Empty

Two weeks after Emma was stillborn.

Dear Emma,

Emma. My arms are empty; my belly barren. I think of you nonstop. I imagine our life. Everything else pales in comparison. Reality does not feel right without you. Making plans, going places, living; it was supposed to all be done with you. I wonder if I’ll ever be the person I was before. If I’ll ever be able to feel happiness without you. Behind every smile, every laugh, is the memory that you aren’t with me. My baby. My love. My life. And yet I feel I can’t be me until I am pregnant once more. Is that wrong? Is that a betrayal of you? Without you I am lost, I am broken, I am left with a hole in my heart. Cliches they may be, but the words are true. I love you so much. I yearn to hold you, to be with you. Without you I am empty. Empty arms, empty belly. Nothing feels right without you.