cryptic writing #5

caught myself in a daydream while standing in line at a mcdonalds

i still remember the gleam in her eyes...
.. the sparkle in her face .... .
the way she smelled.
the way in which she moved me.
... .. the crease where her top and bottom lips touched...
. .. .oh. ..... ooohhhhhhhh those angel soft lips.
her top lip. so fine... ..
so sharp and fine it would slice through butter..... ... but better, my heart.
. .. her bottom lip, pouting.. ... .
i remember.. . off in a daze, longing, MUCH like now... to watch her talk,
lost in those lips ... .. oblivious. .. .
oblivious to everything.

angel soft her porcelain skin.
tiny hands... so soft... .
she was everything.
my mind would flutter in and out.... .
.. . day dreams and living in the moment.
i remember the way she fluttered her eyes.....
. .. the innocence .. . the elegance.
tangled up and we'd miss the rain,
pounding on the roof...
my heart would pound me down for her.... .
her eyes glistened like the sun caught in the mornings mist...
.. so bright and sad... .
i'd long for her so long i'd thought i'd died,
and really,
at times,
for love....
it felt like i did.

i'd watch from a far as the tears rolled down my cheeks..... .
counting the clicks of the clock.. .
clicks that ate away at my soul... .
until i felt her warm embrace again.
the wholeness.
the way she felt right in my arms,
the way she made the world go away,
the way her hair felt pressed against the side of my face.... ..
. .. she made silence comfortable.. ..
and the loneliness feel warm.. . . . . . .....
to feel the warmth.. .
. . .. . .. ..

Author's Note

from a series of writings that i really couldn't title individually. it was written on a napkin inside a mcdonalds on august 24, 2oo4 and is part of a complete chapter in 'stories of loss and love'

Reviews

[dorkfish]

you are just an amazing writer... i ask you to please post more of your work. You have this amazing ability to acpture the emotion, the want and need of the person you are speaking of, and you have rather good imagery... please post more.
(and the fact that it was written inside a mcdonalds is just awesome, i wouldnt expect such a beutiful piece to be coming from that sort of a place.)

[Autumn's Child]

This is definitely breathtaking. You have captured your emotions, from your heart to a napkin to here. Reading this, I could feel the utter tearing of your heart not being with her, loving her so desperately. Thank you for letting us all read something this beautiful.

[Sydelle Houston]

I like the strength of the words in your poem, however the ellipses take something away from it somehow. Commas word just as well.
Nicely done.