Chapter 32 – “Love anything and your heart will be wrung

I bounce my foot against the bedpost. It’s hard to breathe. I’ve been tagged as aggressive in this messed-up detention center. At any moment I could be zapped by this wicked device. The reality melts into my heart. I can’t even feel disappointed. In the depths of me, I know I earned this. This is my life. My head plops back onto the pillow.

Tears flood my eyes. I can’t stop them. Can’t even wipe them away. I’ve made a huge mess of everything and now the world will know how horrible I really am. I can’t hide my crimes behind wealth or family. Entering The Center, I had some anonymity because everyone here is guilty of something. But now all the inmates have something to stare at. Branded like a cow.

A sob hiccups from my lungs and fresh tears flow. Snot runs down my nose. Jackson reaches for a tissue. He doesn’t offer to loosen my arms, but he continues to wipe my face until I regain my composure. No one in my life, except Nanny Bella has had to deal with more of my gross expectorants than this man.

“It’s okay.” Jackson’s annoying sincerity quiets my sobs. “Been a rough couple of weeks.”

I’m afraid to use my voice. The Center was no different than Daniel. He tried to destroy me, and now so were they. Maybe I do deserved to be in here, but I do not this. Not electrocution. And what about what nurse soupy-face said. I have a baby to consider. A child who might not survive the voltage. This can’t be happening. It can’t. As if to prove it, a flutter moves in my womb.

“We need to talk about what happened. If you want,” Jackson smiles, “I can come back later, after you’ve had a chance to think about things.”

I shake my head. Whatever he has to say, I want to get it over with. The worst has occurred. The only punishment left is to put me in the underground shelter. I make eye contact without hesitation. Go ahead, you can’t scare me anymore if you tried.

“I’m not trying to scare you.” Jackson stands up and paces beside the bed. “Before your meltdown, counseling was optional. Now, it’s no longer a choice.”

Big surprise. Big freaking surprise. My lips twist to the side. I never wanted to sit with a counselor and complain about my mother. I’m not into that poor-me junk. When they presented the idea to me, I told them to take a flying leap. Any pretense of freedom was over now. Let someone else run the show. I focus on the shadow Jackson’s body casts on the opposite wall. It is as real as anything else in the room.

“You’ve been assigned to Dr. Maggie.”

He seems to wait for a reaction, but I don’t have one. I don’t know anything about the counselors. I never needed to.

“She’s not the easiest person on campus.”

I want to ask if the woman is worse than Rowena. But I don’t. Apathy has crept up my arm from The Bracelet and now beats in my heart.

“You’ll visit her every day, like an additional class in your schedule.”

My right arm itches. I rub it against the mattress. 

Jackson taps the metal frame at the end of the bed. He frowns. Then finally he turns to leave, before changing his mind. “Courtney.”

I exhale a heavy sigh.

He ignores it. “You don’t have to tell me, but I was wondering. Did something happen at the church that bothered you?”

I don’t answer. He has no right to ask me about Daniel, besides it wouldn’t do any good to bring it up. Not even Dr. Maggie can make me talk about Daniel’s note. Jackson’s shadow stretches tall against the wall.

“Never mind,” he says, “I got my answer.” He doesn’t look back. He and his shadow move toward the door.

“Wait.” The word cracks from my throat, making me sound desperate.

He turns. “Yes?” His face is filled with so much compassion and hope that I feel bad for the urgency in my voice. He thought I changed my mind. I didn’t, but I feel bad that he’s not getting what he wants. Why does he have to be so freaking handsome? Stupid heart. I shake my head slightly and get back to the reason I stopped him.

“Aren’t you going to untie me?” I look down at the restraints.

“Those are preventative.” He leans against the door frame and lifts one eyebrow.

“I can’t hurt anyone now without being tasered.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“What?” I whine. “I won’t hurt anybody. Besides, I’m done with all that.” And I’m being truthful. The fight and fire inside of me has dissolved. Fisher might not be intimidated by The Bracelet, but I am.

“What about yourself?” Jackson asks.

“Excuse me?”

“Do you want to hurt yourself?”

“No.” If my hands were free, I would lift them in surrender. I’m not suicidal.

“How can I be sure? How can any of us be sure?”

What can I say? I’m stunned. To be honest I’ve always thought too much of myself to ever consider death. My home lacked the love of a father or boyfriend, but I never blamed myself.

“Look, I want to remove these restraints, but I need a good reason.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing, for now. There are three other kids I need to visit. I’ll come back after I’m done. If you can convince me that you’re safe, I’ll remove the straps.” He tips his head to the side to emphasize his point. He leaves me alone dragging his shadow along the wall with him.