~The Detailed Woes~ [chapter 2]

~The Detailed Woes~ [chapter 2]

            As Ryan, my childhood was an unsteady mess. I lived in a horrible neighborhood. I was a toddler plagued with nightmares of my past life. The gunshot sounds in my head would mix with those outside my window. Eventually my parents had to get me sleeping pills. Ones that knocked me out, dreamless. The pills were specially made, just for me. I was on a very strict medical diet. I was born with a terrible heart condition and had to take pills that couldn’t be mixed with certain kinds of other drugs. Not to mention those pills cost an arm and a leg. Our insurance declined to pay the full cost because ‘it was a pre-existing condition’ which meant we were responsible for the cost of the meds.

            It wasn’t too bad, though, when my father was still around. Sure we had to sacrifice the luxurious things but we were still a family. My father, my mother, my sister and I were still a happy family. I could admit that it was my fault we were poor. My older sister Rachel can testify to that. I ruined her life the day I was born. My parents had to relocate to afford the rent. She was seven at the time and had to leave all her friends in the good neighborhood to live without any friends in the bad neighborhood. She too had to take sleeping pills. The gunshot sounds haunted her. Of course it wasn’t nearly as hard to get her pills. Alas our happy family came to an end when my father showed us how sick a person could be.

            “No!” I yelled at Rachel that dreadful day she told me. “You’re just a s**t!” I accused falling to my knees. I knew it wasn’t true. She didn’t even have a boy friend. She was too ashamed to have them come and pick her up since we lived in such a bad neighborhood. She was seventeen and I was ten. As a well developed ten year old I knew exactly what she meant when she said the words ‘knocked up.’

“He would never do anything like that!” I shook my head furiously staring straight at her through my tears. But I knew it wasn’t true. I had seen my father act strangely around her on several occasions. Not to mention how awkward she had become around him, avoiding him at all costs. We both sobbed hugging each other, knowing what this meant for our family. I blamed myself. It was my fault my mother was always to busy for my father. She worked overtime to make ends meet, because of my meds.

“How far along are ya?” I whispered, wiping away my tears. She shrugged. I couldn’t believe Rachel would be a teen mom. “What about getting an abortion?” Her wet eyes went wide at my words and I could see the pain in them. A sudden draft made me shudder and a wisp of her hair blew the smell of strawberry shampoo into my face. I got up off my knees and lied down on my back next to her. As I watched her cover her stomach protectively with her skinny arms I knew I would be scarred by this.

She looked at me and unsteadily said, “When I think of the fact that it’s his I want an abortion but when I just think of it as a baby I… I can’t!” she pleaded with me to understand. “At least not willingly.” Said added so quietly I had to strain to hear.

That conversation haunted me long after she had the baby. I was her brother! I should have been there to protect her. Age is just a number. I should have done something. All those nights my father insisted I slept over at my friends houses and she would object I thought she was just being a bossy big sister. I should have known better. I tortured myself with thoughts of how I could have protected her. She needed me and I failed her. Of course I still put most of the blame on him. The sicko was her father. He should have protected her; she shouldn’t have needed protection from him.

Eventually she told my mother who kicked him out. He left and didn’t look back. Not even to say goodbye. The day he packed his bags and left was my birthday. I became the man of the house at the age of eleven and this time I didn’t screw up my responsibilities. I got a job to help save up for the baby. I went everyday after school. Rachel finished her senior year looking like a blow fish. She had the baby in July and it was a boy. We decided to call him Leo. When he was born we found out he had the same heart condition as me. Again I was plagued with guilt. My disease would always be there to somehow infest and ruin Rachel’s life.

Once I got to high school things started getting better. I got my working papers and was able to get a steady job. Mom’s late shifts finally paid off and she got a huge promotion �" not to mention a huge raise and we moved into a better neighborhood so little Leo could go to a good school. Of course high school is also when the visions began. You didn’t really think things would stay good, did you? I’m paying for a past life, remember?

Author's Note

please comment!