My Perfect Things I would Like to Be

A portmanteau of My Perfect Day and Things I would Like To Be

It is my ambition to be famous

Famous is what I want to be

So I can walk down the road safely

free from the attention of beggars

and n'er do wells, feet free and dandy.



When I walk into the store I will be greeted

and enquired after and my every need met

And the shopkeepers will doff their hat

to their superior, a famous writer.

And my credit will be good.



When it is time for tea my pleasure it will be

in the company of ladies cakes and creams.

With a china plate and cup in hand, I will cry 'Revolution'

amid much fun and frivolity.

And crumbs and butter will be wiped away.



When I need new shoes the shoemaker will

come and measure me and many pictures will

I am shown of styles I may choose or design.

Leather and lace, plastics showed I will choose

a combination to make my own.



For my clothes, I will be flown to Italy

and into boutiques go where I will be held by the hand and

guided through the ages of fashion history

before becoming a connoisseur of the industry.

Kate Moss will hold my bags for me.



Mo Farah will be hired to be my personal

trainer but we will soon drop the pretence

that exercise matters and gets down to some serious

excess of throwing darts at a picture of Boris Johnson

and consuming donuts three by three.



For dinner, a silver service will be required

for seven courses of cuisine and fine wines

little cubes of pork will be drowned in a vat

of brandy and mashed potato and fed to me by

a midget wearing a tutu with a naked torso.



In the evening, we will retire to indulge us

pleasures with friends beautiful and ugly

as we drink wine and cider from a huge buffet.

As the moon wanes so will the company until

silence falls contemplatively.



At ten to eleven my lover will arrive and

a glass of blended whisky poured for me.

We talk of what we plan to do, where will

we holiday and the conversation always flows easily.

Nothing is too much trouble for me.





At ten to midnight some music and a dance

with my partner some late night romance and

I will wash my face in a silver bowl and have my clothes collected

and laundered freshly for the next day. Then I will turn out the lights

then get into bed for a night of marital delights.



So when I turn forty (fifty) I may have to

agree that for you and me things turned out differently.

I write for a living and have many things.

While you work nine to five and watch too much TV

I have done both in excess, splendidly.