Chapter 17 – “To say 'I love you'

When the hour-long, Christian concert ends, I feel like I’ve been to a circus and watched three motorcycles speed around a metal sphere. As a kid I was intrigued and frightened at the same time, some deep part of my psyche wanted to join the show. But seriously. I’m not eleven anymore. I don’t believe in magic or God. I refuse to fly high above the sky without a net.

Then I remember Daniel came. How could I have forgotten? It must have been the music. Weeks without outside stimulation. Weeks without anything close to normal. The words of the song were foreign, but not the rip of the guitar and the thump of the drums. The moment transfixed me, called me to join and relax. And stupid me, I did, I relaxed. Relaxed so much that I forgot about Daniel and Mario and the baby. I even forgot about Jackson, until he dashes up the aisle to me.

“I hope you liked it, Courtney.” His smile glows. “Trust me, it makes The Center more manageable.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer. Instead he rushes over to a group of happy inmates.  I search the shifting people for Mario. I need to thank him and get out of this circus tent before Daniel Orbach decides to find me. I stand on my tip-toes as people pass by, but there’s no sign of the short Latino. I turn to leave and I find myself face to face with Daniel.

I rub my hands across my khakis.

“Hey, Courtney. You look good.” He extends his hand.

His warm fingers hug mine, but our palms don’t touch. Wrapped in the circle of his clasp, I feel a folded piece of paper. A secret note. I bite my bottom lip. Secret notes are forbidden at The Center, but Daniel couldn’t know that. My heart accelerates. I turn from his gaze and spot Mario on stage near the piano.

“I’ve got to go.”

Daniel’s strong hand slides from mine, leaving the note behind. I transfer the forbidden message to my back pocket as I push myself toward the front of the room. Daniel came to see me. It seems impossible, yet here the evidence burns a hole in the pocket of my pants.

People file out of the building, Mario with them. In fact, he’s with a group of people. I certainly don’t feel like approaching him now. The last thing I want to do is give him an awkward public thank you. No, I’ll have to find him on another day, another time.

This wasn’t how this day was supposed to be. I should have followed my original instinct to stay as far away from The Chapel as possible. I don’t believe in God and coming here only mocked Him. Unless…

All the air in the room drifts out with the crowd.

An orange hue streamed in from the open door as I sit on a pew.

Unless, Nanny Bella’s Baby Jesus has been watching. I have no doubt she’s counting out her rosary beads for me. Maybe Mario’s rescue was divinely ordained. I mean, Daniel Orbach, of all people, came to The Center to see me. Over 2,000 miles. And this couldn’t have been his first time, I’ve been here for weeks. A ton of them. Well really only four, but still. He came. Uncle John promised a visitor. Did Daniel go to him? Ask him where I was? Mostly, I wonder if Daniel is sorry for the way he treated me.

I stuff my hand into the pocket with the note. Maybe it’s an apology. He’s a huge part of the reason I’m in this place. But what would that mean? Seriously. Does he think he can take back his actions from last fall? Only way to find out was to read the note.

Two blinking cameras watch me, so I lean forward and grab one of the Bibles. At the same time, with my body blocking the camera, I slip the note from my pocket into the book. I have no idea if I pull it off, but I can’t look up at the camera now, or that would look suspicious.

I prop the book on my knees and take a deep breath. I put my finger on the page like a first-grader and scan the letters one by one. P-R-O-V-E-R-B-S, the numbers 6:16-19 are written in Daniel’s bold script. A poem? A mantra? What?

The cross above me offers no clue to this odd note. Neither does the octangular room or the band equipment. I lean forward and study the opposite wall wondering exactly where a clue like this might reside. I have to find out what would make Daniel spend his summer in the mountains of Colorado just to pass a cryptic message to me. He had to have spent the last few weeks here. He had to. There were no coincidences that big. Seriously, the fact that he’s here on the one day I wander into this mystical place. No. He’s been coming. That’s for sure.

I sit back.

There’s another clue here for sure. I don’t worry that Daniel’s got me caught in his web again. Why should I? It’s not like he can lure me into his BMW. Although, if it is parked outside, I’d get in just the same. But that’s not it. It’s something else. I smile. This is fun. There’s another clue here, there has to be.

And I’m not wrong. On the wall on my left is a carved wooden plaque that says, “And You Will Know The Truth, And That Truth Will Set You Free. John 8:32” My heart thumps a little harder. The numbers on that quote are exactly like the ones on my page, separated by a colon.

I can’t read a matching plaque two panels over. But I can see that there is a quote on every other wall of the eight-sided room. I turn around. Over my left shoulder the words, “Weeping May Endure For a Night, But Joy Comes in The Morning. Psalms 30:5.”

Joy is right. I slap my hand on the Bible in my lap. That’s it. The secret note that Daniel wants me to read is from the Bible. This book, the one I hold in my hands.