Chapter 1- Karma's a biyotch

   Amber McKinley sat up on the morning of October 31st, her dead son's birthday. She slowly maneuvers out of bed to the nightstand and glances in the mirror. In disgust, she turns away from the puffy eyed, split ends troll who looks back at her. She slowly walks down the hall towards her son, Toby's room. When she gets there, she sees that her daughter, Marissa, must have climbed in bed with him last night as they were huddled closely together. That's when Amber fell to the floor in a fit of sobs.
   "Mommy? Why are you crying like that?" asked her now oldest son, Toby.
   "Well, honey. Sometimes people can't fight the urge to cry any longer and just need to let it all out. But enough about me. Aren't you excited! It's Halloween!!!" she tried to look happy for him.
   "No. Of course I'm not excited. MY BROTHER DIED ON THIS VERY DAY ONLY TWO YEARS AGO! HE DIDN'T EVEN DIE, HE WAS KILLED!!!! HOW COULD THAT EXCITE ME?" he questioned rapidly. It all came out slurred from his battle of holding back the tears as he screamed at her. The tears won.
   "Mommy, can we please go to the sem-se-teary to wish happy birthday to Joey?" asked Marissa as she slowly arose from Toby's bed. Marissa, at three years old, wasn't very good at pronunciation. She didn't understand the concept of death either. She goes to the cemetery sometimes just to talk to her DEAD brother. It breaks Amber's heart to see her daughter react this way.
   "Of course we can sweetie. And then we can go trick-or-..." she got cut off when her cell phone chirped from her purse in the other room. She smiled faintly and walked out of the bedroom, toward the living room. She wasn't in the mood to talk to her boss or any workers today. They were the only people who had her number. They also knew that it was a holiday-the holiday... when she lost Joey. However, when she looked down at the screen, she had one new text message from an unknown number. She hit the button that said "READ" and as she read it, her heart sped up as the realization set in. She was wrong about who this was.

Am- Wow, this day must SUCK for you!!! I mean, it was the day you lost your little son. He was, what, three at the time? Now he would have been five. You must think you did nothing to deserve this, right? Well do us all a favor and cut the crap. We both know what you did that night. And just between you and me, you really did deserve losing Joey. Stop lying to yourself because I see right through you. You are such a horrible liar. That's okay though because I have kept this secret of yours for two years too many, and now, I'm telling.

-J.J

   As Amber's heart began palpitations, she reread the message. She called Joey, J.J...

Author's Note

Hope you like the first chapter!!!

Reviews

[rayven]

I agree with Dingo, you have your tenses confused and it makes the story confusing.
Also, I feel like a three year old wouldn't be able to relate their crying and talk of death to going to a cemetery. I know a lot of three year olds and they're not that intelligent. So maybe she should be a bit older?
The text is a good reader "pull-in" though. It makes me excited to know what she did and what the unknown person is talking about. It's not bad, at all.
I actually like it, there are just a couple minor things that need to be changed just to make it more realistic and less complicated.

Keep writing :D

[Dingo the Archwizard of..]

I'm a little confused as to your tense. You frequently switch around from present to past, as in, "She says" and "She said." This was distracting and made it difficult for me to read.

On another note, is this the whole chapter? It's pretty short.

[dreamer :)]

Well you see I have the chapters about every other main character. this was ambers, next will be marissas or tobys. and i switch off like that. thats y...

[Paris France]

A good start. I love the emotional drama you packed into this short chapter, very entertaining.
However, maybe the dialog was a bit…unrealistic? Good detail but I think your had a lot of great opportunities to describe the characters and you only did the mom. I think describing the kids would add a level of familiarity to story. Excellent mechanics, a rare gift in out day and age. Keep it up.
God bless : )