Fear

A Story by Lily

This is a rough draft of a short story I was working on for school

I was walking through the halls of Thomas James Middle school. I was new to the school and it was the beginning of 2nd quarter. At my locker, there was a girl in front of it. When I got to my locker she said in a very sappy sweet tone “Hi, my name is Jezebel.” I told her quietly and somewhat nervously, not making eye contact “Hello, my name is Julia, I believe that this is my locker that you are standing in front of.” Jezebel responded in a very snarky tone, not at all like the first time she spoke: “Well you must be mistaken because this is my locker.” I was too scared to argue with her so I just went to the first period with my bag heavy with books.

It was lunch time and I saw Jezebel in the dining hall and since I had no friends I decided to sit down with her. I have always found lunch difficult because I have an eating disorder called anorexia. The basic idea is that I think that I am fat and so I try and starve myself to lose weight. So when I sat down with Jezebel I started to pick at my food, not eating anything like usual. Jezebelle started pretending to be nice and friendly and started asking me how I was so thin, what diet I was on, stuff like that. I hadn’t quite even accepted my anorexia yet, much less tried to tell anyone, and so I dropped my tray of uneaten food and ran. I ran all the way to the bathroom where I proceeded to vomit the nothing I had eaten for the past week. I just hid in there crying until the bell rang. 5th period came and went, and so did 6th period. Then during 7th period, a teacher came in calling “Julia, Julia, are you in here?” Eventually, I summoned up the courage to say “Yes I am in here” then she said, “Well will you please come out?” I waited another couple of minutes, and then I finally regained my composure and stepped out of the small stall I was hiding in. When I came out I found out that it was Mrs. Benjamin, the guidance counselor. She crouched down to my level and asked if I would like to come to her office and wipe my tears and have some ice cream. When she mentioned ice cream I immediately burst into tears again.

Once she had calmed me down enough; we went up to her office and begun to talk, and that is when everything came spilling out. About my anorexia (she was the first person I actually told about it to), about Jezebel, and about everything, as I talked I knew that she was listening because she was nodding and responded when necessary. When I was done spilling about everything that had happened, she suggested that what I might need is a friend. I said, “Okay, but I am not sure how to do that.” She told me that she had a son named Matthew who is in my class and likes some of the things I like. I agreed to it somewhat reluctantly. Then the final bell rang and guess who walked into the office. You guessed it, Matthew. When he saw me he stopped. Now that I think about it I must have been a mess, I had tears down my face and because of the anorexia, I was always a very small person. Then he walked right up and sat down next to me on the couch. I could tell that he was friendly because he came up right next to me, he didn’t stand far away. Then Mrs. Benjamin introduced us and went to her meeting. We talked for almost an hour until I realized that I had my riding lesson soon. When I started to gather up my things, he said: “Wait where are you going?” I told him that I had a riding lesson, and he was completely surprised . He said “Really, where do you ride?” Then I told him where I rode and it turned out that he rode there also, just on a different day.

As it turned out we both had horses and so we rode for hours, laughing and talking. When I first got on my horse, he looked surprised because my horse was 17 hands tall. After we finished riding, he pulled me aside and told me “You are amazing, I was surprised and somewhat nervous, because you are a smaller girl, but no you handled him very well.” I decided that I would like to tell him about my anorexia, and so I suggested that we go up to the hay loft and talk. It all came spilling out, I talked about my anorexia for longer than I had ever talked about anything before, and he listened and didn’t interrupt. I felt like he heard me. We talked about school, I told him secrets that I had never told anyone about before.

The next day at school we hung out all day. We sat together in every class, we sat together at lunch and talked. I even ate a carrot. Then we went to the barn and rode for 2 hours. After that, we went back up to the hay loft and did our homework, studied for tests, that kind of thing. We talked for another hour, and then we called my mom to come pick us up. This continued for the rest of our time until college. By the time we went to college I had overcome my anorexia. We ended up living together and stayed friends. We rode together and showed together.

At one show something happened, my horse spooked when we were jumping and I fell off I was in a coma for 2 weeks. When I woke up I got some bad news. I was paralyzed from the waist down. After I learned that I fell into a state of depression, my anorexia came back. Matthew sat by my side every day. For six months I lay in that bed. After six months they brought in a wheelchair and told me we were going for a drive. I agreed reluctantly, but I agreed. We drove for an hour, Matthew bought me ice cream (which I ate to please him), then we turned around and Matthew took me somewhere familiar. We were at the farm. He got me out and put me in the wheelchair (at this point I was light enough for him to lift me into my wheelchair). He took me down to the barn and told me to wait there. While I was waiting all of my friends from the barn came out and we talked and laughed. Then Matthew came out and guess who he had, my horse Peregrine. I was overjoyed I had a goal to motivate me, to ride my horse.

I worked as long and as hard on my goal as I could. My buddy Peregrine motivated me to work. A week before I was going to go back to the barn and attempt to ride Peregrine again. I got sick, the anorexia and depression were back. I would vomit bile up, I was vomiting the emptiness up, there was nothing in my stomach. So that plan backfired but Matthew surprised me, I know that we had never dated or anything but we had both grown to love each other. He proposed to me. My goal changed a little bit, my goal now was to be able to ride Peregrine down the aisle at my wedding.

I actually met up with Matthew’s mom again. She volunteered to take me dress shopping, and I agreed. It was totally like magic, you see I wasn't looking forward to dress shopping because I couldn’t stand up and see how I looked. The first dress I tried on was perfect, oh and I was still small and light enough that Mrs. Benjamin could hold me up so I could see myself in the mirror.

I met my goal and on the day before the wedding Mrs. Benjamin (who I now call Sarah), asked if I would like to go out to the barn and groom Peregrine, and then go get my hair done at the salon. I never turn down an offer to go to the barn, but the salon I was a little hesitant about. I had only been out in public once since my accident, to buy my dress. I agreed, though, I had been wondering what I was going to do with my long blonde hair. I had gotten stuff to braid Peregrines dark mane and tail. So we went to the barn and did that. After we had spent time at the barn we went out to lunch at my favorite place. Then we went to the salon. I got my hair done in this pretty curly braid. Then we went and picked up my dress.

It was the day of the wedding and the owner of the barn called me and asked if I could get out here right away. Of course, I was concerned because only bad things are urgent. When we got there the vet was already there. The vet being there triggered a concern in my brain, but I didn’t show it. When we got out of the car Matthew carried me like always down to the field. As soon as we started walking down to the field I saw something laying in a cover of trees. It was Peregrine. Right away I hid my face in Matthews' arms and started crying. I didn’t know what to do, should we still have the wedding that day or try to call everyone and tell them that we were going to postpone the wedding. We decided to postpone it for six months, then it would even be in the summer.

Six months later, I had gotten another horse and he looked almost exactly like Peregrine, he was black and 17 hands, and I named him Junior. It was an amazing wedding, I was able to ride Junior down the aisle and it was outside, we had lots of flowers and I feel like everyone forgot about my paralysis.

After the wedding, I went back to school to become a counselor. We learned about communication and the different types of Verbal, Facial, and Body communication. I enjoyed being a counselor, I think that I wanted to be a counselor because of Matthews mom.

Over the years, my anorexia and depression have come and gone. One time it was really bad was when we were trying to have a baby and we just couldn't get pregnant. Eventually, we got pregnant and the depression went away and so did the anorexia. After my daughter Skye was born the anorexia got bad again, I felt so bad because I had to be hospitalized on several occasions and missed the first time Skye crawled, said mama, and walked, after she was one I overcame my anorexia for good.

Looking back on my life I realize that I was able to overcome my injury, anorexia, and depression. Now my injury does not define me, my wheelchair is an extension of my body. I am so glad Matthew and I got married and had Skye, and that she loves horses as much as I love horses. I love my job as a counselor. I am really thankful for Mrs. Benjamin (Sarah), I think that if you look at it a certain way, she saved my life. I am thankful for my horse Junior. I am thankful for my life.