Handsome

Handsome

A Poem by Lucas Jay
"

A poem about body image and running

"

I sit on the floor; lean forward

Letting muscle and tendons stretch

I stand pulling one foot towards my a*s

Hold, count to ten, then the other

I place my foot against the wall

My calf tightens; I bite down on my lip

I lock my apartment put my headphones in

And press play

 

I have always wanted to be handsome

To be more than what this face allows

To walk into a room and see heads

Turn and jaws drop, the kind of guy

Every girl wants to be friends with

And every guy wants on his arm

 

After seven minutes I have reached

My fist mile, my pace is faster than normal

For the first time in weeks my legs feel good

The music keeps my feet pumping

I will run further, I will lose more

I will be better than when I left

 

I would give every poem I have written

To have abs of steel instead of the

Cushion that has crept from my stomach

What does that say about the society

We live in?  F**k, what does that say

About me?  That I have sat in my high chair

And let over the people spoon feed me

Their idea of beauty and masculinity

I can wear confidence like a cheap suit

No matter how well it fits the fabric

Like my body; will always be second rate

 

Around three miles a bead of sweat

Runs down my cheek, splashes on

The corner of my mouth; it is salty

My shirt is drenched and my mouth thirsty

My pace has increased because the voices

In my head keep getting louder

My mind goes blank

 

Mile six and my thighs burn with the intensity

Of a volcano, my ankles are melting

My entire body is screaming

From the inside out to stop

But nobody wants me

I am not handsome enough

So I keep running

I must push through the pain

I must torture my body until it resembles

More of a machine than a man

Every cell slows I feel pavement scrape skin

Blackout

 

I have counted calories, tried the Atkins regime

Drank protein shakes and pumped my

Veins full of steroids been to rehab and back

I have let my finger touch the back of my throat

Tasted breakfast twice,

Left dinner in the toilet;

Pushed lunch around with a fork

Like I actually tasted something

 

The sun wakes me from forced sleep

Take a couple deep breathes and keep going

I want so badly to not let my body

Determine my self-worth,

I feel guilty over my slowed pace

Mile ten I am back home, I unlock the door

Stretch my aching muscles

Drink a glass of water for dinner

Go to bed hungry; the truth is,

No matter how many times I fall

I will never be healed

© 2012 Lucas Jay


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Added on July 10, 2012
Last Updated on July 16, 2012
Tags: running, body image, gay, poem

Author

Lucas Jay
Lucas Jay

La Crosse, WI



About
I started writing in 2007 as a means to perform on stage and was able to find my voice. I have started to write some for page and am really enjoying discovering a new side of my writing. Currently, .. more..

Writing