My Brutalist Fortress

Ever gotten too good at protecting yourself from others? You may relate to me here!

Yesterday morning I talked to my mother about self-preservation. I told her it protected me so well I would've been left in a white foam box had I not felt the walls creeping in. I told her how I must bleed, let others cut me, let others see me bleed. The best gift I could give them all is my humanity. But I failed to notice how my sibling did it, and how my mother had done it her entire life as well.

This morning, I lived life normally. Following that planner, ticking off those boxes in a dopamine-fueled frenzy. I washed my hair, felt clean for the first time in a while, and then took that drive to class. Once there, I sat down near the same group of people I did every Monday through Thursday. After a while of talking with my classmates, I bring up my sibling, and one of them says,

"I thought you were an only child!"

After class I quizzed my classmates, asking what about me made them think that way. They told me I rarely brought up my family. I could've been an orphan for all they knew. They told me I was serious, professional; they told me my feelings were strong. They admired how reserved I was. They brought me back to my conversation with my mother. How I self-preserve. How I defend my mind and spirit with brutalist walls. Selling my soul for the illusion of peace. Because with every comment on my personhood I add more concrete around me. 

I realized the box stopped being made out of foam. I realized no one has truly stepped into my inner world. No other has felt my unrest, Gemini moon. Could I hope anyone would try it soon?

But hey, at least they also told me I'm full of surprises.

Amadeus the Loveless

March 28, 2023

Reviews

[M]

I think just about everyone has walls in place to protect themselves from one thing or another. Self preservation is an instinctual response, especially so today where bullying, trolling, racism, sexism etc etc etc is so prevalent. In some ways I feel sharing your prose or poems with the world, even behind a pseudonym, is sharing a little of yourself and taking a brick out of your wall. Sharing things with like minded people can only be good for the esteem and the soul.

I saw this prose sitting all alone here, so I decided to read and share my thoughts. It's nice to read some prose for a change! I enjoyed your words and the things you have shared.

[Amadeus the Loveless]

I agree! There's always a part of us we don't share with the world, and that's alright, we don't need to confront everything all of the time.

That's sweet, and you're right! It's great to have a place to share thoughts like these, I love seeing how others relate/think about these experiences.

I'm glad you enjoyed my writing, thank you for reading me! :)

[Ayvid N]

I relate to your experiences deeply myself having suffered from late onset Asperger's Syndrome myself and which kind of makes me live in isolation with very few people that I trust. I abhor social interaction and too much attention makes me run away. Sometimes, its a struggle and a chore to get on with people. I wish I could retreat to a corner and never need to emerge and deal with people again. People who are different tend to understand each other and I'd just tell you to think of yourself as just yourself. You are you and you are what you are. There is nothing like queer, creepy, crazy weird. These are labels created by people when they do not understand or just don't want to. So just be yourself and have a blast. Those who love you will do so regardless.

[Amadeus the Loveless]

I agree with you, at times I'd prefer keeping interactions as emotionally distant as possible, especially when I feel like that person won't see eye to eye with me. It's probably for the best to keep our circles small though, it's quality assurance! Ironically, I'm slightly more extraverted than introverted and have managed to make a lot of acquaintances. Adding people into my life as friends is a longer process.

Thank you, I try to remember that the things that make people "strange" are usually arbitrary terms and that in the end, I'm just me. I must mention that I enjoy leaning into my queerness! It's helped me find more like-minded people!

I hope you have a great one, thanks for reading me. :)

[Ayvid N]

It was a pleasure. Thank you so much.

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

Your thoughts are well constructed, and I think a way of revealing more about yourself. It's your way of opening up without having to do so in person. Self-preservation is normal. Just be sure that you don't build your walls too high. It will keep anyone from getting in.

[Amadeus the Loveless]

Thank you! You're right, it's much less confrontational this way.

Checking the walls' height has become a part of my daily life. I've found out that I *must* be willing to expose myself and my story more if I want to inspire people to act for good in real life. Thankfully, it's become easier to handle the more I do it.

Thank you for reading me! :)