Chapter 45 - "To love is to be vulnerable."

Of course, I feel stupid after I read the first sentence of Mark. It’s not a story about a guy named Mark at all. It’s about Jesus. I shake my head and take another bite of my apple and flip through the pages. I’m not ready to read about Jesus. Not ready to have him judge me like God did. I sip my water and flip pages until I come to a section titled, “The Rich Young Man.”

I nod.

That sounds perfect.

I slide my tray beside me and lean back. After clearing my throat, I read aloud, “As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. ‘Good teacher,’ he asked, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’”

This guy obviously never read Proverbs. I know the answer, stop being proud and don’t lie or hurt innocent people.

I bend my knees and put the book on top of them. With another bite of my sandwich, I read the red letters in my head. “‘Why do you call me good?’ Jesus answered. ‘No one is good�"except God alone. You know the commandments: “Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.”

“‘Teacher,’ he declared, ‘all these I have kept since I was a boy.’”

No way. This man had to be guilty of something. Come on, Jesus just said only God is good. I took the last bite of the sandwich and dusted the crumbs from my hands. The only rich person I knew who didn’t act stuck-up is Mario. But he did hurt his sister. My cousin Bailey is pretty cool. She always did sweet things for people, although she is a horrible gossip. No. No one’s good except God. I buy that one. No big.

After another sip of water I continue, “Jesus looked at him and loved him.”

What?

I read it again. Did Jesus believe this guy? Maybe Jesus is nicer than God. Maybe this rich guy was good. Not someone who would hurt people. My hope fades when I read the next piece. “‘One thing you lack,’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.’ At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.”

I get it. He’s right. I’m not glad that I’m agreeing with Jesus, but I get it. Giving has brought me more joy than any gift I’ve ever gotten. I continue reading, happy to have the diversion as well as the validation. Of course, when I get to the part about camels and needles I remember why I hated English. I read it again because I don’t get it. It doesn’t help. I close the book. Whatever. I don’t have to understand that part. What I can hold onto was the fact that I want at my very core to live a selfless life. And to think I thought the only value this book would bring me was paper to make origami. Not that I would have destroyed it. That’s the old me. Now I hold it close to my heart thinking of the joy I’ll feel when I hand it to Jackson.

I smile, but before I can look for another story, I hear the lock on the door release.

Oh no.

I pull my foot out of the way and tuck the Bible into the waistband in the back of my pants. Dr. Maggie might have saw it. Rowena or any of the other guards might be here to take away the book. The door swings open as I turn my body toward it. The Bible behind me.

My hands start to tremble so I keep them on the floor next to me and I sit cross-legged. Everything inside of me prepares for battle. It won’t do any good to swing at them, but maybe I can talk my way out of this. I might even cry or beg. No matter what I want to keep this book.  I need it, not for the words as much as for the day I return it to Jackson. He gave it to me. I should return it to him. It’s only right.

I completely relax when I look up and see Mario.

“I came to pick-up your tray.” Fatigue hunches his shoulders. I have no idea how many people made it below ground, but the guard-to-inmate ratio had to be very low.

“Hi Mario,” I have to stop myself from jumping up to hug him. “It’s so good to see you.”

“Courtney.” A spark of life returns to his eyes. He reaches out his hand to help me up. “What are you doing sitting on the floor?”

“No reason.” I clasp his hand and use the leverage to stand. The Bible makes a loud slap on the floor as it falls.

The blood in my veins halts. Time moves in tiny increments as Mario looks around me. I can’t stop him from seeing it. My only hope is if the book lands face down I could claim it’s my journal. He won’t make me show it to him. I turn to see the bright gold letters shout “Holy Bible.” Before I can stop him he bends over and picks it up.

Great. Now I might have to wrestle it away from him. I have no idea what the consequences for fighting in The Bunker would be. Is there some place down here worse than this room? A prison within the prison?

“You have a Bible?” It doesn’t sound like an accusation.

“It’s Jackson’s.” I reach my hand out hoping he’ll give it back. “I didn’t have a chance to return it to him before the fire.”

“Wow, I sure wish I had mine.” The graduated inmate passes the book back to me. The leather cover feels soft in my hands. I sigh like a mother hugging her lost infant.

“You won’t tell?” Relief releases my heart to beat again.

“No,” he states it like a simple fact. “Do you want these?” He hands me the bottle of water and the potato chips. He came to pick up the tray, not to take away my prized possession.

“Sure.” A nudge from my gut tells me to give him Jackson’s Bible. I hug the book to my chest with my right hand and accept the food with my left. I want to be selfless, but this idea feels too hard. It’s Jackson’s face I want to see smile, not Mario’s. I walk over to the bed and set the food down.

Mario’s sighs as he slides the tray into the slot. He’s tired. With all the hard work, the Bible would be important to him. It would encourage him. There has to be another way I can help. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

The urge to give him the Bible comes back so strong I want to cry.

“Do you have a rosary?” The thought of Nanny Bella’s brown hands caressing wooden beads as she whispered prayers. That’s what Christians did, they prayed with beads.

“No.” He smiles “I replaced my rosary with scriptures a few years back.”

“Oh.” I’m disappointed. If he had a rosary, I could keep the Bible. Keep the one thing that brightens these yellow walls. I look back toward the door. Mario props the door open with his foot.

“Well, I’d better go.” He stands in the open hall.

“Before you do.” My breath hesitates on its way into my lungs as if I’ve been sobbing for hours. I can’t believe I’m going to do it. But the strange compulsion pushes me forward. This book means more to him than it ever could to me. “Do you want to hold on to this?” I extend Jackson’s Bible to him without moving closer.

“Seriously?” Confusion crowds into lines on this forehead.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not really mine.” With effort I take the steps necessary to get to the door. “Just make sure it gets back to Jackson.”

“Thanks.” The confusion on his face transforms. His shoulders straighten and he nods a smile at me. Weariness slips from his body.

As the door closes, I study my empty hands. Then I feel it. That wonderful high that came to me on the night of graduation, its glow overwhelms me. As I give into the feeling, my heart begins to fly. The satisfaction of giving feels better than a new pair of shoes. A combination of peace and joy wells up in me. I can’t help but bounce up and down. As much as my mind wants to take, my soul longs to give. I’m glad I yielded.

While the tingle of selflessness dances on the surface of my skin. I bask in the irony of it all. The strangely inverted concept confuses me, but it doesn’t change the truth of what flows all around me.

“I did it. I gave back.”

I laugh aloud.

I’m buried and incarcerated, but my story isn’t over. I rub my belly and wonder for a moment if there is something more important for me to give up. The Center didn’t give me all the answers, but I know now, I’m like a seed, needing to be buried beneath the earth before I can truly appreciate the sun.

THE END 

Reviews

[Dawn Dreamer]

I love the message you put into this story, and I like Courtney much more that at the start of the story. I am left with a lot of questions, though. Is Jackson still alive? Do they get out of the Bunker? What happens to the baby- is it a girl or a boy and what is Courtney going to call it? Will she get a relationship with Mario, or even Jackson? Will she find love in the end, and make peace with her parents and sister?
Will you be making a sequel?
Congratulations on this excellent story!