AFter They'd Gone

A Story by louwilding

Work in progress, following diary exerts of woman alone

2^nd November

God I’m bored. What am I supposed to do with myself? I’ve been alone for three months, sort of surviving, alone.

I’m hoping that writing this will keep my mind active. I only want to document my days, simply to give me something to do in the nights. Also I am absolutely unprepared to face the demons of the past.

Over the past couple of days I’ve moved the house around; the dining table is now in the living room at the end with out the fire but ultimately I think it will have to go. The toy storage from the living room is now in the dining room and filled with tins of food; the toys are in the loft. I’ve taken all of the other toy storage from Tommy’s room down into the dining room and that’s filled with food too, it’s like a miniature super market.

Yesterday I dismantled Tom’s bed, that took some doing and almost an entire bottle of rum…I’m still crying now. His bed and all of his other belongings are in the loft along with my husband’s things and all our family photos from the house, apart from one that I now keep on my bed side table. I am now using his room for the chickens. The small cupboard over the stairs makes the perfect roost and I can keep them safe from all the loose cats and dogs. Their only worry now is Gatsby figuring out how to get in. Toby is enjoying having them in the house too he still follows Gatsby everywhere although now he’s too big to fit through the cat flap.

I’ve been doing this to try to get ready for winter. Today I started working on a water collection system, I’m fortunate to have a sustainable home, I insisted when we moved in that I wanted to be as green as possible I’m glad that I did �" though I could never have predicted that I would need it for this reason. I have a small turbine on the roof and a lot of solar panels, we even installed an electric boiler. So I still have heating, but no water as the systems that clean and pump that at the water treatment plants don’t have power, which means I’ve had to come up with a way of collecting rain water.

I took Ali and her cart up to Codnor, to the pet store, I was looking for large pond filter systems and pumps (also collected some hunting knives, bows, arrows and another pellet gun �" you never know what you might need), and I also needed a few rain water butts. I found some on the allotments near to one of the schools. I had to walk back home as the cart was full. All the abandoned cars kept getting in the way; keys still in the ignition, so I can move them out of the way if I need to. It’s just odd all these abandoned places; it always brings home my isolation.

There is no one here.

6^th November

So the water system is in, finally. That took some work. I’ve placed one water butt on top of the porch over the back door, which I also reinforced as I wasn’t sure how well it was built. I was able to stack two pond filtration units to the top of that and have secured it all to the wall with straps, so fingers crossed it all holds up. The guttering above was broken anyway so I found some other sections and made it flow into the top pond filter box, so hopefully after a few days I’ll have some clean-ish water to drink and wash in. I drilled a hole through the porch roof into the kitchen, fed some piping through and connected that to the tap at the bottom of the water but and opened it up. I managed to find a tap and some push fit plumbing parts at the DYI place up the road and have cobbled together a tap over my sink. I also went to one of the shops in town I took about four Britta filter jugs and a lifetime supply of cartridges; it may help make it safer drinking water.

I have to admit I’m proud of myself, it took some doing, especially getting to the roof of the house. I’ve managed to get a rope around the chimney stack now so next time I need to go up there’s already a secure line fitted. One of the other water butts is collecting drinking water at the vicarage for the horses; it’s on a box under the main down pipe from the guttering. I cut a hole in the garage door and fed pipe through, that’s connected to the tap which is left open and there is another tap inside above the trough so I don’t have to keep carrying buckets. The other is collecting water in the back garden from the drainpipe next door. I figure its best to have a lot than none at all.

My next project is making the garage at the vicarage across the road horse friendly; as the weather is changing I need to give them some real shelter and security at night. There are more dogs around here now. I took these horses from a traveller’s field; it’s also where I got the carriage from, although its only one of those 2 wheel things, more for racing than carrying but it’s better than nothing. These horses are tough and a little stand offish but they’re getting friendlier the more time I spend with them. They’re also not used to being stabled, but after all of the dogs sniffing about the place they seem happy with the garage at the moment.

My idea is to seal off the garage door, just nail it shut really, and then make the side door the main entrance; I have a tarpaulin for the cart. That way there will be plenty of room inside for the three horses and it should be a little warmer and safer. The main problem I have for those guys is finding enough bedding materials to keep them warm; it’s starting to get colder now. There are a few stables close by so I may have a wander down and see what’s there. Food is an issue too, there’s grass at the vicarage but they need more. Any fresh food was long gone weeks ago. The smell of the meat rotting was terrible, although a little less now. I think a lot of the animals have had that.

I feel sorry for all these abandoned creatures, I’ve been into all of the houses that I can, let as many pets go into the wild as I could, I figure they have about as much chance as I do for survival that way. I’ve broken holes in almost every back door so that they can stay at their own home if they choose. I also opened up the doors to the larger stores too to give them other places to go. If I could I’d take them all. Obviously I can’t but once a month I take bags of dried food to the market square and leave it out for them. I also found some baby baths and other containers, glued them to the ground under guttering so that there’s fresh water everywhere.

12^th November

It’s cold now and dark too. I’m saving energy by only heating two rooms, my bed room and the living room, but only to a low temperature. After 6 pm I have a head torch on and not the main lights. I make a fire and sit and read under blankets and Toby and Gatsby. I need energy to cook warm food and so I’m doing that. It feels like I’m hibernating.

It feels colder than I can remember it ever being before. I don’t know if this is the world’s reaction to a sudden and total cease of all man made pollution, I just know it’s cold. We’ve even had snow for the past couple of hours so tomorrow I have to figure out how to keep us warm fed and accessible, as I think this has every chance of lasting the winter.

14^th November

Turns out I was right, it’s stuck. I’ve managed to keep the horses’ accessible, and we did get a whole heap of hey from a stable the other day so they’ve that to get through. I just hope it lasts. I’m giving them porridge oats and cereal too, there’s plenty of that in the shops.

My most immediate concern though is my water freezing up. I’m trying to fashion something out of heated blankets but keeping them water tight is an issue. I’ll think of something though.

I took Toby with me in Ali’s cart today to go to the super market. I’m scared of the dark and having the dog with me helps. I tend to go once a week and stock up on different things, items that will keep. Today I needed more porridge and other cereals for my horses and chickens, and water as I wasn’t sure if my supply would last.

I always force the doors open wide so that Ali can come inside and wait as the other animals can make her nervous. There were rats and mice everywhere. Toby was chasing them. We took a trolley and filled it with what we needed. All the cereal I could get in, muesli and oats first. Then another trolley filled with water. We took these back to Ali and using the cable ties I brought with me I tied the trollies together side by side. I took out everything and re packed it so that the water was equally spread across the bottom of both trollies and put the cereals on top then covered them both with a tarp to keep it all dry. I then attached the trollies to Ali’s carriage and plonked Toby on top. I walked home pushing as Ali heaved it all back. The snow is still shallow enough to walk through so I think tomorrow I’ll go again. I need to fill the place with food before I’m snowed in completely.

17^th November

It’s still snowing, now it’s become a problem. I have been using Zac to help me to clear the roads that we use most often, he drags a scraper I’ve made and I spread salt on those paths. It works for a while but without constant traffic it’s impractical. So I resorted to driving. I haven’t bothered up until now as the roads are filled with the cars of the missing, but I’ve moved many in recent time to make way for the horses so it wasn’t too bad. I found a van, a large empty van with a surprisingly full tank of fuel, and Toby and I went round all of the shops we could think of, clearing them of all long life items, pet foods, toiletries and cleaners. I also loaded up with medications just in case.

I took the opportunity yesterday to go to the only place I could think of that may have a supply of warm clothes, the army surplus store. I managed to find a few survival suites and warm coats. I picked up some snow boots too. I am still going to have to go to the horses every day. So I need to keep warm and dry.

I am managing to keep my mind active at the moment, the bad weather has helped keep me busy during the day, but the nights are hard. It’s cold and dark. Even as a woman in my thirties I am still scared of the dark. I read a lot. I can’t read anything about family though and certainly no books with small children in them. So I’ve been raiding the library for factual books and crime stories; few small children in those. It helps but I can’t deny the pain this abandonment is causing me.

25^th November

The snow seems to have let up a little, the skies are blue today. Nothing is happening. Fewer lost pets too. I think that the cold has either killed many of them off or driven them all inside. Either way it’s quieter than it’s been for a while. We’re all eating perhaps not as much as we should. I’m ok I’ve plenty but the horses are on a strict regime. The snow is about a foot and a half deep now. So it’s really very difficult to get about. We’re all just bored.

4^th December

I ventured out today. Having nothing better to do, I took Penny for a ride followed by Toby. She was in a blanket and I tried to keep her warm. The exercise helped. I left the other horses in the vicarage garden exploring the snow. And Gatsby watched us off up the road from the radiator.

Thanks to the sun being out so much recently I’ve been able to have the heating on a little more.

We walked up to the library, I got some more books. I went to the shop that sells everything and treated myself to some chocolate. I picked up some extra food too we took a sled with us and filled it. It was actually nice to be outside for a change, even if it was only for a few hours. It was too cold to ask Penny to be out for much longer.

I even brought some paint so I could finish decorating the hall way. I needed something to do to keep me busy during the day and we’d been meaning to paint that back in the summer and only got part way before they were gone.

15^th December

I think that the loneliness has finally got to me, what was I thinking? So today I went into the loft, not to store more of the memories of the life I no longer know, but to find my Christmas decorations! Seriously, I’m not sure what made me want to do that. The thought of my first Christmas alone is painful enough without torturing myself about it.

I took down the lights and the garlands and then broke down in the hall way. I lay on the floor for hours, just crying, trying to accept that I’ll never see him again, or hold him and never know why.

It’s the first time I’ve let myself go like that. I’ve been in some sort of denial up until now. But no more, that’s it they’re gone and I need to start accepting that. They’re gone, everyone has gone. As far as I am aware I’m the only person left on this entire planet and I’ve no way of knowing otherwise.

It seems that the approach of this holiday has solidified my emptiness. I lost a productive to self-pity and heart break. What’s the point of all of this if I have to be alone? Why do I continue to wake up each day knowing that my family aren’t there? May never be there? I can’t tell you what I would do to see them again, I would move the world. I have no purpose without them. Not just my family, I have not friends, no enemies, no job and no rest. Ok so I have the animals, but the dog and cat aside they are just tools really, some for transports some for food. I miss conversation, even the stupid ones about the weather and the frustrating ones about politics. But mostly I miss the incessant jabbering of my boy. His energy and joy for the smallest things never ceased to surprise me. His disappointment when the cake he wanted was for after dinner and the following conversation about why he couldn’t eat it first. That’s what I miss, that’s what I want. I always feel guilty that I miss him more than I miss Ben, but he’d understand motherhood changes you. Life without Ben is hard enough but without my little Tommy…

I can’t think about Ben without thinking about Tom and all I can hope is that wherever they are, they are there together; I don’t want him to be scared. I’m terrified that he’s alone somewhere like I am, that thought keeps me awake. He’s only four; I should have been able to keep him safe…god I hope he’s safe. And he knows that I love him…

20^th December

It’s getting harder. So for Christmas I have decided I will attempt to give myself the gift of closure.

Unfortunately that means re-living everything that happened that day. This will have one of two outcomes, either I’ll feel better and will be able to begin properly processing my loss or it will drive me over the edge into an even deeper depression…but at the moment ignoring it isn’t helping. Pragmatism has so far kept me sane by keeping me busy, and now it’s telling me to face the past and I assume it is right.

I had a family, I had neighbours and friends. Now I am utterly alone.

It was early afternoon on the 17^th August when it happened. It was a Saturday, a warm do nothing kind of afternoon. Ben, Tom and I were a little gardening, Ben showing Tom which strawberries were best to eat and Tom getting too excited and eating them all. Looking back now it was truly idyllic.

I don’t suppose I will ever get to see who he will grow up to be, or what he will achieve. But I always told him that he was capable of being anything that he wanted to be.

As we were sitting there enjoying the afternoon sun we could hear the church bells toll three o’clock. Tom ran over to me and threw his arms around me squeezing as hard as he could and then ran full speed at Ben and they wrestled on the grass. When the clock stopped chiming there was a terrific crack and everything went black, I couldn’t see or hear anything, though I felt conscious for a moment. Then the darkness took me.

When I came too I was still outside. The silence was all consuming. No traffic noise, no people, not even a bird for a while.

I shouted out for Tom and Ben, I ran through the house, panicked. I picked up my phone but had no service, I tried the land line but there was no tone. I flicked a switch in the house, the lights still worked; my home was still producing electricity. I ran up the street screaming their names crying in desperation to find the part of my heart that had gone missing. I could see no one, hear no one, and find no one.

I jumped into my car, it worked, and I drove to Bens mum and dads. As I pulled onto the main road I began to see the extent of my abandonment.

Empty cars and busses were strewn across the street; some had hit walls others were still in the road. Undeterred I drove to my in laws house desperate to find my family. Crying and confused I pulled up onto their driveway. Nothing, just eerie silence. I got back into my car and drove to my mums, then to my dad’s and my grandparents. Still nothing and no one. I had driven over fifty miles and seen no other people. I contemplated driving to find my brother, but he lives so far away. I was unstable and didn’t think that driving any further would be a good idea.

I tried to go online, but everything was either not there or stuck at three o’clock.

Fear started to take over from panic. What do I do, how do I survive alone and what should I do next.

I don’t really remember much from the following few days, I think that the trauma set in and I went into some sort of fugue state. All I can remember clearly is from about the 20^th of August. When my pragmatic brain switched on and took over. That’s when I started looking for food, when I went and fetched the horses as I thought they would be an easier mode of transport and started to set free all of the local pets.

It seemed a logical thing to do and keep me sane for a while, that’s also how I found Toby, he was only a few months old, crying in the kitchen of a house up the street. I couldn’t resist him. He’s a staffy, blue and white and just adorable. So I yielded to him. The rest were set free to try to survive like me, although I do help where I can.

So I went from having a small incredible family to being alone in the space of just a few minutes. I am still not certain if any of this is real perhaps it’s me that has died and I’m in some sort of purgatory, or this was the rapture and I’m deemed not worthy. Maybe they were all taken by aliens, it just as likely.

All I do know is that I may never find out what happened to those I hold most dear. I don’t know if they are alive or dead, together or apart. I have no way of knowing if I am completely alone or just separated from the next living soul by miles and miles of desertion. Even as I write this, trying to make sense of my situation I am unable to really digest my feelings. All I can feel is alone, all I am is alone. There is nothing else. Just emptiness where there used to be life. I trudge on because that is how humans are programmed. Survival is paramount, but really I don’t know what I’m driving to, where I’m going. Why I bother. There is little point in existing without Tom. He is everything, was everything? My baby, my only child, I don’t know how to process his not being here, I haven’t got Ben to help me, he is the rock that would usually hold me up in times like these, but instead I have to try to do it alone. And I can’t. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I’ve been in denial up until recently. But the mix of dark days long nights and snow cover have given me more time alone in the house, less time to be out and about, less chance to distract myself with things to keep my mind busy. More time to sit and silently weep.

25^th December

Merry Christmas…