PART I: Chapter I

There are times I wish that I could sleep. I’ve heard that it is a human’s ultimate way to escape from reality, fear, the truth, for when one sleeps they are encased in their own personal sanctuary. I unfortunately have not been graced with this luxurious habit. I have to suffer. If there is a heaven, and an almighty soul reigns over all life, I understand if they wreck havoc upon my soul, tormenting me so. If I even have a soul…

 

I recognize that my sorrow is my fault alone, and it haunts me everyday. As I live life, if I can even be considered a living being, I’m being constantly reminded of sorrow and its victim. Pain pieces my being, scattering from my feet and swelling inside my head, infecting my mind, controlling my thoughts, not letting me go, not letting me be free. I feel her warm touch upon my hand, her lips that graze mine, and my mind that spun once. The unforgiving thirst that I had learned to control, that I had tossed aside like a child who tosses a old toy away, knowing that no matter how hard they try to use it, their would be no passion, no happiness in the end.

 

I see her laugh, her smile, and her shining eyes knowing all too well that memories is all that I own of her now, and it sickens me so. My memories unfold the tale of our beginning. The first time I saw her and, with a laugh that shakes me, the thirst I felt, the hate that I felt for her, how this simple human girl could possibly affect my whole lifestyle and waste my hard-earned control.

 

I see her lying next to me in the meadow, her eyes filled with a love that reflected in my eyes. I remember feeling tormented then too, knowing that I was taking her too far in, and now I was sure if could pull out, at least, without her harming herself. I was leading her down a path she didn’t understand. A path filled with self-hate, misunderstandings, and heartbreaking endings. A path that meant for most of my kind that they must do and kill whatever it takes to survive. I didn’t know then that I was never different then those who hunted guiltless humans…

 

I have always been egotistical, especially with my feelings. I kept luring her into her fate, hoping that maybe everything would be all right. Being striking creatures to them made my actions straightforward as with a smile that could bring her in. Her emotions for me were blinding her, showing her nothing but me. I realized as we stood there by her truck, her lips touching mine, the force that brought us together, I knew it was too late…

 

That fateful day, when my sister promised she’d be okay, our lovely parting and a sheer future of hope together, was shattered in a mere minute. I remember a blinding and fierce determination to reach her in time, praying that I’d make it. Carlisle told me to calm down, that going there wasn’t going to help. I didn’t understand him, he told my to sit down. I refused rashly. I began yelling at him, telling him he didn’t understand and other nonsense. That was the only time Carlisle had to be strict with me. The others helped blockade me, and he faced only held the look of sadness as he told me the one thing I absolutely did not want to hear. I was frozen for some time and after I recovered, I broke through the others and sped out the door, my body and mind felt numb, broken. I ran until I felt concealed and there I dropped to my knees my body shaking. I wailed to the moon like a wolf that cried for its lost love ones. I hopped my family didn’t try to follow me, for I would never want them to see this side of me. So after a few days I returned home. Everyone noticed the difference. They didn’t try to start conversation or even look at me; they knew to well I was still too shocked to respond. Esme was the only one who openly tried to comfort me. He hugs provided little, but she represented all of them and that they would stand by my side. I felt numb and knew that even if they did stand by my side, I would have to hurt them, and that night I left.

 

Carlisle found me, wasting away. I had made it all the way to Alaska and by all the means settled the most perilous environment there was. I hadn’t drank in almost three months and my body was weak, my mind a mere stupor. I recognized him through weary eyes, my face blue from the animosity of the chill. If I were human still, I would have perished. Even being myself, another couple of months would have put me out of my misery, but misery loves company, and if I hadn’t been so disoriented I would have fought against the hands that tenderly lifted me from the ground, cradling me like a child who was exhausted to the degree that it couldn’t lift its head.

 

I could hear them all beside me as I lay in the exact bed she slept in so many moons ago. I promised myself I would never use it and Carlisle promised to keep it hidden. I was angry and as I jerked myself upward I felt drained and I swayed before Alice caught me. I looked at her and saw something in her eyes that made my anger evaporate. I looked at the others and saw they all held the same emotion. They were concerned and hurt. I swallowed and looked at Carlisle, however hard it was. His expression showed concern but also understanding. It made me angry again. I felt angry and ashamed. They could tell by my expression I wanted to be alone and Esme shortly expressed they’d were there if needed. I watched her saunter away and close the door. I looked out the window and noticed that it was pitch black outside, the moon hidden, leaving the sky lonely. I was reminded how it felt to be without my shining moon, and then I remembered my family’s faces and I instantly felt ashamed of myself. I didn’t have to speak more loudly than a whisper and he was there.

 

“I’m sorry.” I muttered not looking at him.

 

An embrace followed my words and I felt overwhelmed suddenly. The love that poured out him reminded me that even if we weren’t actually related, I felt the grounded relief of his presence. My father, who had saved me now thrice times from death, I had let down, thinking that my absence wouldn’t be missed. I was attached to him more than all the others. We had found comfort in one another and survived together. I was one he chose to serve him as a friendly partner, his first choice.

 

“I need help.” I confessed.

 

“Yes, I know. I was thinking the whole time you were gone, worrying what had become of you and if you were still alive. I kept hoping that you would return but after three weeks I knew it was time I took action.”

 

“Thank you.” That’s all I could say, that’s all I would ever have to say.

 

He nodded before adding, “Since your situation requires no revenge, lucky as you are even if you don’t accept it, the only way to help yourself is to move on.”

 

Anger flared inside of me. “What? You’re asking me to forget about her?” I shouted in disbelief.

 

Carlisle shook his head. “No Edward, I would never ask such a thing. What I’m trying to say is you need not to forget but continue life as it was.”

 

“How?” My lips trembled and my body shook. The agony swept over me once more. “How can I go on without her? Everything I knew was with her.”

 

“Do something that gets your mind off of her.” Carlisle gently said.

 

“Like what?” I snorted.

 

“You could work at the hospital with me. I know you know how to use many of my tools as you have watched me for nearly a century now.”

 

I pondered over his suggestion. I seemed like a logical idea. It would come easy for me, seeing as I did know how to use a needle pretty well.

 

“Aren’t we leaving soon though?”

 

“Alaska can wait a few weeks. I have to finish up my work there first. But yes, we will be leaving soon.”

 

I stared at him awhile, deciding.

 

“When can I start?”

 

“Tomorrow if you’d like.” He smiled.

 

I agreed.