The Well

I sit
I question
I ponder
plans made long ago, distant memories today
loves gained and lost
opportunities missed
all because of apprehension
the fear to act
to speak up
to take the moment
time and time again
more missed chances than risk taken
insecurity laced with dismay
when did I stop living
and start hiding?
ice cream pint and DVDs
litter the concrete floor
secluded down in my wine
entertained with wine and smoke
cutting myself off
bit by bit
day by day
until now
where I can see from the bottom
the umbrageous path I’d taken
from here there is no digression
only stagnation
the first step is illuminated against the stone wall                    
I see the moment captured
my lips kissing her cheek
the smile on her face
I said that I would fight for the picture
wanting to keep the moment for myself
when I could have shared it
instead I took it, ran, and hid
I feared pursuing my desires
not even her hand between my legs roused any action
too wrapped up in the moment to risk the consequences
be them in or against my favor
exchanged for what ifs and if onlys instead
my grip has become weak
letting the moment slip by thrice now
how to recover
distant but possible
do I take the risk of losing a friend
for the benefit of revitalizing my spirits
solidifying to myself a twinge of confidence
feeling as if I have a soul again
at one time I looked down into this well
the bottom too far down and away from the sun
for me to clearly see
one day I feel in
thinking all would be well
if only I could find love
using it as a lifeline
while I was the only person it was attached to
I know how deep the well is
I see the path to salvaging my life
all I need to do is step on the stone
embrace life
become infused with its energies
and climb
only then can I shed the shadow
for this is now way to live