A Series of Indecisive Decisions and Decisive Commentary

A Story by L S

Read about my mistakes to feel better about yours!

A SERIES OF INDECISIVE DECISIONS AND DECISIVE COMMENTARY

It felt like one of those times where you recollect on all that has happened, all that has been lost and all that has been loved. It was a moment where I felt so vulnerable and helpless due to the fact that the things that I could not change were the things i wanted to change most. To live and let go was merely just a dream waiting for me on the pillow as reality mocked it at the edge of the bed. Mocked it’s optimistic ideology and picked it apart piece by piece. And though despite the despondent truths that reality held and pulled at my feet, I still dreamed about those fortunate enough to leave. I just hadn’t found the courage to do so myself.

01 // What is wrong and what is a right: A discrepancy

There is always a wrong to every right action you make and for the longest time I couldn’t wrap my head around that. The dynamic of cause and effect can be a be a perplexing dynamic especially in particular situations. Situations ever so complex that any decision you make will make you want to bang your head against the wall and pull your hair out because you can’t help but question if that was really the right thing to do. The decisions that can break up families and ruin moral.

Now there isn’t much you can do when you’re on the sidelines watching everything unravel before your very eyes and as it is happening you don’t understand it is happening. When father and mother fight and your older sister, your best friend even takes your hand and guides you to your shared room and shuts the door abruptly. Their fights never got out of hand. If anything it was just loud arguing. But even so, for a very young girl that was frightening. You lean your head against her chest as she covers your ears and kisses your forehead. You feel safe in her tiny arms and you begin to feel more at ease when she distracts with the toys you both share. When the fighting dies down and most of the tension is lost, you’d go back to watching tv in the living room as if nothing had happened.

Granted you do not remember much from when you were so young but you can remember the way certain things felt when nostalgia kissed your head. You remember when the arguments had stopped for good and Daddy didn’t look as disgruntled. You remember waiting at the door each night for mommy to come home and you surely remember the feeling of when it was time to go to bed and she hadn’t shown. You remember asking Daddy where mommy went but you can’t remember the excuse he told you. You remember hating the strange lady he invited over on numerous occasions and being outraged by her presence even though she was nice and took care of you better than your mom had ever done. Eventually you all got used to this way of life, stable. You got used being exposed to how relationships were supposed to be. And despite the mean kids who would relentlessly belittle you at school you could count on going home to your new and improved family.

But the worst part that you remember was how it felt to have mother come back after a while, after a new foundation was built, after all those nights of sobbing into father’s chest, she had return to only leave once again.

As you grew older you understood the situation more each time it was explained to you. You understood her reasons for leaving but could not find any part of you that could respect it. You weren’t so naive when you’d ask her about it and she’d give you a different reason each time. There was no stigma when she would guilt you for asking and there certainly wasn’t an apology that came with it unless you asked for one. Although you were no longer ignorant to the fact as to why she left, it still hurt when father told you she said “I never wanting any of this, I never wanted this life…”. But her words aren’t what hurt you most. What hurt most the conscious decision to come back because she felt like she had to and all the actions she carried out prior were because she thought she had to. She tainted the words “I love you”.

Now, getting back to the prompt at hand, the fact that she thought she was making the right decisions the whole time affected her family immensely and still does to this day. The decisions that are right for ourselves are not always the right ones for the people you surround yourself with.

02 // This is the part where minor mistakes take place

And those decisions are initiated by a disruptive mindset. A mindset that is formed from past mistakes that aren’t always your own and the environments you’ve been exposed to. We were all once innocent and as Robert Frost says “Nothing gold can stay”.

Now imagine that innocent girl almost grown up. She’s precious, she’s witty, she’s different from the others her age, she is special. But most of all she is insecure and afraid. Afraid of almost everything. Making new friends, going to new places, even her family. She wasn’t raised in a hostile environment but surely she hadn’t the apple pie childhood. She grew up near the streets that were rough but had never been harmed. Harmed physically. She is afraid that she is not good enough for the ones who have stuck around and she is afraid that they will her. She expects that they will grow tired of her and when she leaves for college they will forget she exists. That is of course until the holidays come and they will act like they missed her. She is so very scared that they will leave just like her mother.

Though her mother came back to leave again and come back again and so on and so forth. She saw her on the weekends and endured each of her mother's flavor of the month. Although the flavor that left a bad taste in her mouth was there to stay. And he had his ups and his downs. She got along with him when he wasn’t telling her what to do. And when he did tell her what to do it always ended with a call home and Dad coming to pick her and her siblings up at two in the morning. But as it went on that was no longer the case and she was stuck there by her own admission. Willingly being taken in by the beast she fought back as regret. Regret would be an understatement. And though she did not fight back physically, she did fight back. Now, this where all those Minor mistakes come into play.

Now, Imagine if you were an angsty teen stuck in a situation you got yourself into thinking you could handle it but as it appeared you can't? You do what any angry teenager does, rebel. Make bad decisions to let them know you’re unhappy because d****t simple communication just isn’t enough.

This particular angry teenager rebelled by sneaking into her very first boyfriend’s room each morning to just be held and fall asleep in his arms. She wasn’t ready to be touched in such intimate ways yet. So, they just slept in each other’s arms. Morning after morning they would sleep. And she was comatosed with infatuation that she told a new friend who she thought she could trust. And when her mother found out there was certain hell to pay. But not “You’re grounded, no going out for a while” hell. It was “The feeling of walking into a room full of strangers who are conversing about you and making feeble judgement” hell. What did they want? A certificate of her virginity? It was verbal torture that she had only experienced a few times before. And I am sparing you details here, It was much worse than being described here. But she knew what she did was wrong and the trust that had been wavered before was now broke. She knew precisely that these exchanges would not be amicable.

So now that the teen is angry, hurt and severely embarrassed she decides in the spur of the moment that If they are going to assume the things that she is not then that is exactly what she will be. And she would make sure they know that she is. No, she did not give her whole body to that scumbag but she did give parts of it. And no, she did not feel better about herself, she felt disgusting and used. A feeling she has surely felt before. She knew it could only get worse from here, especially when the pile of lies continued to pile on top of each other. And in fact, she found their frustration was the most satisfying thing. She enjoyed seeing them in the familiar pain that they had put her in. She enjoyed seeing them in the fraught state they had put her in. And despite this, it was never enough for her. She wanted to see more and wanted them to feel more. She desperately wanted to make them feel the ineffable feelings they had made her feel.

But evidently it was not worth the familiar pain she felt when this boyfriend was asking for more than she was willing to give. She wasn’t as stupid as the other girls her age and refused to give in so easily, so likewise he bailed. And once again she was alone. No longer living with her siblings and father for certain support she was alone. Thus, the days were spent no longer sneaking out for a smoke or night walks to breath in cool crisp air. They were spent under the covers and on the shower floor hiding from the harsh reality she let sculpt itself around her. She was no fool, she made these decisions consciously knowing that the repercussions in the end would most likely ruin her and others around her. And yet, that did not stop her. The feeling of pure of mania seemed to be somewhat exhilarating.

03// this is where major mistakes are made

When the nights grew more restless and she sheets were never made, she grew tired of herself and the environment that surrounded her. It was no longer fun to see her mom in such pain that she caused. And it was no longer fun knowing that she could be so destructive to the one who caused her so much pain. Nothing seemed to satisfy her and ease her little weary head of repulsive dreams. That is, until one day she found someone worth leaving the bedroom for.

Now this one was not mere infatuation. This one had a face that put god’s angels themselves at shame. He had a voice that could stop wars and was as lonely as she was. But that was underneath the skin, that was what most could not see. He was one of her biggest mistakes.

He was charming and kind at first but as each month went by he was silently killing her and smiling while doing it. It started with never being able to satisfy him and make him happy so she would give herself to him. What more could he want, right? And it worked, he was happy (for the time being). And when he grew bored of her and told her he wanted something more up to his standards and that he had eyes for other girls, she dyed her hair a natural color and bought pink clothing. And when that was no longer enough for him he would cause havoc in her life to entertain himself. But when she started using the word “no” he got very angry. And despite telling him no he’d do it anyway. The word “no” was not enough as it always ended in stains on her clothes and trips to the gynecologist. But she could never admit this to herself. She could never tell anyone what had happened. She was too fixated on making him out to be the greatest she’d ever have so she brushed off such event and all the fighting behind closed doors. “It technically isn’t what it sounds like, I never stopped him.” She’d tell herself time after time. But even then no amount of showers could ever make her feel sane and nothing anyone could ever do to her would ever make her feel as disgusting as he made her feel. But he did it out of love, right?

The time came to step back and see the destruction the relationship caused. For her and the people around her. She felt suffocated being so tied to him but she loved him. She loved him so much despite knowing that he did not love her, he only loved the feeling he got with her. She loved him so much despite the bruise on her arm and the stain on her clothes. The disgusting thing is, he didn’t even realize what he had done under her sleeves. I guess that’s what makes this part ironic. And she felt so suffocated like she couldn’t leave so she made the biggest mistake of all. She loved him so much she blamed his mistakes on another human being.

She knew it was wrong to say that her bruise on her arm was not from him but when he asked her she knew he’d be broken up to realize what damage he had done. She could not stand the thought of him potentially leaving her. But that’s all he ever did, was damage. And damage was all that was done.

When mother sent her to live with her dad and cut off all communication she didn’t feel so bad. She understood that she deserved it. She deserved all of it. Every single thing that came her way. Especially after bending over backwards to create a logical explanation that didn't involve him.

04// The poets fall apart in the autumn and love in the spring but during this winter you were my favorite worst dream

This winter seemed to be colder than most but you didn’t mind inhaling the crisp air that eased the suffocating feeling. When autumn had gone away so had he in all of his “glory”. You treasured the feeling of freedom you got without him. A weight had been lifted off your shoulders. Leaving seemed to be the easy part. But nothing had been harder than seeing him hold one of your friends like he had held you a week before. And the fact that he had moved on to someone so familiar was not what stung the most. What was the stab in the back was the fact it took him merely a few days to throw everything away like it had never happened. But what even hurt more so than that was the fact that he proudly exclaimed to you that despite all that you had done and despite all the effort you put forth and all the restless nights he caused, he was finally happy. The final bullet he put in your head was the fact that he was finally happy and it wasn't because of you.

05// where are you? who are you making scared?

That scared girl had developed into an independent young lady who talked economics at the grown up’s table and annotated books for fun. She didn’t associate with people who wasted her time and had a selective group of friends. She no longer tolerated social incompetence and was honest with how she felt about about things. She did not need to feel love to feel content. She didn’t need someone to call her beautiful to get her through the day. Whilst she would like those things she believed they were worth waiting for and would no longer chase after it.

That young lady had developed into a scared girl in a completely different way before. She rested her head each night to her pillow and thought of all the the conversations she had and how she could have done them better. She no longer sang in the shower as she was afraid someone would hear her and laugh. She no longer wore tight close to show off her curvy body. She didn’t feel the need to compete with her siblings in looks because she knows that she is the least attractive of the bunch. You can hear a sarcastic comment come out of her mouth every now and then but she merely speculates in her head. She constantly feels suffocated by her anxieties that won’t free her. She does not feel comfortable anymore and 900 mg of Lithium just does not seem to cut it. .

But you could never tell unless you dig real deep.

Whilst feeling so disposed to the fact that she felt as if she was inferior she knew that she of the bunch was held in a higher regard in some aspect. Some days she really did feel like she was wasn’t so awkward looking and her little lips suited her quite well. Some days she felt as though she wasn’t only brains and wit. Some days she felt like she was so much more than that.

05// A walk in the park

The Kind Of Monsters That Don’t Sleep

"You don’t feel it when you sleep
That must be why addicts abuse,
The ones who refuse

Refuse to lay their weary head to the pillow because they are too stubborn to cry
Despite how they actually feel,
The way they feel dead inside

Refuse to cry to appease the need of feeling in control
Notwithstanding they are the ones to console

You don’t come face to face with the monsters under the bed when you sleep
But still they avoid pillows each and every night
And ever so slightly glancing at their closet door
To make sure the monsters return nevermore

Hiding under the sheets makes them feel a sense of control
Something that is valuable when you have no more extol

You don’t see the shadows on your bedroom walls when you sleep
They gracefully dance their way into your repulsive dreams
A hand on your thigh and the other around your mouth

You live them even when you sleep
You feel their calloused hands
Their hot breath on your neck
And the voice that makes you unravel

And you always wake up a wreck."

Now, this young lady has attained a job and has an agenda now. She no longer wastes her time in her room alone and on the fools who never took her seriously. Things were easier than before. They were a walk in the park despite all the commentary and emotions she had brewing inside her that no one would ever get to see or hear.

That is until one winter night no one was there to drive her to work and she spent too much time on her makeup trying to look presentable. It wasn’t that cold to her and she figured she get there at least by sun down. However, she didn’t worry about walking in the dark because she always had the on going traffic and street lights to illuminate her way. An hour is all it would take to get there. What’s the worst that could happen, she thought. She’s such a smart girl you’d expect her to have better judgment especially living in an area like that.

It didn’t take long for the worst to happen. Especially when the cars were all gone and there were no streetlights to save her. She hadn’t beat the sun and was tortured by the night. It didn’t take much to be overpowered as she is a little being. It didn’t take much to be paralyzed by the hot breath on her neck and the physical pain she felt inside her. And once again a familiar feeling returned. A feeling that twinged inside her that she would constantly suppress. A feeling that made her sick to her stomach and weak at the knees. A feeling that she felt too many times before in her life.

When it was over she just stood there, leaned back against the gate in which she was pushed into. Fly undone, shirt no longer tucked in, and tears brimming her eyes. She swore to herself that night she wouldn’t cry. She told herself she would not cry. She cried. She cried and cried and cried on the side walk alone. She cried so hard she puked on the pavement. And when she continued on to her destination she continued to cry.

No amount of showers could ever make her feel sane. She didn’t want to talk about it, she didn't want to think about it. But she lived it each night in her head. And not only that, but she relived the other times too. And she could hear the sounds each made and feel their hands in the places they shouldn’t be. She lived this over and over again but all at once. She told herself it was okay to cry this time.

06// 3:00 AM

Three in the morning is when the restless don’t sleep and the insomniacs live. She was a restless one with all the tainted thoughts in her head. She had so many opinions and ideas and no one she deemed worthy enough to share them with. She wanted someone who was worthy enough to share those thoughts with. She didn’t wait on hand and foot for someone who would be enough for her but she’d like to think that someone was thinking of her when their head hit the pillow.

She thinks about the conscious decisions she has made and the standard she has put up- she questions it all. All of it. In the society she lives in there is few who would want a girl with such standards, it’s apparently an incredibly condescending thing to want to be treated decently. I guess misogyny is a really big thing in the 21st century. But even then, she refused to be treated so badly ever again. Even if that meant being alone for long periods of time then so be it. The only person she was gonna let hurt her was herself.

And here’s the thing, that girl had come to the realize that she didn’t need a lover to be happy.

07// Sun and moon complex

“A Song For The NIght”

"Darling we're the things that roam in the night sky
You're the moon and stars patiently waiting until I fall apart
I'm like the sun, I cannot be touched nor loved
All you do now is admire me from afar, hoping to not get burned in a fiery haze
It all burns for you ablaze

If I could fall apart to the sound of your heart beat, I'd give you every part of me
If I could fall asleep to your voice smiling as you say my name, I'd burn out just so you
could touch me

In which I, the sun loved you, the moon so much I died every night to let you breathe
To ignite your celestial being

if I ask nicely will you not break my heart tonight
If I ask nicely would you burn brighter than the beams that shine through a skylight
And if I asked nicely would you sing me to sleep before each night ends
If I asked nicely would you kiss me goodnight
A conflagrant kiss to fluorescent skin

You languish to feel the rush
Your anguish burns out your light

Candles in the night sky
They never seemed so bright

But tonight you're a million and one
You're the heavens
You're an ocean of distant suns

One day I'll be dancing on the moon
One day, one day real soon

When the light beacons once again
You move swiftly only to descend
The lavender shades, trose haze
As sunlight turned the night to day
Though you seem so far away I feel you move closer to me each and every day"

Now this poem/song could be taken a number of ways and I wrote so it could pertain to everyone in some way or another. I didn't write it about romance or missing someone. The metaphor was getting closer to a piece of mind/happiness. But as I said before it’s a kind of poem where everyone perceives it differently and it will have a different meaning to every person who reads it. My hope was that it would be the kind of work that you’d think about when you can’t sleep. My hope was that it would make some kind of impact on at least one person. And you know what, it did have impact on one person- myself. I am an incredibly pessimistic, bitter, old man-like young lady but even then I am proud of who I have become and take responsibility for the choices I make. At such a young age I am no longer scared of being happy and being content with myself despite how others treat self fulfilment in this day and age. I am who I am and I am proud of who I am. But most importantly, happiness and being content is something that I encourage in everyone, especially myself. And with each step I take in my life I am certainly getting closer to that. With each step I take I'm no longer afraid to be happy.

08 // An Overdue Apology

For those who I have hurt and mistreated I deeply apologize. For the ones who are not in my life, there’s probably a reason why you're gone even if the reason was because I am a dumbass at times. This vignette is not to kiss the a*s of the ones who I have done wrong but to merely compensate and just apologize.

So, I am deeply sorry and I hope we can make amends one day. And if not, I respect that.

Now the woman I seem to detest on some level but simultaneously admire deserves a long overdue apology. An apology I should have given her at twelve years old. From the bottom of my heart, I so very sorry for making your life a living hell and enjoying every second of it. I am so very sorry for being selfish and not realizing that I wasn't only hurting you. I am so very sorry for acting out because I couldn't stand the fact that you never loved me like a mother should have but ultimately that's not your fault. I am so sorry for saying those things that I said and I'm so sorry for those lies that I told. Mom, I am so sorry. You have done so much and yet so little at the same time and I don't think I have ever stopped and told you that I loved you and that I appreciate you. I know it's much too late to say these things but regardless of timing I do mean them as much as I don't want to admit it, I will always mean them. I have been a terrible daughter to you. I deserve everything coming my way. I'm sorry and thank you.

And for those of you who have done me wrong I’d like to thank you. I want to thank you for showing me what I don’t want in a relationship or friendship. Thank you for showing me what hurt feels like. Thank you for letting the voice in the back of mind that says “this is a terrible idea” know that it was really a terrible idea. You’re a terrible idea. I’d like to thank you for showing me how I’m not supposed to be treated but most of all, thank you for showing me how strong I am.

(So strong that I was able to tolerate your b***h a*s for eight whole months. )

Thank you very f*****g much.