothing to straddle or swing around Salsa started off doing a handstand then split her legs and walked on her hands in a circle until she started going so fast that she looked like a human propeller.  Everyone hooted and hollered.  Pauline let Skittles loose and she ran counter clock wise to Salsa's propeller.  On the stop sign Molly hung upside down and humped the pole while "Double Vision" blared from the speaker.  Cars slowed down and threw dollar bills, business cards, mixed cds, candy bars, their phone numbers written on paper airplane napkins at the girls.  Skittles ran around eating the candy bars.  Passersby also threw dollars at the girls and treats for Skittles.

Every time a car slowed down Benny ran up to them with his snowboard or with the monitor or with the stinky clothes begging them to buy something, begging them to simply stop and take a look at the drafting board, the bedroom set anything.  If nothing else Benny just wanted someone to pretend like they're going to buy something.  He'd been out here for hours and no one's even browsed.  His desperation only scared the drivers so they sped off usually almost running over Benny.

The girls figuring their work was done gathered up the money, the business cars, phone numbers and candy bars Skittles didn't eat (left the mix cds) and walked up to Bruce for their weed.

"So where's the weed Bruce?" Molly asked.

"You didn't help Benny sell anything!  F**k, you guys made more money than he did!"

"That's not our fault." Molly said raising her voice some.  "You asked us to help out

we helped."

"But you didn't help out in the way I needed."

"So is it our fault Benny can't sale s**t?" Salsa snapped hands on her non-existent hips.

"HEY I'M A GREAT SALEMAN!" Benny yelled.  "Thursday's just a lousy  day for a yard sale."

"Benny I've known you since junior high" Molly began . "and you're the only person I've ever met who couldn't sell weed!"

"I could've sold it if you gave me some time..."

"People thought you were a narc Benny.  A goddamn narc!"

"It was the glasses, no one trusts anyone with tape on their glasses..."

And around, around they went.  Molly would say one thing Benny would lamely say something else, Salsa would snap at Bruce and Bruce would talk in circles.  Everything was slowly getting autistic.

Rochelle and Alan went inside.

Pauline and Janie went to take Skittles for a walk.

Everyone else was arguing and I opened another beer.

Finally Bruce gave Molly and Salsa some weed, everyone agreed that Benny couldn't sell food to the starving and Benny decided he'd stay out here until someone bought something.  So Molly bought the jump rope Benny had laid across the drafting board for a quarter.

"There now you can stop."

"Pity sales don't count" Benny said as he lit another cigarette.

Molly and Salsa laughed as they walked to her station wagon.  Molly tried to jump rope as she was crossing the street got tripped up and face planted.  Salsa laughed.  Molly laughed and rolled around in the street.

"COME ON MOLLY WE GOTTA GO!" Salsa whined.

Molly got up wiped the asphalt off her face and a*s got into the wagon.   After a couple of tries it started and they drove off.  Bruce went over to Sharon's to see if Mitch was home.

Benny  got one of those stinky t-shirts and started dusting off his bed set.

I went inside to get my other 6 pack.  I took two out and gave them to Ben who was still dusting away.  He stopped and opened the beer with his lighter.

"It's good that everyone's gone off now y'know.  Now I can concentrate better on getting

people over here without all...."

I walked off before Benny could finish.    

It'd be dark soon but Benny  didn't seem to care.  I would've quit a long time ago, but I've always been  somewhat of a quitter.    

        

6

I woke up in the dark on the futon in my cubbyhole beer in my hand spilling into my crotch.  I lifted up the beer drank what was left. Then there was a flash.  Bruce had taken a picture and was laughing his a*s off.

"Ah Jim you beer pisser!  I got Jimbo ha, ha , ha, ha!  I'm going to put this s**t on my

computer and everyone's gonna see you passed out looking like you pissed yourself!"

"At least you didn't draw on me."

"That's only if you fell asleep  on my couch with your shoes on."

"Come on Jimbo change pants we're going to Pepe's to watch Frantic play."

"What the f**k's Frantic?"

"This Mexican band I'm friends with."

"You don't like Mexicans."

"That's not true, I just think they can't drive."

"You drive worse than they do."

"That don't matter.  We're gonna go Pepe’s have some beers spread the word about an after party at our place b.y.o.b (bring your own beer) then split."

"What about Benny?"

"He's still outside."

"It's almost ten o'clock"

"Then get him to put all that s**t away and come with us.  I'm going to take a shower." Bruce said walking into the bathroom with half finished 32oz.

I got a beer from the fridge and went outside.  Benny was out there in a trench coat pacing around.

"Maybe you should call it quits Ben."

"After ten is when the tweakers start coming around"  Benny said.  "They'll buy something."

"Ok now you're being stupid.  Tweakers only have money for tweak.  Anyway it's late no one who isn’t on drugs and has dough is going to buy any of this s**t. Let's put everything away.   You can try again this weekend."

"I don't have that much time."

"Then call your mom tomorrow."

"Give me a half hour."

I went to the porch sat down lit a cigarette.  I had forgot to take my bottles in the house from earlier.  They were all over the porch.  It was cold out and Benny bounced around waiting for tweakers that weren't going to come. Some bums walked by on their way to Fairmont park.  A lot of them slept there when it was too late to get into the men's shelter down the street.  When they spotted the yard sale one would distract Ben asking for a cig or some change while another would steal whatever he could get his hands on then run off.  This happened three or four times until Benny caught on and started chasing them down the street.  While Ben was chasing bums Bruce came outside hair slicked back reeking of Old Spice and malt liquor.  He was working on another 32oz.

"Why's Benny chasing those bums around?"

"They were stealing the stinky clothes."

"S**t he should be thanking them."

"Drinking all that King Cobra can make you pretty stupid"

"What happened you're too good for the s**t now?"

"I'm too dumb."

"And what about me?"

"You're just dumb enough."

"Jim man I love you."  Bruce said then tried to put me in a head lock.

"I forgot you get pretty gay too."

"F**k you!"

"When are we leaving?"

"After Benny gets back.  I'm going to end this f****n s**t sale."

"So you're going to do something stupid?"

"I'm carrying this boy.  He's a grown f****n man and he's killing me Jim, he's f****n killing me."

"Calm down you act like he isn't going to get the money from his mama."

"That's not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

Bruce didn't answer because Benny came back.  He took a big swig of the 32oz  got up and yelled "You poopyheads, you m***********s don't you see you need to buy this f****r's s**t?  Don't you see he needs to pay his f*****g rent?  Doesn't anybody f*****g see?  Why the f**k won't somebody see?"

I wondered who Bruce was yelling at.  The streets were empty.  Maybe he was yelling at himself or God.  People love to yell at God.  I  thought Bruce was going to start crying, instead he finished off his 32 and threw it into the street.  It bounced a couple of times then rolled harmlessly into the gutter.

"F**k that bottle and f**k you Benny you f**k, you're f*****g me in my a*s right now you know that, you're f*****g me right up my a*s!"

Bruce now frothing at the mouth some grabbed all the empty bottles off the porch and started throwing them.  Most of them just hit the s**t Benny had on the lawn for sale.  The rest bounced around the street hitting parked cars, passing cars, spinning around like tops; doing everything but breaking.  Bruce never was good at breaking things.  The neighbor and her husband came out.  Benny told  me a little about them.  They had moved next to them a few weeks ago and he felt sorry for them. Bruce and him were the worst neighbors outside of crack house neighbors.  Once Bruce saw them he ran in the direction of Pepe's.  He was scared of married people.  No one knew why.

"What the hell's going on here?!" yelled the wife.

"A yard sale" I answered.

"What kind of yard sale has drinking, yelling and bottles everywhere?" asked the wife.

"Late night ones" I answered.

"In Florida people don't put up with this kind of s**t you understand?!"

"I'm sorry."

"Next time we'll call the cops down here, give you b******s the a*s kickin' your mothers didn't!" shouted the wife scowling at me then turning to scowl at Benny who was picking up bottles off the lawn.

The husband was trying to scowl too but couldn't quite manage.  Instead he looked like he was holding in a s**t.  They went back into their house.

I helped Benny pick up the rest of the bottles then we put all his s**t back in our place.

Afterwards we sat on the front porch smoked cigs.

"Well what're you gonna do now?" I asked.

"I don, I don't know Jim, guess I'll hit my mom up or try to sell my s**t again tomorrow"

"Just ask your mom I can't stand to sit and drink through another one of your yard sales."

"Where did Bruce run off to?"

"We were supposed to go watch Frantic play at Pepe's then have an after party at our place."

"Cool, cool.  They chargin?"

"If they are we'll just sneak around back."

"I don't have any money for bar drinkin, we should get some talls along the way."

"Mm-hmm."

We finished our smokes locked the house up then walked to the liquor store a couple

of blocks from our house.  Benny bought four talls and got two large cups and straws.  We poured the talls carefully into the cups put the lids on.  Benny stuffed the other two into his trench coat then we started walking.  Pepe's was 6 or 7 blocks away.  I didn't remember how to get there so I followed Benny sipping the beer all the while.

 

7

We finished our beers just as we got to Pepe's a former dive bar where all the old time lushes and aspiring whatevers used to drink until the weekends when they were pushed out for this crowd and the covers the bar could charge to hear some s****y bar bands doing Doors and Stones covers.   Now Pepe's was trying to cater to the downtown crowd by having DJ nights during the week and local/out of town indie/punk bands play on the weekends.  Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn't.  The downtown kids were a fickle bunch.  One week this was the place to be, the next week someplace else.  All they really wanted to do was party out in the city but gas prices, traffic and their simply being scared to take the subway at night anywhere usually kept them around here. 

I didn't like how Pepe's had changed. It used to be dark in here even in the daytime.  You

could get a booth drink your beer munch on stale tortilla chips and greasy salsa and not be bothered.  Now there were no booths.  Just tables and chairs all spread out facing the stage that was now the centerpiece of the bar.  There were lights all over the place.  I put on my shades the moment I walked in.   The female bartenders were aggressively friendly and wore small tight tops pushing up shagging tits and showing off old cleavage.  The male barkeeps were young studly types, wore trucker caps and Atticus shirts.  They worked out and walked around like they could f**k any p***y and kick anyone's a*s.  They catered to their friends when they were at the bar and made strangers wait.  I didn't like the scene very much.

They weren't charging so we walked right in.  Before anyone we knew could spot us I found a couple of empty pint mugs on a table.  Benny and I went to the restroom cleaned them out and filled them up with the other two tall boys.  We tossed the cans walked back out.  Bruce ran up us and hugged then drug us to his table we other people we knew were.  Benny went around high-fiving and smooching people.   I kept my distance and waved at everyone. Frantic had just finished a song and everyone was clapping.  The singer saw Benny and a grin came on his face.

"Hey everybody it's my favorite weed connect Benny-boy!"

Everyone cheered.  Benny threw his arms up in the air and flashed his dead tooth.  Some beer spilled out of his mug.  Someone refilled it.

"This song's for you Ben" The singer said.  "because I forget what's it's originally supposed to be about."

The band kicked in, the singer started singing in Spanish.  For some reason they sounded like a Mexican version of Oasis to me.  Benny held his beer up as they played his song.  I was bored, I went to the front patio to have a smoke and watch the traffic.  Out there were some older smokers mixed with the younger ones.  The older ones smoked Marlboros and younger smoked generic brands like 1st Class cigarettes.  I smoked 1st Class cigs.  I saw my friend Marquis across the way talking to some girl.  She didn't look too interested in what he had to say and kept waving away the smoke from his cancer stick.  The girl had on a blue Modest Mouse t-shirt just a little too small so she could show off her pierced belly button.  Her dyed black hair almost came down to her shoulders and her jeans had one well placed hole at the knee.  Her chucks were spotless.  Marquis kept talking to her but he wasn't really looking at her.  He kept staring at the ground brushing his hair behind his ears and hitting his cig.  I'm not even sure he noticed when she walked away and I walked up.

He didn't like being called Marquis because he thought it sounded gay. He told everyone called him Marc.  He was right it did sound gay but his name had a melody to it that most names like 'Jim' don't so I called him Marquis.  I was one of the few non-females he let get away with that.  Kinda why I thought he was a decent guy, well that and he always had pills.

"Hey Marquis the girl's gone"

"I know Jim I was just...I don't even know."

Marquis was from Hemet, a city known for two things: it's retirement community and it's

meth.  All of kids down there lived with their grandparents who were oblivious to damn near everything while the kids started meth labs and sold the s**t and did the s**t.  Marquis told me he didn't tweak but his eyes were always bugged out.  He wasn't twitchy or anything so I couldn't tell one way or the other.

"What were you guys talking about?"

"I don't know the band,  people we had in common s**t like that.  I wanted to take the

conversation in a different um direction you know, to find out whether she had a boy or a girl or if she was interested in doing some s**t but she always found a way to steer it back to s****y small talk."

"You should've put the cig out."

"Why?"

"She was waving the smoke away the whole time you two were talking."

"S**t Jim how did I miss it?"

"You have to stop looking down when you talk to girls, hell to people in general."

"But if I don't look down then I end up staring them right in the eyes and you know how my eyes look."

“Have you ever tried not staring period?”

“Yeah but if I’m not staring right at them or at the ground I have a hard time listening to them.”

"Okay well you could always stare at some other part of a person."

"What part?"

"Um...stare at the shoulders.  It's not too obvious and you're not looking at anyone directly."

"But then I'm staring at their shoulders and that's weird."

"Don't just stare at the shoulders!  In fact don't stare at any part in particular.  Act like you're connecting dots.  Go from  foot to foot, elbow to elbow, shoulder to shoulder and glance at the eyes.  It'll be some cute thing that you do.  Some girl will find it interesting.  Then you'll date her and after a while she'll find it annoying.  In between though you'll be getting laid so who cares right?"

"Yeah."

"There you go."

"And if it doesn't work?"

"Try talking to blind people."

"Jim I can never tell if you're bullshitting or not."

"Me neither."

"You just get here?"

"A little bit ago.  How long you been here?"

"A few minutes.  I was across the street.  There's bands playing at Bob's Vintique"

"A lot of people there?"

"A lot of teenage girls.  I was just going back you should come too."

"I don't like teenage girls.  I didn't even like them when I was a teenager."

"None of them will talk to me cause I look too old."

"You are too old."

"But you look you just graduated last year or something.  They see me with you it won't

be like I'm some gross older guy."

"Yeah it'll be like we're both some gross older guy."

"Just come on."

"Got any vics?"

"Like ten or fifteen."

"You should give me a few."

"You should come to Bob's with me."

"B*****d."

Marquis grinned and gave me a couple.  I chased them down with the rest of my beer then we went across the street to Bob's.

Bob's Vintique was a clothing store specializing in vintage clothes and knickknacks that the indie kids around town were into.  Noticing that a lot of these kids were underage and couldn't see their fave bands at the bars Bob started having shows at his store every week.  In between Bob would get in on mic and encourage everyone to browse, announce sales and the next week's show.  There was never a cover but the kids always bought a lot of s**t.  I had known Bob for a year or so.  He was a shrewd business man as they say.  It was between sets and Bob had just got off the mic when Marquis and I walked in.

"Jimmy jazz what's up" Bob said bear hugging me.

His breath smelled of wine.  He was probably drunk.  People liked me a lot more when they were drunk.  I'm not sure whether I liked them that way but at least they laugh more.  What I really wanted to know was if Bob had anymore wine.

"Bobby-bob how's business?"

"Kick f*****g a*s Jim!  Marc didn't tell me you'd be wanderin' over here otherwise I would've saved you some wine."

"You mean you don't have an extra bottle?"

"Ah look at this f****n kid" Bob said putting his arm around my shoulder and squeezing me.

"Biggest wino I know.  He could be stuck in the Sahara and given a choice of wine or water this f****r would choose wine."

"If I'm stuck in the Sahara and can't get any food, might as well get drunk."

"F*****g Jim.  Come on I got some more wine in the back.  You want some Marc?"

"Nah I'm going wait around for the next band."

"F****n liar!  I see you scopin those teenie boppers.  Better watch it Marky-boy they're twice as hard as they look."

"That's why I brought Jim over to break the ice and make me look less creepy."

"You don't need this a*****e around.  He'll open his mouth and f**k all your game up."

Marc nodded then drifted outside to smoke a cig. Once out he started a conversation with a little white girl in a black hoodie.  She looked like she was fifteen, but she was smoking so they had that in common.  I kinda wanted to see if Marquis was going to do that connect the dots thing. But I really wanted some wine so I followed Bob through the crowd and into the storage area where he had the Chucky Shaw Merlot $1.99.  Some people do have class.  He gave me a paper cup topped me off.  I took a sip.  The vics were starting to kick in and I felt tingly.  Everything got a bit more tolerable until Bob starting talking.  He was having trouble with his girl and was thinking about breaking up with her before she broke up with him.  He wasn't sure what to do.  On one hand he thought if he broke up with her then he'd look like 'THE MAN' throwing a b***h to the curb.  He'd look great to the fellas but not so much to the females which means he'd to work for rebound sex.  Now he thought if she broke up with him then he'd look pathetic in front of the guys but it would make getting rebound sex easy as pie.  Such a dilemma.  I didn't know what to tell Bob.  Didn't really care either.  I just kept refilling my cup and nodding.  Most people don't want advice; they simply want someone to throw words at who'll agree with whatever they say. 

Bob shut up once the next band started playing.  I finished my drink and followed him back up front.  We worked our way to the front of the crowd.  I recognized the band.  They were called Child Pornography.  Most people called them Child P for short.  It sort of rolled off the tongue.  The group had a sort of disco punk sound that was popular right now.  They were a three piece group.  The guitarist Natalie (Natty for short) who was on the methadone plan trying to kick heroin, Aaron on keys who was straight-edge and seemed to be concentrating way too much on his simple keyboard parts and the singer Jamie was dressed in a diaper, chucks and horn rim glasses.  He was skinny but for some reason had a big a*s.  When he wasn't shaking it in someone's face he ran around in circles and sang off key.  Some of the kids moved along absent mindedly to the beat.  Others stood around.  If you weren't moving (or if he knew you) Jamie ran up to you and started dry humping.  If it was a friend then there was laughter and everyone stared.  If it wasn't then the humpee looked around nervously, didn't laugh and everyone still stared.

He spotted me.  I wasn't in the groove.  He ran up knocked me down and started humping my leg while singing 'Jimmy-Jim why won't you sleep on my couch.  Jimmy-Jim gay sex on my couch.'  I didn't laugh, I didn't look around nervously, I didn't know if people were staring, I just felt stupid and wanted another drink.  He humped me for a minute for so longer then got up and started running in circles again.  Then the song was over.  There was applause.  I clapped too.  It was most action my left leg had gotten in months.  My right leg felt jealous.  I felt bad for my right leg.  It never got any action.  I walked outside.  Marquis was still out there smoking.  The girl in the black hoodie was gone.

"You headin' back to Pepe's?"

"Yeah I need a drink."

"I'll come too.  You want another vic?"

"I'm good.  What happened to the girl in the hoodie."

"I sold her a couple of vics for five bucks."

"That's all you did?"

"Yeah she wasn't my type."

"Too young?"

"No I don't like girls who wear hoodies.  Makes me nervous."

"That doesn't begin to make any sense."

"Does it have to?"

"Guess not."

"Sure you don't want another?"

"Is it free?"

"Of course."

"I'll take a couple more."

He dropped two in my hand.  I put them in my pocket for later.

 

8

As we were walking into the bar Bruce was heading out with Leslie and Jack.  Leslie didn't have her hair in pig tails this time.  It was straight and flowed down across her shoulders.  Les was tipsy and bouncing around.  Her breasts bounced with her. Bruce, Jack, and Marquis got wide-eyed watching the tits bounce.  I wanted to see if one would hit her in the face but they weren't big enough to do that.  I lost interest and thought about what I wanted to drink. Once Leslie stopped bouncing around Bruce grabbed me.

"Jim we're heading back the house, everyone knows about the party."

"Ooooook."

"Hey were you across the street?"

"Yeah I was drinkin with Bob."

"You should get some of those teenage girls to come to the party."

"They don't like me, I look creepy" I said looking at Marquis.

"Marc you coming over?"

"Yeah man sure."

"Good give Jimbo and Benny a ride, we're out."

"Who’s driving?"

"Leslie, it's her car."

"Make sure she doesn't bounce those things while driving"

"Shut up Jim!" Leslie said hitting me.

After that they walked off.  Bruce had a bottle of bud in his hand and tossed it into the street. It landed in the crosswalk and rolled quietly into the gutter.

Inside Frantic was finishing up.  Everyone was trashing their instruments while the singer kept screaming 'YEAH, YEAH, YEAH' and pogoing around the mic stand.  Everyone cheered and had their lighters in the air.  I didn't have a lighter.  When it was over the singer thanked everybody for coming and told them there was a party at the yellow.  People applauded that more than Frantic's set.  They started putting away their equipment and Benny got on stage to chat the band up.

Marquis and I sat at the bar ordered beers from the bartender with a wife beater on and veiny cleavage.

"LAST CALL" she croaked "LAST CALL!"

I expected everyone to rush the bar.  Instead folks started to slowly file out.  They had to find a 7-11 or a 24hr grocery store and get some booze to make it through the night.   The few older couples there though stayed around, ordered another pitcher and popped coins in the jukebox.  "Dazed and Confused" came on.  Some people began playing air guitar.  Marquis played air bass.  I could tell by the way he held it and his finger movements.  I also knew he used to play bass in some bands around town. He got bored playing with people though and mostly played alone in his room at his granny's.  Damn shame too, that f****r could play. Oh well, I drank my beer an thought about the vics in my pocket.

After the band left Benny came up to us.

"You ready to go?" I asked.

"Yeah"

"Is Frantic heading back to the house?"

"No they're going home."

"Shouldn't band show up at their own after party?"

"They all got to go to work in the morning."

"The rock n‘ roll lifestyle never works if you got bills."

"Let's go" Marquis said.

"Should we get some beer?" Benny asked

"You got money?"

"S**t Marc everyone knows I'm broke."

"Jim?"

"The only thing I'm buying is wine"

"Then let's go get some jugs."

"That doesn't sound right" I said.

"You know what I mean don't you?"

"I hope so but for some reason I'm not too sure."

Marquis gave me a fake laugh.  He thought I was trying to be funny when I really wasn't

sure what I was trying to be.  The vics were really kicking in now and I wasn't too sure of much.  I was always a lightweight when it came to pills.  I followed them to Marquis' car.  Every now and then I saw lights popping before my eyes.  Everything would get brighter for a moment then fade.  I didn't like the lights.  They made me more aware of my s****y surroundings.  I didn't need any reminders of that.  I was glad when we got out of there.

 

9

When we got to the yellow I heard Bjork playing and saw people standing around in our dimly lit patio drinking from paper bags.

"F*****g Bjork" I said. "How gay."

"I like Bjork" Benny said.

"Everyone's gay" I said.

Marquis did his fake laugh again.  We went inside.  I carried my medium jug of Carlo Rossi burgundy while Marquis carried in his Chianti.  There were girls in the kitchen trying to see the fish in Bruce's dirty tanks.

"Poor fish" One girl said.

"How can they survive in there?" The other asked.

"Ever since I saw Finding Nemo I've been against fish being in tanks" said another girl.

"I wish we could free them."

"I wish we could see them"

I got Marquis' attention.

"You should talk to those girls" I told him.

"Why?"

"You're into fish, you love Finding Nemo."

"I'm just a fan of Ellen"

"Who isn't?" I said.  "Go chat 'em up.  Offer them some wine."

Marquis walked over to them and started talking.  He was doing the connect the dots

thing I told him about.  Maybe the kid would be alright.  I thought. 

Benny tapped me on the shoulder.  Someone had a skateboard and was doing kick flips in the kitchen.  Benny didn't like that so he walked over to him and waited for the moment when his feet left the board and kicked it from under him.  The guy fell on his a*s so

hard it seemed like the whole kitchen shook.  The girls glared at Benny.

"It's rude to skateboard in another man's kitchen." Ben said in full Malcolm X mode then walked outside to smoke.

"Was he joking?" one of the girls asked me.

"Benny never jokes about his kitchen" I said then walked into the living room.

Some people I didn't know were on the couch passing the bong around looking bored.

I asked them if I could hit it.

"Who are you?" they all asked at the same time.

"I'm Jim"

"Oh right you live in the cubbyhole!" they all answered.

"Uh-huh"

"Bruce told us he saved you from certain death on the streets."

"Yeah but I saved his a*s in Bosnia."

"You were with Bruce in the army?" they asked speaking all together again.

"Could you guys stop doing that it's really annoying."

"Sorry" said the guy in the middle with the dreads and handlebar mustache.

That look shouldn't go together but for some reason it looked right on him.

"That's where I met Bruce, in the army."

"Man he didn't tell us that."

"He doesn't like to let people know because then I always bring up how he owes me his life and stuff."

"That's not very nice."

"Well after Bosnia I forgot how to be nice"

"Man you must've went through some s**t over there!"

"Goddamn right! Then to come back home and no one not even remember that f****n war!  S**t no one even calls it a war, they call it a ‘conflict’. You can't even begin to know

what it's like to fight in a war no one's even made a f****n movie of the week about!"

"Jeez man I’m sorry.  Here let me pack you a fresh bowl."

He packed the bowl handed me bong and lighter.  I took a nice rip blew smoke all over the place and handed it back to him.

"That was for all my brothers that couldn't make it back to enjoy rips like this" I said.

"Are you talking about black people or your brothers in war."

"I'm talking about people of all colors who died fighting someone else's war!"

"YEAH!" said everyone on the couch.

"You're doing it again."

"Oh we're sorry" said the guy in the middle.  "We should be leaving."

Then they got up and did just that.

I walked in Bruce's room  where Leslie and Jack were hulahooping and Bruce was grinning singing along to Bjork.  Leslie's tits were bouncing again but no one was wide-eyed about it.

"TURN THAT GAY S**T OFF!" I yelled.

"Come on Jimbo!" Bruce said running over to me draping an arm around my shoulder and screaming along to Bjork's screaming.  It was all incoherent and becoming steadily stupid.

I thought about the vics in my pocket.  I figured two more would put me out.  I didn't want it to come to that but I felt everything was devolving into one of those Down's Syndrome nights when there was nothing left to do but drug yourself until you were out cold and hope that in the morning most of it was forgotten.

"Ah poor Jim-Jim I'll put something else on."

When the music stopped Jack and Leslie stopped hulahooping.

"What the f**k Bruce!" Jack said.

"You fucked with the flow!"

I thought Leslie was going to say something but she just fell on Bruce's bed laughing her a*s off.

"I'm going to put something on that's even better for your flow."

Bruce popped a disc into his DVD player then turned the TV on.  He got the remote and after some searching stopped on the 'Hey Ya' video.  Once it started Bruce jumped on his bed and started singing into the remote making up his own lyrics to the song.

"My baby wants chicken wings cause I can get em cheap and she know it ain't no thang. Poopy, poopy, poop, all b*****s know DJ Poopy Poop's the s**t yeah, yeah, yeah!"

Leslie got off the bed and started hulahooping again along with Jack.

I took the vics out of my pocket and chased them down with my wine.  I stumbled into the cubbyhole and slid the door shut.  It was nice and dark in there. I stretched out on

the futon.  The flashes came back.  It reminded me that the cubbyhole was like living in a walk-in closet which is what I thought the first rode I Space Mountain as a kid.

Down's Syndrome nights sometimes can't be avoided but if you have enough drugs they can end on a decent note.

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems